The comic book store. HowardSheldon, you're wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
SheldonHoward, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
HowardOkay, first of all-
RajGive it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.
SheldonI'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
LeonardHey, guys.
HowardWhat are you doing here?
LeonardWhat do you mean? It's new comic book night.
RajYeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum yum night.
LeonardThere's more to life than sex, Raj.
HowardOkay, who had "Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours"?
SheldonI did.
LeonardNothing flamed out. We don't have to have sex every night, you know.
HowardYou don't have to, but it's highly recommended.
RajYeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky.
LeonardIt's not a matter of opportunity. We're getting to know each other. There's a learning curve.
HowardWhat's there to learn?You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.
SheldonPerhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.
RajOkay, who had "Leonard gets a floppy disk?
SheldonOh, a clever albeit obsolete euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.
LeonardNothing like that happened, all right? The sex was... just fine.
RajJust fine? Oh, dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was "just fine."
LeonardI'm not saying it was bad. I'm just saying it... wasn't great.
HowardOkay, when you say "it wasn't great," do you mean for both of you? Because we can totally see it not being great for her. Am I right?
RajOh, yeah.
LeonardTo tell you the truth, I think we were both a little- I don't know-
RajDisappointed? Let down?
HowardAshamed? Horrified? Repulsed?
LeonardAll I know is, It wasn't the way I dreamed it would be.
HowardSex is never the way I dream it's gonna be.
RajThat's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
SheldonExcuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments. The living room. LeonardSheldon, dinner's here.
SheldonTandoori Palace?
LeonardNo, we went somewhere new.
SheldonYou're good-naturedly ribbing me, aren't you?
LeonardNo, look, Mumbai Palace.
SheldonWhy? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace.
LeonardTrust me, this will be just fine.
HowardYou are the authority on "just fine."
LeonardWhat's that supposed to mean?
HowardYeah, exactly. "Not bad, but not great."
PennyWhat are they talking about?
LeonardI don't know.
SheldonI know. As I'm sure you're aware...
LeonardDuh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
SheldonIf that's Morse code, that's terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as "just fine." So what you're seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.
PennyOkay, yeah, well, I'm just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.
LeonardPenny, wait. (To Sheldon) What is wrong with you?
SheldonI sense I may have crossed some sort of line.
RajYeah, you-
HowardWait wait wait, don't tell him. Let's see if he can figure it out.
[Cut to Penny's living room.]
PennyOh, I am so embarrassed!
LeonardPlease don't be mad.
PennyWhat did you tell them?
LeonardNothing bad, just that last night was fine.
PennyFine? You said it was fine?
LeonardYeah, it's a perfectly good word. You-you put it in front of "wine" or "dining," and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this: How was last night for you?
PennyIt was... okay.
LeonardOkay?
PennyYeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact, you know? For a lot of couples, it takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.
LeonardSo, you' been through this before?
PennyNo.
LeonardOkay-dokay.
PennyYou know, I think this is one of those things where talking about it is not gonna make it better. You want a glass of wine?
LeonardSo much.
PennyOkay. See, we should've done this last night. You know, have a little wine, take the edge off.
LeonardActually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
PennyDon't talk, just drink.
[The living room.]
HowardNo, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. We don't pray to them. We prey on them.
RajWhatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't.
SheldonIs this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard shows approval) Oh, good! Now I can eat.
RajWhat's that?
HowardSounds like a cricket.
SheldonHang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.
HowardOh, give me a freaking break. How could you possibly know that?
SheldonIn 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
RajHow do you know what the exact temperature of the room is?
SheldonUnder the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I've had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of '06.
HowardOkay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you're wrong about the cricket.
SheldonHoward, don't embarrass yourself. The science chirps for itself. Humorous word play.
HowardYeah, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend. I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with DYMO labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.
RajOh, dude, you're never getting a shiksa goddess.
SheldonThat is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.
HowardOkay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that's an ordinary field cricket.
SheldonI can't take your money.
HowardWhat's the matter, you chicken?
SheldonI've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not by nature at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
RajChickens can't climb trees.
SheldonThank God.
HowardOkay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don't buy. Bet me.
SheldonFair enough. What stakes do you propose?
HowardI will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue.
SheldonAll right, you have a wager.
RajGreat. Now how are you gonna settle it, hmm? There is no way to determine the species of the cricket without examining it. (They are looking for the cricket) I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight.
[Penny's living room. The non-pathetic people and Penny are kissing passionately on the couch.]
LeonardMore wine?
PennyHit me.
[A closet in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.]
SheldonI don't see anything.
HowardShh!
RajHallway. (They are jammed in the door)
SheldonOne at a time. (Jammed again)
[Hallway]
SheldonWhat was that?
RajMy stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?
HowardShh! Elevator shaft.
SheldonHelp me open it.
HowardAre you crazy? We can't go down an empty elevator shaft.
SheldonFine, if you don't want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I'll take possession of your Fantastic Four.
