The apartment. LeonardLook at us. Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.
HowardYes, actual women are the best.
SheldonI don't understand. What other kind of women are there?
LeonardHoward, artificial women are your department. You wanna take this?
HowardNo, it would just freak him out. Listen, before we leave, I should warn you, I'm a passionate man and I tend towards public displays of affection.
LeonardWhat are you trying to tell me, Howard?
HowardThere might be some making out in the car or the restaurant, and I don't want Bernadette to feel uncomfortable, so it would help if you and Penny made out, too.
LeonardDon't worry. We're planning to have sex right on the salad bar.
Raj(Arriving) Namaste, white people. Good news! I rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
LeonardGot it.
HowardSeen it.
SheldonDetailed analysis posted online.
RajWell, then what are we gonna do tonight?
LeonardUh, sorry, Raj. Howard and I are going out to dinner with Penny and Bernadette.
HowardYeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled. (Neighs)
LeonardHow did we get actual women?
RajGreat. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us?
SheldonIt is great, isn't it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.
RajWe do?
SheldonOh, yes. I just discovered I don't have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so, you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
RajI don't wanna do that.
SheldonAll right. Well, I'm going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
RajWhat about me?
SheldonWell, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that. A little later. RajDude, there's so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it's a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy's. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot.
SheldonI'm sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that's linked to race riots in the 1940s.
RajRace riots?
SheldonThe zoot suit riots.
RajOh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don't we just go to the galleria and walk around?
SheldonI don't need anything at the galleria. Do you need anything at the galleria?
RajNo. We would just walk around and see what's what.
SheldonThat's a semantically null sentence.
RajOkay, well, how about this? From the university website, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.
SheldonThat's certainly amusing, but, I have no interest.
RajCome on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let's go outside. Outside is good.
SheldonIf outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?
RajI don't know, it's a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I'm a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.
SheldonLet me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.
RajOh, boy.
SheldonOne of my favorite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott's mathematical fantasy, Flatland.
RajI don't wanna go to Flatland.
SheldonYou're only saying that because you haven't been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.
RajOy.
SheldonIs that you, Raj? I don't recognize your edge.
RajSheldon, I'm begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don't want to go alone.
SheldonWell, you're in luck, there's a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there's a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.
RajWhat?
SheldonTell her you're a circle, Flatland gals are all hot for circles. Leonard's car. LeonardI hope you're hungry, Bernadette, we're going to a terrific restaurant.
BernadetteOh, yeah, I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab, watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
HowardFlesh-eating bacteria. And yet, I still wanna kiss this woman, what does that tell you?
PennyThat you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base?
BernadetteOh, we're way past second base. Right, Howard?
HowardWell, we kinda disagree about what the bases are.
BernadetteHow's your work going, Penny? Any acting jobs?
PennyWell, the last big thing I did was this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. But I think things might be turning around pretty soon.
LeonardGreat. How come?
PennyWell, promise you won't make fun of me.
LeonardOf course, I would never make fun of you.
PennyOkay. Well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair, I'm gonna get a national commercial.
LeonardSeriously? You're getting career advice from a psychic?
HowardGood job not making fun of her.
PennyShe's not one of those phonies, okay. She wrote a book and has her own website.
LeonardOh, gee, why didn't you say so? They don't let just anyone have a website.
PennyWhy are you being such a jerk?
LeonardYou're surprised? Your psychic didn't tell you I was going to be a jerk?
PennyHa-ha-ha, bite me.
LeonardCome on, Penny.
HowardWhy don't you kids go ahead and chat? We're gonna make out back here.
BernadetteI'm sliding into third.
The university mixer. RajThanks for coming with me.
SheldonThanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
RajDid you really have to bring it in with you?
SheldonWhat if evil strikes and my power ring runs low? (Turns it on)
RajCome on, let's get a drink.
SheldonI don't drink.
RajYeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. (To the bartender) I'll have a screwdriver, please. Don't be chintzy with the screw.
SheldonI would like a root beer float.
RajSheldon, they don't have ice cream.
SheldonThey don't? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.
RajHe'll have a Shirley Temple.
SheldonAnd don't be chintzy with the Shirley.
RajOkay, let's check out the females.
SheldonAll right. There's a female.
RajThat's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old.
SheldonBut she's female. Isn't that the game?
RajNo. I'm looking for a hook-up.
SheldonOh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?
RajNot so loud, but ideally, yes. (To the bartender) Thanks.
SheldonThank you. And what is my function as wingman?
RajYou help me run my game.
SheldonOkay. What is your game?
SheldonWhen I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
GirlHey, that's pretty cool. What is it?
SheldonIt's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
GirlYou're very funny. I'm Abby.
SheldonI'm Sheldon. How do you do?
RajHow do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
AbbyHi, Raj. Where are you from?
RajThe mysterious subcontinent of India.
AbbyOoh, India.
RajYou know India?
AbbyI saw Slumdog Millionaire.
RajWell, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
SheldonI thought your father was a gynaecologist. I'm sorry. (Smiles and nods)
AbbyMartha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha.
