The apartment. PennyOkay, help me out here. How does an archaeology professor get that good with a whip?
HowardMaybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.
LeonardI can't believe you've never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark.
PennyAnd I can't believe you've never read Eat, Pray, Love.
LeonardWhen she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I'll read it.
Howard(After Raj whispers to him) I don't care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I'm not reading it.
PennyYou know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
SheldonThat's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's Thriller video, which I've never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it's really scary.
LeonardWould someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
SheldonThere's no switch. Just listen and learn.
HowardPenny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.
PennyWell, I'm watching it now. Why would I wanna see it again on Friday?
SheldonBecause the print they're showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.
PennyWhat, 21 seconds? That'll be like seeing a whole new movie!
LeonardExactly. They say it finally solves the submarine controversy.
SheldonDid Leonard? I'm no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I'm eight for twenty six this month.
PennyYeah, I think I'll pass. But you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
LeonardBet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.
PennyMm, yeah, no, we wouldn't.
HowardUh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too. The Cheesecake Factory. SheldonMay I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?
LeonardRelax, it's five o'clock. The movie doesn't start till midnight.
SheldonAnother way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it's already five o'clock. Let's go.
HowardYou know, if we miss it, we'll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.
SheldonSee? Howard's on my side.
HowardActually, I'm not. I'm using sarcasm to mock you.
SheldonDrat. Now I'm 8 for 27.
LeonardDon't worry, Sheldon. We'll be fine.
SheldonWhat happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?
LeonardOh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn't wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.
SheldonBut how were our seats?
LeonardExcellent.
SheldonI rest my case. Amy, don't you agree we should leave now and get in line?
AmyActually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I'll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.
SheldonShrewd.
AmyLeonard, you're right. We should enjoy our meal, arrive late, and risk winding up with terrible seats, assuming we get in at all.
LeonardThank you, Amy.
AmySee? It's working.
BernadetteKnock-knock.
HowardWho's there?
BernadetteOlive.
HowardOlive you, too.
LeonardGuys, that's really starting to get old.
HowardKnock-knock.
LeonardWho's there?
HowardI have a girlfriend and you don't.
LeonardHysterical!
SheldonWait, now, we don't know that yet. He isn't finished. I have a girlfriend and you don't who?
HowardSo. Are you sure you don't wanna come with us to Raiders?
BernadetteOh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab. Besides, Penny and I are having a girls' night tonight.
AmyGirls' night? What does that entail?
BernadetteOh, you know, girls get together, hang out, share girl talk.
AmyI'm a girl.
BernadetteOh. Well, maybe you can join us. I'll ask Penny.
AmyNo need. Penny and I are very close.
LeonardYou are?
AmyYes. In fact, our menses are synchronized. (Goes to the bar) Penny. Bernadette tells me you're planning a girls' night.
PennyYeah?
AmyI'm a girl.
PennyOh. Um, it was, it was just gonna be me and Bernadette. Besides, I thought you were going to the movies with Sheldon and the guys.
AmyYes, but they're not girls. I'm a girl.
PennyYeah, no, no, I-I-I got that.
AmyWhat's the dress code?
PennyUh, just wear something comfortable.
AmyAll right. I'll have to go shopping.
SheldonKnock-knock.
LeonardWho's there?
SheldonHugh.
LeonardHugh who?
SheldonHugh people need to listen to me. It's time to get in line for the movie. And that's how you tell a knock-knock joke. The movie theatre. The line is incredibly long. SheldonUnder normal circumstances I'd say, I told you so. But as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already, the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase I informed you thusly.
HowardOoh. Can't wait for that to start.
SheldonI informed you thusly.
RajEight for 28.
SheldonThis is where we could've been if we hadn't stopped for dinner. This is where we could've been if Koothrappali hadn't ordered dessert.
RajWell I earned it, dude, I ate all my broccoli.
SheldonAnd here's where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.
LeonardSo I guess it's a good thing we stopped for dinner.
RajYou know, guys, when facing disappointment, Eat, Pray, Love teaches us–
HowardOh, shut up. Penny's apartment. AmySo anyway, to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.
PennyYou know, Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn't just have to be about our lady parts.
AmyShame. 'Cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.
BernadettePenny, your nails look great.
PennyOh, thanks. I found this place in Alhambra. It's in a woman's basement. I think it's a front for human trafficking, but they do a really good job.
AmyA colleague of mine did her graduate thesis on the fungus that grows on improperly sterilized manicure implements. Well don't tell me that's not girl talk.
PennySo where should we go tonight? A bar? A club? A movie?
BernadetteOr we could just stay here.
AmyYes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever. Or BFF, if you prefer. Which I don't.
PennyAll right, time to open Bachelor Number Two.
BernadetteGee, I don't know if I should drink more. I have to drive home, and I've got enough trouble seeing over the dashboard as it is.
PennyThat's okay. You can just sleep here.
AmyOh, good, a slumber party! We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!
PennyOh, gosh, Amy. I don't know if I would call this an actual slumber party.
AmyWell, that's disappointing. I've always wanted to be invited to a slumber party.
BernadetteOh, you never were?
