The living room. Sheldon groans.
SheldonThis is Thai food.
HowardHere we go.
SheldonWe don't have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.
LeonardYes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday.
SheldonWell, apparently the news didn't reach my digestive system which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.
HowardCome on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we've been in lately.
SheldonRut? I think you mean consistency. And if we're going to abandon that, why even call it Thursday? Let's call it "Quonko Day" and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.
RajI could go for some goat.
LeonardSheldon, we agreed we'd do something different tonight.
SheldonAll right. Let's go to the comic book store.
RajWe went to the comic book store last night.
SheldonLast night was Wednesday. Wednesday is comic-book night. Tonight, we'll be going on Thursday because it's Anything Can Happen Thursday.
SheldonWay to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon.
RajWhat are we gonna do tonight?
HowardIf I may proffer a suggestion, in bars all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies' Night. Which means, as the evening progresses, we will get better-looking courtesy of 99-cent margaritas and two-for-one Jell-O shots.
LeonardCome on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.
HowardOh. Really? Are you familiar with the Drake equation?
SheldonThe one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of increasing restricted series of fractional values such as stars with planets and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?
HowardYeah, that one. (Sheldon smirks) You can modify it to calculate our chances of having sex by changing the formula to use the number of single women in Los Angeles, the number of those who might find us attractive and what I call The Wolowitz Coefficient.
RajThe Wolowitz Coefficient?
HowardNeediness times dress-size squared. Crunching my numbers, I come up with a conservative 5812 potential sex partners within a 40-mile radius.
HowardI'm a horny engineer, Leonard. I never joke about math or sex.
RajWell, what are we waiting for? Let's bounce, bitches.
LeonardOh, you're right. It's Anything Can Happen Thursday. Let's hit the clubs and meet hot women.
RajHere we go. Lock up your daughters. We're gonna hit it and quit it.
LeonardOr, we could finish eating and go to the comic book store.
RajAlso a good plan.
HowardAll right. But next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we're definitely going to a bar.
RajYou heard that, Ladies' Night ladies? We're eventually coming for you.
PennyOh, hey, guys. Where're you heading?
SheldonTo the comic book store. You're probably thinking, "But comic book store on a Thursday? Why, I've fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness." What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.
PennyYou got me. Oh, hey, while you're there, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew's birthday?
SheldonNo, I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humor featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets, found traditionally in the optimistically named "funny pages."
PennyLeonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew's birthday?
LeonardSure. What does he like?
PennyI don't know, he's thirteen, just pick out anything.
SheldonJust pick out anything? Maybe the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career form without knowing his aptitude, pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements, or his feelings about little marshmallows.
PennySpider-Man. Get him Spider-Man.
SheldonAmazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?
LeonardYou know this can go on all night. Why don't you just come with us?
PennyUgh. That's what I was trying to avoid.
SheldonOh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.
The comic book store.
PennyOh, what a cute little store. Everybody's staring at me.
LeonardDon't worry. They're more scared of you than you are of them.
PennyUnlikely. Here. What about this one for my nephew?
SheldonA superb choice.
SheldonYeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52 and is familiar with the reestablishment of the DC Multiverse.
PennyUh, what's a Multiverse?
SheldonGet her out of here.
LeonardCome on, I'll help you pick something.
RajThat's right. She's with us. Guys like that are so pathetic.
HowardTell me about it. Oh, look, a new Batman belt buckle.
StuartOh, hey, Leonard. Can I help you find something?
LeonardOh, hey, Stuart. This is Penny. She's just looking for some comic books.
StuartOh, really? Wow. Blink twice if you're here against your will.
LeonardI think we're fine, Stuart.
StuartOkay. Well, let me know if you need anything. (Leaves)
PennyThanks. Oh, he seems like a nice guy.
LeonardYou mean for someone who's into comic books?
PennyNo, no no. I just meant for- Yeah.
LeonardHoney, just because people appreciate comic books doesn't make them weirdoes. Stuart's a terrific artist. He went to the Rhode lsland School of Design.
PennyOkay, what about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants?
LeonardOh, yeah, that's Captain Sweatpants. He doesn't really help the point I'm trying to make.
Sheldon & Howard(Browsing combic books) Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. Need it!
