Outside an apartment building.
HowardSo, two years later, there's a knock on the door, guy opens it, and there on his porch is the snail, who says, "What the heck was all that about?"
BernadetteI don't really get it.
HowardWell, see, it took two years for the snail to (she kisses him) not important.
BernadetteCan I ask you a question?
BernadetteWhere do you think this is going?
HowardTo be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
BernadetteYou're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
HowardA Jewish stand-up comedian, that'd be new.
BernadetteActually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
HowardNo, I was just- never mind.
BernadetteLook, Howard, this is our third date and we both know what that means.
BernadetteBut, I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
HowardOkay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like chicken or fish on an airplane?
BernadetteMaybe you need to think about it a little.
HowardYou know, it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
BernadetteCall me when you figure it out.
HowardThree dates means sex? Who knew?
HowardGreetings, homies, (To Penny) homette.
PennyWhy are you back from your date so early?
HowardIn romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
PennyWhat exactly does that mean?
LeonardHe struck out.
The university cafeteria.
HowardHey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
RajActually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
LeonardWith Penny and me, it took two years. Now that I think about it, that was three dates.
HowardOkay, well, before you and Penny hooked up, did she ask for any kind of commitment?
LeonardNo, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open.
Sheldon(Arriving) I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What're you talking about?
LeonardThe cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.
SheldonI see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?
LeonardNever mind, what's your announcement?
SheldonGood, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know-
BarryHey, Cooper, I hear you're going to be on the wadio with Ira Flatow from Science Friday next week.
SheldonThank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.
SheldonMy thank you was not sincere.
BarryBut my pleasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Radio have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel for its guests? Eh, don't answer, it's rhetorical. (Leaves)
SheldonWhy are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. (To the guys) Sorry you had to hear that.
LeonardAre you really gonna be on NPR?
SheldonYes, they're interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin ices. It's pledge week and they're trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.
LeonardVery cool, congratulations.
SheldonThank you. My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul.
RajI was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, "Fever 104, aajke naye acchha sangeetka ghar." That means: "Fever 104, home of the really good current music." Much catchier in Hindi.
SheldonAll right. These are the talking points for my NPR interview tomorrow. I need to make sure that they're simple enough for the less educated in the audience to understand. Howard, look this over and tell me what's unclear to you.
HowardExcuse me, I have a master's degree in engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.
SheldonYes. Look this over and tell me what's unclear to you.
LeonardYou know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don't have to do it.
RajIn fact, it's better if you don't, otherwise it makes the rest of us look bad.
PennyYo, Raj, talk to me. I'm sorry, just screwing with you. Hey, Howard, why haven't you called Bernadette?
HowardDid she say something?
PennyYeah, she said she hasn't heard from you in a week. I thought you liked her?
HowardI do, yeah, but she wants a commitment and I'm not sure she's my type.
PennyShe agreed to go out with you for free. What more do you need?
HowardLook, Bernadette is really nice. I just always thought when I finally settle down into a relationship, it would be with someone, you know, different.
HowardWell, you know, more like Megan Fox from Transformers, or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
PennyAre you high?
LeonardYou'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
HowardOkay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like 20 years ago, imagine how saggy those things would be.
PennyHoward, you're gonna throw away a great girl like Bernadette because you're holding out for some ridiculous fantasy?
HowardHey, just because you settled doesn't mean I have to.
LeonardExcuse me, I'm sitting here.
PennyHey, I did not settle for Leonard. I mean, obviously, he isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with, you know, physically.
LeonardAgain, I'm right here.
PennyMy point is, I do not judge a book by its cover. I am interested in the person underneath.
LeonardI am here, right? You see me.
HowardHey, I'm interested in what's inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (Raj whispers something in his ear; to him) Yes, you're delicious caramel, too.
PennyAll right, you know what, I will tell you why it's wrong-
SheldonExcuse me, may I interject?
SheldonBiologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
HowardThank you, Sheldon.
SheldonNow, whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
Kripke is in a storage cupboard of some kind. He has tubes rigged up through the roof attached to helium tanks which he is turning on. The radio is playing.
RadioThis is Ira Flatow and you're listening to NPR's Science Friday. Joining us today by phone from his office in Pasadena, California is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
BarryOh, this is going to be a riot.
[Cut to Sheldon's office, where the end of the tubing can be seen coming through the wall. Hissing can be heard.]
RadioThanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper.
SheldonMy pleasure, Ira.
IraNow, let's talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?
SheldonOf course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (The pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (Pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.
IraUh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.
Sheldon(Even higher pitch) No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole.
[Cuts to university cafeteria where Kripke is holding up the radio for all to listen.]
SheldonA requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. I, myself, led an expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I'm going to kill you!
Howard's bathroom. He is in the bath, drinking champagne.
HowardSo nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.
Katee SackhoffThanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
HowardCome on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
KateeI'm sorry, fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
HowardThank you. So, shall we get started?
