The living room. HowardOkay. Are you from the Star Wars universe?
HowardWere you in the original trilogy?
HowardIs there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
LeonardGod, I hope not. No, I'm not Princess Leia.
RajOkay, my turn. Um, are you in all six Star Wars movies?
RajInteresting. Are you a droid?
RajDo you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon? (Sheldon is offended)
LeonardYou got it.
SheldonThat's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, I just don't see it.
(Cell phone ringing)
HowardLeslie Winkle. Ahem. You've reached Friends with Benefits. For a booty call, press 1 now.
SheldonWhat exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?
LeonardNo. Look, uh, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.
SheldonI'm sorry, I can't imagine any of that.
LeonardAll right, back to the game.
SheldonI believe it's my turn. You may begin your questions whenever you're ready.
RajAre you Spock?
SheldonI don't like this game.
HowardSo, where were we?
RajAren't you leaving for your booty call?
HowardNo, it was something else. Why does everything have to be about sex with you? Come on. Whose turn is it?
LeonardWe're up to you.
HowardGreat. Just start.
LeonardOkay, let's see. Are you from a TV series?
HowardShe dumped me.
SheldonI bet he's someone from Babylon 5. We're never gonna get it. Continued from earlier. RajWhat happened with Leslie? Why did she dump you?
HowardI don't know. She just said, "Howard, Mama's a rolling stone." Then her call waiting beeped, and she was gone.
SheldonI don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having what appears to be an emotional response?
LeonardSheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
HowardOf course I had feelings for her. I saw her naked for God's sake.
LeonardOkay, look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you wanna go to the comic-book store, maybe go see a movie?
HowardI don't wanna go anywhere.
SheldonYou know, I'm given to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada, designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. We can replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction, and sexually-transmitted diseases.
RajIs it me or was that Sheldon's way of saying, "Vegas, baby"?
LeonardI've never been there, have you?
RajMe? No. I just got "Vegas, baby!" from Vince Vaughn in Swingers.
HowardThat could be fun. I know my weekend's wide open now that- (Sighs)
LeonardOkay, let's do this. Let's go to Las Vegas.
HowardNow? Right now?
LeonardWhy not? People do things right now all the time. Why can't we be "right now" people too? Go home, pack a bag, and we'll be "right now" people. I mean, I have to stop at the drugstore to refill a prescription, but after that, we'll go right now.
RajWhat do you say, Howard?
HowardI say, Vegas, baby.
RajWhat are you gonna tell your mother?
HowardSeaWorld, baby.
LeonardHey, Sheldon, are you coming?
SheldonI'd rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.
LeonardGreat, we'll bring you back a T-shirt. The first floor of the building. Sheldon(To someone holding the door for him) Thank you. (To Penny) Hello, neighbor.
PennyHello, Sheldon.
SheldonAnd how are you this fine evening?
SheldonGood, I'm glad.
PennyReally? Are you drunk?
SheldonI'm just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
PennyThat's Superman's big ice thingy, right?
SheldonYou know, I'm in such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.
PennyMmm. What smells so good?
SheldonThat is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer. A perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97-pound blister. And finally, its main ingredient is paneer, a farmer's cheese that would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.
PennyYum. Well, enjoy your big evening.
SheldonPenny? I realize you're also on your own tonight. So if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.
PennyHave fun, Sheldon.
SheldonOh, I shall. (Humming Superman theme song) Nooo!
PennyWhat's wrong, Superman? Locked out of your big ice thingy? A hotel room bathroom. Leonard and Raj are combing their hair. RajLook at this. Mouthwash, lotion, body wash, shampoo and conditioner together in one tiny bottle. I love Las Vegas.
LeonardHey, Howard, can I borrow some aftershave?
HowardBlack case, top compartment.
LeonardThat's a lot of cologne.
HowardFirst row are your musks. Second is woods, leathers and botanicals. Third is assorted pheromones. Tread lightly.
Raj(Takes a bunch of condoms out of the case) That's the spirit, Howard. Yes, we can.
LeonardCome on, let's go.
HowardYou guys go ahead. I just have to finish up an e-mail.
LeonardThat's not an e-mail, that's Leslie's Facebook page.
HowardOkay, fine. I'm checking her Facebook page. Look at her status update. She's saying she dumped me. People need to know I dumped her.
RajBut she did dump you.
