The kitchen. Penny's singing "Man! I Feel Like A Woman!" and dancing. PennyI'm going out tonight / I'm feeling all right / Going to let it all hang out / Wanna mak some noise / Really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout (Sees Sheldon) Good morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
SheldonNo.
PennyWhy not?
SheldonPenny, (Turns off the player) while I subscribe to the "many worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that none of them am I dancing.
PennyAre you fun in any of them?
SheldonThe math would suggest that a few I'm a clown made of candy. But I don't dance.
PennyAll right. You want some French toast?
SheldonIt's oatmeal day.
PennyTell you what, next French toast day, I will make you oatmeal.
SheldonDear lord, are you still going to be here on French toast day?
LeonardMorning.
SheldonLook, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
LeonardSorry I haven't given her your schedule yet.
SheldonIt's an iCal download. She can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you'd have your conjugal visits in her apartment.
LeonardWe did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
PennyI see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
LeonardNo, her bed kind of... broke.
SheldonThat doesn't seem likely. Her bed's of sturdy construction. Even the addition of a second normal size human being wouldn't cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
PennyA homunculus?
LeonardPerfectly formed miniature human being.
PennyOh, you're my little homunculus. (Hugs him)
LeonardDon't do that.
PennySorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?
SheldonI want oatmeal.
PennyYes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn't a giant pain in the ass.
SheldonI'm sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.
PennyYou know what, I give up. He's impossible.
SheldonI can't be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, "I give up, he's improbable."
LeonardSheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
SheldonWhat am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.
LeonardI'm just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
SheldonYou can catch even more flies with manure. What's your point?
LeonardIt's a-
SheldonBoy, that does smell good. Too bad it's Monday. (Throws it into a trash can) The living room. They are having dinner. PennyOkay, so Kim the night manager went on maternity leave, and her husband's name is Sandy, right? So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband's name is Kim.
LeonardWow.
PennyI know. What are the odds? Oh.
SheldonEasily calculable. We begin by identifying a set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless for example. Next we look at the-
LeonardSheldon. It's an amazing coincence. Can we leave it at that?
SheldonI'm sorry. Oh, Penny, It's as if Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
PennySheldon, it's as if you don't think I'll punch you.
LeonardCome on, you guys, let it go.
PennyFine, whatever. (To Sheldon) Are you finished?
SheldonWell, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate?
PennyUm, yeah, sure. (He puts a piece of chocolate in her mouth) Thanks. (Leaves)
LeonardWhat was that?
SheldonYou said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.
LeonardIt does. But in my experience, you don't.
SheldonThere are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
LeonardYeah yeah. Now that's you, obnoxious and insufferable.
Howard(Enters, wearing a strange costume, with Raj in tow) What's going on, day dwellers?
PennyOh, man, did the KISS Army repeal "don't ask, don't tell"?
HowardNo. Raj and I are going to a goth club in Hollywood To hang with the night people. Anybody wanna come along?
PennyOh, wow, you're actually going out like that?
HowardNo, no. I'm going out like this... (Takes off his coat)
LeonardHoward, what did you do?
HowardThey're called tattoo sleeves. Look. Yeah, I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. (Rajs takes off his jacket) Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
SheldonYou know, I've always wanted to go to a goth nightclub.
HowardReally?
SheldonBazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?
HowardOkay, how about you two? Look, I got some extra tat sleeves.
LeonardWhy are you carrying extras?
HowardIn case I snag one on someone's nipple ring.
PennyUh, yeah, I think we'll pass.
HowardOh, is the Mrs speaking for the couple now?
LeonardIn this case, you bet she is. (Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardYes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, But that's not the expression.
HowardCome on, I wanna stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.
LeonardThey're gonna get beaten up at that club.
PennyThey're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon. I almost sat in your spot.
SheldonDid you? I didn't noce. Have a chocolate.
PennyThank you. A goth nightclub. RajI think we're fitting in quite nicely.
HowardIt'd help if you weren't drinking light beer.
RajWhat's so gothic about vodka and cranberry juice?
