The living room. PennyWow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game.
SheldonOh, "Research Lab" is more than a game. It's like the slogan says: "The physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."
LeonardWe must not be playing it right.
PennyAll right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that. My Department of Defense research grant is renewed.
SheldonAh. Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.
SheldonYou're a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two'll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.
LeonardOh, gee, Sheldon, I don't think we can play on Sunday.
SheldonWhy not?
LeonardBecause of the reasons that Penny will now tell you. Penny?
PennyActually, I have to pick up my friend Justin from the airport.
LeonardThere you go. She has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport. And I can't play 'cause I'm going with her, right?
PennyUm, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He's got a lot of stuff, like guitars, amplifiers.
LeonardWait. What are you talking about?
PennyMy friend Justin.
SheldonPay attention, Leonard. That's why she can't play on Sunday.
LeonardWho is this Justin?
SheldonYour turn, Leonard.
PennyI told you about him.
LeonardNo, you didn't.
SheldonRoll the dice, Leonard.
PennyYeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he's coming to L.A., looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.
SheldonCome on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?
LeonardHang on. Some guy is gonna be sleeping on your couch?
PennyHe's not "some guy." He's my friend.
LeonardSo, by "friend," do you mean "friend friend," "gay friend," or "ex-boyfriend" who "you're now platonic with but still might have a thing for you friend"?
PennyWell, he's definitely not gay.
LeonardOh ho-ho, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend's couch. Yippee.
PennyOkay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago. But we were never like "going out."
LeonardOkay, not to be pedantic, but last I checked "went out" was in fact the past tense of "going out", which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for "saw each other naked."
SheldonI'll just roll for you. (Rolls the dice)
PennyDo you have a problem with Justin staying with me?
LeonardWhat was your first clue?
SheldonUh-oh. Industrial accident.
PennyYou know what? Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. (Stands up)
LeonardI'm not talking to you like you're an idiot! I'm saying the whole idea is idiotic!
SheldonYou accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.
PennyHow is that not talking to me like I'm an idiot? It's my friend, it's my couch, and it's my freaking life!
SheldonIt's also your roll.
LeonardYou know what? It is your life. If you wanna have some stupid guitarist stay on your couch, then fine! Why don't you just rent some bunk beds and invite The Black Eyed Peas?!
PennyHey, if I wanna invite the entire lineup of Lollapalooza to sleep in my apartment, I will, and it's none of your business!
LeonardAre you listening to yourself? Do you know how childish you sound right now?
PennyOh, now I'm a child? Well, at least I'm not an idiot anymore!
LeonardThe two aren't mutually exclusive!
PennyOh, you are such a- (Sheldon turns on a blender) What the hell is he doing?!
LeonardHe's drowning us out. He doesn't like fighting.
PennySheldon, just stop! Look, the fight is over! Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!
LeonardI heard of 'em! Didn't know they were a band. Sheldon, she's gone. You can turn off the blender.
SheldonHas your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?
LeonardNo, we just had a little spat.
SheldonLook on the bright side. As the result of Penny's forfeit, you have become the world's first winner of "Research Lab." Would you like a commemorative snow cone? (Hands him one) Leonard's car. LeonardI don't get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is gonna be sleeping on her couch.
SheldonHey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.
LeonardI don't wanna play a game, Sheldon.
SheldonIt's called "Scientists." Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example: Abu Mūsā Jābir ibn Hayyān made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?
LeonardAn old boyfriend who's definitely not gay. That's what a guy likes to hear: "definitely."
SheldonAll right, I'll start with an easy one: Um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.
LeonardAnd then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy!
SheldonHint: Madame Curie had her husband to help her.
LeonardWhat am I supposed to say? "Sure, Penny, I'm cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment." "Well, Leonard, it doesn't matter if you're cool or not because I'm Penny and I'm pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want!" "Oh, I-I get it! You think you're doing me a favor just by being in a relationship with me!" "No, no, Leonard! I'm doing you a favor just by being in the same room as you!"
SheldonLeonard! Stop the car!
SheldonI can't listen to the two of you fight anymore. (Gets off the car) The hallway. SheldonCome on, come on, we're late.
LeonardCalm down. We'll make the movie.
SheldonI believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we'll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.
RajOh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.
SheldonGo, go, Power Rangers, go!
LeonardHey. We're, uh, going to the movies.
SheldonNo, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.
LeonardHang on. They're showing a new digital print of Time Bandits. You wouldn't wanna come, would you?
PennyNot really, no.
SheldonAll right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone's civil, nobody's fighting. Have a nice evening. (Runs away)
Leonard(To Howard and Raj) Just give us a minute.
HowardOh, take all the time you need.
Leonard(To Penny) So, are we gonna talk about last night?
PennyAre you ready to apologize?