HowardGrow up, Raj. There's no place for truth on the Internet. Just go. I'll catch up with you.
LeonardAll right.
RajOh, we should have a plan in case one of us gets lucky.
LeonardOkay, uh, if I get lucky, I'll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and, if you get lucky, I'll sleep on the moon.
RajSounds like a plan. Penny's apartment. PennyHang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
SheldonWe have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
PennySo, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?
SheldonI left them in the bowl.
PennyUh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is.
PennyIn your apartment.
SheldonWhat's it doing in my apartment?
PennyWell, I went in there a few weeks ago, and you guys weren't home, and I forgot it there.
SheldonYou went in my-? Why would-? What are you saying?
PennyIt's not a big deal. I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.
SheldonYou're the milk thief. Leonard said I was crazy, but I knew that carton felt lighter.
PennyAll right, Sheldon, look, just calm down. I'll call the building manager. He'll come open your door. You just eat your dinner here while you're waiting.
SheldonEat my dinner in your apartment?
PennyYeah, why not?
SheldonSure, why not? And after the sun's down, we can all pile in my pickup and go skinny dipping down at the creek. 'Cause today's the day to stopped making sense. A Bar. Leonard(To a barmaid) Thanks.
Raj(Drinking a glass of grasshopper) I'm telling you, Leonard. Video slots, free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid, all you can eat shrimp for $3.95? (They clink their glasses) Disneyland can suck it. This is the real happiest place on Earth.
LeonardDude, check it out. That's laundry for a month.
Raj(Takes a swig of his drink) Hello.
WomanWhat's your name?
RajRajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
WomanHello, Rajesh Ram- Hi, Rajesh.
MikaylaI'm Mikayla.
RajHello, Mikayla.
MikaylaSo, are you interested in a little party?
RajOh, my, yes. I love to party. "Party" is my middle name. Or it would be if it weren't "Ramayan."
LeonardUh, Raj, can I, can I talk to you for a moment?
RajNot now, Leonard, Mikayla's inviting me to a party. You'd better call the moon and make sure they have a bed for you.
LeonardYeah, I really need to talk to you.
RajExcuse me. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Don't move. Just stay the beautiful unspoiled American flower that you are. (To Leonard) What's wrong with you, dude? That woman is all up on my jammy.
LeonardOkay, I hate to break this to you and whatever your jammy is, but I'm pretty sure she's a prostitute.
RajWhat? No.
LeonardOkay, let me put it this way. In your entire life, how many gorgeous women have walked straight up to you at a bar and asked if you wanted to party?
HowardMaybe I can save her.
LeonardMaybe. But I'm guessing it'll cost you about $500 an hour to try.
Raj(Goes back; to Mikayla) It was lovely meeting you. Best of luck in your future endeavors. (Presses his hands together, giving a Namaste greeting)
MikaylaWhatever. (Leaves)
RajOh, I miss her already.
(Cell phone beeps)
LeonardOh, Howard's losing it. Check out his latest Twitters. "I'm at the bottom of a black hole staring into the abyss. My life is meaningless. My future is without hope."
RajWhy don't we take him to see the Blue Man Group?
LeonardYou think that'd help?
RajUSA Today calls them "Exuberant fun for the whole family."
LeonardI don't know. Howard isn't really the "family fun" kind of guy.
RajIt's too bad he wasn't here for that hooker. She's exactly his type: A hooker. You know, I bet if we hired her, that would cheer him up.
LeonardWe're not going to get Wolowitz a hooker.
(Cell phone beeps)
Raj"I'm so lonely and horny, I may open this $20 jar of peanuts and end it all."
LeonardI suppose it wouldn't hurt to get an estimate. Penny's. She and Sheldon are eating dinner. SheldonSo how was your day?
PennyAre you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don't have to.
SheldonNo, it's the accepted convention. How was your day?
PennyWell, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant, so my hours are gonna be a little different-
SheldonI'm sorry, that's not going to interest me at all. Just eat. The bar. Raj(To Mikayla) Hello, again.
MikaylaOh, hi.
LeonardYeah, hi. Listen, um, if you're not busy, well, we were thinking maybe you could- We were wondering-
RajIf you really a prostitute.
MikaylaYou guys cops?
MikaylaI'm a prostitute.
