The living room. RajKnight to Queen's Bishop 5.
HowardAh. Very nice. What's Leonard gonna do? Does he give up the pawn or does he give up the position?
RajLet's find out. Leonard, ready? (
LeonardReady.
RajGo.
(Raj and Howard hums in unison the Mission Impossible theme) (Buzzer sounds)
LeonardDamn it. I slipped.
HowardToo bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Leonard died again, Sheldon. You're up.
SheldonDespite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
LeonardWhy?
SheldonBecause it's almost 11:00.
LeonardSo?
SheldonSo Penny has a "Don't knock on my door before 11:00 or I punch you in the throat" rule.
AllAh.
HowardHey, you know what would be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play Laser Obstacle Strip Chess.
LeonardBelieve me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't wanna see naked.
HowardYou underestimate me. The hallway. Sheldon's looking at his watch, waiting. SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennyHey, Sheldon.
Sheldon(Covering his throat) It's 11 a. m.
PennyI know. You're safe.
SheldonThis package came while you were at work.
PennyOh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you.
SheldonExcuse me.
PennyWhat?
SheldonYou have to sign this.
PennyWhat is it?
SheldonWhen I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I'm fully indemnified and no longer liable.
PennySheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones.
SheldonOh, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
PennyIt means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I'm doing.
SheldonBailment, describes a relationship in common law, where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels is transferred from one person, the bailer, to another person, the bailee.
PennyYeah yeah yeah yeah. Look, look. I started a business.
SheldonObviously not a cleaning business.
PennyNo. I'm making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself and all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in old town. She sells cards and home-made jewelry. She says she wanted to sell them, I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156.
SheldonGood for you. Sign here.
PennySheldon, don't you get it? If this takes off, I won't have to be a waitress anymore.
SheldonBut then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?
PennyAnother waitress?
SheldonWhat's her name?
PennyI don't know.
SheldonAnd you're going to let her handle my food?
PennyNancy. Her name is Nancy.
SheldonI think you're just making that up.
PennySheldon, I'm sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don't wanna be a waitress for the rest of my life.
SheldonCheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.
PennyFine. Cheeseburger.
SheldonMaybe I'd be better off with Nancy.
PennySo, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right?
SheldonHow many of these can you make a day?
PennyMm. About 20.
SheldonAnd how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?
PennyI don't know. Like 50 cents. I'm not sure.
SheldonNo, of course you're not. All right. Ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is $2600.
PennyThat's all?
SheldonBefore taxes.
PennyWell, I don't have to pay taxes on this stuff.
SheldonI believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, you optimized your manufacturing process, you might make this a viable business.
PennyAnd you know about that stuff?
SheldonPenny. I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
PennyWho's Radiohead?
SheldonI have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.
PennySheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?
SheldonOf course I could. (Starts to leave)
PennySheldon, wait. Will you?
SheldonJust to be clear here. You're asking for my assistance.
PennyYes.
SheldonAnd you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?
PennyI understand.
SheldonAnd you're not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I'm doing so.
Penny(Reluctantly) Okay.
SheldonGood. Let's begin with the premise that everything you've done up to this point is wrong.
PennyOh, imagine that.
SheldonSarcasm. Goodbye.
PennyNo, I'm sorry. Wait. Please, come back. Penny's living room. She's making a Penny Blossom. Sheldon's timing her. PennyThere. Done.
SheldonAll right. Twelve minutes and 17 seconds.
PennyOh, pretty good, right?
SheldonThat's 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you'll effectively be paying yourself $5.19 a day.
PennyA day?
SheldonThere are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who out-earn you.
PennyThat just can't be right.
SheldonYou're questioning my math?
PennyNo, sorry.
SheldonWould you like me to show my work?
PennyOh God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it.
SheldonAll right. Are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc's 1778 use of interchangeable parts? (Penny just stares at him blankly) The assembly line, of course.
PennyOkay, you know what, if I'm not allowed to be snide, you're not allowed to be condescending.
SheldonThat wasn't a part of our original agreement and I do not agree to it now.
PennyAll right, fine. How are we supposed to set up machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?