HowardLet it go, Sheldon.
SheldonWhy should I let it go? I saw it first.
HowardYes, but I saw it from the front.
SheldonA far less impressive feat.
HowardOh, come on, I need this for my Batman collection.
LeonardWell, I need it for my Robin collection.
HowardRock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock?
SheldonWhy would I gamble? It's mine. Let go.
HowardYou let go.
SheldonYes. He won't let go of my comic book.
HowardIt's my comic book.
SheldonLeonard, we need a ruling.
LeonardUh, cut it in half?
Penny(To Stuart) Excuse me.
StuartOh, hello again.
PennyHi. What would you recommend as a present for a 13-year-old boy?
StuartA 13-year-old girl? (Penny laughs) But if you're dead set on a comic book, try this.
PennyOh. "Hellblazer." What's this about?
StuartA morally ambiguous confidence man who smokes, has lung cancer and is tormented by the spirits of the undead.
PennyWell, if that doesn't make me the favorite aunt, I don't know what will. (Seeing a sketch) Is this me?
StuartDepends. Do you like it?
PennyWow, it's really good.
StuartYes, that's you.
PennyThat's so sweet. But what if I didn't like it?
StuartIt'd still be you, but I'd feel like an idiot.
LeonardI don't believe it. Stuart's putting the moves on Penny.
HowardI have got to learn how to draw. (Sheldon snatches the comic book) Hey.
SheldonOnce again, defeated by your own prurient interests.
RajGuys, have you seen Stuart all up in Penny's business over there?
LeonardNobody's up in anybody's business. Let's just buy our stuff and go.
PennyOkay, you've got my number. Now, give me the picture.
bi All right. You drive a hard bargain, but here. (Hands her the picture)
PennyAll right. So, um, just give me a call.
SheldonSo, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?
The living room. Sheldon's checking his new-bought combic book.
SheldonLook at that. That's a dent. Thank you, Howard "Ham-Fisted" Wolowitz. (Leonard turns off the TV) Did you shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine Star Trek: The Original Series "Trouble With Tribbles" crossover episode?
SheldonAre you ill?
SheldonAll right. Then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
LeonardWhen did you pick up on that?
SheldonA moment ago, you turned off the TV in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine Star Trek: The Original Series "Trouble With Tribbles" crossover episode. Would you like some advice?
LeonardSure, why not?
SheldonThen this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.
LeonardGee, thanks a lot.
SheldonWould you rather I offer my personal insight?
LeonardNo, I don't need any insights. I just wanna know why Penny's more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy.
SheldonOh, I disagree. You know, Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed, and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.
LeonardYou're right. I really should be asking strangers on the Internet.
SheldonMy original point.
SheldonChinese food, vintage video games. After the nightmare of Anything Can Happen Thursday, this is Friday night the way it was meant to be.
HowardWho's up for Sheldon-Free Saturday?
PennyOh, hey, guys. Hey, Penny, and Stuart. Hey, Stuart.
HowardSo, what are you kids up to?
PennyUh, Stuart has a piece in an art show that's opening tonight.
LeonardAnd you guys are going together. Great.
StuartIt is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you doing?
PennyIt's Friday night, that means Chinese food and vintage video games right?
SheldonVintage doesn't even begin to describe what we have planned. Tonight we are playing the classic 1980 interactive text adventure, Zork. It's the buggy beta version.
PennyWow, Zork. Well, you guys have fun.
StuartSee you, guys.
HowardSee you, Stuart.
LeonardTake me to a bar with women.
HowardOkay. Let me just go inside and slip off my underwear.
HowardWell, if I get lucky, I don't wanna be caught in my Aquaman briefs.
Leonard(To Raj) Do you? Let's go.
RajMay I have a grasshopper with a little umbrella, please?
HowardNo, he may not.
HowardI'm not sitting here with a guy drinking a grasshopper with a little umbrella.
RajFine. I'll have a chocolate martini.
RajCome on, you know I can't talk to women unless I'm lit up like the Hindu festival of Diwali.
HowardLook, there are plenty of bars in Los Angeles where you can order grasshoppers and chocolate martinis, but you wouldn't have to because there are no women in them.