LeonardOkay, great. Um, the, the thing is, we've got this friend, and he's kind of down in the dumps and we thought maybe you could cheer him up.
RajWith sex.
LeonardI think she knows what I meant.
RajHow can she when you beat around the bush? She's from the mean streets, where they shoot from the hip and keep it real.
MikaylaDon't worry, I can take good care of your friend.
LeonardOkay, terrific. Um, listen, is, is there a way or that we can do this where he doesn't know that you're a- you know-
MikaylaYou want the girlfriend experience.
LeonardYes, yeah. Exactly. The girlfriend experience.
RajActually, if it's not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience? Penny's. They are sitting on the couch. SheldonOkay, that's question 20. You have to guess.
PennyOh God, I don't know, Sheldon. Are you Star Wars?
SheldonHow can one person be a whole movie?
PennyOkay, I give up. Can we just do something else?
SheldonFine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?
SheldonAre you and Leonard friends with benefits?
PennyWhere did that even come from? Did he say we were?
SheldonNo, Leonard said nothing. But who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered?
PennyJust mail, no benefits.
SheldonI see.
PennyWhy are you asking?
SheldonI'm curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying one's sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such. Without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I've observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.
PennyWell, some people just can't handle that kind of relationship.
SheldonCan you?
Penny'Scuse me?
SheldonAre you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?
PennySheldon, I really don't wanna talk about this with you.
SheldonIs this conversation making you uncomfortable?
PennyOf course it's making me uncomfortable. Can't you tell?
SheldonI really have no idea. I don't particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language-
PennyI'm uncomfortable, Sheldon!
SheldonThank you, that's very helpful. A buffet. HowardAll right, where are these amazing shrimp?
LeonardBehold. (Shows him a plate of shrimps)
HowardSeriously? (Picks up one) You think this is the size of a baby's arm?
RajA little baby.
HowardI'm going back to the room.
MikaylaBoy, would it maybe kill them to put out a nice brisket?
Howard(Comes back) Hi, there. Howard Wolowitz.
MikaylaEster Rosenblatt. Penny's. PennyI don't think the manager's coming tonight, so here. (Sets down a couple of cushions)
SheldonAre you suggesting I sleep on the couch?
PennyWell, it wasn't the first suggestion that came to mind, but it's the one I'm going with.
SheldonI can't sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given its dimensions, I have no intention of living out E. M. Snickering's beloved children's book, The Tall Man From Cornwall.
SheldonThere was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it. There's no room for my big Cornish head.
PennyAll right, I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.
SheldonMay I say one last thing?
PennyOnly if it doesn't rhyme.
SheldonAll right. Good night. The buffet. MikaylaTurn-ons, let me see. Reading a good book in front of the fire, long walks on the beach, and getting freaky on the Sabbath with a bacon cheeseburger.
HowardReally? Me too.
MikaylaOy gevalt, you're hot.
HowardYeah. Excuse me for a moment. (Goes over to Leonard who's sitting at the bar)
LeonardHey. How's it going?
HowardCut the crap. You set this up, didn't you?
HowardShe's a hooker, isn't she?
RajA prostitute, yes.
HowardYou already gave her the money?
HowardThank you. (Goes back) Penny's. SheldonPenny?
SheldonI can't sleep.
PennyMaybe that's because your hole is still open.
SheldonI'm homesick.
PennyYour home is 20 feet from here.
SheldonTwenty feet, 20 light years. It doesn't matter. It's in a galaxy far, far away.
PennyDamn it. What do you want me to do?
SheldonSing "Soft Kitty."
PennyThat's only for when you're sick.
SheldonHomesick is a type of being sick.
PennyCome on, do I really have to?
SheldonI suppose we can stay up and talk.
PennySoft kitty / Warm kitty / Little ball of fur / Happy kitty / Um...
SheldonSleepy kitty.
PennySleepy kitty-
SheldonNo. Start over.
PennySoft kitty / Warm kitty / Little ball of fur / Happy kitty / Sleepy kitty / Purr, purr, purr
SheldonThank you for letting me stay here.
PennyOh. You're welcome, sweetie.
SheldonOkay, I'm sleepy now. Get out. The hallway. Leonard comes up the stairs. SheldonOh, good, you're finally home.
LeonardWhat were you doing at Penny's?
SheldonWell, we had dinner, uh played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh. You'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of "friends with benefits."