The Cheesecake Factory.
RajI'm telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.
SheldonYes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you'd be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derrière would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.
RajOh, you're so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.
SheldonYou're wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.
HowardI love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
LeonardYeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.
RajHas it occurred to you you're missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data-
SheldonOh, Penny? Penny?
SheldonNothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.
Howard(After Raj whispers to him) No, no, no. He won. Suck it up.
PennyWell, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard's lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
LeonardHang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
PennyYou want the fruit platter?
LeonardDoes it have melon on it?
LeonardNo, I can't eat melon.
PennyOh, Howard, heads-up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.
LeonardWhen was the last time you saw her?
HowardOh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table).
SheldonHello. I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
RajIt's one of his best moves.
Howard's bedroom. Howard enters in a silk dressing gown, puts on romantic music and sets up mood lighting. Gets onto bed.
HowardSo, my dear, we meet again.
Katee SackhoffHello, Howard. I've missed you.
HowardI've missed you, Katee Sackhoff.
Katee SackhoffOne question.
Katee SackhoffWhy am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed?
HowardWhy are you in bed with me? If we start to question this, it all falls apart.
Katee SackhoffSorry. Oh, ravish me, Howard. My loins ache for you.
HowardOkay, if you insist.
Mrs WolowitzHoward, have you seen my girdle?!
Mrs WolowitzI can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
HowardMaybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone! Now, where were we?
BernadetteI believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
HowardBernadette? What're you doing here?
Katee SackhoffWell, if I had to guess, I'd say I'm here because you saw me earlier this evening, and you're still hung up on me.
HowardNo, I'm not.
Katee SackhoffClearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we'd be done by now.
HowardOkay, I'm a little confused here.
George TakeiOh, my. Can I help?
HowardNot that kind of confused.
BernadetteWhat's George Takei doing here?
Katee SackhoffHoward, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
HowardNo, of course not.
George TakeiSo you say. Yet, here I am.
Katee SackhoffGeorge, let me ask you something. How did you deal with being typecast as a science fiction icon?
George TakeiIt's difficult. You try and stretch as an actor, do Strindberg, O'Neill, but all they want is, Course laid in, Captain.
Katee SackhoffTell me about it. It's fracking frustrating.
HowardWait. Katee, why are you leaving?
BernadetteShe's leaving because you really wanna be with me.
Mrs WolowitzHoward, I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!
Mrs WolowitzI think it shrunk! I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!
HowardAnd with that mental picture, I think we're done for the evening.
The university cafeteria.
LeonardYou know, you never told me what happened between you and Bernadette.
HowardI did a stupid thing.
LeonardYeah, I guessed that.
HowardIt was the kind of thing that makes it kinda hard to face her now.
LeonardThat covers anything from farting in bed to killing a homeless guy. Oh, my God. You ran over a hobo.
HowardNo. Stop asking.
LeonardAll right, fine. So you wanna get back together with her, but you're too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did.
HowardIn a nutshell.
LeonardOkay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn't know it's you.
HowardNow, you see, I don't know if you're kidding or not.
RajYou're being unreasonable. Why can't I have a desk?
SheldonOur collaboration is a work of the mind. We don't need desks.
RajYou have a desk.
RajBut I can't have one.
SheldonYou're two for two.
LeonardWhy can't he have a desk, Sheldon?
SheldonOh, Lord, will this day never end? As I've explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it's convenient, there's absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.
RajOh, but there's money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?
HowardOkay, what if he buys his own desk?
RajYeah, what if I buy my own desk?
SheldonIt's my office.
SheldonAll right, all right. He can buy his own desk.
RajAnd I can put it in your office?
SheldonWell, you really wanna dot the I's and cross the T's, don't you?
LeonardWhy would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
SheldonThey do some of their best work at night.
Penny's apartment. She is gathering laundry.
Penny(Picking up a top and sniffing it) Ah, it's okay.
