The university cafeteria.
SheldonExplain your sneeze.
SheldonDo you have allergies?
SheldonIs there too much pepper on your salad?
RajI don't put pepper on salads.
SheldonI've heard enough. Sit over there.
RajCome on. I don't wanna sit by myself.
SheldonThat's what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled.
RajGuys, help me.
HowardSheldon, come on.
LeonardYeah, it's just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You're on your own.
HowardSee you, buddy.
SheldonOh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
LeonardWhen you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?
SheldonOf course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.
HowardAre you planning on kidnapping a woman?
HowardYes, but mixed with genuine concern.
SheldonFor your information, I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
RajThe cosmological physicist from Princeton?
SheldonYes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now, she's under consideration for a position at our university.
LeonardWhy didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!
SheldonI didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.
LeonardOkay, fine. Where is she gonna sleep?
SheldonMy room, of course.
RajHoly crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap!
HowardYeah, um, I have a two-part question.
HowardA, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
SheldonA, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
HowardSo you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
SheldonYes. Bazinga. (Leonard raises his hand) Leonard?
LeonardThank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
SheldonWell, she doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?
RajWhen can I sit with you again?
SheldonWhen I've seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you'll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics. (Leaves)
LeonardI can't believe he's friends with Elizabeth Plimpton.
RajI can't believe they let him into Canada. (Goes over to the table)
HowardWhoa. You heard the man. Where's your throat cultures? (Raj backs off) Kidding. Sit down.
[Raj sits down and sneezes. Leonard and Howard move to another table.]
SheldonOh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?
PennyWhat? What are you doing, what?
SheldonThe stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.
PennySheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?
SheldonI have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.
SheldonI want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.
PennyWait, wait, hold on, back up. You're having a woman stay with you?
SheldonYes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
PennyOh, no, no, no, no. I'm not flabbergasted. I'm puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled.
SheldonA word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.
PennyFemale jibber jabber?
SheldonShoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.
PennyOh, they're not my friends.
SheldonI'm not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.
The apartment. Someone knocks on the door.
LeonardShe's here, she's here. How do I look? Do I look smart?
SheldonOh, good grief. This isn't about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.
LeonardOh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.
ElizabethAh, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then, I remembered that I'd written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn't confuse it with what I'd written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. 'Cause if I tried to go there, I'd be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.
ElizabethNice to finally meet you in person.
SheldonI would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
LeonardHi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it's nice to meet you. I've read both your books and most of your papers. I-I'm Leonard, I live here, you're brilliant.
SheldonI apologize. He's only an experimental physicist.
ElizabethNo need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Hi-lo.
LeonardAre you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything?
SheldonNo, she's my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?
ElizabethInteresting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I'd pick the yogurt.
SheldonExcellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.
Leonard(Picks up a book and points at the cover) Look, it's you.
A little later.
ElizabethThank you so much for opening up your home to me.
LeonardWell, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys.
ElizabethI'm so glad you understand.
SheldonNo, he doesn't understand. I understand.
LeonardWell, I understand, too.
SheldonYou're just misappropriating my understanding.
LeonardOh, (Blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would've already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
SheldonFrom the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room.
ElizabethAll right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.
LeonardUh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I'm smart.
SheldonGet it together, man.
SheldonAll right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed, halfway open, or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There's a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.
ElizabethGood to know.
SheldonIn here, you'll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
ElizabethWhat if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
SheldonThen there's really no reason to live, is there?
ElizabethCan I ask a question about your roommate?
SheldonHe's an odd duck, isn't he?
ElizabethWhat's his relationship status?
SheldonWell, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That's why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the wet wipes you'll find in the bathroom. They're in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.
SheldonGood. I'll leave you to your night time ablutions. I've e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You'll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It's on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.
SheldonSleep well, my friend.
SheldonOh, let me just get one thing. It's my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn't pass through here. Now, good night. And if there's an apocalypse, good luck.
Leonard's bedroom. There is a knock on the door.
ElizabethI saw your light on.
LeonardIs everything all right?
ElizabethYeah, I just couldn't sleep.
LeonardMe neither. Oh, look what I'm reading. It's you.
ElizabethI thought you already read it.
LeonardI did, but it's been a while, and I wanted to sound smart over breakfast.
ElizabethAw, you're smart.
LeonardOh, good. Wasn't sure it was coming across.
ElizabethWhat chapter are you on?
ElizabethOh, the extragalactic distance ladder. (Sits on his bed) Wanna know a little secret?
ElizabethI wrote the section on the Wilson-Bappu Effect completely naked.
LeonardReally? Uh, sure doesn't read that way.
ElizabethHere, let me show you. When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars, we start to see (Removes her robe) a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found in Hubble's constant.
LeonardWow. You really make science come alive.
The living room.
SheldonVocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.
SheldonMorning. I trust you had a pleasant night.
ElizabethMore than pleasant. (Giggles)
Sheldon(Giggles) Excuse me, I'm going to relieve myself.
LeonardHow do you take your coffee?
Sheldon(In bathroom) Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.