SheldonYou're thinking of the moving assembly line. An understandable, but not excusable, mistake. Now, the moving assembly line, that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908. That innovation is what made possible our modern consumer culture by enabling a low unit cost for manufactured goods. I guess that isn't one of the topics discussed on your Radiohead. Leonard and Sheldon's living room. LeonardLet's go. We're gonna miss the coming attractions.
(Howard groans)
RajWhat's the matter?
HowardI think I bruised a testicle capturing that last pawn.
(Penny and Sheldon singing Blow The Man Down from the closed door. Please pay attention and listen to me / Give me some time to blow the man down / I'm a deep water sailor just come from Hong Kong / Give me way, hey, blow the man down / If you give me some whiskey I'll sing you a song / Give me some time to blow the man down) (Leonard, Raj and Howard enter)
LeonardHello?
Penny & Sheldon(In unison) Hello. Come quickly, lay aft to the break of the poop / To me, way hey, blow the man down / Or I'll help you along with the toe of me boot / Give me some time to blow the man down
LeonardWhat's going on?
SheldonI assume you're referring to the sea shanty. It's a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.
PennyYeah. It's crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.
LeonardTerrific, but that kinda raises more questions than it answers.
SheldonPenny's making hair accessories. I'm helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break's over. Pay attention to orders, now, you one and all-
HowardHold on. What are you using as a bonding agent?
SheldonHot glue.
HowardYou're kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.
SheldonIt won't work. The flower's too porous.
LeonardWhat if we infused the bottom layer with silicone RTV to provide a better mounting surface?
SheldonIntriguing. (Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardA good question. What are your marketing and distribution channels?
PennyWell, there're the waitresses at my work, and this cute little shop in old town-
SheldonHush, hush, hush. Virtually nonexistent. I'm thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.
HowardWhy not eliminate the middle man. We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.
LeonardShe'll need some kind of industrial cooling system.
SheldonOf course. But before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
PennyYeah, it's a bitch.
HowardUh, I've seen this before.
LeonardWhere?
HowardIt's a common stripper problem. They dance, they sweat, they clump.
PennyEww.
LeonardAre you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulfate?
HowardActually, I'm thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But, sure, calcium sulfate could work.
SheldonLet's think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve?
BoysOhhh.
PennyI-I've got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen. (Awkward silence)
SheldonWow.
LeonardHey, we could liberate some microporous charcoal from the chem lab.
SheldonOh, great. Raj, why don't you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don't you start working on some preliminary website designs. I'll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.
PennyWell, what's wrong with my apartment?
SheldonIt's not my apartment.
PennyWait, wait, what am I gonna do?
LeonardHey, it's your business. Do whatever you want.
PennyOh. Okay. Cool. I'm gonna take a nap. Sheldon and Leonard's living room. LeonardI'm still tweaking things a little bit, but this will give you the general idea of the website. So, what do you guys think? (Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardNo, pretty much any way I say that is gonna hurt his feelings.
LeonardOkay, what's wrong with it?
SheldonWhat's wrong with it?
LeonardNot you. I wasn't asking you. Penny?
PennyUh. Well, it's a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.
LeonardNo, it doesn't.
HowardAw, please. Dateline could use it to attract predators.
SheldonPenny, this is your enterprise, so it's ultimately your decision. But based on the quality of his work, I'd strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.
LeonardYou wanna fire me?
SheldonWhat I want is irrelevant. This is Penny's decision. Penny?
LeonardExcuse me, but if I did such a bad job, then why do we already have orders?
PennyWe do?
LeonardUh-huh. Look. Mrs. Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two.
PennyNo kidding. Two?
LeonardUh-huh. Look at the comments.
Penny"Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These'll be perfect to cover my bald spots." Aww. Yeah. That is so sweet.
SheldonCamouflaging bald spots. That's primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.
PennyHow are flower barrettes gonna appeal to men?
HowardWe add Bluetooth.
SheldonOh. Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.
PennyWait a minute. Wait a minute. You wanna make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
SheldonPenny, everything is better with Bluetooth.
LeonardHoly crap. Someone just ordered 1000 Penny Blossoms.
PennyGet out! Who needs 1000 sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?
Leonard"The fifth annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau."
SheldonOh, another market to expand into. Balding gay men.
HowardAnd I'll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.
SheldonWe should get to work.