RajGotcha. I'll have a Brandy Alexander. (Howard is frustrated)
HowardAll right, the Three Musketeers just became the Dynamic Duo.
LeonardShould we talk to some of these women?
HowardNo, it's way too early in the night for that. See, first we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd and then, we go after the weak and the old and the lame.
LeonardThat's your system?
HowardThat's my system. Oh, and if you spot a chick with a Seeing Eye dog, she's mine.
PennyOh, come on. I think it's nice that Captain Sweatpants showed up to your art opening.
StuartYeah. It would've been nicer if he hadn't touched all the cheese.
PennyUm, you know, it's kinda early. Do you wanna maybe come in for some coffee or something?
StuartOh, gee, (Glances at his watch) it's a little late for coffee, isn't it?
PennyOh, you think "coffee" means coffee. That is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf.
Sheldon(Comes out of the apartment) Oh, good, Stuart. I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment?
StuartUh, yeah, I guess.
PennySheldon, we're a little busy here, so-
SheldonWhat are you doing?
StuartWe're having coffee.
SheldonIsn't it a little late for coffee?
StuartIt's okay. She thinks she has decaf.
PennyI'll just go look for it.
SheldonWell, I've spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chat room, and I need your help.
StuartOh, yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What's the topic?
SheldonI am asserting in the event that Batman's death proves permanent, the original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.
StuartOoh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon"More wrong"? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
StuartOf course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable. It's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing. A superhero in his own right. "Batman Two" has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.
Sheldon"Has to be"? "Has to be"? I hope you're being deliberately provocative.
PennyI found the decaf.
SheldonYeah, herbal tea for me, please. (Follows Stuart into Penny's apartment)
RajBarkeep, Alexander me.
LeonardHow about those two?
HowardNo, they're eating peanuts. With my allergies, one kiss would put me in Cedars-Sinai for a week.
LeonardWhat about the ones in the corner?
HowardPossible. Very possible. You want the one in the whiplash collar or the one who keeps blinking?
LeonardI think Blinky's cute.
LeonardWait. So we just go over there?
HowardNo. We have a little prep work to do. Put this in your mouth, we walk past them, you stumble a bit. I say, "Sorry, my friend's had a little too much." And then I start to pull it out of your mouth and say: "A little too much fun." Get it? I mean, they're laughing, we're laughing. Then we get them up to about a 0.15 blood alcohol level and tell them we're millionaires.
LeonardWhat else you got?
HowardDepends. Are you willing to sit on my lap and pretend to be a ventriloquist's dummy?
HowardI can't sit on your lap. You don't know the routine.
StuartI'm sorry, but you're obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC Universe.
SheldonOf course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman's parents effectively deprived him of his raison d'être.
StuartOkay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn't make you right.
StuartPlus, you're forgetting that the Infinite Crisis story line restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology.
SheldonI am forgetting nothing, and I resent your tone.
StuartOkay. Look, Sheldon, it's late. I've gotta get some sleep.
SheldonSo I win.
StuartNo, I'm tired.
SheldonSo I win.
StuartFine, you win.
SheldonDarn tooting, I win.
StuartPenny, I really had a terrific time. (She's asleep on the couch) Penny?
SheldonNo no no no. Don't wake her. She'll maul you like a rabid wolverine. (They tiptoes out)
StuartYou know, I don't think that was decaf.
HowardWait, is this your card or isn't it? (The girls leave; to Leonard) Trust me, this was their card.
LeonardI thought you were good at this. You're always talking about how you go to bars and meet women.
HowardI do. All the time.
LeonardWell, what happened? And sitting here all night, the longest conversation you've had with a woman was when your mom called.
HowardWow, you're just gonna make me come out and say it, aren't you?
HowardYou're weighing me down. I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
LeonardFine, I'll sit here. You take flight and hunt.
HowardDon't be ridiculous. You can't just tell a falcon when to hunt.
LeonardActually, you can. There's a whole sport built around it. Falconry.
HowardShut up. Let's just get Koothrappali and go. (A fat girl is kissing Raj passionately) Lucky bastard. It's gotta be that stupid accent of his. (To a girl) Hello, I'm Sanjay Wolowitz from Bombay. (She shakes her head and walks off) Okay, I'm stumped.