HowardLet's open her up.
SheldonAre you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?
HowardDon't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it.
SheldonOh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister. And I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
RajOoh, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
[Penny's. They are drinking and smirking.]
LeonardWhat are we drinking now?
PennyPeppermint schnapps.
LeonardWhy would you buy peppermint schnapps?
PennyBecause I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps.
PennyHey, Leonard?
LeonardWhat?
PennySchnapps.
LeonardSchnapps. You're right, it is fun.
[The elevator shaft.]
RajBe careful.
Sheldon(In the shaft) If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
RajStairwell.
SheldonUh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It's really dark down here.
[Penny's bathroom.]
PennyOh, sweetie. You really can't hold your liquor, can you?
LeonardI'm okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I'm gonna rock your world. Are you okay? The cafeteria. Raj is talking to a cricket. RajUgh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now?
SheldonHis name isn't Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.
RajWhat would you name him?
SheldonAn appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.
HowardAll right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast's Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here. See it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "suck it, you lose."
SheldonHang on. Voilà! The snowy tree cricket. AKA Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I'll suck nothing. Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo.
HowardThat is not Toby, this is Toby.
SheldonRaj, what do you think?
RajOh, I really don't care anymore.
LeonardGod, I had the most horrible night.
RajWhat happened?
SheldonObviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.
HowardShiksa. Shik-sa.
SheldonForgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.
HowardYeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you're wrong again.
SheldonWe haven't established that I'm wrong once.
HowardAll right. Tell you what. Let's go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor Crawley tell us what kind of cricket Toby is.
SheldonHe's a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy.
LeonardI bet I could throw a rock in this room and come up with three better friends. (They leave) A lab. RajHoly crap. It's like Silence of the Lambs down here. (Howard taps Raj on the neck) Don't do that!
HowardYou're such a girl. They're just bugs.
RajYeah, well, I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
SheldonInteresting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You're welcome.
(A man enters)
ManDon't knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world's leading expert on the dung beetle?
SheldonExcuse me, are you Professor Crawley?
Prof. CrawleyWho wants to know?
SheldonI'm Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.
Prof. CrawleyOh, couldn't wait, huh?
SheldonI'm sorry?
Prof. CrawleyI haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
HowardNo, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question.
Prof. CrawleyLet me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?
RajAsk rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?
Prof. CrawleyWhat's your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?
RajI'm from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist.
SheldonNo, no. We're here. Let's settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket?
Prof. CrawleyOf course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that's gonna keep me from
having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
HowardWell, could you look at Toby?
Prof. CrawleyToby? Stupid name for a cricket.
SheldonTold you.
Prof. CrawleyIt's a field cricket.
HowardYes!
SheldonNo no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Prof. CrawleyYoung man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.
SheldonCruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Prof. CrawleyLet me show you something. See that? That's a Crawley's dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! 'Cause God knows I can't! That tramp took me for everything!
SheldonWell, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations.
RajEnjoy Oxnard. I'm sure your daughter's looking forward to having you. First floor of the apartment building. PennyOh, hey, Sheldon. What you got there? A new comic book?
SheldonOld comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box.
PennyWhat do you have a safe deposit box for?
SheldonOld comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.
PennyWhat, do they have Wii cricket now? That can't be very popular.
SheldonPenny, I'd rather not talk about it.
PennyWell, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not feeling so hot either.
SheldonWhy would that make me feel better?
PennyI don't know, empathy? Anyway, I'm just saying, that you're feeling upset about something with Howard, and I'm upset about something with Leonard.
SheldonYes, yes, the disappointing sex. That's an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley's chicken.
PennyWhat's Mrs. Riley's chicken?
SheldonA chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.
PennyOkay, forget the chicken.
SheldonWell, I wish I could.
PennyNo no. You may be right about me and Leonard.
SheldonOf course I'm right. What are the odds I'd be wrong twice in one week?
PennyNo, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.
SheldonI just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned. The living room. SheldonHello.
LeonardHey. What's going on?
SheldonOh, you'd like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.
LeonardWait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life?
SheldonLeonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.
LeonardRight right. You're saying you talked to Penny?
SheldonYe-Yes.
LeonardInteresting.
SheldonHardly.
LeonardExcuse me. (Starts to leave)
SheldonHave I crossed some sort of line again?
LeonardLittle bit.
SheldonHmm. Oh, who cares? Penny's door. PennyOh, hey.
LeonardUh, what did Sheldon say to you?
PennyNot a lot. Just that we always have the option of going back to being friends.
LeonardIs that what you want?
PennyI don't know. I mean, you have to admit things seemed simpler when we were just friends.
LeonardI guess.
PennyIt would take the pressure off.
LeonardIt would, wouldn't it?
PennySo, we'll just be friends.
LeonardGood. Good.
PennyCome here. (They hug and then kiss passionately)
Leonard(Closes the door) Okay-dokay.