SheldonPenny? Penny? Penny? (She opens door. Howard is stood outside with a hand-held voice recorder.) Penny?
HowardWould you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
PennyNot since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.
HowardI just have a question. Does Bernadette ever talk about me?
PennyYeah, sure. Just yesterday, she asked, why is Howard hiding under the table?
HowardShe saw that, huh?
PennyOh, no, not at first. Right after I pointed it out.
HowardLet me ask you something else. Is she seeing anybody?
PennyUh, not that I know of. Hey, while we're on the subject, why did you guys break up anyway?
HowardOh, I'd rather not say.
PennyHoward, if you want my help, I've gotta know what happened.
HowardBut it's embarrassing.
PennyYeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.
HowardOkay. Well, you know World of Warcraft?
PennyThe online game? Sure.
HowardWell, did you know that the characters in the game can have sex with each other?
PennyOh, God. I think I see where this is going.
HowardHer name was Glissinda the Troll. Bernadette walked in on me while we were doing the cyber-nasty under the Bridge of Souls.
PennyOh, you're right. That is so embarrassing.
HowardWould you talk to her?
PennyBernadette or the troll?
HowardBernadette. She was so mad at me, she wouldn't even listen to my side of the story.
PennyWell, what was your side?
HowardWell, for all we know, Glissinda the Troll wasn't even a real woman. I mean, she could've been a 50-year-old truck driver in New Jersey.
PennyReally? And that didn't make her feel better?
HowardWill you talk to her, see if there's any chance at all we could get back together?
PennyOh, gee, Howard, I really don't wanna get in the middle of this.
HowardNo. Why would you? I'm just another lonely nerd, living with his mother, trying to find any scrap of happiness he can. You know, maybe to make up for the fact that his dad left him when he was 11.
PennyOkay, I will think about it.
HowardYou know, I've always blamed myself, for him leaving. I always thought it was because I wasn't the son he wanted.
PennyYeah, I said I'd think about it.
HowardI wasn't athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly.
PennyOkay, fine. Look, look, I'm calling her now! See?
A corridor at the university.
LeonardSo anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.
SheldonWhy on earth are you telling me all this?
LeonardI don't know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you're not a real boy.
(Sheldon opens his office door. It bangs against a desk. Inside, Raj is sat behind a huge, ornate antique wooden desk in an enormous antique swivel chair.)
RajYou said I could buy a desk.
SheldonThis isn't a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.
RajIs that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk?
SheldonIt's actually British.
RajCan you say it again for me?
RajOne more time?
RajNow three times fast?
SheldonBrobdingnagian, Brobdingna- How did you even get it in here?
RajThat's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.
SheldonAll right, you've made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.
RajI have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day.
SheldonAll right, if you're not going to remove it, I'll remove it for you.
RajKnock yourself out.
SheldonHelp me move my desk.
RajNo. It's too Brobdingnagian.
SheldonWhy do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.
RajWell, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot-on.
SheldonAll right, I see what's going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.
SheldonStand by for my upcoming tat.
RajNo. See what I did there? I turned it around.
The Cheesecake Factory.
BernadetteSorry, I had to clock out.
HowardOh, no, that's okay. How've you been?
BernadetteOkay. You know, busy, school, work. You?
HowardSame. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I'm terrified of the ocean.
HowardYou wouldn't know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit, boy's large? Yeah, forget it. Not important. So, are you seeing anyone?
BernadetteWell, to be honest, I-
PennyHey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you something to drink?
HowardUh, not for me, thanks.
PennyAre you gonna wanna order food?
HowardSo, are you seeing anybody?
PennyThat's what I told him when he asked me. I hope that's not out of line.
BernadetteNo, it's fine.
HowardPenny, can we have a little privacy?
PennyOh. I'm sorry. (Leaves)
BernadetteWhat about you, have you been seeing anybody?