PennyWrong answer. But thank you for playing. (Starts to leave)
LeonardOh, come on. This is stupid.
PennyOh, there it is again! You think I'm stupid!
LeonardNo, there's a difference between being stupid and acting stupid!
PennyOh, yeah? well, there's a difference between being a jerk and being an ass!
LeonardNo, there isn't! They're synonyms!
RajWell, that was rather unpleasant.
HowardYeah, I don't think I need my preshow urination anymore.
Sheldon(Runs back) Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago, I told you not to talk to her, now, look, we're gonna be late for the movies. The comic book store. HowardHey, look! Amazing Spider-Man 183.
SheldonGot it.
Howard(To Leonard) Remember this one? Spider-Man loses a big fight and his girlfriend breaks up with him. Want me to get it for you? It'll help take your mind off things.
StuartHey, guys. What's going on?
LeonardOh, we need to kill a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits.
StuartOh, well, no problem. I was thinking of closing early and going home, but, let's face it, that's just a slightly smaller lonely room filled with comic books.
LeonardThanks, Stuart. Let me ask you something. Do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
HowardNo, I mean, she's obviously way out of line.
LeonardThank you!
HowardBut if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one. So the only question is: how long until you fold?
LeonardI am not gonna fold.
RajWell, excuse me, I don't think Penny's out of line at all. You don't own her. It's like my girl Beyoncé says: "If you like it, you shoulda put a ring on it."
HowardCome on. At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it, she should've backed off.
RajYou mean like when a guy's upset because his friend agreed to take a cooking class with him and then doesn't show up 'cause he's doing a juice fast with his mother?
HowardI didn't know you were upset about that.
RajReally! Did you miss all the subtle indicators, like me saying, "Howard, I am upset."
HowardOkay, sorry.
RajMaybe it means something different in this country. Back in India, it means you're upset with a guy named Howard!
HowardI said I'm sorry.
RajSorry doesn't make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice!
HowardYeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say, "Have you ever peed so much in your life?"
RajOh, my God, you are such a mama's boy.
HowardHey, don't bring my mother into this!
RajYou brought your mother into this!
SheldonStop it, both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinking I'd leave you!" "Well, I guess that makes you a liar. 'Cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!" "Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!" "I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" (Storms out of the door)
HowardBoy, what got him so upset?
RajOh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset. Cheesecake Factory. PennyOh, thank you very much. Come back soon. (The patrons leave) With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon. What are you doing here?
SheldonThis is a restaurant. It's lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you'd be familiar with the paradigm.
PennyIs Leonard coming?
SheldonNo, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.
PennyWell, that's not gonna happen.
SheldonI assumed that would be your attitude. Hence my true purpose in coming here.
PennyWhich is?
SheldonI want you to crawl back to him and apologize.
PennyI'm busy. (Leaves)
SheldonExcuse me, miss. I'd like to order lunch.
PennyFine. What do you want?
SheldonI have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?
SheldonWhere exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?
PennyNo no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich.
SheldonYou can't make a half-sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich.
PennyOkay, fine, it's soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want?
SheldonOf course not. I'll have my usual.
SheldonAren't you going to ask me if I want a beverage?
PennyDon't you usually get lemonade?
PennyYou want lemonade?
PennyAnything else?
SheldonYes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.
PennyI am not going to apologize. I've done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting.
SheldonIrrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.
PennyWell, I'm sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn't about you.
SheldonI don't follow.
(A patron waves his hand)
PennyYeah, yeah, I'll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go.
SheldonAll right, let's assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.
PennyLeonard is wrong.
SheldonConsidering the number of transgressions you've committed that he's overlooked, don't you think that, just this once you could return the favor?
Penny(To the patron) I'm coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. (Comes back) What do you mean transgressions I've committed?
SheldonWere you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?
PennyLike what?! (To the patron) Yeah, yeah, I see you. You're making a little check sign in the air. I got it. Just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about?
SheldonYour driving. The plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities. Your constant tardiness, your singing.
PennyMy singing?
SheldonThat's actually from my list. But Leonard'd be a fool if he didn't agree with it.
PennyOkay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn't he just said so?
SheldonBecause, according to him, you're oversensitive and have a temper.
PennyOh, really? Well, then, do me a favor and tell Leonard that he can drop dead!
SheldonAnd she wonders why she's constantly undertipped. The living room. Leonard(Enters) Hey.
SheldonOh, good, you're home. I need you to do me a favor.
SheldonGo apologize to Penny.
SheldonRight now would be good.
Penny(Knocks on the door) Leonard!
SheldonAlthough, a few minutes ago would've been better.
Penny(Enters) I hear you don't like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality.
LeonardWhat? Who would tell you something like that? (To Sheldon) Why would you tell her something like that?
PennyIt doesn't matter why he told me. It's true, isn't it?
