The living room. Howard is unpacking Chinese food using a robotic hand. HowardAnd now the Kung Pao chicken.
HowardAnd finally, my Moo shu pork.
[Everyone applauds]
HowardOh, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.
RajAnd it only took 28 minutes.
SheldonImpressive, but we must be cautious.
SheldonToday, it's a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.
LeonardI don't think that's gonna happen, Sheldon.
SheldonNo one ever does. That's why it happens.
[Penny enters]
PennyHey. Is the food here? Ooh. What's that?
HowardThat, dear lady, is the Wolowitz Programmable Hand, designed for extravehicular repairs on the International Space Station.
PennyAh, cool.
HowardAsk me to pass the soy sauce.
PennyOh, does that come up much on the space station?
HowardMostly with Asian and Jewish astronauts.
PennyAll right. Pass the soy sauce.
HowardComing up. (Starts to hit the keyboard)
LeonardHow's work?
PennyIt's not bad. Kinda hungry.
LeonardYeah, we all are.
Howard(Still hitting the keyboard) Just wait.
SheldonYou realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
PennyReally? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon(To Leonard) I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?
HowardOkay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. (To Penny) Put out your hand.
(The hand drops a soy sauce pack onto Penny's hand)
PennyThat's amazing.
SheldonI wouldn't say amazing.
At best, it's a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
HowardHey, Sheldon?
(Howards gestures with the robotic hand)
HowardNo, not peace. Hang on. The living room, continued from earlier. PennyDoes NASA know you're using that thing as a napkin holder?
HowardYou kidding? They still think it's in a secure locker at JPL.
PennyYou stole it?
HowardBorrowed. The trick is to carry it out to your car like you own it.
SheldonExcuse me. (Checks his phone) Amy's at the dry cleaners, and she's made a very amusing pun. "I don't care for perchloroethylene, and I don't like glycol ether." Get it? She doesn't like glycol ether. Sounds like "either." "L-O-L."
PennyWho's Amy?
LeonardHis girlfriend.
PennySheldon has a girlfriend?
SheldonShe's not my girlfriend.
PennyHow long has this been going on?
LeonardFour months.
SheldonShe's not my girlfriend.
PennyAre you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you, "What's new?" and you never thought to go with, "Sheldon has a girlfriend"?
SheldonShe's not my girlfriend.
PennyAh... d-d-d-d... How did they meet?
HowardRaj and I entered Sheldon's information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler.
PennyOh, my God! Sheldon and Amy.
HowardOr, as we call them, "Shamy."
PennyShamy. I am so digging the Shamy.
SheldonAll right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.
PennyOkay, well, what do you communicate about?
SheldonWell, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
[Drink comes out of Penny's mouth. She coughs. The robotic arm hands her a tissue.]
PennyThank you.
LeonardWait a minute, a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you're considering having a baby?
SheldonAmy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
HowardI'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
PennyOkay, I have a question.
SheldonYes, Penny.
PennyYou don't even like people touching you. How are you gonna have sex?
SheldonWhy on Earth would we have sex?
PennyOh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?
SheldonI'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
PennyOh, God.
SheldonYes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigor. Is your womb available for rental?
LeonardStill digging the Shamy?
PennyLook, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about- uh, gee, I don't know- maybe actually spending some time with her?
SheldonYou mean dating?
SheldonI can't date Amy.
PennyWhy not?
SheldonShe's not my girlfriend.
PennyOkay, look, don't think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh... getting to know the future mother of your child.
SheldonOh. I hadn't considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don't think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?
PennyProbably not.
SheldonHuh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me. The hallway between apartments. Sheldon(Knocks at the door) Penny. Penny. Penny.
PennyYou do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.
SheldonI know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.
PennyYeah, my point is it's a waste of time.
SheldonIf you're looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we're having right now.
PennyWhat do you want?
SheldonI've decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.
PennyOh, that's great. Have fun. (Starts to leave)
SheldonWait. You have to drive me.
SheldonYou know I don't drive.
PennyWell, go ask Leonard.
SheldonI did. He said, and I quote, "Ask Penny. It was her cockamamy idea."
PennyLeonard said "cockamamy"?
SheldonActually, I'm paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I'm uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with "cockamamy."
PennyOkay, fine. When's the date?
SheldonHurry. We're going to be late.
PennySheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?
SheldonI'm sorry. Do you have other plans?
PennyWell, no, not per se, but...
SheldonSo, this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?
PennyLet me get my... cockamamy keys. Howard's bedroom. He is enjoying a massage from his robotic hand. HowardOh, God, that feels so good. Yeah, that's the spot. Oh, baby.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, dinner's ready!
HowardI'll eat later. I'm busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. (Gets an idea) Hmm. Penny's car. SheldonThank you for driving me.
PennyYou're welcome.
SheldonI wish you weren't wearing flip-flops. It's dangerous to drive in flip-flops.
SheldonSorry. I just don't want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.
PennyCan I ask you a question?
SheldonGiven your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.
PennyYeah. Well, my question is, and I'm pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?
SheldonThat depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?
SheldonThen, this is my first date.
PennyOkay. Well, then, there's a couple of things you should probably know.
SheldonI have a master's degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.
PennyMy point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me.
SheldonIf you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it?
PennyFair point. The living room. RajYou know, there's something I've always wondered about Aquaman.
RajWhere does he poop?
RajWhat would a toilet look like in Atlantis? How would you flush it? And when you did flush it, where would the poop go?
