The living room.
PennyOkay, it's done. Look, guys, for the future, I don't mind killing the big spiders, but you have to at least try with the little ones.
SheldonPenny, please. We're facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.
LeonardSheldon, it's not that bad.
SheldonNot bad? It's horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it will happen to you.
LeonardSo they steamed your dumplings. Get over it. New topic, please.
HowardAll right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
PennyNot with a thousand condoms, Howard.
HowardSo there is a number.
PennyOkay. New topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5-A are moving out?
PennyThe people upstairs are moving out.
LeonardWhy would you just say something like that?
SheldonNo, no, no, no, no, no.
PennyHow else was I supposed to say it?
LeonardSlowly. Like putting a new fish in a tank. You don't just drop it in. You let the bag sit in the water a while.
PennySheldon, I'm sure it's gonna be fine.
SheldonNo, it's not going to be fine. Change is never fine. They say it is, but it's not.
PennyOkay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
SheldonI never met them. That's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls. There's no clickety-clacking of high-heel shoes on hardwood floors. They may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape. And without that annoying ammonia-urine smell.
PennyCome on, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
SheldonYou can't know that. How can you possibly know that?
PennyYou're right, I can't. You know what? Anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp. (Leonard lies against the couch back in frustration) Yeah, a tap-dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
LeonardWhy are you making it worse?
PennyI tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.
(Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardYou're right. That's a great idea.
HowardI'll take the apartment upstairs. I can finally get away from my mother and we can all spend some more time together. (To Penny) If you catch my drift.
SheldonHold on. Do you honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move and then he only need buy us a pizza?
LeonardI'm sorry, that really is how it works.
SheldonYou're tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get?
LeonardRaj, help me out here.
RajYou get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.
SheldonI knew it. PS3, definitely PS3. Who would pick a mountain bike?
HowardEnough with the guilt, Ma. We'll still see each other. And I'll come over every night and have dinner with you.
Mrs. WolowitzThe hell you will! What am I running here, a fancy restaurant? Does this look like Olive Garden?
HowardOkay, I get it, you're angry. You don't wanna see your little bird leave the nest.
Mrs. WolowitzLittle bird? You're almost 30! Fly for God's sake.
HowardFine, I'll stay. You happy, crazy lady? I sure as hell hope so, because you're ruining my life!
Leonard(On phone) Hey, Penny, it's Leonard. Good news, you can take your head out of the oven.
Sheldon(Unties a waist support belt) I guess I won't be needing this.
The ground floor of the apartment building. There are boxes on the floor. Two movers are moving a matress.
SheldonOh, no. The new ones. They're here.
LeonardStay calm. We don't know anything about them yet.
(Sheldon rattles a box)
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonI'm checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?
LeonardThe box says "kitchen."
SheldonSo? Do cocaine smugglers write "cocaine" on the box?
AliciaI'm Alicia. (Stretchs out her hand) I'm moving in upstairs.
Leonard(Shakes her hand) That is so great. Oh, I'm Leonard. I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but, under your apartment. Heh-heh.
LeonardYeah, it is.
SheldonWell, that concludes your faltering attempt to mate. (To Alicia) Hello.
SheldonHello. On a scale of one to ten, how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all, and ten being freakishly feline?
SheldonIs that your answer or do you not understand the question? We'll come back to that one.
SheldonHang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish-folk or breakdancer?
LeonardYou're making her uncomfortable.
SheldonDid-? Oh, I'm sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better, you're doing very well so far. Next question. Are you fertile?
SheldonI'm trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.
AliciaI have no immediate plans.
SheldonIf that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?
SheldonWelcome to the building.
AliciaThanks so much for helping me, Leonard.
Leonard(Carrying a big box) Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to help.
PennyOh, hey, guys.
LeonardPenny, this is Alicia, our new neighbor.
PennyI can see.
SheldonAlicia's non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She's still on probation of course, but I like her.
PennyOh, yeah, I don't usually dress like this. I'm going jogging.
