Penny's apartment. PennyOkay, Babydoll Pink, let's see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad's feet.
Leonard(Vvoice off) It's just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees!
SheldonLet me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
LeonardYes, if we lived in a teakettle.
SheldonThis is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
LeonardAw, screw the roommate agreement!
SheldonNo, you don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.
LeonardYou know what, go to hell and set their thermostat.
SheldonI don't have to go to hell. At 73 degrees, I'm there already!
Penny(After a knock on the door) Who is it?
LeonardLeonard.
PennyHang on.
LeonardCan I sleep on your couch tonight?
PennyUh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
LeonardYou heard that, huh?
PennyApparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat-crap crazy.
LeonardSo you agree, he's nuts.
PennyWell, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
LeonardBelieve it or not, he was worse when I met him.
PennyOh, I do not believe that.
LeonardYou are so naive. Just like I was seven years ago. (Flasback: The lobby) I'd just started at the university.
LeonardExcuse me, I'm looking for Sheldon Cooper's apartment.
Man with a boxOh, I bet you're here to check out the room for rent.
LeonardYeah.
ManRun away, dude.
LeonardWhat?
ManRun fast, run far. (End of flashback.)
LeonardThat should have been my first clue. Moments later. PennySo Sheldon's last roommate tried to warn you off?
LeonardFor all I knew, he was the crazy one. He had this really deranged look.
PennyWell, yeah, he'd been living with Sheldon.
LeonardSure, it makes sense now. (Flashback: Leonard is getting out of the elevator). Anyway, I went upstairs and knocked on the door.
Large Black TransvestiteYeah? {transvestite - a person, esp a man, who enjoys dressing as a member of the opposite sex ↗transsexual, cross-dress, drag queen}
LeonardDr. Cooper?
TransvestiteNo, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
LeonardIn retrospect, that was clue number two.
SheldonYes?
LeonardI'm Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said-
SheldonI know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?
LeonardWhat?
SheldonYou said you're a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
LeonardUh, radon?
SheldonAre you asking me or telling me?
LeonardTelling you? Telling you.
SheldonAll right, next question. Kirk or Picard?
LeonardOh, uh, well, that's tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
SheldonCorrect. You've passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.
Leonard(Enters apartment. It is bare except for two lawn chairs, a television and some whiteboards) Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there?
SheldonThat depends.
LeonardI don't understand, their, their existence is conditional?
SheldonNo, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
LeonardThere's three?
SheldonEach more daunting than the last. Have a seat.
LeonardOkay.
SheldonNo! That's where I sit!
LeonardWhat's the difference?
SheldonThis seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I've placed it in a state of eternal dibs.
LeonardCan you do that?
SheldonCathedra mea, regulae meae. That's Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.
LeonardUh, yeah, experimental physics.
SheldonHmm.
LeonardWhat is that?
SheldonDoesn't concern you. You'll be going to the university every day?
LeonardYes.
SheldonAnd you have a vehicle?
LeonardA car, yeah.
SheldonAnd you'll be willing to drive me?
LeonardWell, can't you drive?
SheldonI can. I choose not to.
LeonardOkay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that's a point in my favor, right?
SheldonWhy don't you let me do this.
LeonardCome on, I just asked.
SheldonLast question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?
LeonardUh, I'm gonna go with preserving the knowledge.
SheldonThat's correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I'll show you the rest of the apartment.
LeonardOh, good. I passed the barriers.
SheldonThe second barrier. Don't get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?
LeonardUh, I guess.
SheldonThis isn't going to work if you're guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?
LeonardWhen I have to.
SheldonWhen you have to? I'm sorry, I don't rent to hippies.
LeonardI, I'm sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight.
SheldonI can't give you eight. I can give you seven thirty.
LeonardFine. I'll take it.
SheldonThird barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!
LeonardIs this it?
SheldonNo, this is my room. People don't go in my room.
LeonardSo where do you sleep?
SheldonI don't understand.
LeonardIf people don't go in there, and you're people... You are people, aren't you? Making a joke.
SheldonDo you do this often?
LeonardOn occasion.