[Phone rings]
LeonardHold that thought. Hey, Howard. What's going on? What... Hold on. Howard, Howard, slow down. The robot hand is stuck on your what? (To Raj) You're not gonna believe this. Penny's car. Sheldon's in the front seat, while Amy's in the back seat. PennySo, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you're a neuro...something-or-other.
AmyNeurobiologist. Your "check engine" light is on.
PennyYeah, it's okay.
AmyBut the light indicates...
SheldonDon't bother.
I've wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.
PennyUh, what is that scent you're wearing? It smells great.
AmyDandruff shampoo. I have dry scalp.
PennyAw. Well, your hair looks very nice.
AmyAre you a homosexual?
PennyNo, no, I'm just giving you a compliment.
AmyHmm. Would've been more flattered if you were a homosexual.
PennyGuys, how about some music?
SheldonOh, no, I wouldn't care for that. Amy?
AmyNo, thank you.
PennyOkay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
PennyWell, why don't you tell her?
SheldonAll right. (To Amy) It was hell.
PennyAny follow up, Amy?
PennyI myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.
SheldonI'm sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?
PennyI don't know. I was just trying something.
SheldonMuggles. Howard's bedroom. RajYou slipped and fell into a robot hand?
RajPenis first?
HowardYes. Now, help me!
LeonardI'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.
HowardNot funny, Leonard.
RajReally? A robot hand's got a death grip on your junk, dude. That's funny, ask anyone.
HowardPlea- before my mother walks in, get this off me!
LeonardOkay, let's see.
HowardNo, no! Don't touch. The program is paused.
LeonardWell, then let's un-pause it.
HowardNo, no! I loaded the wrong program. The hand thinks it's holding a screwdriver in outer space. If you continue the program, it's gonna start twisting.
RajAl-all right. How-how about this. When-when Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends all grabbed onto him and pulled and pulled.
LeonardYou do what you want, I'm not touching another man's honey tree.
RajAll right, uh, forget pulling. How about we get an electric saw and cut it off?
HowardWhat?! No saws! One circumcision was enough. How about an acetylene torch?
HowardOkay, I can't believe this needs to be said out loud. No pulling, no saws, no torches.
LeonardWell, then what do you want us to do?
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, I made cookies for you and your little friends!
HowardThat's great, Mom, thanks!
Mrs. WolowitzI'll bring them up with some Hawaiian Punch!
HowardDon't come up here!
Mrs. WolowitzWhy not?! Are you ashamed of your mother?!
HowardYes, but that's not the point! (To Raj and Leonard) Get me out of here.
LeonardOh-oh, you have any ideas, Raj?
RajRight now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch. A restaurant. Penny is having dinner with Sheldon and Amy. PennyHey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
SheldonBig night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over 14 hours in Southern California.
AmyThat's an amusing factoid.
SheldonThank you.
PennyNo, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
AmyIs this true?
SheldonApparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
PennySo, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
AmyOnce a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
PennyYeah, I wouldn't say many. A few.
(Sheldon chuckles)
PennyWhat's (Imitates him)...?
SheldonYour characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
PennyWhat... Where did you get 171 men?
SheldonSimple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
PennyWhoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15.
SheldonI'm sorry. Sixteen?
SheldonMy mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to
193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
AmyRemarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
SheldonAlthough that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
PennyOkay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
SheldonSo we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so, 172 times 0.18 gives us... 30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
PennyOkay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I'm gonna need a drink over here.
AmyThis is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
PennyNo! No! No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
SheldonThis is an interesting topic. (To Amy) How many sexual encounters have you had?
AmyDoes volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
SheldonI should think so.
AmyThen 128. An emergency room. Leonard, carrying a laptop, Raj, the robotic arm, and Howard, enter. LeonardOkay, come on. Almost there.
HowardDon't tug. No tugging.
RajNext time, take your own advice.
Leonard(To Althea, the receptionist) Excuse me, could you help us out?
WomanMy, my, my. What do we have here?
HowardI slipped and fell.
WomanYeah, we get that a lot. What is this?
HowardIt's a robot arm.
WomanWhere's the rest of the robot?
HowardI only built the arm.
Woman'Cause that's all you needed, right?
(Leonard and Raj laugh)
HowardCan you please just help me?!
WomanAll right, all right. Hang on, stay calm. (On public address system) I need an orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
HowardYou think you could be a little more discreet?
WomanI'm sorry, we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis." Why is it hooked up to a computer?
LeonardUh, it's what controls the arm.
HowardBut it's frozen.
WomanDid you try turning it off and back on again?
HowardNo, you see, it's more complicated than that. (Althea reaches for the laptop) No, wait! Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree.
RajNow can we have cookies and Hawaiian Punch? The staircase. SheldonYou were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.
PennyI did not have sex with 31 guys.
SheldonI'll be happy to check the math, but numbers don't lie, Penny.
SheldonIn any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.
PennyAnd that is?
SheldonUsing in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.
PennyYou're still on that?
SheldonIn these uncertain times, doesn't humanity deserve a gift?
PennyOkay, you know what? I'm gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I'm gonna tell your mother on you.
SheldonThat's no threat. My mother's always wanted a grandchild.
PennyReally? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
PennyIf I'd thought of that in the first place, I could've saved myself this whole night.
SheldonWell, it's not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32.
(Penny glares at him)
SheldonGood night. The living room. LeonardHey, Howard, what's up?
SheldonI've decided not to procreate.
Leonard(To him) Yeah, yeah, great. (On the phone) Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again?