The staircase. LeonardKites, ho!
HowardKites, ho!
Leonard, Howard, and RajKites, ho!
SheldonExcuse me. You're misusing the word "ho." It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, "Land, ho!" Or, uh, "Westward, ho!"
Leonard, Howard, and RajKites, ho!
PennyHey, guys. Whatcha doing? Going out to discover electricity?
SheldonIf you're referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin, he did not "discover electricity," he merely used a kite to determine that lightning "consists" of electricity. He also invented the Franklin stove, bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter. Kites, ho.
LeonardWe're heading out for some kite fighting.
Penny"Kite ghting"?
LeonardOh, yeah. It's an extremely competitive, cut-throat sport.
SheldonWell, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-present danger.
LeonardYou wanna come watch?
PennyOh, gee, sounds amazing. But, um, I've got some friends coming over. Not a big thing, we're just gonna watch the Nebraska game.
LeonardOh, football, sure.
HowardGood guess.
PennyI would've invited you, but I know you're not a football fan.
LeonardNo,no, I'm not, so... great. You've got plans doing something you like, I've got plans doing something I like, so it's good.
PennyWell, maybe we'll hang out later, you know, after everybody's gone.
LeonardYeah, great.
Penny(Kisses him) See ya.
LeonardWell, this sucks.
SheldonI'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?
RajLeonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny, little man who flies kites.
SheldonOh, that certainly would suck. A park. SheldonWolowitz is trying to outflank us. Let out some string, add altitude and I'll go under and cut his line.
LeonardWhy wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?
SheldonFocus, Leona, focus! The heat of battle is upon us. The dogs of war are unleashed.
LeonardMaybe Koothrappali's right. Maybe I embarrass her.
SheldonYou're embarrassing me right now. A grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.
LeonardSorry.
SheldonSorry won't bring their kites down. Oh! String burn! String burn!
RajOh, they think we're flanking. They're playing right into our hands. On the count of three, we execute the flying scissor. One, two (A girl runs by) three
HowardOh, you see that?
RajSee what?
HowardThat chick, she smiled at me.
RajNo, she didn't.
HowardYes, she did.
RajCome on, scissors, scissors!
HowardHold my line. (Gives Raj his line and runs away)
RajWhat are you doing? I can't scissors by myself! Howard! Come back!
SheldonVictory!
RajSon of a bitch. Leonard's car. RajYou're a sucky friend, you know that? A sucky, sucky friend.
HowardWhat was I supposed to do? She gave me that "come-hither" look.
RajIf she gave you any look at all, it was a "you suck" look.
HowardI would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy.
RajOh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don't have a hammy.
LeonardSo, Penny doesn't want me around her friends. I embarrass her. What else could it be?
SheldonWell, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she's excluded you from these gatherings because she's scouting for a new mate and don't wanna do it in front of you.
LeonardOh, how kind of her.
SheldonAgreed. Most primates don't show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male front of the old one without so much as a "how do you do?"
RajYou always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don't have a shot with.
HowardI totally had a shot.
RajWith a woman you were chasing through a park. That's not a shot, that's a felony. What's worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don't suppose there's any chance you could give me my kite back?
SheldonI'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. I have your kite. I have your kite. Penny's apartment. Leonard knocks on the door and goes in. LeonardHey.
PennyHey.
LeonardHow was your football party?
PennyIt was pretty good. We won.
LeonardOh, wow. That's excellent. It's a weird figure of speech, isn't it "We won" when you weren't actually playing. When we watch Star Wars, we don't say, "We defeated the Empire."
PennyI'm glad to hear it.
LeonardOh, hey, on a related subject, are you embarrassed to have me around your friends?
PennyOh, my God, no. Why would you ask that?
LeonardWell, you know, I just noticed I haven't really met any of them.
PennySure you have.
LeonardWell... Yeah, no, I met the huge ex-boyfriend and the smaller-yet-still-larger-than-me ex-boyfriend. By the way, were they here today?
PennyOf course not.
LeonardOf course not. Why would they be? Why would I ask? Why am I rambling? Why don't you stop me?
