The living room. HowardAll right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card, and I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines. Choke on that, sucka.
LeonardOkay, well, then I'll just cut your vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it. I cut 'em.
PennyUm. I have a question.
LeonardWarlord beats troll, troll beats elf, elf beats water sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny.
HowardUnless you have the Carrot of Power.
PennyOkay, I've got another question. When does this get fun?
HowardAre we gonna talk or are we gonna play "Mystic Warriors of Ka-ah"?
LeonardJust uh, play a potion card.
PennyWhich one?
SheldonIt doesn't matter. You can't possibly win.
LeonardSheldon, don't ruin the game.
PennyHow could he ruin the game?
SheldonGiven the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding Necromancer potions, which are only effective against Wraiths and Daywalkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are: four Fire Weapons, a Troll, two Ogres and the Jewel of Osiris.
LeonardSee? Ruined.
PennySheldon, that is incredible.
SheldonFrom your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.
LeonardSheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon"Photographic" is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry.
HowardWell, I guess game's over.
PennyReally? Oh, great. I mean, aw. Okay, I gotta go.
LeonardWhy?
PennyBecause the last time I didn't go, I ended up playing "Mystic Warlords of Ka."
HowardNot "Ka. Ka-ah."
PennyBuh-eye.
LeonardSee ya. Still can't believe she's going out with me.
RajNobody can.
HowardThat reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you.
LeonardWhat?
HowardYou and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.
LeonardYeah, I don't remember that.
SheldonJune 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-Man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red Icees, no blue.
LeonardOh, yeah.
HowardSo, you've been with Penny for like a month and a half now. Where's my shorty, Morty?
LeonardHoward, you can't hold me to that.
HowardWhy not?
LeonardBecause when I made that agreement, I didn't think I'd ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.
RajHey, how come I wasn't part of this deal?
SheldonYou had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.
RajOh, so that's how it works? I have a teeny bladder and now I don't get a hot girlfriend?
HowardYeah, Raj. That's how it works.
RajDamn. The cafeteria. LeonardOh, damn it. Can I have a napkin?
SheldonI'm sorry, no.
LeonardYou have a whole bunch of 'em.
SheldonYes, I've moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergency. If you like, starting tomorrow, I'll add a guest napkin, but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard snatches one) Good luck. That's the face napkin.
HowardSo, have you talked to Penny yet?
LeonardNo, I haven't.
HowardWhy not?
LeonardBecause I've been busy, because I haven't figured out a way to bring it up, and mostly, and I can't stress how key this is, because I don't want to.
HowardLeonard, a pact is a pact. You have to get Penny to fix me up.
LeonardIt's not that simple. What am I supposed to say? "Penny, do you have any friends you'd like to never hear from again?"
HowardCome on, I'm smart, I have a good job and I have only three percent body fat.
RajIt's true. I've seen him at the beach. He's like a human chicken wing.
HowardLeonard, come on.
LeonardFine. I'll ask if she has a friend for you.
HowardA hot friend.
LeonardRight.
HowardAnd tall. I want our kids to be able to ride Space Mountain before they're 20.
LeonardI'll see what I can do.
RajHey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today?
SheldonI'd imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work, you undoubtedly heard, "Hello, Raj. "How are you, Raj?" Given that you're wearing a new sweater vest, you may have heard, "New sweater vest?" And possibly, though far less likely, "Nice sweater vest."
RajWhy don't I just tell you what I heard today.
SheldonThat would probably save us some time.
RajSaturday night at the comic book store, they're having a "Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah" tournament. First prize is $500. If we team up, we'd be unstoppable.
SheldonI'm sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.
RajWhat about the money?
SheldonI have money.
RajThis is other money.
SheldonHow does it differ from the money I have?
RajHalf of it will be mine.
SheldonDo you need it to buy a less disturbing sweater vest?
RajLeonard, help.