LeonardSomething his mother taught him.
SheldonAll right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.
ElizabethThat's very thoughtful, but I think I'll finish my coffee first.
SheldonAh, so the yogurt didn't work. I'll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.
Penny(Enters) Oh, good, you're up. Look, my car won't start. I need a ride to work.
SheldonDid you once again ignore your check engine light?
PennyNo, Mr. smarty-pants. I ignored the fill gas tank light.
SheldonLeonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.
LeonardOh, yeah, sure, let me just put this in a travel mug.
PennyOh, Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn't understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine.
ElizabethNice to meet you.
PennyNice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay?
ElizabethYes, very much.
SheldonWonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard's bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.
LeonardOkay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work. You and Sheldon and Sheldon's friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met. It'll be fun. Like a clown car.
LeonardHmm? Yeah? What? Huh?
PennyWe just broke up.
LeonardWhat, uh, you and me? Yeah, we did. Not too long ago. How are you doing with it?
PennyNot as good as you apparently.
LeonardI, um, I don't follow.
PennyYou know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
SheldonExcuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
PennyI'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
SheldonThat's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
LeonardCome on. It wasn't my fault.
SheldonThe implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
PennyYou know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
LeonardPenny, I can still drive you.
PennyOh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
SheldonI must say, I'm shocked by this betrayal.
LeonardI didn't betray Penny.
SheldonNot Penny, me!
LeonardHow am I betraying you?
SheldonElizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!
LeonardYeah, I guess I did.
The cafeteria. Raj drinks from a hip flask.
HowardWhat the hell are you doing?
RajRelax, it's Nyquil.
LeonardYou still have a cold?
RajMaybe, but I don't care. That's the great thing about Nyquil, it's like ten-percent booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine.
LeonardAre you having trouble sleeping? 'Cause, boy, I was up all night.
RajDid you get a cold, too?
LeonardNo, but I was awake all night.
HowardIf you want, I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills.
RajShe won't notice they're missing?
HowardShe doesn't know she takes them.
LeonardNo, that's okay. It was something else keeping me up last night. And again this morning. And, I didn't mind. I was up last night. I was up this morning. I didn't mind. Those are your clues.
RajOoh, ooh. Did the pigeon on your windowsill have more babies?
HowardWere you up making another stop motion Lego movie?
Howard'Cause let me tell you, it's not enough to make the Legos move, they also have to capture your heart.
LeonardOkay, I'll give you one more clue. It involved another person.
RajDid you get a Japanese love pillow?
HowardHow is a Japanese love pillow another person?
RajIt is if you love her and give her a name.
SheldonDr. Plimpton, I'd like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali,
SheldonAnd not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.
RajI'm a big fan of your work.
SheldonAnd of course, you've already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.
LeonardBoy, I'm kinda tuckered out. How are you feeling, Elizabeth?
ElizabethYou know what? I am a little tired. Would you be a dear and get me a cup of coffee?
LeonardSure. Black, right?
ElizabethActually, now I think I want it hot, brown and sweet. (Eyes up Raj)
LeonardComing right up.
HowardWhat do you mean what? It's Halo night.
RajI can't. I'm too sick. (Coughs) Go away.
HowardThat's why we moved Halo night here. Look, I brought my mom's chicken soup.
RajI'm not hungry.
ElizabethDon't send him away. Let him in.
RajI bought a parrot.
HowardYeah, right. Dr. Plimpton?
ElizabethHi. Howard, right?
ElizabethCan I ask you a question, Howard? Do you like role-playing games?
HowardYeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
ElizabethNot tonight. Tonight you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
ElizabethYou two figure out the details, I'm gonna go change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
HowardWhat the frak?
RajGo away. She wants New Delhi, not Kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
HowardWe broke up weeks ago.
RajWhy didn't you say anything?
HowardI was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
LeonardHey, who's ready for Halo?
RajOh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
HowardHe's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
LeonardI don't understand.
ElizabethOh, good. Leonard's here.
LeonardElizabeth? What's going on?
ElizabethWhat's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you.
LeonardIs she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
HowardYep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.
RajOkay, show of hands. Who's up for this? (Only Howard raises his hand.)
LeonardWe'll all be naked in front of each other.
RajFollow my lead. Almost. We're, we're going to go out into the hallway and, uh, make a dramatic entrance.
ElizabethOh, good. It's so much better when everyone commits.
RajRun. Run, run, run. Don't look back.
LeonardI thought we had something special.
Raj(Locks door) So, you say you can't pay your rent? (Elizabeth shakes her head)
PennyI found these in the dryer. I'm assuming they belong to Sheldon.
LeonardThanks. It's really hard to find these in his size. So, listen. I've been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.
PennyYou mean you and Dr. Slutbunny?
LeonardYeah, I wanted to explain.
PennyWell, you don't owe me an explanation.
PennyNo, you don't.
LeonardSo, you're not judging me?
PennyOh, I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don't owe me an explanation.
LeonardNevertheless, I'd like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did.
LeonardShe let me.