SheldonYou don't jog.
PennyI can start.
SheldonTrue. But the more likely explanation for your attire is that you're out of clean clothes again.
PennyThank you, Sheldon.
SheldonYou're welcome, Penny.
AliciaPlease, you look cute. I'm dressed like a slob today too.
PennyOh, ha, ha.
Leonard(Still carrying the box) I think you look fantastic.
AliciaThis one's a player, huh?
PennyOh, yeah, be careful.
AliciaThanks for the warning.
AliciaI'll see you around.
PennySee ya. (In mocking voice) "I'm dressed like a slob today too."
SheldonOh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I've been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. It's a trap! You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. (Penny leaves without saying anything) It's a trap! It's a trap! It's a trap!
The living room. Sheldon's sitting on the couch and writing something in the air. Someone knocks on the door.
LeonardCongratulations, I see you did your laundry.
PennyWell, sort of.
SheldonHow does one sort of-?
PennyI bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around?
SheldonHe's upstairs at Alicia's.
PennyOh, all right, that's cool, no biggie. He said he'd help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?
SheldonIn what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.
PennyOh, they're all up there, huh? Hmm. Typical.
SheldonIt's axiomatically atypical. Until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters in a previous location. They never went to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.
PennyOkay, now I see the giant squid head. (Leaves)
Sheldon(Frantically wipes the "board") Oh, great. Now I have to start all over again.
HowardYeah, I thought about renting this apartment, but I'm really more of a downtown-loft kind of guy.
AliciaCool. So are you in a loft now?
HowardOh, actually I'm living with a woman in Altadena. Purely platonic. She's also my maid. Heh.
AliciaSounds like a sweet deal.
HowardWell, I won't lie. It's pretty dope.
PennyHi. I just wanted to bring you a little housewarming gift (Gives her a bottle of wine).
AliciaThat is so sweet.
AliciaCome on in. Let's open it.
PennyOh, this? I'm dressed like a slob today.
AliciaThe guys have been helping me set up my sound system. I've never had such good-looking technical support. (Leonard smirks)
HowardOh, pish posh. (Raj whispers something in his ear) I don't know. It means shucks. (Raj does so again) Shucks means shucks. Let me go once in a while.
LeonardHey uh, Penny, you wanna hear something awesome?
LeonardAlicia is an actress just like you.
PennyThat is so awesome.
AliciaWell, trying to be, but it's so hard.
PennyI know, tell me about it.
AliciaI've been out here three months and all I've gotten is a couple of national commercials and this recurring thing on a soap.
PennyThat's why I work at The Cheesecake Factory. I'm holding out for the right part.
LeonardAlicia, what do you want as your default setting for DVDs, 5.1 Dolby or DTS?
AliciaWhatever you think is best, cutie. (Leonard giggles; Penny is upset)
LeonardWell, DTS has more low-end, so, okay.
PennyHey, guys, guys, you will really appreciate this. I read the best science joke on the Internet. Alicia, you won't get it, but it's right up their alley. Anyway, so, this physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist and (slowly) quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Well, lots of single beautiful women come in here every day. Why don't you buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you?" And the physicist says: "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?" Ha. (The guys are upset)
LeonardThat's a little insulting, don't you think?
PennyHow would I know? I'm not even sure I get it.
AliciaHey, Leonard? If you're done with the DVD player, can you set up my printer?
LeonardOh, yeah, I'd love to.
PennyHey, maybe when you're done with her printer, you could set up mine. You know, like you promised, a week ago?
LeonardYeah, I'll get to it. Don't nag me.
Raj(Downs a drink) Hello, there.
The living room. Shelon's sitting on the couch watching TV. Penny enters and then collapses on the couch dejectedly.
SheldonWho is it? Oh, hello, Penny. It's open. Come in. Sarcasm.
PennyWell, they're all still up there.
SheldonYou think I can't hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. It's Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.
PennyI don't even know why I care. I don't care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that's all I care.