LeonardAre you kidding? I couldn't even talk him into giving me one of his freaking napkins. Leonard's bedroom. He and Penny are in bed. PennyWow, you really are a genius.
LeonardNot really. I Googled how to do that. So, listen... have you ever made a pact with someone?
PennyYou mean like a pinky swear?
LeonardOkay, fine, like a pinky swear.
PennyWell, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie. You know, from Sesame Street?
LeonardYeah, I-I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
PennyThen we found out we both wanted Ernie. We didn't speak again till middle school.
LeonardOver puppets?
PennyThe heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.
LeonardOkay. Speaking of what the heart wants, um, a long time ago, I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you.
PennyOkay. I don't know where you're going with this, but tread carefully because it may be the last conversation we ever have.
LeonardNo, no, nothing like that. The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend, we'd have her fix the other one up with one of her friends.
PennyAnd you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
LeonardWell, I sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up before sex. And during, I was trying to remember what I read on Google, so-
PennyI'm not hooking Wolowitz up with one of my friends.
LeonardCome on, it doesn't have to be a good friend. And you know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.
PennyThe problem isn't what's on the inside. It's the creepy candy-coating.
LeonardWill you at least think about it? Just as a favor to me?
PennyOh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave. The comic book store. SheldonGot it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Oh.
StuartHey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine's coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?
SheldonThank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.
StuartAll right, I won't set one aside for you.
SheldonBut I must have it.
StuartOkay, I'll set one aside for you.
SheldonThank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service.
RajHey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the Mystic Warlords Tournament, the Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?
StuartYeah, he lives around here. Big gamer.
SheldonExcuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton, aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation, is going to be participating in your tournament?
StuartOh, I'm sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?
SheldonNo, you don't understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton. Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.
RajOoh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you're playing in the tournament. Sign here.
SheldonYeah, I was such a fan that in 1995, I traveled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
RajOoh, it'll be like a reunion then. Sign here.
SheldonMy arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.
RajOkay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here.
SheldonIt might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.
RajOkay, I get it. He's a bad guy. Sign here.
SheldonIn the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal Wrath of Khan, "He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him."
RajNo doubt, sign here. "From hell's heart, I stab at thee." (Sign there furiously)
StuartAll right, Raj, looks like you're teamed up with "Die, Wil Wheaton, Die." Leonard's car. HowardSo, tell me more about the future mother of my children.
PennyShe's adorable, Howard. I think you'll like her.
HowardGreat. So what did you tell her about me? Did you mention the body fat?
PennyNo, I, I thought that'd be a nice surprise for her.
HowardGood, good.
PennyI just told her you're an aerospace engineer, you speak five lanauages-
HowardSix if you count Klingon.
LeonardGirls don't count Klingon, Howard. (To Penny) Right?
PennyRight. Oh, and I told her you have an unhealthy attachment to your mother.
HowardWhat?
PennyI'm kidding.
LeonardAnother delightful surprise for her. The tournament. SheldonSheldon, it's your play. Sheldon.
SheldonMy Enchanted Troll bludgeons your Screaming Harpy with a Cursed Mace. Game.
RajSorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! (To Sheldon) We pwned them, dude! Up top!
SheldonLook at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend. I've chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares Maelstrom and round Perdition's flames! {He tasks me. He tasks me, and I shall have him. I'll chase him round the Moons of Nibia and round the Antares Maelstrom and round Perdition's flames before I give him up! [No one responds.] Prepare to alter course.}
RajYou know, you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in Next Generation. It's a totally different set of characters.
SheldonSilence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?
RajWell, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat Lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we'll face off for the championship.
SheldonSo, my path to satisfaction is blocked by Lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.
RajDude, you have to stop talking like that. It's really lame.
SheldonSilence! Leonard's car. Now the future mother of Howard's children is there. HowardSo, Penny tells me you're working as a waitress to put yourself through grad school. That's pretty great. What are you studying?
WomanMicrobiology.
HowardOh, cool. So you could study me.
