The university cafeteria. HowardGagh!
LeonardProblem?
HowardThis is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker.
SheldonAmusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.
RajHey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya.
SheldonExcuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don't give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say, your sister Priya.
PriyaOh, Sheldon. You haven't changed a bit, have you?
SheldonWhy would I change?
LeonardThe hope's been that you'd eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA?
PriyaI have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.
RajCan you believe it? Little Priya's one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.
SheldonGiven that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it's actually extremely plausible.
LeonardAnd your poll numbers just keep dropping.
PriyaI want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo.
LeonardI'm going too, I'll show you where it is.
RajAlright, this goes without saying, but I'm just gonna say it anyway. Hands off my sister.
SheldonWhy would I touch her, she's covered with airplane germs.
RajI'm so not talking to you. I'm talking to him.
HowardHey, I've got a girlfriend now.
RajOh please. My sister's much hotter than your girlfriend and you know it.
HowardLet's just agree they're both hot.
RajDude, that's my sister you're talking about.
HowardOkay, forget who's hotter. The first time Priya came to LA, Leonard and I made a pact out of respect to our friendship, and to you, that neither of us would hit on her.
RajDid you pinky swear?
HowardYes.
RajOkay then.
SheldonCobbler. I'm still laughing. A corridor. PriyaIt's really nice to see you again Leonard.
LeonardYeah. It's good to see you too. Here you go.
PriyaThanks. (Grabs him and kisses him.)
LeonardWhoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. (Looks around) Okay. (They kiss again) The cafeteria. HowardSo, you got any special plans with your sister?
RajOh, not really, just hang out.
SheldonI always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.
RajTrain day?
SheldonThe fun starts with brunch at Carney's in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we're off to the glitz and glamor of Hollywood for dinner at, that's right, the Hollywood Carney's, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
RajI don't think we're gonna do that.
SheldonWell then apparently, you hate fun.
LeonardHmm, Priya's not back yet? Well, I guess that's not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?
RajUh, my plans with Priya.
SheldonHe rejected train day.
LeonardDid you make it clear that it's two different train cars turned into hot dog stands?
SheldonAbundantly.
LeonardI guess he just hates fun.
SheldonThat's what I said.
PriyaOkay, so, what's new with you guys.
HowardI have a girlfriend now.
PriyaHey, good for you.
HowardYeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. (To Raj) Happy? (Raj nods).
LeonardSo, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you're here.
PriyaI don't know, I just have the one day.
SheldonDo you like trains?
PriyaNot particularly.
SheldonYou might as well just wait at the airport for your flight. The apartment. Sheldon is on his laptop. SheldonYou are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It's locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.
LeonardIt's getting pretty late, how come you're still up?
SheldonI've found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.
LeonardThat's pretty cool.
SheldonOh yes. It runs on the world's most powerful graphics chip, imagination.
LeonardYou've really got to get out more.
SheldonGo north. You can't go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don't have the sword. Good golly, it's as if it's actually happening to me.
Priya(At door) Raj finally went to bed.
LeonardYeah, (Closes the door behind him and kisses her in the hallway) Sheldon's still up.
PriyaYou said he goes to bed at nine.
LeonardYeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and-
SheldonHit troll with ax. Hit troll with ax. Hit troll with ax. Oh my, this is one tough troll.
PriyaCan't you get rid of him?
LeonardIf the past is any indication, no.
SheldonLeonard, I'm trapped in quicksand, the ax is dragging me down.
LeonardDrop ax.
SheldonDrop ax. Brilliant.
LeonardGive me a minute. (Enters the apartment) Sheldon,
SheldonHold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.
LeonardSheldon, you need to work in the morning.
SheldonI know.
LeonardWell then, bed, mister.
SheldonFive more minutes.
LeonardReally? You're gonna risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.
SheldonEveryone will see my oddly shaped uvula.
LeonardYou don't want that, do you?
SheldonNo. But it's a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?
LeonardOh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.
SheldonThat's unacceptable. We're supposed to be given written notice.
LeonardNo, no, it doesn't matter, we'll be at work.