MarthaHi.
RajHello.
SheldonHello.
MarthaIs that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
SheldonIn brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.
MarthaOh, that is so awesome.
SheldonThank you. (To Raj) Have you chosen one to copulate with? (Gives the two girls a happy smile) A restaurant. BernadetteSo, what should we talk about?
HowardWell, we could always learn more about why people who believe in psychics are idiots. Leonard?
PennyOh, we don't need to talk about that anymore. Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.
LeonardI'm sorry, but facts are facts.
PennyRight, and if you can't understand it, it's not a fact.
LeonardNo, if it's not a fact, it's not a fact.
PennyOh, got it. Thank you for educating me.
LeonardYou're welcome. How's your fish?
PennyAmazing. Would you like to try some?
LeonardYeah, sure.
PennyWell, the fact is, you can't.
LeonardCome on, Howard, Bernadette, you're both scientists. Help me out here.
HowardWhat do you think? Wanna jump right into the middle of another couple's argument?
BernadetteNo, thank you.
HowardSorry.
LeonardMaybe we should just stop talking about this.
PennyMaybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
WaiterHow is everything tonight?
BernadetteReally uncomfortable. The stairwell. LeonardYou know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with- (she shuts the door in his face) Want your fish? (She opens the door, takes the fish, and closes it again) I knew you were gonna do that. Doesn't make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse. (Opens his own apartment door to find Sheldon, Raj and the two girls playing Rock Band and performing American Woman)
LeonardWhat's going on?
SheldonWe scored. I'm the wingman. Leonard's lab. HowardHey.
Leonard(Handing him protective glasses) Laser.
HowardHad a great night last night. I don't like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
LeonardWhat the hell is eighth base?
HowardSeventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt. How'd things go with Penny?
LeonardOh, couldn't be better. (Turns on laser to burn a Cylon)
HowardAre we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
LeonardIt's not just Cylons. Superman's next.
HowardAll right, I was gonna try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don't have a high-powered weapon.
LeonardHow can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
HowardHey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
LeonardAnd that didn't bother you?
HowardAu contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
LeonardWhat am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
HowardHey, I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
LeonardDo me a favor, lean over, put your head right here.
HowardLet me show you another way to look at this. Here, we have the universe of all women. {A Venn diagram or set diagram is a diagram that shows all possible logical relations between a finite collection of sets.} Okay, these, are the ones you wanna sleep with. These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. And right there, in the little triple intersection, is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
LeonardWhat's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
HowardI respect that. (Takes Leonard's hand, draws a dot on it.)
LeonardWhat is that?
HowardYour new girlfriend. Have fun tonight. The apartment. Sheldon is learning Finnish. SheldonThe dog... koira. The roof... katto. Grapes... ryp leet. (There is a knock on the door) One minute. Sis n.
RajWhat was that?
SheldonIt means come in. It's taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I'd learn Finnish.
Raj(Something in Hindi) That's Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha wanna hang out with us again. What do you say?
SheldonI don't say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you've gone insane.
RajI don't get it. You had a great time.
SheldonYes, exactly, I had a great time. That's done, I've moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I'm not going to learn Finnish again.
RajPlease, Sheldon, I'm a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she'll only come over if she can bring Martha.
SheldonRaj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or... vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.
Raj(Takes something out of the bag that he brings) My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
SheldonOh, my. (Puts them on) I've admired these for years.
RajSo does that mean we can go with the girls again?
SheldonHulk agree to second date with puny humans!
RajYou can't wear the hands on the date.
SheldonHulk sad. The laundry room. LeonardHey. Cleaning out the old dryer lint, huh? Not only is it courteous, it's safety smart. Every year, 15, 000 fires are caused by accidental dryer lint ignition. Now you're supposed to say, wow, what an interesting fact. Come here, you crazy, nerdy guy. I could never be mad at you.
PennyWow, that's all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
LeonardNo, I'm sorry. I really am. It's not right to mock what a person believes in.
PennyThank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it's all about?
LeonardWould you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
PennyI would not.
Leonard(Throws the book in a trash can) Okay, let's go see your psychic.
PennyReally?
LeonardWell, yeah, one of us has to keep an open mind.
PennySaying I don't have an open mind?
LeonardNo, not at all. Let me help you with this stuff.
PennyYou know, I believe in ghosts, too.
LeonardGreat.
PennyAnd astrology.
LeonardI know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
PennyOh, no, no, no, crystals don't work.
LeonardReally, that's the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
PennyOh, voodoo's real. You don't wanna mess with voodoo. The apartment. MarthaFlatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.
SheldonYou know, I had never considered that. Wow, that's going to completely change my visits there. (The other two are making out) Well, it's late.
MarthaUh-huh.
SheldonTime for bed.
MarthaOkay.
SheldonGood night, puny human! (He gets up and leaves). Outside Sheldon's bedroom. MarthaSheldon?
Sheldon(Carrying the lantern) Yes?
MarthaListen, they're kinda getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
SheldonWell, I suppose. Come in. I'll sleep in Leonard's room. Good night.