SheldonYour room. (Someone painted "DIE SHELDON DIE" on the wall) You may wanna repaint. (End of Flashback)
PennyOkay, and after all that, you just moved in?
LeonardNo, I didn't just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment)
SheldonRoommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly.
LeonardDoes that really need to be in the agreement?
SheldonWe might as well settle it now, it's gonna be on for years. Initial here. All right, that's television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment's flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.
LeonardWe have a flag?
Sheldon(Waves a small flag) Never fly it upside down, unless the apartment's in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.
LeonardOkay.
Sheldon(Future Sheldon and/or Leonard doesn't show up) Well that's disappointing. (End of flashback.)
PennyWhy on earth did you agree to all that?
LeonardIt was the best apartment I'd seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you've passed the first three barriers you kinda wanna take it all the way.
PennyWell, I'm sorry, Leonard, it's very hard to feel sympathy for you.
LeonardOkay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard's bedroom.)
SheldonLeonard?
LeonardShh. Just pretend we're not here.
SheldonLeonard?
LeonardI'm sure he'll go away.
SheldonI'm just gonna keep knocking till you answer. Leonard? Leonard? Leonard?
LeonardWhat do you want? (Sheldon comes in) I didn't say come in!
SheldonYou asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I'm here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. "Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus."
LeonardI didn't even know her 12 hours ago.
Joyce KimThat's it! I'm out of here!
LeonardBut, Joyce, come on.
Sheldon12 hours? (End of flashback.)
PennyOh, my, God.
LeonardDo I get some sympathy now?
PennyA little bit. Okay. Let me get this straight. You move in with this guy, he makes you sign a ridiculous roommate agreement, then he walks into your bedroom while you're doing this Joyce Kim, and you still stay?
LeonardActually, I couldn't get too mad at him about Joyce Kim.
PennyWhy not?
LeonardWell, I was doing some government research at the time, you know, military, rocket fuel. It's kind of secret.
PennyOkay, what does that have to do with Joyce Kim?
LeonardAs it turns out, she was a North Korean spy. Luckily, Sheldon drove her out before I revealed anything important. Which I'm not saying I would have.
PennySo, what, that's it? You've stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison?
LeonardThat was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator.
PennyOh, yeah, I'm wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.
LeonardIt was, but one night, Sheldon came home from work (Flashback: the apartment. The settee has now appeared. Leonard, Howard and Raj are playing a video game.)
SheldonWhat is going on here?
LeonardHey, Sheldon. This is Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too.
HowardHey.
RajHey.
SheldonI'll get to you later. What are you sitting on?
HowardI can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushie. It's a joke.
LeonardYeah, not a good idea.
RajTushie is buttocks, right?
HowardRight.
RajHilarious.
SheldonExplain the couch.
LeonardOh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
SheldonBut what's wrong with the furniture we have?
LeonardThey're lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.
SheldonDid it occur to you that was by design?
LeonardAccording to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
SheldonBut you didn't notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.
LeonardI did notify you.
SheldonOh, you did, did you? (Checks emails on the phone) Drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.
LeonardWhat am I doing in your spam folder?
SheldonI put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled this is funny.
RajOh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious. (End of flashback.)
PennyOkay, what does all this have to do with the elevator?
LeonardI'm getting to it. (Back to flashback.)
SheldonI assure you, you'll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs. (Hands back Raj's iPod)
RajOkay, do you have an opinion about everything?
SheldonYes.
HowardAnd you just assume you're always right?
SheldonIt's not an assumption. Change seats with me.
RajWhy?
SheldonI don't like this spot. I have to keep turning my head.
RajFine.
LeonardOoh, it's time for Babylon 5!
SheldonWe don't watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.
LeonardWhy not?
SheldonBecause no one likes Babylon 5.
LeonardI like it.
RajMe too.
HowardSo do I.
LeonardThere you go, three against one.
SheldonThey don't get a vote. It's one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.
LeonardBut I said no to that.
SheldonAnd I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me.
HowardWhy?
SheldonThere's a draft on my neck over here.
HowardSo, I get the draft?
SheldonYou're protected by your turtleneck.
