The living room. SheldonThis movie baffles me every time we watch it.
LeonardWhat do you mean?
SheldonThe instructions are very clear: "Don't feed the gremlins after midnight." "Don't get the gremlins wet." How hard is that?
PennyHi,guys. Hi,honey.
HowardOoh,we're "honey" now,are we?
SheldonYes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls "sweetie," usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
PennyYou're boring people, sweetie.
SheldonAlthough, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.
PennySo, what are you guys doing?
HowardCelebrating Columbus Day. We're watching Goonies, Gremlins, and Young Sherlock Holmes. They're all written by Chris Columbus.
PennyOkay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving?
SheldonThe parade.
PennyOh,you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving, but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.
LeonardWhat's he on trial for?
PennyOh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you'd actually like my brother. He's kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.
LeonardI'll be there.
SheldonWill you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?
PennyI guess I could serve both.
SheldonYou guess? You don't seem to have much of a handle on this.
HowardYeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year, my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil.
PennyTur-briska-fil?
HowardTurkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds.
PennyRaj, what about you?
HowardOh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal? (Raj cries and runs away) All right, this year, you don't have to eat the tur-briska-fil. I don't even chew it. I swallow it like pills. Continued from earlier. LeonardSo,what's going on with Raj?
HowardWell, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother's tur-briska-fil.
PennyHard to believe, but go on.
HowardThe bad news is, he says he's getting deported.
LeonardWhat do you mean, he's getting deported?
SheldonI believe it means that the U.S.government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that's willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I'd choose pirate.
HowardPenny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
PennyOh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
SheldonAnother reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.
Howard(To Raj who's in the bathroom) Okay, she's gone.
RajSorry. I lost my cool.
LeonardSo, what's going on?
RajOkay, here's the deal: Six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.
HowardSo?
RajSo, my visa's only good as long as I'm employed at the university. When they find out I've got squat, they're going to cut me off. By the way,when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat.
LeonardSo, wait,what have you been doing for the past six months?
RajYou know, checking e-mail, updating my Facebook status, messing up Wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?
SheldonAnd you've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Well practically mandatory for a pirate.
RajI don't want to go back to India. It's hot and loud, and there's so many people. You have no idea, they're everywhere.
HowardOkay, guys, think. How do we keep Raj in the country?
Penny(From the hall) Why doesn't he just get another job?
(Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardWhat are you asking me for? I don't know if you can talk now or not. The cafeteria. RajOh, beef, I'm gonna miss you so much. Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald's, you can't get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac. And the special sauce, curry, which, in India, believe you me, is really not that special.
LeonardDon't worry, you'll find another job.
RajYeah, let me start practicing for it. "Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?"
SheldonHi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.
RajHello, Sheldon.
SheldonForgive me, as you know, I'm not adept at reading facial cues, but I'm going to take a stab here: You're either sad or nauseated.
RajI'm sad.
SheldonI was going to say sad. I don't know why I hedged.
RajWhat are you eating?
SheldonElbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
RajOh, Beefaroni. I think I'll miss you most of all.
LeonardI've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?
RajWe believe cows are gods.
SheldonNot technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like god.
RajDo not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!
SheldonI'm sorry.
RajMe too. I'm just- I'm a little on edge.
SheldonUnderstandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.
RajThank you.
SheldonYou're wrong about Hinduism and cows.
HowardHey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.
RajYou-You're kidding! That's fantastic!
HowardCome on. What are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.
RajI'm on it. (Dials)
SheldonThat's happy, right?
LeonardYeah.
SheldonNailed it. Professor Laughlin's office. Prof. LaughlinDr. Koothrappali, come on in. I was surprised to hear you were interested in joining our little team. Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?
RajNo, no, it's a very promising area. In a perfect world, I'd spend several more years on it. But, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
Prof. LaughlinSplendid. So, please sit down. Can I offer you a sherry?
RajUh, a little early, isn't it?
Prof. LaughlinNot on Proxima Centauri.