SheldonWell, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there's no water for an enzyme soak.
LeonardBifurcated uvula, Sheldon!
SheldonI'll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.
Leonard(To Priya) We're gonna have to be very quiet.
SheldonI know how to get the bucket! I can turn the ax around (Priya jumps over the couch and hides) and use the handle to reach it. Let's see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I'm lost. Well, I'll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.
LeonardNo, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I'll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times? (Priya sneaks into Leonard's room)
SheldonYes.
LeonardYou're right, you're lost, good luck. (Goes into his room) Leonard's bedroom. Morning. PriyaOh! Leonard, wake up.
LeonardHuh! Sorry!
PriyaFor what?
LeonardI don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, it's just, it's my go to response.
PriyaIt's six o' clock, I have to get back to Raj's before he wakes up and realises I'm gone.
LeonardOh, right, sure. I wish you could stay in LA a while longer.
PriyaMmm. Me too.
LeonardYou know, I was thinking, there are some great research facilities in India.
PriyaWhere are you going with this, Leonard?
LeonardWell, I'm just saying, I don't have any real ties here, so if I were to move to New Delhi we could, you know, go out.
PriyaLeonard, didn't we have this conversation five years ago.
LeonardWell, yes, but, things have changed, you know, you're older, I'm older. Look, no more superhero bedsheets.
PriyaSweetheart, just because we have fun when I come to town doesn't mean I want to have a serious relationship.
LeonardIt doesn't?
PriyaMm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They'd have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India.
LeonardI'm not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that's not the right kind of Indian but it is something.
PriyaAha, you're funny.
SheldonLeonard. Leonard. Leonard.
LeonardWhat?
SheldonI heard a woman laughing.
LeonardOh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman.
SheldonOh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.
LeonardAir freshener.
SheldonAnd is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.
LeonardUh, rash, that's a bad rash.
SheldonMy sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?
LeonardUh, yeah, yeah, that-that sounds great.
SheldonVery well, I'm sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.
LeonardOkay, he's in the bathroom, let's go.
SheldonDo you prefer ointment or cream?
LeonardUh, cream.
SheldonWith or without a numbing agent?
LeonardWithout.
SheldonReally? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.
LeonardFine. With.
SheldonPrescription or non-prescription strength.
LeonardUse your best judgement.
SheldonWell, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It's usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with nonmucosal body parts.
LeonardSounds great.
SheldonExcellent choice.
Leonard(Whispering) Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.)
SheldonPriya?
PriyaGood morning, Sheldon.
SheldonFor shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think, I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you. Leonard's car. LeonardMaking pretty good time, huh?
SheldonIs that really what you wanna talk about, Leonard?
LeonardNo.
SheldonWhat do you want to talk about?
LeonardPlease don't tell anyone I spent the night with Raj's sister.
SheldonThere it is. What if someone asks?
LeonardNo-one's going to ask if I spent the night with Raj's sister.
SheldonPerhaps. But they might ask me something else.
LeonardLike what?
SheldonLike, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?
LeonardPriya and I are both adults. We didn't betray Raj.
SheldonIn fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.
LeonardWhat are you talking about?
SheldonApril 12th, 2005, Bob's Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob's Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.
LeonardOkay, fine, I betrayed Howard.
SheldonAnd Raj.
LeonardAlright, and Raj.
SheldonAnd me.
LeonardYou?
SheldonViolation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.
LeonardOkay fine, I'm, I'm a horrible human being, I'm the Darth Vader of Pasadena.
SheldonYou're far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.
LeonardMy point is, Priya's gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.
SheldonYou mean, you want me to keep a secret.
LeonardYes.
SheldonYou know I can't keep a secret.
LeonardYou can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret. Right?
SheldonWhy do you get to be Batman?
LeonardBecause, Batman has the secret.
SheldonWell Alfred has secrets too.
LeonardLike what?
SheldonAlfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman. See, I can't keep a secret. Leonard's lab. SheldonTa-da!
LeonardWhat.
SheldonTa-da. It's short for da-da-da-da!
LeonardKind of busy here, Sheldon.
