The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room.
LeonardWhatcha doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?
SheldonThe humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
SheldonAnd this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
SheldonWhat I'm doing here, is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
LeonardA lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?
SheldonMy family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.
LeonardInteresting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What's KBB?
SheldonKilled by badger.
SheldonIt was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there's a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
LeonardI don't think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.
SheldonNot true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who's to say that I don't share that flawed DNA?
LeonardYou can always get a badger and find out.
SheldonBut seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.
LeonardThat long, huh?
Sheldon60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.
SheldonThe earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.
LeonardSo, you're upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?
SheldonBy this much.
LeonardTough break. You want eggs?
SheldonYou don't get it, Leonard. I'm going to miss so much, the unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
LeonardWhat's a dogapus?
SheldonA hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
LeonardIs somebody working on that?
SheldonI was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.
LeonardWait a minute. You hate dogs.
SheldonA dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.
HowardWhat do we owe you?
LeonardIt came to $28.17. Let's say six bucks apiece.
HowardHere you go.
LeonardNever mind. I got it.
PennyOh, you wanted me to pay.
LeonardIt's no big deal.
PennyNo, no, no, no. You're right. We're not going out anymore, I should pay for myself. (After Raj whispers to Howard, and Howard laughs) What?
HowardHe said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
PennyYeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself. I'm a little low on cash.
LeonardHmm? How much you got?
LeonardHow can you walk around with no money?
PennyI'm cute. I get by.
LeonardIt's okay, you can owe me.
LeonardSheldon, six bucks.
SheldonNo, thank you. I'm not eating pizza tonight.
PennyBut it's Thursday. Thursday's pizza night.
SheldonNot for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight's selection, brussels sprouts.
HowardReally? You're changing the Sheldonian calendar?
SheldonIt's a small price to pay.
LeonardNo, no, don't ask.
PennySorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
SheldonIn order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
PennyWait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
PennySo you wanna turn yourself into some sort of robot?
PennyOkay, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?
SheldonFlattering, but sadly, no. I'm also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.
PennyWait. Honey,have you ever run before?
SheldonCertainly. I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
Howard(After Raj whispers to him) You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
SheldonThat's an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
PennyNo, it won't. Um, how does he know I jog?
HowardOh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
PennyOh, my God, that is so creepy!
HowardI know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he's not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently; to Raj) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
Sheldon(Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.
LeonardWhat the hell? What's the matter?
SheldonI have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I'm nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.
LeonardThere's no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.
SheldonWell, if it's not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung's Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.
LeonardWhen would you've accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?
SheldonIt's part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!
LeonardHave you had your appendix out?
SheldonI haven't. I've been meaning to, but who has the time?
LeonardLet's get you to the hospital.
SheldonSo this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
SheldonI do. And yet I'm doomed while you live on.
LeonardFunny how things work out, isn't it?
SheldonOh, Lord, I think it's about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might've been the Brussels sprouts.
SheldonGood night. Appendicitis. What a nervous nelly.
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennyComing, coming. Hey, nice knees.
SheldonThank you. They're my mother's.
PennyOh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you're gonna run really fast?
SheldonNo, the Flash shirt is because it's Friday, but it's nice when things work out. Where's your heart rate monitor?
PennyI don't have one.
SheldonWhat about your pedometer?
PennyDon't have one.
SheldonDo you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
SheldonWhat do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?
PennyNo. I just run till I'm hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.
SheldonWhy are you doing that?
PennyIt's good to stretch your muscles before you run.
PennyAll right, let's start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it.
SheldonI am doing it.
PennyOh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?
SheldonWe'll never know.
PennyOkay, let's just warm up on the run.
PennyOkay, let's go.
SheldonYeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics. I think you'll be surprised at my- Wah! Oh!
Penny(squealing) Oh, my God, you okay?
SheldonI think so.
PennyOh, let me help you up.
SheldonThank you. (Loud sound of farting)
SheldonIf it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.
LeonardHere's my chicken curry. Howard, your shrimp biryani.
HowardThank you, sir.
LeonardPalak paneer, that's Penny.
LeonardAnd for Rajesh Koothrappali, from whose homeland these tasty dishes originate, one large order of chicken McNuggets.
PennyHey, what's my share?
LeonardUh, 12 bucks.
PennyOkay, can I get you after Friday when I get paid?
PennyWhat am I up to now?
LeonardWell, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh, a little over fourteen hundred dollars.
Penny(After Raj whispers to Howard and they both laugh) What now?
HowardHe's just expressing his admiration that you don't even have to put out to get free stuff.
PennyIt's not free, I'm gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!
LeonardSheldon, are you gonna join us?
SheldonComing! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a T-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon's face, appears). Greetings, friends.
LeonardGreetings, whatever the hell you are.
Sheldon-botI am a mobile virtual presence device. Recent events have demonstrated to me that my body is too fragile to endure the vicissitudes of the world. Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness, I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner.
Howard(After Raj whispers to him) Really? That's your question? When did he put a ramp in?
