Leonard and Penny are in Penny's bed. PennyHaving a little trouble catching your breath there?
LeonardNo, no, I'm good. If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would've tried a lot harder.
PennyDo or do not. There is no try.
LeonardDid you just quote Star Wars?
PennyI believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
LeonardOh, my God. I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda. I love you, Penny.
PennyOh. Oh. Thank you.
LeonardYou're welcome. I just wanted to put that out there.
PennyOh, yeah, no, I, I'm, I'm glad.
LeonardYeah, oh, good. Glad is good.
PennyYeah. Oh. No, no. Um. So, it's getting pretty late. We should probably go to sleep.
LeonardYeah, probably.
PennyOkay, good night, sweetie.
LeonardGood night. The apartment. HowardHey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
RajSheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
SheldonYou are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
LeonardSeriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
HowardWhat's with him?
SheldonPerhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
HowardAre you saying he's man-struating?
SheldonNot literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
RajInteresting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month. You know what I'm talking about. The comic book store. HowardOkay, forget giant ants. How about giant rabbits?
RajBig or small, I don't like rabbits. They always look like they're about to say something, but they never do.
SheldonRabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And on a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.
RajMaybe that's what they wanna talk about.
HowardLeonard, where do you stand on giant rabbits and scrotal position?
LeonardI honestly don't care.
RajReally? Because every time we've talked about unusual animal genitals, you've always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions.
LeonardWhat do you want from me? I just don't give a rat's ass.
HowardWould that be a giant rat's ass?
SheldonFor the record, giant rats are possible.
LeonardCan we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?
HowardOkay, how about this for a topic, why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.
SheldonOf course they are. Leonard's being one.
RajMaybe he's having a lover's spat with Penny.
LeonardNo, there was no spat.
HowardOh, but something happened.
LeonardI don't wanna talk about it.
SheldonBut I sense you're going to and I don't wanna hear about it. Excuse me. (Leaves)
HowardWhat'd you do, Romeo? You pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?
RajDid you think it would be funny to put on a pair of her panties and jump around, but it wound up just creeping her out?
LeonardWhat? No.
RajI'm just asking, dude. It happens.
StuartYou guys still on for bowling tonight?
SheldonOh, yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.
StuartOh. Ouch.
SheldonThat is what is referred to as a burn on you.
Howard(To Leonard) Did you ask her to start waxing?
RajDid you start waxing?
HowardWhile making love, did you accidentally spank your own ass and cry out Mommy?
LeonardI'm walking away from you now.
HowardThat wasn't a no.
RajYeah, I think we're getting close. The stairwell. HowardDid you take a Benadryl and fall asleep while pleasuring her? Because you can die that way.
RajOh, that would be a good way to go.
LeonardOh, hey.
SheldonGood, Penny, reminder, bowling tonight at seven o'clock.
PennyOh, right, bowling.
LeonardYou don't have to come if you don't want to.
PennyNo, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
SheldonWe would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
PennyIt's always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
PennyThinly veiled contempt.
SheldonRemember, seven o'clock.
PennyGot it.
SheldonPacific Daylight time!
PennyBite me!
SheldonPlease reserve that butch spirit for the lanes. The bowling alley. HowardI thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.
SheldonThese are my own bowling shoes.
HowardThen what's with the disinfectant?
SheldonI know where my feet have been.
StuartHey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn't make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.
WilHi, Sheldon. How's it going?
SheldonWell, well, well. If it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.
WilYou're not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?
SheldonI'm the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?
WilIt tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon's head). You ready to bowl?
SheldonOh, I'm ready. I don't know if Stuart told you what you're up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny's pretty good.
WilGreat. Then it's on.
SheldonOh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.
[Time lapse.]
SheldonA common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it's really done. I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes. (Gets a strike) Yes. Tweet that, Tweety Bird.
Howard(To Wil) Hey, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big fan.
WilOh, thanks.
HowardI'm sure you're probably sick of Star Trek questions, but, Whoopi Goldberg, you ever hit that?
RajAh, beer. The magic elixir that can turn this poor, shy Indian boy into the life of the party. Oh, yeah.
Leonard(To Penny) Chilli cheese fry?
PennyYes. I love chilli cheese fries.
LeonardReally? You love them?
PennyYeah, why?
LeonardNo reason. I'm just glad to hear you're comfortable saying you love something.
PennyDo you really wanna get into this right now?
LeonardGet into what? Why wouldn't you love the chilli cheese fries? They've been in your life a long time. They make you happy. They deserve to know.
PennyOkay, look, you just caught me by surprise last night. I didn't know what to say.
LeonardOkay, well, now you've had some time to think about it. So, what do you wanna say?
PennyI'm not sure.
LeonardHow can you not be sure?
PennyOkay, this isn't the place to have this conversation.
LeonardNo, the place to have the conversation was in bed after I said, I love you, and you said, Thank you, good night.
PennyDon't push it, Leonard.
LeonardI am not pushing anything.
PennyYou are. You don't get to decide when I'm ready to say I love you! (Leaves)
RajAh, the premature I love you.
HowardI guessed premature. Does that count? Penny's apartment door. SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
SheldonThis is for you.
PennyIce cream?
SheldonI've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she's upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.
PennyUm, Ach.
SheldonIf you were a cat, I would've brought you a lasagna.
PennyDid Leonard send you over here?
SheldonNo, we haven't spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.
PennyYeah, I'm sorry about that.
