[Previously on The Big Bang Theory]
SheldonI'm going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Walowitz, and Koothrappali.
PennyFor three months?
LeonardWhat did you mean when you said you were going to miss me?
PennyIt means I wish you weren't going. Three months later. Leonard, Howard, Raj, and even Sheldon, with bushy beards, enter. LeonardOh, thank God we're home.
HowardI can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
RajIt was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
SheldonI don't know what Arctic expendition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half. The hallway. Sheldon(On phone) Oh, hi, mom. No, I told you I'd call you when I got home. I'm not home yet. (Crosses the door) All right, I'm home. The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success. I'm all but certain there's a Nobel Prize in my future. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I'm entirely certain. No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove it worked. The logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
LeonardI'm gonna go let Penny know we're back.
SheldonMother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To the spot) Hello, old friend. Daddy's home.
PennyLeonard, you're back.
LeonardYeah, I just stopped by to say... (Penny kisses him passionately) Yeah, so, hi!
[Howard and Raj watch Penny and Leonard run into Penny's apartment and close the door.]
HowardDamn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
RajYeah, it was first come, first serve. The living room. SheldonI just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions.
SheldonOf course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
RajWe have to tell him.
SheldonTell me what?
HowardDamn his Vulcan hearing.
SheldonYou fellows are planning a party for me, aren't you?
HowardOkay, Sheldon, sit down.
SheldonIf there's going to be a theme I should let you know that I don't care for luau, toga or "under the sea."
HowardYeah, we'll keep that in mind. Look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.
SheldonIf this is about the night the heat went out, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
RajIt's not about that.
HowardAnd we agreed never speak of it again.
SheldonSo we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.
HowardHe's spking about it.
RajFor me, it was a bonding moment.
HowardSeldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
RajI thought we were going to be gentle with him.
HowardThat's why I added the "tator." And then when we finally got our first positive data, you were so happy.
SheldonOh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital "D."
HowardWell, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn't so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.
RajHe just went colon, capital "O."
SheldonYou tampered with my experiment?
HowardWe had to.
RajIt was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. (To Howard) You see that? I add the "ensian."
LeonardDid Leonard know abou this?
Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn't know.
HowardActually, it was his idea.
SheldonOf course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard. Penny's apartment. Penny and Leonard are passionately kissing. PennyI missed you so much.
LeonardI missed you, too.
PennyI couldn't even think of anyone else while you were gone.
LeonardMe neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story. It's... Don't ask.
Sheldon(Knocking at the door) Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
Leonard(Whispering) Do not make a sound.
SheldonWhispering, "Do not make a sound..." is a sound.
LeonardDamn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon.
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennyOh, this is ridiculous. (Opens the door) What?
SheldonHello, Penny. I realize you're currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
PennyIt's great to see you too, come on in.
Sheldon(To Leonard) Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
LeonardYes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don't expect you to, either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for such an absorbed criticism and repentance.
PennyAll right, can someone please tell me what's going on here?
SheldonWhat's going on, is I was lead to believe I was I was making ground-breaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.
PennyIs that true?
LeonardIt was the only way to make him happy.
PennyWhy did you have to make him happy?
LeonardBecause when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
SheldonThat seems like a bit of an overreaction.
LeonardNo, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell, "Mush." Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.
SheldonYes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I've already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man's understanding of the universe.
LeonardAw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that. So write another e-mail. Set the record straight. It's no big deal.
SheldonYou're right, Leonard. It's not a big deal. All you did was lie to me, destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal.
PennyOh, the poor thing.
LeonardYeah, I feel terrible. (Tries to kiss Penny)
PennyWa-wait. Aren't you going to go talk to him.
LeonardWhat? Uh, he'll be fine. The guy's a trouper. Come here.
PennyNo, you're right. You shouldn't talk to him. I will. (Leaves)
LeonardMan, I cannot catch a break. Sheldon's bedroom. He's curling up in the bed. Door knocks. PennyHey. Do you want to talk?