RajThat's very good. Jolly amusing, but if you don't mind, I'll hold off until sunset on Titan.
Prof. LaughlinWell done. I have a feeling you're going to fit in just fine, Dr. Koothrappali.
RajThank you, sir.
[Someone knocks on the door and a woman enters.]
WomanI'm sorry. Am I late?
Prof. LaughlinNo, no, no. Right on time. Koothrappali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT. She'll be heading up our data analysis team.
Dr. MillstoneIt's nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali. (He smiles) I read your paper on Kuiper Belt object size distribution. I really enjoyed it. (He smiles again and downs the glass of sherry) How did you correct for the selection bias?
RajWell, I ran a simulation allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
Dr. MillstoneUh, that's just fascinating.
RajThank you. (Downs another glass) Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub? So, when do I start? The living room. HowardWhat do you mean you didn't get the job? How could you not get it?
RajYou know, he's British, I'm Indian. Ever since Gandhi, they haven't liked us very much.
LeonardWait, are you saying that he discriminated against you? Because we should file a complaint.
RajThat's okay. A complaint's been filed. So, that's it. That was my last hope. I'm gonna be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay. Or, as you may know him, Dave from AT&T Customer Service.
HowardI'm really gonna miss you.
RajWill you come visit me in India?
HowardGee, that's, like, a 17-hour flight. How about I meet you halfway?
RajHalfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
HowardTell you what, we'll Skype.
Sheldon(Enters) Gentlemen.
LeonardHey.
SheldonRaj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?
RajNo.
SheldonI assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears halfway through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd. Usually, he's met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and then it occurred to me that I could benefit-
LeonardExcuse me, Sheldon. How many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?
SheldonI'm sorry, if you didn't cheer at my entrance, it's too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and Raj can come work for me.
RajYou want me to work with you?
SheldonFor me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
RajOkay, uh, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
SheldonFor me. Sheldon's office. Raj knocks on the door and enters. RajSheldon, are you busy?
SheldonOf course I'm busy.
RajShall I wait?
SheldonYes, please. How may I help you?
RajI've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
SheldonFor me.
RajYes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
SheldonI'm impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
RajThank you.
SheldonI reject them all.
RajThen you leave me no choice. I accept the job.
SheldonI'm sorry, I believe you've misunderstood. I'm not giving you the job. I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we'll get started with the interview.
RajWha... you're kidding!
Sheldon(Motions for Raj to sit down) Please.
RajAll right.
SheldonSo, that's what you wear to an interview?
RajCome on, dude, we've been friends for years.
SheldonOh, pulling strings, are we?
RajSheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg.
SheldonBuzzinga! You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I'm your boss now. You may wanna laugh at that. The living room. PennyAh, this is nice having the place to ourselves, isn't it?
LeonardUh-huh. Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don't have to chauffeur him around anymore. Plus, yeah, with them working late so much, we get some privacy.
PennyMm-hmm. Hey, wanna get a little crazy?
LeonardWhat are you thinking?
PennyLet's slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
LeonardYou are a dirty girl.
[Someone knocks on the door.]
PennyOh, God, how did he know?
Howard(Enters) Hello.
LeonardHi, Howard.
HowardAm I interrupting?
LeonardLittle bit, yeah.
HowardGuess I should've called.
PennyYeah, maybe.
HowardTonight's the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the Palomino.
LeonardUh-huh.
HowardBut he's working with Sheldon.
PennyYes, we know.
HowardWant me to leave?
LeonardYou know, whatever.
HowardOkay, I guess I can hang for a little while. So, what are we watching? Sex and the City. Yikes.
PennyHey, I happen to love this movie.
HowardFine, let's watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize. Sheldon's office. SheldonAll right, we're going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
RajOoh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. (Sheldon whips around and stares at him) I was making a joke.
SheldonI'm the boss. I make the jokes.
RajSorry. Go ahead and make your joke.