WomanI don't understand.
HowardMicrobiology is the study of tiny living things.
WomanI know, I'm studying it.
HowardAnd I said you could study me 'cause I'm a tiny living thing. It's a joke.
WomanAre you sure?
HowardDo you like science fiction?
WomanNo.
HowardRole-playing games?
WomanLike in the bedroom or like Dungeons and Dragons?
HowardEither.
WomanNo.
LeonardGonna be a long night.
PennyWell, it's your fault.
LeonardI had to ask. You didn't have to say yes.
HowardYou like magic?
WomanNot really.
HowardOkay. (Stuffs a silk scarf back into his sleeve)
LeonardLong, long night. The tournament. SheldonI play my Endless Serpent. Raj will play Ecstatic Frenzy, which means Larry will have to play Chaos Overlord. Then Captain Sweatpants, Molten River. I play Nightshade Dryad. Game, set and match. Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! bot-TASH bir JAB-loo-DI rekh kkhakkh-KOO ny!
WilDid that guy just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?
StuartI believe so.
WilWhat is wrong with him?
StuartEveryone has a different theory. A restaurant. HowardHow about computers? Do you like computers?
WomanI use them. I don't like them.
HowardOkay... Puppies? Where do you stand on puppies?
WomanA puppy once bit my face.
HowardOf course it did.
LeonardHow about that? Einstein was wrong.
PennyWhat?
LeonardApproaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time. Approaching them does.
(Howard's phone rings)
HowardExcuse me. Oh, damn. It's my mother.
WomanAre you going to answer it?
HowardI'm torn. She might be dying, you know, I wouldn't wanna miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
WomanI know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
HowardNot as crazy as my mother makes me.
WomanOh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
HowardMy mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
WomanOkay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're nine years old?
HowardYou live with your mother?
WomanNo. That's the sad part.
HowardRough. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
WomanThat's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
HowardOh. Wow. You didn't, did you?
WomanNot on a bicycle. In a Camry.
HowardCorolla! More wine?
WomanI'd love some.
HowardListen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
WomanWhy?
HowardA Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
WomanOkay, but only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
HowardIt's a date.
PennyAm I a matchmaker or what? (Leonard gives her a thumb-up) The tournament. RajLava Serpent.
StuartNest of Snakes.
WilUnderworld Guardian.
SheldonUnderworld Guardian. We skirmish to the death.
WilInvisibility spell.
SheldonLuminescence spell.
WilWater nymph.
SheldonFire demon.
WilTwo-headed tiger.
SheldonThree-headed lion.
WilSulphur.
SheldonBrimstone.
RajProblem, Wil Wheaton?
WilHang on.
SheldonYou're holding two moderate spell cards, a Small Rock and a Potion of Zancor which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.
WilI think he's got me.
SheldonThe year was 1995. The place: Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the Fourth Annual Dixie-Trek Convention, only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.
WilWhat?
SheldonYou betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now, I have my revenge.
WilYou went to the '95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.
SheldonYour meemaw died? (Wil nods) That's terrible.
WilYeah, it was. But, I'm really sorry that I disappointed you.
SheldonNo, no, I understand. If anything happened to my meemaw, I'd be one inconsolable Moon Pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me "Moon Pie."
WilIt's a special relationship, isn't it, between a boy and his grandmother?
SheldonOh, yes.
RajOkay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off!
WilIt's okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.
RajWhat are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell's heart, stab at him!
SheldonI can't.
RajSure you can. Do it! Do it!
SheldonNo. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his meemaw. Enchanted Bunny.
RajNo! Not Enchanted Bunny!
WilI call my Mee-Maw "Nana." And she's going to be very happy to hear that my Small Rock kills your Enchanted Bunny. Game over, Moon Pie.
SheldonI-I-I don't understand. Your grandmother's alive?
WilOh, you catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let's get our prize money.
StuartThat was fun.
SheldonWheaton! Wheaton! Wheaton!