The apartment. Sheldon is standing in the middle of the room. Every few moments he turns round suddenly to look at his board. PennyWhacha doing?
SheldonI'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
PennyInteresting. I usually just have coffee. You've been up all night?
SheldonIs it morning?
PennyYes.
SheldonThen I've been up all night.
PennyAnd you're stuck?
SheldonWhy else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus?
PennyOh, sorry, sweetie, I can't help you till I've had my coffee.
LeonardPenny, I told you if you don't put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment.
PennyWhat is he doing now?
LeonardMmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
SheldonCaptain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
LeonardAye, aye, Captain.
SheldonI can't see it! It just won't coalesce.
LeonardMaybe you need a fresh start.
SheldonYou're right. (Takes whiteboard to window and throws it out. Picks up a new one) It's a great idea, Leonard. Thank you. The cafeteria. SheldonElectrons move through graphene, act as if they have no mass-
HowardHow long has he been stuck?
LeonardIntellectually about 30 hours. Emotionally about 29 years.
SheldonUnit cell contains two carbon atoms. Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.
HowardHave you tried rebooting him?
LeonardNo, I think it's a firmware problem.
Raj(Arriving) Hey, it's Disco Night at the Moonlight Roller Rink in Glendale tonight. Who's up for getting down?
HowardOh, that's perfect. Bernadette's been hocking me to take her roller skating.
LeonardI think Penny likes to skate. The four of us could double.
HowardWhat could be better? We're in.
RajGreat. It's not like I brought it up because I wanted to go.
HowardYou can come with us.
RajNo, it's okay. I don't have to go. I'm happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I'm a walking brown Yelp.com.
SheldonStructure, constant structure. One atom-
HowardBoy, he's really gone, isn't he?
LeonardYeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.
HowardI thought I smelled popcorn.
SheldonPattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it's always hexagonal-
LeonardI haven't seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.
Raj(As Sheldon reaches out and grabs from his plate) Hey, those are my lima beans!
SheldonNot lima beans, carbon atoms.
RajBut if I don't eat my lima beans, I can't have my cookie.
LeonardHere, you want my peas?
SheldonPeas! Perfect, they can be electrons.
HowardWant my corn?
SheldonDon't be ridiculous. What would I do with corn?
LeonardSo, roller skating, should we all grab a bite to eat first?
HowardGood. P.F. Chang's? My mom has coupons.
LeonardGreat. Your mom's not coming, right?
HowardNot this time, I promise.
RajOkay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I'm very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.
SheldonThe plural of coccyx is coccyges.
RajScrew you. Give me back my lima beans. The stairwell. BernadetteOh, my God, have you ever been so embarrassed?
PennyNot recently.
BernadetteI don't know which was lamer, their roller-skating or their disco dancing.
PennyFor me, the worst part was when people saw us leave with them.
LeonardYou had some nice moves out there, Howard.
HowardThanks. You too.
LeonardYeah. Did you notice all the people looking at us?
HowardNot really. I was in my boogie zone.
BernadetteWhen Howard tried to do the splits-
PennyShh.
LeonardSorry. I'm moving a little slow. I think I bruised my coccyx.
PennyOh, poor baby.
LeonardDon't tell Koothrappali. After you.
PennyOh, what a gentleman. (Enters) Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)
LeonardOh, my God! Are you- (Falls as well)
SheldonGood Lord! You're ruining everything!
PennyOh, damn.
LeonardAre you okay?
PennyDo I look okay?
LeonardDon't bark at me. I fell, too.
PennyOh, you've been falling all night. You're used to it.
HowardSheldon, what the hell are you doing?
SheldonThe same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.
BernadetteWith marbles?
SheldonWell, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn't I?
BernadetteSheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
SheldonI don't know, two, three days. Not important. I don't need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squat the toad of truth.
PennyToad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
LeonardNo, that's a crazy thing.
BernadetteOkay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
SheldonThey lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.
BernadetteWhich leads to-?
SheldonImpaired cognitive function.
BernadetteRight, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed.
SheldonBut I don't wanna go to bed.
BernadetteI'm gonna count to three. One-
SheldonOh, all right.
LeonardThat was amazing how you handled him.
BernadetteI know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal day care centre in our basement. Leonard's bedroom. PennyLeonard, you're, you're giggling in your sleep.
LeonardIt's not me, it's my new ringtone. The Joker from Batman.
PennyIt creeps me out.
LeonardMe, too, but I paid three bucks for it.
PennyJust answer the phone.
LeonardHello. Yeah, I'm Leonard Hofstadter. Yeah, he's my roommate. Oh, God, is he okay? Yeah, al-alright, I'll be right there.
PennyWhat happened?
LeonardSheldon's escaped and is terrorizing the village.
PennyOkay. Have fun. A children's play area. LeonardHi. I'm Dr. Hofstadter. Where is he?
Security GuardBall pit.
LeonardThanks for not calling the cops.