PennyLeonard, look, if-if you want to meet my friends, that would be great. I just, you know, I didn't want you to be bored.
LeonardI wouldn't be bored. Why would I be bored?
PennyWell, 'cause they're not genius scientists.
LeonardPenny, I like all sorts of people. In fact, some of my best friends aren't geniuses.
PennyLike who?
LeonardOkay, some of my Facebook friends aren't geniuses. My point is, if-if we're gonna be a couple, I should be friends with your friends.
PennyOkay, great. Well, then why don't you come over next Saturday and watch the game with us.
LeonardAnother football game?
PennyThey have them every week.
LeonardDid not know that.
PennyYou wanted to meet my friends.
LeonardSure. Sure, it just, I don't know much about football.
PennyOh, that's okay, a lot of the guys' girlfries don't know football. They just kinda drink and talk in the kitchen.
LeonardGreat. The living room. Raj and Leoanrd are wathcing a football game. LeonardOkay, a complete pass. First down, New England. I think I'm starting to get this.
RajReally? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often and have trouble getting erections.
LeonardFocus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
RajI'm just saying, maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.
Howard(Enters) Raj, what are you doing here? You were supposed to help me pimp out my Vespa.
RajI'm sorry, are you under the impression that we're still friends?
HowardOh, come on. You're not still grinding on the kite thing, are you?
RajIt's not just the kite thing. Every time we go some place, you think you can just dump me whenever someone prettier comes along, even though you don't have a shot with them.
HowardI had a shot with that jogger.
RajFine. Paint green flames on your little scooter with her. (Leaves)
HowardIt's not a little scooter. It's the second biggest Vespa they make! Are you watching football?
LeonardThere's no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there? (Grabs a book named "Football for Dummies")
HowardAll I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.
LeonardSacks, sacks.
SheldonIt's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is taced behind the line of scrimmage.
LeonardOh. Scrimmage.
SheldonThe line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
LeonardOh.
HowardSheldon knows football?
LeonardApparently.
HowardI mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?
LeonardSheldon, how do you know this stuff?
SheldonI grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas: pro football, college football, high school football, Pee Wee football. In fact, every form of football except the original, European football. Which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
LeonardUnbelievable.
SheldonIf you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
LeonardSo, you could teach me?
SheldonFootball or chicken-fried meats?
LeonardFootball. I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don't wanna look like an idiot. I wanna blend in.
SheldonYou wanna blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
LeonardCome on, Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun.
SheldonThat's exactly what my father said. "Come to the games. watch the games." Week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.
LeonardPlease, I'm asking you as a friend.
SheldonAre you making this a tier one friendship request?
LeonardYes.
SheldonFine.
LeonardI really appreciate this.
SheldonYeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
LeonardI'm sorry?
SheldonOh, that's how my father always begin our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself. (Picks up the book and then throw it away in contempt) The kitchen. Sheldon's meticulously toasting slices of bread, which come out with a Cyclon "printed" on one side. Leonard(Putting on a oversized football jersey) When are you gonna stop making Cyclon toast?
SheldonWhen I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's?
LeonardWhat's wrong with a football jersey?
SheldonNothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.
LeonardIt's the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can't believe they had one for dogs.
SheldonOh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.
LeonardAnyway, wish me luck.
SheldonLeonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?
LeonardWell, I wouldn't put it exactly that way
SheldonHow would you put it?
LeonardYeah, okay, like you said.
SheldonHuh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term "ho."
LeonardGoodbye, Sheldon.
SheldonYeah hold on. I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?
LeonardYeah, no, I'm trying to fit in, not get laughed at. (Leaves)
SheldonWhat's funny about Cylon toast? Raj's apartment. Someone knocks on the door. RajIt's open.
Howard(Fawningly) Hey, pal.
RajWhat do you want?
HowardI brought you a little gift. New kite.
RajThe kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang, an Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty.
HowardYeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang?
RajWow, you just don't get it, do you? Buying me something pretty isn't gonna make our problem just go away. (Throws the kite back)
HowardLook, I admit I haven't always been the best friend I could be.