SheldonI know, that's why I shortened it.
LeonardWhat do you want.
SheldonI came to go over your alibi for last night.
LeonardWhat alibi?
SheldonYou've asked me to lie, on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonesty, so, I've provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn't have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.
LeonardOh, I'm so sure I'm gonna regret this, but, who was I with?
SheldonThe fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.
LeonardOh, God.
SheldonYou met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.
Leonard(Reading a napkin Sheldon has handed him) Leonard, call me if you're interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.
SheldonAnd if anyone were to actually call that number, they will hear, this.
Mechanical voice on Sheldon's phoneTop of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.
SheldonIt's pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn't even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie's flaming auburn hair.
LeonardWhere did you get that?
SheldonFrom an orangutan in the primate lab.
LeonardAn orangutan?
SheldonWell, no-one's going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.
LeonardSheldon, I don't need an alibi. Nobody's going to ask about last night as long as you just zip your lip. (Sheldon makes lip zipping movement.) Thank you. Now don't worry, everything is gonna be fine. (Sheldon writes "I doubt it" on Leonard's whiteboard. The cafeteria. LeonardHey.
RajHey, Leonard, will you please tell Howard my sister's never been attracted to him.
LeonardCome on Raj, how am I supposed to know who she's attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to in the future.
SheldonAnd I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya's preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.
RajHey, so what did you guys think of the new episode of Caprica last night?
LeonardI didn't see it.
HowardDidn't see it? What were you doing?
LeonardUh, I was out.
RajOn Caprica night?
LeonardYeah, I, uh, went for a drink.
HowardReally, you, and where, where did you go?
LeonardTo, uh, Lucky Baldwin's.
SheldonOh, I've heard of that place, isn't that Pasadena's favorite Irish watering hole?
LeonardYes.
SheldonDid you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?
LeonardAs a matter of fact, I- I- I can't- I can't- I can't do it.
SheldonSure you can, you're doing fine, it's very believable.
LeonardI'm sorry, Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.
SheldonDon't listen to him, he's still lightheaded from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.
RajWhat were you doing with Priya?
SheldonI believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?
RajWhat? You slept with my sister?
LeonardYeah.
HowardHow could you? We had a pact!
RajExcuse me, I think how could you she's my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear!
SheldonMay I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.
LeonardI- I admit it, I may have crossed a line here, but come on, Raj, your sister is a grown woman. And to her, I'm a forbidden piece of white chocolate.
RajI- I don't believe it, this is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
LeonardNo, no, no, would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and she kind of stomped on it.
RajHow hard did she stomp?
LeonardVery hard.
RajOkay, I'm good.
HowardYeah, well, Raj, I just wanna say that I'd never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
LeonardReally?
HowardMmm.
LeonardWas it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
RajDude! I put that thing on my face!
SheldonI think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
HowardHey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy snow cone maker.
RajThat was all a lie? This year's gifts are already wrapped!
HowardAnd as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food.
SheldonWell, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.
LeonardYou put moths in my food?
SheldonFor science.
RajI can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.
LeonardWell, uh, I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush.
SheldonYou used my toothbrush?
RajNot the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
LeonardOkay, I, I, I think it's safe to say that we've all done some things we're not particularly proud of. But come on, we're friends. Friends overlook each other's minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I'm sorry that I broke our pact.
HowardThank you. I'm sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we're at it, you don't have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.
RajAs long as we're apologizing, Sheldon, I'm, I'm sorry I used your toothbrush.
SheldonAnd I'm sorry. But that behavior is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.
RajI got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving.
SheldonWith real puffing smoke?
RajYes.
SheldonAlright. But I'm watching you. The apartment. Sheldon is making snow cones. LeonardHey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snow cone?
SheldonWell, sure.
LeonardThese are pretty god, what flavor is this?
SheldonGuess.
LeonardPapaya?
SheldonNo.
LeonardGuava?
SheldonYou're so close.
LeonardI give up.
SheldonMango, caterpillar. (Leonard spit it out and throws it in a trash can) What are you doing? You said you liked it!