PennyHey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)
SheldonLeonard, she's doing it again.
LeonardI think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
SheldonNo. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. (To Raj) This is essentially why you have famine in India.
PennyYou want me to put it back?
LeonardIt upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.
Howard(Enters with Bernadette) What's up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.
HowardLeonard, Penny, you know my girlfriend Bernadette.
HowardBernadette, say fo'shizzle to my nerdizzles.
BernadetteI don't think I can. I don't have Howard's street cred.
HowardI hope it's all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.
LeonardSure. The more, the merrier.
SheldonWait, no, that's a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2, 000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we'd be suffocating.
SheldonDon't Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.
PennyOh, come on, it's fine. We'll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.
SheldonOh, sure. And while we're at it, why don't we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?
LeonardRelax, it'll be fine, sit down, you guys.
(Bernadette goes to sit down in the spot)
PennyOh, yeah, you can't sit there.
LeonardThat's where Sheldon sits.
BernadetteHe can't sit somewhere else?
PennyOh no, no, you see, in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
SheldonPerhaps there's hope for you after all.
A few moments later.
BernadetteOoh, I love your shoes.
PennyOh, thanks. They are cute, aren't they?
BernadetteWhere'd you get 'em?
PennyShoes for Less.
BernadetteI've been meaning to go over there.
PennyOh, great selection, great prices.
SheldonMy mother was right. Hell is real.
HowardCome on, Sheldon. let the womenfolk chat.
HowardGals? Chicks? Utero-Americans?
PennyJust eat your dinner.
BernadetteDon't take him too seriously, a lot of what he says is intended as humor.
PennyYeah, well, I don't think it's very funny.
BernadetteMe neither, but he just lights up when I laugh.
PennyHoward, never let her go.
BernadetteSo, Leonard, Howard says you're working on fundamental tests of quantum mechanics.
LeonardI am. Are you interested in physics?
BernadetteI find it fascinating. If I hadn't gone into microbiology, I probably would've gone into physics. Or ice dancing.
LeonardActually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we're testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.
SheldonYes. Leonard's work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the "oh, snap", I'm uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.
BernadetteAre you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions?
LeonardYes, I am. You wanna see a simulation on my laptop?
BernadetteOh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.
SheldonYour shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
SheldonBazinga. I don't care.
The apartment. Sheldon and Raj are playing a racing game on the Wii.
RajHa! Eat my dust, racially stereotypical plumber.
SheldonThat's not fair. I got stuck behind a tree.
RajAnd a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it's a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can't drive.
SheldonJust need a little more practice.
RajWhat you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.
Penny(Knocking and entering) Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second?
SheldonIt's not about shoes, is it? I don't think I could go through that again.
PennyIt's not about shoes.
PennyUm, actually, can we do it in private?
SheldonAll right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it's rude, but she asked for privacy. (Raj goes away)
PennyThanks, Raj. Okay, so here's the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics?
SheldonA little physics? There's no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.
PennyYeah, okay, cool. I don't need the PBS special, I just wanna know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does.
SheldonWhy can't Leonard teach you?
Penny'Cause I wanna surprise him.
SheldonCan't you surprise him in some other way? For example, I'm sure he'd be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.
PennyCome on, Sheldon, this is important to me.
SheldonPenny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.
PennyYou're sitting here playing video games all day.
SheldonOkay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?
PennySure. I did the one with the frogs.
SheldonThe one with the frogs.
PennyYeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.
SheldonI'm sorry, Penny, I don't think so.
PennyOh, come on! A smart guy like you, it'll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment.
SheldonInteresting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.
PennyGreat! It's a little insulting, but great. I'll be KoKo.
SheldonNot likely. KoKo learned to understand over 2, 000 words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.
The university cafeteria.
HowardHey, fellas. This is my girlfriend Bernadette. My girlfriend Bernadette.
BernadetteWho are all those people?
HowardHave no idea. Hey, Leonard.
LeonardHey, look, it's Howard and his girlfriend Bernadette.
HowardThought I'd give the little woman a tour of the old salt mines.
BernadetteHe doesn't mean salt mines. He means where he works.
LeonardYeah, no, I got it.
BernadetteSo, how's your experiment going?
LeonardAh, terrific. We're getting the electron accelerator set up. We should be ready to go day after tomorrow.
BernadetteBoy, I'd love to see that.
LeonardYou're welcome to come.
BernadetteReally? Oh, that'd be great. How exciting is that?
HowardLike Hanukkah in July.
BernadetteDo they have that?
BernadetteOh. You got me again. This isn't non-fat yogurt, this is fatty fat fat. Excuse me.
HowardCould you grab me another napkin, sweetie?
HowardThanks, honey. (She goes) All right, what is your deal?
HowardInviting my girlfriend to come see your electron accelerator?
HowardWow! You really are a piece of work. It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee, too?
LeonardWhat are you talking about?
HowardDon't play innocent with me. I-I practically invented using fancy lab equipment to seduce women.
LeonardHas it ever worked?
HowardNot so far, but that's not the point!
LeonardHoward, relax, I'm not interested in your girlfriend.
HowardI hope not, because you don't wanna mess with me. I'm crazy.
LeonardI believe you.
SheldonResearch journal, entry one. I'm about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career, teaching Penny physics. I'm calling it Project Gorilla.
Penny(Opens the door) Hey, Sheldon.
SheldonCome in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I've extended a friendly casual greeting.
PennyReady to get started?
SheldonOne moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where's your notebook?
PennyUm, I don't have one.
SheldonHow are you going to take notes without a notebook?
PennyI have to take notes?
SheldonHow else are you gonna study for the tests?