HowardWell, you know how it is with guys. I mean, we have needs and-
BernadetteSo you've been seeing other girls?
HowardWell, not real girls.
BernadetteDoes that mean slutty trolls?
PennyYou know, you look thirsty. I brought you some iced tea.
PennyIt's passion fruit, new on the menu.
BernadetteI know. I work here.
PennyOh, sorry. Yeah, you're right. Doy. So, Howard, trolls, yay or nay?
HowardIsn't there somewhere else you can be?
PennyNot where I can hear you guys.
HowardOkay, fine. I'll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the Internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones. But the only reason I go there, the only reason I've ever gone there is because I don't have a real woman in my life. You happy?
PennyYeah, that'll hold me for a while.
BernadetteHoward, you did have a real woman. I was right there in the next room while you were clicking that troll's brains out.
HowardYeah, but we weren't, I-I mean, you and I never-
BernadetteWell, whose fault was that?
PennyComplimentary nachos! You enjoy. Never had sex? Wow.
HowardWhat do you mean, whose fault was that?
BernadetteWell, we could've been having sex, but you never made the move.
HowardI didn't think you wanted me to make the move.
BernadetteHoward, a girl doesn't go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter and your tight hoochie pants if she's not expecting him to eventually make the move.
HowardSon of a bitch.
PennyHey, this is a little awkward, but my manager says I can't actually give nachos away. So, just take that when you're ready. (Puts down the check)
HowardYeah, we had a really great talk, and we're gonna start seeing each other again.
LeonardOh, congratulations. Have you broken it to the troll yet?
HowardDid Penny tell you about that?
LeonardNo. Steve Patterson told me.
HowardThe greasy old fat guy in Facilities Management?
HowardHow'd he know about it?
LeonardHe's Glissinda the troll.
Raj(In Sheldon's office) Sorry, dude, the thermostat's on my side of the room, so it stays Mumbai hot in here until you turn off that stupid Indian music!
SheldonI'll turn off the music when you get rid of that salmonella-ridden parakeet!
RajOh, too bad! Sheldon's pathologically afraid of birds! Hey, look, Sheldon! Birdie, birdie, birdie!
SheldonThat's it! Prepare for marshmallow death!
RajEat flaming Nerf!
[Leonard open the door and then closes it nonchalantly.]
LeonardSo anyway, that's great news about you and Bernadette.
HowardYeah. I think I'm gonna take her to miniature golf.
LeonardAh. Well, I guess for you guys that's like regular golf.
HowardShort jokes? Really? You're, like, a quarter of an inch taller than me.
LeonardYeah, and don't you forget it.
HowardI had a good time.
Katee SackhoffKiss her good night. All right, now a little tongue.
George TakeiHold on there. We've only just rekindled the romance. Let's not sully the moment with the exchange of saliva.
Katee SackhoffDon't listen to him. She wants it. Tongue. Luh-luh-luh-luh-luh. See? Now make the move.
George TakeiMm-mmm. Too soon.
Katee SackhoffTrust me, she's ready. Make the move.
George TakeiNo, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed, courted slowly.
Katee SackhoffHow would you know?
George TakeiI read.
Katee SackhoffListen to me, Howard, it's time. Make the move, now.
BernadetteMm! What're you doing?
HowardYou said, well, the move, remember?
BernadetteOh, not now. We're starting a new relationship. I need to get to know you again.
HowardNo, you don't. It's me. The lusty charmer with the fancy patter and the hoochie pants.
BernadetteBe patient, we'll get there.
George TakeiTold you.
LeonardOh, God, what's that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon's door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo!
LeonardWhat are you doing in there?
SheldonI'm making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.
RajIt's not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
SheldonWell, we'll just see how long you can hold out.
RajWell, we'll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.
LeonardDidn't you say you're making hydrogen sulphide gas?
LeonardIsn't that flammable?
SheldonHighly. Oh, dear. (Explosion)
RajThis is not over.