HowardHello? It looks like blood. Did you even read the wikiHow link I sent you on being goth?
RajNo, I'm behind in my wiki-reading. I'm kind of on a John Grisham kick right now.
HowardWhat?
RajWell, I finished reading The Pelican Brief, and loved it so much, I dived right into the client. He was a lawyer himself, so his novels are accurate as well as entertaining.
HowardJust remember we are lost boys, children of the night.
RajGreat. Lost boys, children of the night. Got it. (To two girls sitting next to him) Can you pass the Chex Mix please? Thank you. We are lost boys.
Girl #1Good for you.
HowardI'm actually much more lost than he is.
Girl #2Nice ink.
HowardThanks. Can we buy you ladies a drink?
Girl #1Two light beers.
RajLight beers. Well, wiki how about that?
Girl #2What's your names?
HowardI'm Howard.
RajRaj.
Girl #1I'm Bethany.
HowardNice to meet you, Bethany.
RajYes, very nice.
BethanyNice to meet you, too.
Girl #2I'm Sarah. Not that anyone cares.
RajDo either of you ladies enjoy the novels of John Grisham? The living room. Leonard, Penny, and Sheldon are watching TV. PennyWhat's this cartoon called again?
LeonardOshikuru: Demon Samurai.
SheldonIt's not a cartoon. It's anime.
PennyAnime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.
SheldonYou're here a lot now.
PennyOh, am I talking too much? I'm sorry. Zip. (Mimes zipping her mouth)
SheldonThank you. Chocolate?
PennyYes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I... (Sheldon sighs) You know what, hold on. Let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon mouths "Chocolate?" Penny mouths "Thanks" and takes one) You'll never guess who they got to replace you at work. (Leaves)
LeonardOkay, I know what you're doing.
SheldonReally?
LeonardYes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.
SheldonVery good. Chocolate?
LeonardNo, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfend like a lab rat.
SheldonActually, turns out I can.
LeonardWell, you shouldn't.
SheldonThere's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the works of Thorndike and B.F.Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
LeonardNo, this has to stop now.
SheldonI'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "bazinga" was implied. We're just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges, if you will.
LeonardNo. You're not sanding Penny.
SheldonAre you saying that I am forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
LeonardYes. You're fordden.
SheldonBad Leonard. (Squirts water at him) The nightclub. BethanySo, what do you guys do?
HowardOh, you know, goth stuff. Goth magazines, goth music.
RajGoth food.
SarahWhat's goth food?
RajBlackened salmon?
BethanyNo, I meant what do you do for jobs?
RajOh, we're scientists.
HowardYeah, you know, the dark sciences.
BethanyWhat are the dark sciences?
RajWell, I am an astrophysicist, And a lot of that takes place at night. When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
HowardOy vay.
BethanyThat sounds really cool.
HowardDoes it? Okay.If you like space stuff, I design components for the International Space Station, which is in space. Where, as I'm sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
RajSo, what do you gals do?
BethanyI work at the GAP.
HowardReally? How about that? I've been to the GAP.
RajI've been there, as well. I like your T-shirts with the little pocket.
SarahI work there, too. Not that anyone cares. You know, this place is boring.
BethanyYeah, why don't we go somewhere else and have some fun?
HowardOkay.
RajSure, we like fun.
HowardWe are fun people.
RajDark and fun.
BethanyCome on. I know a place you'll really dig.
HowardDid you bring the black condoms?
RajIn my fanny pack.
HowardLet's go. A tattoo parlor. Bethany is getting a tattoo. RajAre you happy now?
HowardNot particularly. The living room. PennyOh my god, she didn't!
LeonardWhat could she possibly be talking about for so long?
SheldonObviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. "Bazinga." You know, using positive reinforcemt techniques, I could train that behavior out of her in a week.
LeonardNo.
SheldonIf you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.
LeonardYou're not squirting her in the face with water.
SheldonNo, of course not. We're talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.
LeonardForget it.
SheldonOh, come on. You can't tell me that you're not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
LeonardI'm not. Penny's qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
SheldonYou mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh?