PennyThere's gonna be a test?
SheldonTests. Here. (Gives her a notebook) It's college ruled. I hope that's not too intimidating.
SheldonYou're welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It's at this point that you'll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.
SheldonHush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, (Motions her to take notes) and you look up at the night sky. There, you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. (Penny raises her hand) Yes, Penny?
PennyUm, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?
SheldonThis, is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
PennyTwenty six hundred years?
SheldonYeah, give or take. As I was saying, it's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece- Yes, Penny?
PennyI have to go to the bathroom.
SheldonCan't you hold it?
PennyNot for twenty six hundred years. (Runs to the bathroom)
SheldonProject Gorilla, entry two. I am exhausted.
Howard's bedroom. They're making out. He's unhooking her bra.
BernadetteIt unhooks in the front.
HowardOh, that explains a lot.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, I'm home!
Mrs. WolowitzSenior fitness was cancelled. It turns out you can forget how to ride a bike. I'm fine, but, oy, did Sam Harpootian eat gravel.
HowardThat's great, Ma!
Mrs. WolowitzWhat's great about an 80-year-old Armenian man with half his chin scraped off?
BernadetteI guess I should go.
HowardNo, no, don't move. Hey, Ma, can I have lamb stew for dinner?
Mrs. WolowitzLamb stew? I'd have to go to the supermarket.
HowardPlease? I got a real hankering.
Mrs. WolowitzOh, I can't say no to my little tushy face. I'll be back soon.
Mrs. WolowitzDo you want the regular peas or the Le Seur?
HowardAlways Le Seur peas with lamb stew!
Mrs. WolowitzYou're right! When you're right, you're right! What if they're out of the Le Seur?
HowardThen get the regular!
Mrs. WolowitzAll right! You don't have to yell! (Leaves)
HowardSorry about that.
Bernadette(Her phone chimes) Let me just put that on vibrate.
HowardI'm already on vibrate.
BernadetteYou know, that one I got. Howard, did you say something to Leonard about me?
HowardUh, what do you mean?
BernadetteHe says if I go see his experiment tomorrow it might weird you out.
HowardReally? He said that?
BernadetteYou're not jealous of Leonard, are you?
HowardMe? No. I may have mentioned that it's a little inappropriate to be asking another man's girlfriend to his experiment without first discussing it with said man.
BernadetteAre you saying I need to ask your permission to hang out with Leonard?
HowardI didn't say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don't wanna eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, this close on the bra.
SheldonNow, remember, Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let's plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as a, and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So, we can see that ma equals mg and what do we know from this?
PennyUh, we know that... Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?
SheldonNo, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don't write that down!
SheldonNow, if ma equals mg, what does that imply?
PennyI don't know.
SheldonHow can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?
PennyHey! You don't have to be so mean!
SheldonI'm sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?
PennyNo, you just suck at teaching.
SheldonReally? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?
PennyOh, God, Sheldon, look I'm trying to understand, but you're going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?
SheldonAll right. It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece-
PennyNot that far back!
SheldonOkay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?
PennyI don't know. Where were we looking up at the night sky?
SheldonThere's no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which...? ma equals mg?
PennyThen I don't know.
SheldonWhy are you crying?
PennyBecause I'm stupid!
SheldonThat's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.
PennyOkay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
SheldonAll right. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.
PennyReally? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
SheldonIt's not. That's why Leonard does it.
PennyOkay, I just have one question. What exactly are subatomic particles?
SheldonA good question.
SheldonAnd to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?
SheldonIt's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece...
HowardOkay, I got a bone to pick with you.
LeonardWhat did I do now?
HowardI was in bed with Bernadette, and you text-blocked me.
HowardWe were completely naked, about to devour each other when, you text her that I have a problem with her hanging out with you.
LeonardYou do have a problem with her hanging out with me.
HowardYeah, but that's not what you tell her.
LeonardWhat was I supposed to tell her?
HowardI don't know, something that doesn't make me come off as a petty, jealous douche.
LeonardAnd what would that be?
HowardCome on, do I have to think of everything?
Bernadette(Enters) Hey, Leonard. Am I too late to see the experiment? (To Howard) Oh, hi.
BernadetteWhat are you doing here?
HowardSame thing you're doing here. I came to see Leonard's experiment.
BernadetteNo, you didn't. You said Leonard's experiment was stupid.
LeonardYou told her my experiment was stupid?
HowardI was just repeating what Sheldon said. Let's not get off topic, Bernadette, I need to apologize. You know, I was wrong to tell you who you should be friends with.
LeonardShould I, um, leave you two alone?
BernadetteNo, Leonard, you should hear this.
LeonardOkay, good, 'cause I wasn't really gonna go.
HowardLook, I know I come off as confident and worldly, but the truth is I'm not.
HowardWhich is why I tend to feel threatened by other guys.
LeonardOr loud noises, clowns and nuns.
HowardBut I now realize how foolish that is.
LeonardHe had a panic attack once when he got his head stuck in a sweater.
HowardIt was a full turtleneck. Why aren't you helping me?
LeonardI don't know. Maybe because I'm crazy?
HowardBernadette, please, I'm asking you to give me another chance.
BernadetteWhat do you think, Leonard? Should I give him another chance?
LeonardIt's up to you. He didn't call your experiment stupid.
BernadetteCome here, tushy face.
LeonardTushy face, that is going on Twitter right now.
BernadetteRaj, you should've seen Leonard's experiment. The interference pattern was so cool when the electron beam was on.
LeonardI'm glad you enjoyed it. Most people aren't that interested in what I do.
PennyActually, that's not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I've been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands. Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect. That's it. That's all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.