LeonardOkay, yeah, it's true, but I can live with that stuff. What I can't live with is you casually informing me that some guy's gonna be staying in your apartment without even asking me first!
PennyThat isn't even your problem! Your problem is you don't trust me!
LeonardOh, come on. Sheldon, have you ever once heard me say that I don't trust Penny? Sheldon? Where did he go?
SheldonOh, your yelling must've freaked him out again. Where are you going?! You just walk away in the middle of an argument?!
PennyNo. I'm gonna go find your damn roommate before he hurts himself trying to cross the street or something!
LeonardWhy didn't you say so?
PennyOh, now I need your permission for that, too?!
LeonardI can't read your mind, Penny!
PennyReally? Why not? You're so smart, and I'm so dumb! Raj's apartment. Sheldon knocks on the door. SheldonRaj? Raj? Raj?
RajStop knocking! It's open! Please tell my parents that our dark matter research is at a critical juncture, and I can't come home for my cousin Sanjay's wedding.
Mrs. KoothrappaliSheldon, ask our son what we're supposed to say to Mr. and Mrs. Cheldry, whose daughter, Lakshmi is flying in from London, for the sole purpose of meeting him.
RajWell I didn't ask you to set me up with Lakshmi.
Mrs. KoothrappaliYou should be thanking us!
Dr. KoothrappaliYes, Lakshmi just got her stomach stapled. You have an opportunity to get in good with her before she loses weight, and her self-esteem goes up.
RajI don't care! And why don't you think I can find a woman for myself?
Mrs. KoothrappaliBecause you're 27, and the closest thing we have to a daughter-in-law is that Jewish boy Howard.
RajOh... that is completely below the belt. Sheldon, tell my parents that Howard and I are just friends. Sheldon? (He's gone) Howard and I are just friends! Fine. I'll come home for Sanjay's wedding. Penny's car. PennySheldon?! (Whistles)
LeonardWhat are you doing? He's not a lost dog.
PennyHey, why don't you just let me find him while you sit there hitting your imaginary brake?
LeonardThe brake might be imaginary, but that stop sign you just ran wasn't.
PennyWhat stop sign?
LeonardEyes on the road. Eyes on the road! Howard's proch. Sheldon rings the doorbell. Mrs. WolowitzHoward, answer the door! I'm busy!
HowardI'm busy, too! You answer it.
Mrs. WolowitzI can't! I'm on the toilet!
HowardFor God's sake, I don't need to hear that! Can't you just say, "I'm busy"?
Mrs. WolowitzI said I'm busy, but that wasn't good enough for you!
HowardYou know what? I hope it's one of those home invasion deals, and they shoot me in the head!
Mrs. WolowitzWell, if it's a home invader, don't tell them I'm on the toilet!
Howard(Opens the door) There's no one there. You're hearing things, you crazy old lady! The combic book store. LeonardHey, Stuart, have you seen Sheldon?
StuartYeah, he's, uh, over in the graphic novel section. Built himself a little nest.
LeonardThank you.
StuartUh, Penny?
StuartIs everything okay?
PennyWhat do you mean?
StuartUh, Sheldon told me you and Leonard were having a fight?
PennyOh, yeah, kinda. It's-It's no big thing.
StuartOh, good, good. I love you.
Leonard(To Sheldon) I'm not leaving until you talk to me.
PennyAll right, what's going on?
LeonardIt's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.
SheldonDon't flatter yourself. I'm just ignoring you.
PennyOkay, come on, Sheldon, let's go home. Look, we're done fighting.
SheldonI've heard that before. But then, the next thing you know, I'm hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf. And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
PennyOkay, there's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet-shooting.
SheldonReally? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?
LeonardYeah. Where's he gonna sleep?
PennyOh, my God, would you let this go?!
StuartI'd let it go.
LeonardWhy should I let it go? Why don't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! (Sheldon turns on a robot) Oh, for God's sakes. (Turns it off and takes it away) So, you have childhood issues. We all have childhood issues. At some point, you just need to grow up and get past them. (Sheldon turns on another robot)
PennyLeonard, please let me handle this, please. Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But no matter what happens between us, we will always love you. Right, Leonard?
LeonardAlways is a long time. Sure. Always.
PennyYou know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home?
SheldonI want that one.
PennyOkay, you can have that one.
LeonardOh, come on, he's just gonna to play with it twice, and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
PennyBuy him the robot, Leonard.
SheldonCan I get this comic book, too?
PennyYes, you can.
StuartWe meet again. Leonard's bed. LeonardSo what did Justin say when you told him he couldn't sleep on your couch?
PennyHe's a musician. He'll sleep in his own vomit, if he has to.
[Cut to the living room. Justin is sleeping on the couch; Sheldon is sitting next to him]
SheldonI should've asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.