RajYou've been a sucky friend, a sucky, sucky friend.
HowardStipulated.
RajAnd you do it all the time. Last week in the mall at RadioShack, we were looking for a phone with giant numbers for your mother, and I suddenly realize you're not even there.
HowardI know, I know-
RajAnd where were you?
HowardGetting shot down by the girl at Hot Dog on a Stick. But in my defense, she was gorgeous! And working that squeezer to make the lemonade, going and down and up and down. It was like a free pole dance right in the middle of the food court.
RajYou're impossible.
HowardHey, at least I can talk to wome without being drunk.
RajExcuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You're just a douche.
HowardNo. You know what? Maybe that's what this whole thing's about. You're not mad at me, you're mad at yourself.
RajNo, I'm mad at you. I hate myself, but I'm mad at you.
HowardFine. You're mad at me. I get it. How about we go spend the day together? Just the two of us. We'll go anywhere you want.
RajI don't know.
HowardCome on. Let me take you some place nice.
RajI-I do enjoy the La Brea Tar Pits.
HowardReally, now? With the traffic and the parking? (Raj stares at him) Okay, fine. The Tar Pits. Let's go.
RajOh, why can't I stay mad at you? Penny's living room. LeonardGo! Go! Go! Go-go-go-go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what?
PennySweetie, that's a highlight from the '98 championship game.
LeonardDid not know that.
PennyHow much beer have you had?
LeonardNone, why?
PennyOh. I was just kinda hoping you were drunk. Now we're back live.
LeonardOkay, yeah. I can see the difference.
Man #1Oh, where's the flag? That's intentional grounding.
Man #2Totally.
LeonardThat completely was a forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete to avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time. I can't believe they're not being penalized with the loss of a down and by having to move the line of scrimmage back to the spot of the foul.
PennyHere, have some pizza, sweetie.
LeonardPenny, you know I'm lactose intolerant.
PennyI know. I just need you to stop talking.
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennySheldon, come in.
SheldonThank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.
PennyThere's some in the fridge.
SheldonYou shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
PennyOn Earth, we say "thank you."
SheldonSo Leonard, how goes the mimesis?
Leonard"Mimesis"?
SheldonYou know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.
LeonardWhat the hell are you talking about?
SheldonI'm attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
LeonardOh, I guess so.
SheldonGood. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I'm taking Koothrappali's Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta wing raptor and join me?
LeonardI don't wanna fly kites, Sheldon. We're watching football here.
SheldonI can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances. (Leaves)
LeonardOh, look at that. Oklahoma's coach is throwing down the red flag indicating he's challenging the ruling on the field. I hope he's right, 'cause if he'not, it'll cost him one of his three time-outs.
PennyYou know, Leonard, honey, I wouldn't mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon.
LeonardNo, I'll watch the end of the game. Besides, there's only three minutes left.
PennyUntil halftime.
LeonardThis is just half? We've been here for hours.
PennyAnd you're gonna be here for a couple more.
LeonardOh, you're kidding me.
PennyNo.
LeonardNice meeting all of you. (Leaves)
PennySo, yeah, anyway, that's my boyfriend. He is really smart. A park. RajI really like my saber-toothed cat. Thank you.
HowardMy pleasure. Maybe after lunch, we can go to Marie Callender's and have some pie.
RajI'd like that. This is turning out to be a perfect Saturday.
HowardGood. I'm glad. (A girl walks by) Oh, man. Did you see the way she smiled at me?
RajFine. Go ahead.
HowardNo. This is our day.
RajIf you wanna chase after her, chase after her.
HowardAh, who am I kidding? I wouldn't have a shot with a girl like that.
RajDon't put yourself down. You're a very attractive man.
HowardYou think so?
RajYeah. Absolutely. It wouldn't kill you to take a Pilates class with me now and then, but you have a certain wild appeal.
HowardYeah, well, it doesn't matter 'cause she wasn't really smiling at me.
RajActually, in this case, I think she was.
HowardReally?
RajYeah.
HowardBye.
RajWhat a douche.