Security GuardOh, hey, it's no big deal. My sister's got a kid who's special.
LeonardYeah, well, he's extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing?
SheldonSize ratio was all wrong. Couldn't visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.
LeonardSure, sure. How did you get into this place?
SheldonBack door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child's play. You, can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
LeonardNo, I don't think so. We need to go home now.
SheldonBut I'm still working.
LeonardIf you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
SheldonYou can try, but you'll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls)
LeonardFor God's sakes. Sheldon, come here!
Sheldon(Popping his head up) Bazinga. (Disappears, pops up in another place) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon is standing over their bed. He knocks on the wall. SheldonLeonard and Penny. Leonard and Penny. Leonard(Waking up as Penny screams)What! What, what, what?
SheldonLeonard and Penny.
LeonardWhat?
SheldonI have good news.
LeonardAnd you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night?
SheldonYour cell phone was off.
LeonardBecause we didn't wanna be disturbed.
SheldonAnd that didn't work out, did it?
PennySheldon, what do you want?
SheldonI came to tell you, I've got the answer.
LeonardReally? You figured out the graphene problem?
SheldonNo, no, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out.
PennyHey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We're gonna have to break up.
LeonardWhat are you talking about?
Penny(As Sheldon sits on the bed)Oh.
SheldonEinstein.
LeonardYeah, I'm gonna need a little more.
SheldonAlbert Einstein.
LeonardKeep going.
SheldonWhen Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.
LeonardSo, you're gonna go work at the patent office?
SheldonDon't be absurd. That's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I'm going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.
LeonardSounds like a great plan.
SheldonOf course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.
LeonardOkay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night.
SheldonYou're welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
PennyLeonard doesn't snore.
SheldonI wasn't talking to Leonard.
LeonardTold you. An employment office. AssistantSo, Mr. Cooper, you're looking for a job.
SheldonA menial job. Like yours.
AssistantWhy, thank you for noticing. I'm Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind?
SheldonI do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives laboring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?
AssistantNo.
SheldonShouldn't you check your database?
Assistant(Clicks her keyboard a few times) No.
SheldonYou didn't really type.
AssistantI didn't really have to. So, how about construction?
SheldonOh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.
AssistantNo, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.
SheldonI could do that.
AssistantGood.
SheldonOne question.
AssistantYes?
SheldonWhat's sheetrock?
AssistantMoving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist?
SheldonThat seems acceptable.
AssistantDo you have your own car?
SheldonI don't drive.
AssistantOf course you don't. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job?
SheldonSenior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman's terms, string theory.
AssistantI see. Just give me a second. Security! The Cheesecake Factory. PennyOkay, I'll get those drinks started for you.
Sheldon(Appearing in an apron and carrying a tray) Behind you.
PennySheldon, what the hell are you doing?
SheldonI'm trying to get these tables cleared. We're slammed.
PennyNo, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here?
SheldonA reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.
PennyYou just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that?
SheldonOh, heavens, no. Since I don't need to be paid, I didn't need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.
PennySheldon, this is ridiculous.
SheldonIs it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.
BernadetteThanks, Sheldon.
PennySheldon, wait, this isn't even what I do. I'm a waitress, not a busboy.
SheldonYou're right. That is more menial. (Shoves the tray to Penny; To a man at a table) Hello, I'm Sheldon. I'll be your server today. I don't recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen. Time lapses. Sheldon is serving the guys. SheldonAll right, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously, kudos. Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here's your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It's a little unconventional, but I think you'll like it. It's zingy. And for you, Factory Burrito Grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.
LeonardHang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?
SheldonYes.
LeonardDouble guacamole?
SheldonOf course.
LeonardNo cilantro?
SheldonNope.
LeonardLettuce shredded, not chopped?
SheldonYep.
LeonardYou understand why I'm doing this to you?
SheldonI do.
LeonardThat'll be all. That was fun.
RajHow long can he keep this up?
LeonardI heard about this professor at MIT who melted down, bought a van, and spent the rest of his life as a mobile dog groomer.
RajHe never went back to the university?
LeonardOnly to shampoo Professor Chambourg's shih tzu.
RajSheesh.
HowardI bet if we all chipped in, we could buy Sheldon a van.
RajBut he's afraid of dogs.
LeonardYeah, that's the only thing wrong with that plan.
PennyHey, guys, sorry you had to wait, but we are swamped. What's this?
LeonardSheldon took our order.
PennySheldon doesn't work here.
LeonardWell, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.
Sheldon(Drops tray. A nearby table claps) Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I've been looking at it all wrong. I can't consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It's a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.
PennySheldon, where are you going? Aren't you gonna clean this up?
SheldonI'm sorry. I don't work here. The roller disco. HowardHappy now?
RajI'm on a cloud. Swing me. (Howard swings Raj several times.) The ball pit, presumably earlier. LeonardSheldon, come here.
[Sheldon once again keeps popping up his head and shouting "Bazinga" as Leonard flails around trying to catch him.]