PennyOh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!
SheldonI was going to get my mail.
PennyOkay. (He doesn't move) Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?
SheldonI think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
PennyGod, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
SheldonWell, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.
PennyOkay, here's the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
SheldonGood, good. I'm glad we're still friends.
SheldonOh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
SheldonJust to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone, or just you?
SheldonHarsh terms. But all right, I'll just substitute intercourse.
SheldonOr fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve.
PennySo, how you been?
SheldonWell, my existence is a continuum, so, I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
PennyYou're just coitusing with me, aren't you?
PennyMmm. How's Leonard doing?
SheldonHe seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
PennyI'll pretend I didn't hear it.
SheldonI'd rather you pretend I didn't say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
SheldonThat's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
PennyInteresting. I'll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.
SheldonI'm hungry now.
PennyOh. Um, okay. Why don't you give me an hour and come over?
SheldonWill you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?
PennyI don't have hot dogs.
SheldonOh, it's all right, I do. Oh! You're in for what my mother calls a real eye-talian treat. (Enters his apartment).
LeonardHey, where you been?
SheldonI was talking with Penny.
HowardWhat's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
LeonardNo, no, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
RajYeah, he's over it, that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
SheldonIs he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
HowardSo would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
SheldonWhich one picks last?
SheldonWell, usually I'm on the team that picks last. Unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.
LeonardSheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you're hungry.
SheldonWell, of course I'm hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!
SheldonJust out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?
LeonardI don't know. Why?
SheldonJust making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!
A few moments later.
HowardOh, God, this is good.
RajLet me ask you a question. Do you believe you're going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
HowardJews don't have hell. We have acid reflux.
LeonardDo you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?
SheldonCertainly. It's not like I have to moderate my food intake because I'm planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!
LeonardSo, you guys wanna do something tonight?
HowardNah, I can't. I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class. 18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool. Looks like the manatee tank at Sea World.
LeonardWhat about you, Raj?
RajOh, there it is, now that you don't have a girlfriend, you wanna hang out with me again.
LeonardI never stopped hanging out with you.
RajOh, please, we all know I'm the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
HowardI wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.
SheldonExcuse me, I'm thirsty, so I'm going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.
LeonardYou know what? I'll just spend the evening alone.
RajWhat, suddenly I'm not good enough for you?
Sheldon(Smuggles a bag of hotdogs into his pants) Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I'll take my after-dinner walk. (Walks awkwardly)
LeonardSince when do you take after-dinner walks?
HowardYeah, since when do you take walks?
SheldonI read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there's one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it's serotonin. Bye-bye.
HowardHold on. I'll walk down with you.
SheldonOh, that's not necessary. You can go first.
HowardOr we could go together.
SheldonI can't think of a reason why not.
SheldonHold on. Nope, no reason. (They leave)
Raj(To Leonard) I've missed you.
SheldonAll right, say hello to your mother for me.
HowardYou said you were going for a walk.
SheldonI didn't say outside.
HowardSo what, you're just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
SheldonNo, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
Woman's voiceHere Bubbles. Here boy.
HowardWhich way are you going?
SheldonWhich way are you going?
HowardI parked my scooter down the block.
SheldonI'm going the other way. Bye.
HowardBye. Actually, I'm this way. Do I smell hot dogs?
SheldonNo. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
HowardI definitely smell raw hot dog.
SheldonPerhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
HowardAll right, have a nice walk.
SheldonI shall. Have a nice scoot.
HowardYou might wanna stand back. I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
SheldonOh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat! (Runs away)
SheldonPenny. Penny. (Long pause) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
RajI haven't had sex in a year.
LeonardWhere're you going with this, Raj?
RajDon't flatter yourself, dude. I wanna go out and meet a woman.
RajWell, I need a wingman. I don't wanna come off like a lonely loser.
LeonardAnd you think my presence will help with that?
RajWell, I do. Next to you, I'll look like a catch.
LeonardI'm not going out tonight, Raj.
RajAll right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?
RajDoesn't have to be Asian.
LeonardDon't worry. You'll meet a girl someday.
RajNo, I won't.
LeonardYes, you will, and she'll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.
RajYou really think so?
LeonardI do, and you'll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she'll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces.
RajBut we'll have sex first, right?
SheldonMmm, mmm, mmm. That's Eye-talian.
PennySo, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?
SheldonOh, yes. In fact, he said, I'm fine, I don't care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.
SheldonI'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you.
PennyHe's been crying?
SheldonOh, I believe that was something else I wasn't supposed to mention.
PennyOh, God, I feel terrible.
SheldonDo you have a stomach ache, too?