Sheldon-bot(To Penny) You're in my spot. This may seem a little odd at first, but over time you'll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
PennyYeah, to be honest, I don't see much difference.
Sheldon-botThank you. That's what I was going for. Now, Leonard, tomorrow, when we go to work, you'll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs. For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces.
LeonardThis is ridiculous. I'm coming to talk to you.
Sheldon-botYou don't know where I am. My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location.
LeonardYou're in your bedroom.
Sheldon-botNo, I'm not.
LeonardI can hear your voice coming from your bedroom. (Goes to his bedroom)
Sheldon-botNo, you can't. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only!
Penny(To Raj and Howard) So, either one of you weirdos wanna buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.
LeonardSheldon, this is ridiculous.
SheldonI'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me.
LeonardI am looking at you.
SheldonNo, you're not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.
LeonardYou cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.
SheldonAt my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
LeonardAt the hands of your roommate?
LeonardThat's how I'm gonna make it look.
SheldonUntil I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.
LeonardFine, but don't expect my help.
SheldonYou have to help, it's in the roommate agreement.
LeonardNo, it's not.
SheldonSection 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.
LeonardI'll be damned.
Sheldon-botThis is delightful.
Sheldon-botIt's much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery vehicular death.
LeonardRefresh my memory. Why didn't I just put you in the trunk?
Sheldon-botBecause I called shotgun. Remember?
Sheldon-botYou seem tense. Perhaps this will relax you.
LeonardI don't wanna listen to music, Sheldon.
Sheldon-botVery well. I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
LeonardExcept in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
Sheldon-botYou mock the sphincter, but, the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
LeonardI was wrong, this is exactly like Knight Rider.
Sheldon-botPerhaps you'd be interested in a different game.
Sheldon-botThis is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I'll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go.
LeonardThat's it. Bye-bye. (Turns off screen.)
Sheldon-bot(Screen switching itself back on) Bazinga.
Sheldon-botI have an override switch.
LeonardI almost died!
Sheldon-botAnd I'm safe and sound in bed. Who's crazy now?
LeonardI'm still gonna go with you.
A corridor at the university.
Sheldon-botHello, Professor Hoskins. Nice to see you, Mindy. Konichi-wa, Dr. Nakamora. Sorry the Swedes disproved your theory. Leonard, my door.
LeonardWhat about it?
Sheldon-botBe a lamb and open it for me.
LeonardWhy? What's the problem?
Sheldon-botYou think you have me stymied, don't you?
LeonardNo, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
HowardOh, look, it's Leonard and R2-D-Bag.
RajThat's my joke. I told it last night. You can't just use it.
Sheldon-botRaj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
Sheldon-botHe's a lamb. You're not.
RajI'm a lamb.
The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon-botIsn't this nice? The pleasures of fellowship and camaraderie without having to tolerate your germy breath on my skin.
HowardI say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
RajThat's two, dude. Write your own jokes.
PennyOh, great. Hi, I'm Penny, I'll be your waitress.
LeonardWhy are you introducing yourself?
PennyI'd rather people not know I have any prior connection to you whatsoever.
Sheldon-botCan you tell me the specials this evening?
PennySheldon, I'm not waiting on you.
Sheldon-botObviously. I don't even have water yet.
PennyBecause you're not here.
Sheldon-botThat's discrimination against the otherwise located. I'm going to have to go over your head. Manager, manager. Oh, Lord, look who it is.
HowardIs that Steve Wozniak?
LeonardI think it is.
Sheldon-botThe Great and Powerful Woz.
LeonardPenny, Steve Wozniak was one of the co-founders of Apple Computer. He and Steve Jobs started it-
PennyYeah, I know who he is. I watch Dancing with the Stars.
Sheldon-botI must speak to him.
LeonardOf course you must.
PennyYou know, there's an Olive Garden down the street. You guys should try it sometime.
Sheldon-botExcuse me, Mr. Wozniak?
Steve WozniakOh, hey. Nice virtual presence device.
Sheldon-botThank you. I just wanna say I'm a big fan. You're my fifteenth favorite technological visionary.
Steve WozniakOnly fifteenth?
Sheldon-botIt's still six spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
Steve WozniakYeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
Sheldon-botOne of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple Two. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
Steve WozniakThanks, we were shooting for nifty. You know, if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you.
Sheldon-botDon't move for 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how the buses are running.
The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2.
SheldonI'm coming, Woz, I'm coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw.
The hallway. Sheldon-bot approaches Penny's door and starts bashing into it.
Sheldon-bot(Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny.
PennyWhat up, Shel-Bot?
Sheldon-botI can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
PennyWhat do you want me to do?
Sheldon-botSing me Soft Kitty.
PennyReally, you want me to sing Soft Kitty to a computer monitor?
Sheldon-botWould you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
PennySoft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Sheldon-botCloser to the microphone.
PennyHappy kitty, sleepy-
Sheldon-botNo. You have to start over.
PennySoft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.