LeonardYes.
SheldonYou wouldn't prefer a throaty chuckle?
LeonardYou're not changing how Penny laughs.
SheldonNo, that would be incongruous. Now I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.
PennySorry, guys. That girl is freaky.
SheldonCome again?
PennyFreaky.
SheldonFreaky?
PennyYeah, freaky.
SheldonHave a chocolate.
PennyThank you. The parlor. Howard is about to get a tatto. RajAre you seriously going to deface your body just for the possibility you could have cheap sex with a strange girl you met in a bar?
HowardUh... Yeah!
RajWhat is your mother going to say?
HowardShe's not gonna see it. She takes my temperature orally now.
BethanyWhat are you gonna get, Howard?
HowardWell, I can't really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull, or Kermit the Frog.
BethanyKermit the Frog?
HowardYou know. (Mimes the puppet) Hello, I'm on Howard's butt.
BethanyGet the mean little skull, And I'll see if I can make him smile.
HowardYeah, I'd like the mean little skull, please.
SarahWhat are you gonna get, Raj?
RajWith my luck, hepatitis.
ManOkay, here we go. (Howard squirms and whines) That's just rubbing alcohol.
HowardI know, but it was cold.
ManI'm putting on the stencil.
HowardWhat-what comes after the stencil?
ManThis.
HowardOkay, that's it. No needle. No pain. No tattoo.
BethanyWhat's the big deal? You've done this before.
HowardNo, I haven't. Look. I'm sorry. I'm a fraud. He's a fraud.
RajWe're both frauds.
HowardYeah, I think I covered that.
RajBut I was summing up.
HowardWe're not goth. We're just... Guys.
RajVery, very smart guys.
BethanySo you were totally scamming us?
HowardYes. And I wouldn't blame you if you walked out of here and never wanted to see us again. Unless, of course, our bold honesty has suddenly made us attractive Huh? Anything?
BethanyI'm leaving.
SarahI'm leaving, too. Not that anyone cares.
RajWhen we tell this story, let's end it differently.
HowardWhat are you thinking? Maybe a big musical number? The living room. SheldonWell, I'm going to make some warm milk and then turn in. I trust if you two are planning on engaging in amorous activities, You'll keep the decibel level to a minimum?
PennyOf course.
SheldonThank you. (Throws a piece of chocolate, and Penny catches it using her mouth)
PennyThese are so good.
LeonardUnbelievable.
PennyWhat?
LeonardI-I was just thinking we should probably turn in, too.
PennyWell, you know, my new bed got delivered. If you come over and put it together, you can stay at my place.
LeonardReally? That's a lot of work, and it's kinda late.
PennyYeah, but if we stay there, we won't have tbe quiet.
LeonardLet's go.
SheldonInteresting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that. Raj's car. HowardOkay, wait. How about this? We say there were four goth girls. The two girls in the club had two friends.
RajI like it, I like it. Did they smell good despite their goth-like nature?
HowardWhat's that got to do with the story?
RajEngaging my olfactory sense helps make it real for me.
HowardFine, they smelled good.
RajOh, they did. Like jasmine and honeysuckle.
HowardWhatever.
RajAnd then they held hands and did a sexy, demonic hokey pokey for us.
HowardNo, no. Look, let me just say my story all the way through and then you can say yours, and then we'll pick.
RajI'm sorry. Go on.
HowardOkay. We got tattoos, And then the four girls took us to their place.
RajBut we do't have tattoos. What if someone asks to see our tattoos?
HowardWe say they're in a very intimate area.
RajOh, we're bad boys, aren't we?
HowardRight, right. So, we go back to their place and then the six of us end up in a hot tub.
RajBut we just got tatts. Wouldn't we be concerned about bacterial infection?
HowardTrue. Okay. Forget the hot tub. The point is, we each had a ménage with sexy goth girls.
RajWow. What a great night.
HowardYeah. Hey, you wanna try a country bar tomorrow night?
RajMaybe we'll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls.
HowardCould happen.
RajI wonder how they smell.