PennyWait wait wait, why does it say "one-day rush"? Since when do we offer a one-day rush?
LeonardAmazon offers one-day rush.
PennyYeah, but they don't have to glue the books together. What the hell how are we gonna make 1000 Penny Blossoms in one day?
LeonardDon't yell at me. I'm not manufacturing. I'm just web design.
PennyOkay, well I have to call them and cancel that order.
SheldonExcuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? Yeah, my brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
PennyI just don't see how we can pull this off.
SheldonOkay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
HowardThey didn't quit. They were massacred. By, like, a gazillion angry Mexicans.
SheldonAll right, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3000 for one night's work.
PennyYou guys get started.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
PennyGoing online to buy shoes. The living room. They are making Penny blossoms. (Penny and Sheldon are singing "She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes". Raj puts a plate down, gets an empty one, and then goes back to the kitchen counter)
RajYou know, if I wanted to spend my Saturday nights doing this, I could have stayed in India.
HowardOh, stop with the fake third-world crap. Your father's a gynecologist and you had a house full of servants.
RajWe only had four servants. And two of them were children.
LeonardHow are we doing?
RajWe have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.
HowardOh, God, we're never gonna finish in time.
Penny(Singing) When she comes
RajWho made Sheldon the boss anyway?
SheldonHold. I believe I'm hearing some negativity on the factory floor.
PennySo?
SheldonPenny, the labor force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skillfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work.
PennyNicely done.
SheldonThank you. You hear any union talk, you let me know.
[Continued from earlier]
Leonard(Singing) Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah
HowardSomeone's in the kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow
PennySomeone's in the kitchen with Dinah- (Notices that he's passed out and wakes him up) Sheldon. Sheldon.
Sheldon'Cause I sold my soul to the company store. (Removes a blossom from his cheek)
PennyHoney, do you want some coffee?
SheldonNo, I don't drink coffee.
PennyCome on, if you don't stay awake, we'll never finish.
SheldonI'm sorry. Coffee is out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.
PennyAw. Leonard, help.
LeonardSheldon, we still have 380 of these things to make.
SheldonI have complete faith that you will make them. Good night.
PennyLeonard.
LeonardYeah yeah. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership, this enterprise will surely fail.
SheldonYou're right, of course.
Penny(Hands him a cup of coffee) Here, this will help.
SheldonVery well. But if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you're going to have to answer to my mother. (Drinks the coffee)
[Continued from earlier]
Sheldon(Holding a cup of coffee) Look at Planck's constant. People say that's arbitrary. That could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause. So, you are thinking of a universe. It's not expanding from the center, no. It is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice Through the Looking-Glass standing in front of the Red Queen, and we're being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let's call that Universe Prime, there's another Sheldon-
Penny(To Leonard) Should've let him go to bed.
LeonardBam.
[Continued from earlier]
LeonardI can't believe we actually did it. One thousand frigging Penny Blossoms.
PennyI just want you guys to know I am really grateful for your help and for every dollar I make, I'm gonna give you 20 cents.
HowardThat's your entire profit margin.
PennyOh. Then never mind.
LeonardI'll print out the shipping label. Uh-oh.
PennyWhat?
LeonardWe got an email from the East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance. They want another 1000 Penny Blossoms.
PennyReally?
LeonardOne-day rush. I really need to take that off the website.
PennyOkay, well, guess we better get started.
HowardYou can't be serious.
PennyCome-come on. What about the living organism of the work force and the American spirit? And Jiminy Crockett at the Alamo?
LeonardDavy Crockett. Jiminy Crockett was a cricket.
PennyYes, yes, I know that, okay? I'm tired and I've had like 18 cups of coffee. The point is, if we all just pull together, we can do this. Who's with me?
HowardPenny, although you may find it hard to believe, we do have lives. (Starts to leave. Raj waves goodbye)
PennyLeonard?
LeonardSorry. My apologies to the gay community of East Rutherford, New Jersey.
Sheldon(In Flash costume) Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where's the coffee?
PennyWe're all out.
SheldonNo problem. I'll be back before this banana hits the ground. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Zoom, zoom, zoom. The living room. RajYes! (Grabs a piece of pizza)
LeonardSorry, guys, but Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Lunch is just stupid.