SheldonAbout what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn't even get to go to Comic-Con! (Cries)
Penny(Sits down and starts to touch hime but stops) Oh, hon... (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty...
SheldonThat's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick.
PennySorry. I don't know your sad song.
SheldonI don't have a sad song. I'm not child.
PennyWell, you know, I do understand what you're going through.
SheldonReally? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in Waitressing stolen from you?
PennyWell, no, but uh when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was gonna be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mobacher head cheerleader. Big old slutbag.
SheldonAre you saying, that you think a "celebtion pie" is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?
PennyWell, they're pretty tasty.
SheldonAnd on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit be a cheer leader?
PennyLook, Sheldon, I just don't think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it's like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn't true, like saying Spock didn't care his mom died?
SheldonI missed Comic-Con and the new Star Trek movie! The cafeteria. RajI like the new look.
HowardThanks. I call it "the Clooney."
RajI call it "the Mario and Luigi but whatever. (To Leonard) Hey, how's Sheldon doing?
LeonardWell, he came out of his room this morning wearing his his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the force, so I'd say, "well, a little better."
HowardIf I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally... you know.
HowardPersonally, I don't care, but my genitals wanted me to ask.
LeonardWell uh tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business.
Howard(To his genitals) He says they didn't do it.
[Sheldon appears]
LeonardSheldon, over here.
[Sheldon ignores Leonard and sits at another table and then tries to choke Leonard with the force. Raj imitates choking]
HowardWhat are you doing?
RajI feel bad for the guy.
[Leonard stands up and goes over to Sheldon's table]
LeonardSheldon, why are you sitting by yourself?
SheldonBecause I am without friends.
Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.
LeonardCome on. We said we we sorry.
SheldonIt's going to take more than an "I'm sorry" and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you've done to me.
BarryHey, Cooper. Read your retraction email. Way to destroy your reputation.
You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.
BarryThat's not true. People have been pointing and laughing at you your whole life.
SheldonAll right, I've had enough. (Stands up) Attention, everyone. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.
BarryOff a cliff.
SheldonMy credibility mayhave beend damaged.
BarryComplete wrecked.
SheldonBut, I would like to remind you that in science, there's no such thing as failure. There once was a man who refer to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single "biggest blunder" of his career. That man's name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.
BarryYeah, but research into Dark Energy proved that Einstein's cosmological constant was actually right all along, so you're still, surprise, surprise, a loser.
SheldonOh, you think you're so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy. (Leaves)
LeonardSo much for our friendship with Sheldon.
RajWell. We'll always have the night when the heat went out. Penny's door. PennyHi.
LeonardHey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this.
PennyOh, Leonard, you shouldn't have. Oh, boy! What is it?
LeonardIt's a snowflake. From the North Pole.
PennyAre you serious?
LeonardIt'll last forever. I preserved in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.
PennyOh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand.
LeonardIt's actually a pretty simple process. You see, cyanoacrylates are monomers which polymerize on- (Interrupted by Penny, who kisses him)
[Howard and Raj appear]
HowardRed alert, Leonard. Sheldon ran away.
LeonardMan, I cannot catch a break.
PennySo, how do you know he ran away?
HowardWell, he's not answering his phone, he handed in his resignation at the university and he sent me a text that said, "I'm running away."
LeonardOkay, well, thanks for letting me know. (Tries to kiss Penny)
PennyWell, Leonard, aren't you gonna do something?
LeonardOf course I'm gonna do something. Uh, Howard, you checkthe comic book store, Raj, go to the Thai restaurant. I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment. (Phone rings) Oh, damn it. It's Sheldon's mother. A break cannot be caught. Hi, Mrs. Cooper. He is? (To Penny, Howard and Raj) Sheldon went home to Texas. Yeah, no, I know he resigned. Yes... I guess it's kind of our fault. No, no, no. You-you're right. Someone needs to come talk to him. Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Yeah. (Hangs up) All right. New plan. Howard, you and Raj go to Texas. I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment.