SheldonThis is not the time for joking. We're doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.
RajAll right, let's buckle down and work. (Sheldon stares at the board; Raj falls alseep with his head on the desk; Shelon lies on the floor; time lapses) Sheldon.
SheldonWhat?
RajI need an aspirin.
SheldonTop desk drawer.
RajThank you.
SheldonAll right?
RajYes.
SheldonGood. The apartment. LeonardThat was fun. Thank you.
SheldonLeonard, honey, you don't have to say thank you every time we have sex.
LeonardOh, okay. Tomorrow you're gonna get a card in the mail. Just throw it away.
HowardTop o' the mornin' to ya!
LeonardWhat are you doing here?
HowardWell, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmer's market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for après l'amour.
PennyOh, kill me.
HowardBy the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
PennySee, if you had killed me when I said "kill me," I wouldn't have had to hear that.
HowardWhat do you guys think? Wanna take in a matinee, maybe go Rollerblading, catch a step class?
PennyDo something.
LeonardOkay. Um, Howard, we need to talk.
HowardSure. 'Sup, Holmes?
LeonardUh, please understand that it's not that we don't want you around, but Penny and I occasionally need some... alone time.
HowardOh. I-I get it, I'm the third wheel. Sorry, I should've seen that. I'll get out of your way. Uh, you're gonna want to eat those eggs while they're still l hot.
LeonardThank you.
HowardThere's lox and cream cheese in the fridge. The bagels are in the oven. I was warming them up.
PennyThat's great.
HowardYeah, I'm just gonna hang out with my mom. That's always fun.
LeonardGood.
PennyAw. Are we terrible people?
LeonardI don't know. What do you want me to do?
PennyGe-get him, bring him back.
LeonardAre you sure?
PennyYeah.
LeonardOkay. Howard, come back.
HowardOh, you guys had me scared for a minute. Sheldon's office. RajNo no no no! That rate is much too low from what we'd expect from this collision. Do you understand we're talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?
SheldonYeah, of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?
RajWell, I'm the astrophysicist. "Astro" means "space."
Sheldon"Astro" means "star."
RajOkay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt.
SheldonEnglish is your native language.
RajOkay, you got me there, but you're wrong about this!
SheldonThere is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.
RajMy God, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.
SheldonCaca?
RajIt means "doo-doo."
SheldonAll right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me-
RajAha! So I am working with you.
SheldonIn this context, "with me" means "for me."
RajYeah, well, in this context...
SheldonIf I'm wrong, prove it.
RajOkay. Here's where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
SheldonNo no no. You've misstated the atomic weight of the target.
RajLet me finish.
SheldonYou're defacing my work.
RajI'm not defacing it, I'm fixing it.
SheldonGive me the eraser.
RajNo.
Sheldonsaid give it to me.
RajCome and get it.
SheldonFine. (Erases Raj's writing with his hand) Oh, Lord. (Snatches some tissues) (Raj goes back to write on the board) Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!
RajYou are not my superior.
SheldonI am in every way.
RajOh, yeah? Can you do this? (Does a weird hand movement) Nice working with you. (Leaves and then comes back) I'm sorry, for you. (Leaves) (Shedon tries the hand movement Raj did and fails) Raj's apartment. SheldonRaj. Raj. Raj.
Raj(Opens the door) I'm busy.
SheldonDoing what? (Rajs does the hand movement again) All right, you've made your point.
RajWhat do you want, Sheldon?
SheldonI looked over the board and it turns out you were right.
RajSo you were wrong.
SheldonI didn't say that.
RajThat's the only logical inference.
SheldonNevertheless, I didn't say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.
RajFor you or with you?
SheldonIn this context, "for me" could mean "with me."
RajAll right, but I have some conditions.
SheldonI reject them all.
RajI'll take the job. See you Monday.
SheldonWait, you have to drive me home.
RajHow did you get here?
SheldonI walked.
RajSo walk home.
SheldonI can't. There's a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.
RajAll right.