SheldonI'm not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.
PennyAgain, I'm sorry.
SheldonAnd let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.
PennyYou're kidding.
SheldonNo. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.
PennyOkay, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better?
SheldonThe part where I tell you I've engineered a rematch with Stuart's team for tonight.
PennyOh, honey, I don't know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.
SheldonYou want me to remove him from the team? I'm the captain, I can do that.
PennyNo, no, that's okay. Just let me talk to him, and I'll get back to you.
SheldonWhen are you going to talk to him?
PennyI don't know.
SheldonHe's in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.
PennyYou're not gonna leave me alone until I do it, are you?
SheldonOh, I think we both know the answer to that question. The laundry room. PennyI think we should talk now.
LeonardWhat? No, it's okay. We don't have to talk 'cause there's nothing to talk about. Everything's good.
PennyReally? So, you didn't get all snarky 'cause I said something nice to a bowl of chilli fries?
LeonardAll right, maybe I overreacted. So we're in two different places emotionally. So what? And maybe I'm a little ahead of you. That's fine. You know. In fact, it makes sense, 'cause let's face it, I've been in this relationship two years longer than you.
PennyLook, Leonard, you have to know how much I care about you. It's just that I've said the L word too soon before, and it didn't work out very well.
LeonardReally? I wouldn't know what that's like.
PennyI'm sorry. You know what I'm talking about, though.
LeonardYeah, I do.
PennySo, we're good?
LeonardYes, that's what I'm telling you. We are good. We are great.
SheldonAll right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there's a lot at stake here. The bowling alley. SheldonAttention, all bowlers. I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
PennyThe Wesley Crushers?
SheldonNo, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley "Crushers."
PennyI don't get it.
LeonardWesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
PennyStill don't get it.
SheldonIt's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we we'll be the crushers of Wesley.
PennyOkay, I'm sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
SheldonWhat? No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers. It's the Wesley "Crushers."
HowardYou know, if you want it to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the "Wesley" Crushers.
SheldonDo you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers. It's not the "Wesley" Crushers. It's the Wesley "Crushers."
WilHey, look. They named their team after me.
SheldonNo, it's not the- Never mind.
StuartSo, we're all clear on the bet and the stakes?
SheldonOh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis.
StuartOuch again.
WilHey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I'm really looking forward to wiping the floor with you.
SheldonOh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?
[Time lapse.]
WilAfter you.
SheldonNo, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
WilIt's customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.
SheldonAll right.
WilIt's a custom, not a rule.
SheldonI so loathe you.
WilThat's right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.
SheldonThat's not even from your franchise!
StuartI, um, I want you to know that even though we're on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will.
PennyThank you, Stuart. Nice to know.
StuartMmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what's-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I'm gonna bowl now.
SheldonBe the ball, Howard.
HowardLeave me alone, Sheldon.
SheldonYou weren't the ball.
PennyHey, thanks.
LeonardThis is fun, huh?
LeonardIt's good that we got out and did something physical.
LeonardGets us out of our heads. You get in your head, you start to overthink, overanalyze, obsess, you worry. That's not what we're doing tonight. Tonight we're just throwing a ball at some pins.
PennyYeah, that's right.
LeonardMm-hmm, and someday, we don't know when, maybe you'll love me back. Ooh, I'm up.
All(Chanting) Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don!
SheldonExcuse me. I don't know who you're chanting for as I am currently the ball.
All(Chanting) The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball! The ball!
SheldonThank you, Jesus! As my mother would say.
WilI'm glad you patched things up with your boyfriend.
PennyYeah, me too.
WilIt's always tough when the L bomb gets dropped and you're not ready for it.
PennyTell me about it.
WilI dated this one girl, and I told her that I loved her, and she said she wasn't sure. And she strung me along for almost two years. It was brutal.
PennyOh, I'm sorry.
WilThanks. Yeah, I wish she had just broken up with me right there, put me out of my misery.
WilYeah, would've been kinder.
StuartWil, you're up.
WilOh, that's me.
SheldonDid you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?
PennyWhat are you talking about?
SheldonHe's evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?
SheldonWell, if he does, don't believe it. He's not above playing the dead meemaw card.
SheldonEnjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.
LeonardPenny, you're up.
SheldonAll right, remember, his meemaw's alive and be the ball.
PennyYeah, I got it.
LeonardWe really need a strike here.
PennyI know.
LeonardSo just take your time and concentrate.
PennyLeonard, stop pressuring me.
LeonardI'm not pressuring you.
PennyYeah, you are! Just back off!
LeonardOkay, I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
PennyI didn't mean shut up.
LeonardFine. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.
PennyNo, this isn't fair to you, Leonard. I'm sorry.
SheldonWait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I'll get you ice cream!
LeonardNo, let her go.
SheldonAre you insane? If she leaves, it's over!
LeonardI'm pretty sure it's already over.
WilTough luck, Sheldon.
SheldonYou did this, didn't you?
WilDo you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?
SheldonNo, I suppose not.
WilGood. Keep thinking that.
SheldonWheaton! The comic book store. StuartMm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah, I'm telling you the Match.com chicks are much looser than on eHarmony. You know, I, I gotta call you back. I won a bet, and it's time to collect.
(The guys enter dressed as female superheroes. Howard is Batgirl, Sheldon is Wonder Woman, Leonard is Supergirl and Raj is Catwoman.)
RajI don't know about you, but I feel empowered.