PennyNo. Why, do you?
PennyWhy did you ask if I had one, too?
SheldonJust making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.
PennyAll right. So, what's new in your life?
SheldonWell, my new shoes are not made for running.
PennyHave you been running?
SheldonNo. It's just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
PennyI'm so glad you like it.
SheldonI do. Leonard never cooks for me.
PennyWell, maybe that's 'cause Leonard can't cook.
SheldonYou can't cook and you made me this.
PennyWhatever. Ooh, I'm gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.
SheldonOh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell.
RajLook at this. Do you think she's really doing that or is it PhotoShop?
LeonardI'm pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys.
RajYou don't know that. Prison changes people.
LeonardHey, where you been?
SheldonI told you, walking.
LeonardFor an hour and a half?
SheldonI got lost.
LeonardHow could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.
SheldonSatellites are down. Solar flares.
RajThere are no solar flares right now.
SheldonYes, there are.
RajDude, I'm an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I'd be all up in it.
SheldonI'm sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.
LeonardWhat the hell was that about?
RajI don't know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah?
LeonardOh, we really need to get you a girl.
Leonard's bedroom. Leonard is asleep.
SheldonLeonard. Leonard. Leonard.
LeonardOh, just come in!
SheldonThanks for seeing me on such short notice.
LeonardWhat do you want, Sheldon?
SheldonMaybe this isn't a good time.
LeonardTell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
SheldonDo you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
LeonardWhat do you want?
SheldonYou may wanna sit down.
LeonardI'm in bed!
SheldonPoint taken. You may wanna sit up.
SheldonI've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard(Sits up) Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
SheldonWe had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?
LeonardFine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?
SheldonI told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
LeonardThen why did you have Chinese food with us?
SheldonI didn't wanna upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
LeonardIs it possible he said Bros before Hoes?
SheldonYes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes.
LeonardSheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.
SheldonOh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that's been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?
SheldonWell. Then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.
LeonardI guess not.
SheldonAnd now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or, How I Lost My Hot Dogs.
The laundry room.
PennyOh, um, I, I can come back.
LeonardD-don't be silly. We're neighbors, we're gonna run into each other, may as well get used to it.
PennyYeah, I guess you're right.
LeonardYou used to it yet?
LeonardMe neither. Oh, Sheldon seemed think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it's fine.
PennyOh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me.
PennyYeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.
LeonardI was going to do that.
PennyOh, well, then you, you do it.
LeonardNo, I don't wanna do it. You can do it.
PennyOkay, you can take him for shoes.
LeonardI just took him for shoes.
PennyWell, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.
LeonardFine. I'll take him for shoes next Saturday.
PennyOh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come.
LeonardYou're taking him to Disneyland?
PennyWell, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I gonna say no?
LeonardAll right. But let me know if you're gonna stuff him with junk food. I don't wanna bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.
PennyWe're going to Disneyland. He's gonna eat junk food.
LeonardAll I'm saying is give me a heads-up.
LeonardAnd don't let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He'll say he can handle it, but I promise you'll end up with churro puke on your shoes.
PennyAll right, got it. Is there anything else?
LeonardYeah, don't let Goofy near him. He'll have nightmares and I'll have to deal with it.
PennyWhat's the problem with Goofy?
LeonardWish I knew. He's fine with Pluto.
RajHey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
HowardWell, that's it. We're officially out of things to talk about.
Penny(Enters) We're home.
LeonardIt's ten o'clock, where have you been?
SheldonWe stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.
LeonardI was gonna see that with him.
PennyHow was I supposed to know that?
SheldonIt's all right. I'll see it again with you.
LeonardAnd I have food here. You said you were gonna call.
PennyI know, I know.
SheldonI can still eat.
PennyNo, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
SheldonOkay, but just don't fight.
LeonardWe're not fighting.
LeonardAren't you gonna thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
SheldonThank you, Penny.
PennyYou're welcome, sweetie.
LeonardWant a cup of coffee?
PennyOh, um, I should probably get going.
LeonardCome on. It's just a cup of coffee.
Howard(To Raj, who has whispered to him) Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
LeonardWhat am I smelling?
PennySheldon's churro on my shoes.
PennyHe's such an angel when he's asleep.
LeonardYeah. Shame he has to wake up.
PennyI think we can do it.
LeonardSmother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong?
PennyNo, be friends. You and me.
LeonardOh. Sure. Absolutely.
PennyGood. I'm glad.
LeonardHere's an idea. I'm just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
PennyGood night, Leonard.
LeonardKidding. Just a couple of friends goofing around.
Sheldon(In his sleep) No, Goofy, no.