KateeSure. But can I ask you a question first?
HowardYeah, You wanna play Cylon and colonist?
KateeNo. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
HowardYou mean, Bernadette?
KateeNo, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
HowardI know, but she's not you.
KateeI'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
KateeThe point is, you've got a wonderful girl in your life, and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in the bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
Ms. WolowitzHoward! What are you doing in there?
HowardI'm taking a bath!
Ms. WolowitzI hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
HowardDon't remind me! (Katee has vanished) Oh, man. All Revved Up With No Place To Go.
LeonardHow ya doing, buddy?
SheldonI was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I'm doing?
LeonardCome on, it wasn't that bad.
SheldonWhat do you want?
Raj(In a munchkin voice) We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.
LeonardOkay, so Kripke played a joke on you.
SheldonIt wasn't funny.
RajI thought it was funny.
SheldonDid you laugh?
LeonardI fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back.
SheldonI refuse to sink to his level.
RajYou can't sink. With all that helium in you, you're lucky you don't float away.
LeonardAre you really admitting defeat?
SheldonI never admit defeat.
SheldonHowever, on an unrelated topic, I am never getting out of this bed again.
LeonardWhat if you could make Kripke look even sillier than he made you look?
RajI don't think that's possible, dude.
LeonardYou're not helping.
RajI didn't come to help, I came to mock.
LeonardSheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.
RajThat's true. He didn't just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham's water supply.
SheldonWell, I suppose I could poison Kripke.
SheldonIt's a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that'd be untraceable in an autopsy.
LeonardOkay, uh, that's the spirit, but, um, let's dial it back to a non-lethal form of vengeance.
SheldonOh! How about we put a whoopee cushion on his office chair? He'll sit down, it'll sound like he's flatulent, even though he's not.
LeonardLet's keep thinking.
Cheesecake Factory. Howard enters.
PennyOh, gee, you're too late. Scarlett Johansson and Wonder Woman were just in here trolling around for neurotic, little weasels.
HowardYeah, I came to talk to Bernadette. She's working today, right?
PennyYes, but I don't think she wants to see you.
PennyCome on, Howard. You hurt her feelings by not calling her all week. Plus, I've kind of been talking some smack about ya.
HowardWait, Bernadette, I need to talk to you.
BernadetteI can't now, I'm working.
HowardThis will only take a second. You asked me to think about where our relationship was going, and I did. Bernadette? Will you marry me?
BernadetteIs this more comedy that I don't understand?
HowardNo. I'm serious. I'm never gonna find another girl like you who likes me and is, you know, real.
BernadetteSo, this isn't a joke?
BernadetteThen you're insane.
HowardI prefer to think of myself as quirky.
BernadetteHoward, we've only been on three dates. We haven't even had sex yet.
HowardFair enough. When's your break?
BernadetteWow. (Walks away)
HowardDon't you just hate when this happens?
The apartment kitchen.
SheldonAll right, how's this for revenge? A solution of hydrogen peroxide, and one of saturated potassium iodide.
SheldonMountain Dew. (Drinks it) Ah, refreshing. Now, we're going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen. (Does so)
LeonardThis is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we gonna deploy it in Kripke's office?
SheldonAlready taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
RajOh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
SheldonYou flatter me, sir.
LeonardLet me guess, motion sensors?
SheldonYes. The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.
LeonardI gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. (Sits down. There is a flatulent noise)
SheldonIt may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
RajHere comes Kripke!
LeonardWho is that with him?
RajI believe that's the president of the university.
LeonardAnd the board of directors. Abort! Abort!
SheldonThere is no abort.
RajWell, how could you not put in an abort?
SheldonI made a boo boo, all right?
BarryI think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Seibert. Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma- (foam falls from the ceiling soaking everyone)
RajWow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day.
LeonardAt least they don't know it was you.
Sheldon(On Kripke's computer in the lab) Hello, Kripke. This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper. If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube. Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
RajWell, I'm going back to India. What's your plan?
PennyHey, here's your tip from table seven.
Howard(On the stage, into a microphone) Testing. Check. Check two.
BernadetteOh, now what?
PennyYou want me to throw him out?
BernadetteNo, that's okay.
PennyAre you sure? He's small. I bet I can get a nice, tight spiral on him.
HowardI want to dedicate this number to a great gal who I've done wrong. (To the tune of the Four Tops song Bernadette) Bernadette, I am so sorry for trying to propose to you, Bernadette, you found it creepy but that's just the kind of thing I do. I know now it was too soon to talk of love. It was just a crazy idea that came to me in my tub. But, Bernadette, give me one more chance, sweet Bernadette, I'll get the hang of this thing they call romance, sweet Bernadette, I dream to once again kiss your lips, sweet Bernadette. Sincerely yours, Howard Wolowitz, Bernadette...
PennyOh, I am so sorry.
BernadetteAre you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
HowardBernadette! Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!