HowardFine. And it's a dickey.
SheldonHmm, I'm still not comfortable. Of course. There's too many people here.
LeonardWe can fix that. Let's leave.
HowardYeah, we can go over to my place.
SheldonWait. Let me get my jacket.
HowardYou're not going with us.
SheldonWhy not?
RajYou're the guy we're trying to get away from.
SheldonOh. Well, in that case, I don't need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is I'm the guy from whom you're trying to get away. Oh, yes, this is definitely going to be my spot. (End of flashback.)
PennyOkay, how do you know he said that? You left the room.
LeonardHey, do you want me to finish working on your man feet or not?
PennyFine. Go ahead. (Flashback to Howard's bedroom.)
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, are you having a playdate?
HowardI don't have playdates! I have colleagues!
Mrs. WolowitzDo their parents know they're here?
HowardNo, but if you keep screaming, maybe they'll hear you!
LeonardThat your dad?
HowardShe grows any more hair on her face, yes.
LeonardOh, man. Is that a two-stage rocket?
HowardThree. I designed the engine myself.
RajCool. Can it break Mach 1?
HowardOh, probably, if I could get my hands on that new fuel the government's been working on.
LeonardOh, this just might be your lucky day.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, what happened to the Oreos I left on the counter?!
HowardI haven't seen your Oreos! Just take your bath without them! (End of flashback.)
PennySo, why was it his lucky day?
LeonardWell, it turns out I had a little rocket fuel in the apartment.
PennyWhat were you doing with rocket fuel in your apartment?
LeonardMm, Joyce Kim was kinda curious about what I did for a living, and I was gonna kind of show it to her. It's not important. The point is, the guys and I went back to the apartment.
PennyOkay, are we ever gonna get to the elevator?
LeonardYeah, we're really close. Uh, uh, we're at the apartment. (Flashback.)
LeonardThe trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust.
HowardNice.
RajCool.
SheldonWon't work.
LeonardExcuse me, but I've been working on this a long time. Trust me, it'll work.
SheldonYou don't see your mistake, do you?
LeonardThere's no mistake.
SheldonThis is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
LeonardWell, I've adjusted the formula.
SheldonNot correctly.
LeonardOkay, I've had it with you. You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science-fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics. And when it comes to applied physics- uh-oh.
HowardWhat's happening?
LeonardA bad thing. A very bad thing. Get the door. Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! Get the door!
(Sheldon flies the flag upside down)
HowardYou're waiting for the elevator?!
LeonardOh. Right. (Runs down the stairs)
Raj(The elevator comes) Wait. It's here.
SheldonGive me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)
LeonardWhat'd you do that for? I had plenty of time. (Elevator explodes.)
SheldonYou're welcome. (End of flashback.)
LeonardNot only did Sheldon save my life, he didn't rat me out to the landlord. Or the police. Or Homeland Security.
PennyOkay, so, basically, you're the reason I have to walk up and down three flights of stairs every day?
LeonardSo I did something stupid. I'm sure you did stupid things when you were younger. What were you doing seven years ago?
Penny'Scuse me, I was in high school. Studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community. (Flashback: Penny is in her bedroom, sitting on the bed with a guy, looking at a pregnancy tester.)
PennyNot pregnant. Yes! (They high five) Haha! The apartment. SheldonOh, Ubuntu, you are my favourite Linux-based operating system.
Leonard(Enters) Hey.
SheldonHello. Why do I smell methacrylate?
LeonardOh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology.
SheldonThere's doubt?
LeonardI did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn't have tried to change it.
SheldonThat's not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.
LeonardOkay, I'm sorry.
SheldonThere you go.
LeonardSo we're good?
SheldonGood what?
LeonardNever mind. Okay if I watch some TV?
SheldonGo ahead.
Television voiceUp next Babylon 5. Penny's apartment. Leonard(Voice off) You're not even watching!
SheldonI can hear it!
LeonardOh, so the dialog offends you?
SheldonI would hardly call that dialog!
LeonardYou're insane, you know that?!
SheldonDon't make me turn that flag upside down, 'cause you know I'll do it!