PennyWell, you're not gonna go with them?
LeonardWell, you know, I gave you the snowflake and we were kissing and... Oh, come on, I don't wanna go to Texas!
HowardOh, right, and I do? My people already crossed a desert once. We're done.
LeonardTrust me, you'll be fine. See ya.
PennyWell, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He's your best friend.
LeonardYeah, but I already saw him naked. Just come here.
PennyNo. I promise I will be he when you get back. Just go help Sheldon.
PennyYeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
LeonardMaybe you can.
RajBoy, you cannot catch a break, can you? Living room of Sheldon's home in Galveston, Texas. Mrs. CooperHere you go, Shelly.
SheldonThanks, Mom.
Mrs. CooperHold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.
SheldonAw, Mom.
Mrs. CooperThis is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. (Sheldon throws a piece of chip back into his plate and gives his mother his hand)
Mrs. CooperBy His hand we are all...
Mrs. CooperGive us, Lord, our daily...
Mrs. CooperPlease know that we are truly...
Mrs. CooperFor every cup and every...
Mrs. CooperAmen. Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?
SheldonMy objection was based ononsiderations other than difficulty.
Mrs. CooperWhatever. Jesus still loves you.
SheldonThank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.
Mrs. CooperOh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin. But you can just pretend he's Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?
SheldonThey're not my friends.
Mrs. CooperAll right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
SheldonThat was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Mrs. CooperOh baby, they knew very well why they hated you. A car on a a street in Galveston, Texas. Howard is wearing a hat. LeonardI can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
HowardHello?I'm wearing a red turtleneck. Plus, it was the only boys' large they had.
RajI'm sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where's the tumbleweeds? Whe's the saloons?
RajYeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, uh, Four for Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas.
HowardThis neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
RajI was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
LeonardWhat can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there. Porch of Sheldon's home. LeonardWill you please take that stupid hat off?
HowardNo, I wanna blend in.
RajTo what? Toy Story?
Mrs. CooperHi, boys.
HowardHowdy, ma'am.
Mrs. CooperHowdy to you too. You got here quick.
LeonardWe took the red-eye.
Mrs. CooperWell, come on in.
HowardThank you kindly.
Mrs. CooperCan I, can I get you something to drink?
LeonardUh, no, thank you.
HowardIf you don't mind, I got a hankering for a Lone Star beer.
Mrs. CooperThere's no alcohol in this household. Stop talking like that, lose the hat.
Howard(Loses the hat) Sorry. I'll take a diet Yoo-hoo if you have it.
Mrs. CooperYou'll take a Cola. What about you? Radge, isn't it? Oh, you still having trouble talking to the ladies? Because, you know, at our church, we have a woman who's an amazing healer. Mostly she does, uh, crutch and wheelchair people, but I bet she'd be willing to take a shot at whatever Third World demon is running around inside of you.
LeonardUh, if you don't mind, Mrs. Cooper, there's a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angele and you have no idea how much I wanna be on it.
Mrs. CooperA girl?
LeonardUh, yes, ma'am.
Mrs. CooperOh, good. I'll be praying for you.
[Sheldon appears]
Mrs. CooperOh, Sheldon.
SheldonWhat are they doing here?
LeonardWe came to apologize.
LeonardAnd bring you home. So, why don't you pack up your stuff and we'll head back?
SheldonNo, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. CooperYou watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
SheldonEvolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mrs. CooperAnd that is your opinion.
Sheldon(To Leonard, Howard, and Raj) I forgive you. Let's go home.
Mrs. CooperDon't tell me prayer doesn't work.
Bedroom in Penny's apartment. LeonardHow about that? I finally caught a break.
LeonardYou know, how they say when friends have sex it can get weird?
LeonardWhy does it have to get weird?
PennyI don't know.
LeonardI mean, we were friends, and now we're more than friends. And we're whatever "this" is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and...
PennyIt's weird.