SheldonYou know, Penny, there's something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive, or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
PennyWhat are you saying? That I'm threatened by Alicia? That I'm like the old queen of the hive, and it's just time for me to go?
SheldonI'm just talking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are you talking about?
PennyBees. (Gasps) I just got that physicist joke.
The living room.
LeonardGee, Penny, thanks for buying us dinner.
HowardYeah, what's the occasion?
PennyNo occasion. Just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.
SheldonDid you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?
SheldonEven though the menu description specifies shredded?
SheldonBrown rice, not white?
SheldonYou stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
SheldonYou pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
SheldonGood. See how it's done, Leonard? (Leonard is upset)
PennySo, what do we got going on tonight? Huh? Playing Halo? Watching Battlestar? Drop some Mentos in Diet Coke?
LeonardYou wanna watch Battlestar?
PennyWhat can I say? I got my geek on, boys.
(Knock on door; Leonard goes to get it; Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardNo, no, PMS is different.
AliciaThank God you're home. I need help.
AliciaI just got a callback to audition for CSI to play a hooker who gets killed.
LeonardOh, I'd watch that.
AliciaBut my car is in the shop and I have to be at Universal in 45 minutes.
LeonardOkay, well, I'll take you.
AliciaOh, you're a lifesaver.
HowardI'll run lines with you in the car.
AliciaGreat. And afterward, I'll take you all out for Chinese.
PennyOh, actually, that's okay. We already have-
LeonardStarving. (They leave)
PennyChinese food right here.
SheldonThey're gone, Penny. They can't hear you.
PennyI cannot believe they're letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle's house in Orange County to pick up her TV?
SheldonYou once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.
PennyApples and oranges here, Sheldon. I'm telling you, that girl is a user, skating through life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It just creams my corn.
SheldonMay I interject something here?
SheldonYou got the wrong mustard.
The laundry room.
AliciaGuess what? I got the part on CSI.
PennyUh, no, no no no. You know, congratulations. I think you'll make a great hooker.
AliciaThank you. Hey, I gotta ask you something. How much do physicists make?
PennyUm, Ah. I don't know. I don't think a lot.
AliciaYeah, that's what I figured. Well, gotta run. The guys promised to set up my satellite dish and paint my bedroom. Yay.
PennyHey. Hey, can I talk to you about that for a second?
PennyWell, you know, it's just that Leonard and Howard and Raj, they aren't like other guys. They're special.
AliciaOkay, they're special, and?
PennyLet's see. How can I explain this. Um, They don't know how to use their shields.
PennyYeah, you know, like in Star Trek when you're in battle, you raise the shields? (To herself) Where the hell'd that come from? Anyways, um, you know how guys like this are. So, please don't take advantage of them.
AliciaWho says I'm taking advantage of them?
PennyCome on, they're doing everything for you because you're leading them on.
AliciaSo I let them do stuff for me. They're happy, I get stuff. Who cares? And how is it any different from what you do?
AliciaI've seen you around them. Are you pretending like you don't do the exact same thing?
PennyOkay, lady, you are way out of line.
AliciaOh, I'm out of line?
PennyYeah, you're out of line.
AliciaWell, what are you gonna do about it, bitch?
Entrance of the apartment building.
RajI like Green Lantern. I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.
SheldonOnly the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
LeonardGolden age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.
RajGreat, so I can take them both out with a number two pencil?
(Penny and Alicia screaming)
HowardMy God! Girl fight! (Holds Leonard's arms)
LeonardWhat are you doing?
HowardI know you. You're stupid enough to break it up.
The living room.
HowardMay I say you look very comely tonight?
Howard(To Howard) You're right. This filly's been broken.
(Muffled music playing)
SheldonYou set it on DTS, didn't you?
LeonardI had to. She called me cutie.
HowardAccording to Alicia's Facebook page, she's hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.
PennyWell, dead whore on TV, live one in real life.
SheldonOh, great. Now she's jumping up and down on the bed.