PennyNot even when you were a kid?
AmyWell, there was the time I had my tonsils out, and I shared a room with a little Vietnamese girl. She didn't make it through the night, but up till then, it was kinda fun.
PennyOkay. Well, I guess we're having a slumber party. (Amy hits her with a pillow) Oh!
AmyPillow fight! The movie line. LeonardOh, I hope they let us in soon. I'm tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time. A vicious circle.
HowardToo bad you don't have a stadium pal like me.
LeonardWhat's a stadium pal?
HowardLet me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.
RajHey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre and the length of this line, we might not get seats.
SheldonWhat did he say?
LeonardNice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap.
SheldonWe might not get seats?
LeonardIt's fine, it's fine. Go back to sleep.
SheldonOh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly.
LeonardHoward, you talk to him. Howard? You're peeing, aren't you?
Wil WheatonHey, look who's here! Hey, buddies!
SheldonWell, if it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.
WilMee-sa think that very funny.
SheldonWell, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Theatre StaffWil Wheaton.
WilYeah.
Theatre StaffI'm a big fan.
SheldonOf what? Poorly executed beards?
WilDo you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late.
Theatre StaffNo problem. Come on, I'll hook you up.
WilOh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye.
SheldonThis is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.
LeonardCalm down, Sheldon.
SheldonI will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!
Leonard(To Howard) Had to wake him up from his nap, didn't you? Penny's apartment. BernadetteYou know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.
PennyHoward has a hairy chest?
BernadetteNo, just the one. But it's really long.
PennyOkay, there you go, Sultry Sunrise Red. What do you think?
AmyMy nails have never looked so pretty before. Get it off. The movie line. RajOh, oh, uh, looks like they're getting ready to let people in.
SheldonListen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.
LeonardWhy do you read his Twitter feed? You know it's only gonna upset you.
SheldonI believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I'm a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello? Penny's apartment. PennyAnd that, girls, is how you make a phony phone call.
AmyI'm not sure I grasp the full entertainment value, but all right. Next on Wikipedia's list of slumber party activities, Truth or Dare.
PennyOkay, it's your game. You go first.
AmyHang on. I'm familiarizing myself with the rules. Seems fairly straightforward. Bernadette, truth or dare?
BernadetteTruth.
AmyAll right. To what temperature must you heat beef in order to kill the prion that causes bovine spongiform encephalopathy?
BernadetteUm.
AmyRemember, you have to answer honestly.
PennyWait. No, Amy, you're supposed to ask her something personal or embarrassing.
AmyOh. All right. What is the circumference of your areolas? The movie line. SheldonMunching on complimentary popcorn. Woot, woot. Oh, the gall. I hope his next tweet is popcorn lodged in trachea, choking to death, woot, woot.
Theatre staffGuys, I am sorry. We are full up.
SheldonNo!
Theatre staffWe're full up.
LeonardWe really wanna see this. Is there anything you can do?
Theatre staffSorry. Fire regulations. Should've gotten here earlier.
SheldonThis is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don't.
Theatre staff'Cause I'm the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.
HowardI guess that's that. Let's go home.
SheldonYou know what? I'm going back to I told you so. I told you so.
RajWe can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.
SheldonLook, a side door. Come on, Short Round.
HowardI guess we'd better go after him.
LeonardShort Round?
RajIndy's young sidekick from Temple of Doom.
LeonardYeah, I know who it is, but why is it me?
RajYou're right. It should be a cuddly Asian boy. Like me. Penny's apartment. AmyAnd Absolon hath kist hir nether yayeh, and Nicholas is scalded in the towte. This tale is doon, and God save al the rowte."
PennyWhat the hell was that?
AmyBernadette dared me to tell a dirty story. The Miller's Tale by Chaucer is the dirtiest story I know. It would've been hidden in sock drawers if people in the 14th century had worn socks.
BernadetteI thought it was pretty spicy. Especially the part where he kisses her nether yayeh.
AmyYou might not like it as much if you knew what nether yayeh meant. Hint, if one cares about hygiene, one ought not be kissing it.
BernadetteOkay, my turn. Penny, truth or dare?
PennyTruth.
BernadetteWhy are you still hanging out with Leonard so much even though you broke up with him?
AmyOh, that's an excellent question. For two people who claim to be no longer pair-bonded, you spend an inordinate amount of time in each other's company.
BernadetteYeah.
PennyDare.
AmyI don't believe the rules allow for an ex post facto option change.
BernadetteYeah.
PennyOkay, look, just because we're not seeing each other anymore doesn't mean we can't be friends. I mean, Leonard's a great guy.
AmyThen, why did you terminate your relationship with him?
PennyI don't know. He got really serious, and I wasn't ready for it.
AmyInteresting. How will you react if, in the future, you become ready for it, and Leonard is unavailable, because another woman has realized that he is, to use your words, a great guy?
PennyYou can only ask one question.
Amy & Bernadette(In unison) That one.
PennyYou know what, I don't wanna play anymore.
AmyWell, I'm not sure how this is scored, but I believe we may have won. The movie theatre. LeonardSheldon? Sheldon?
HowardWhere did he go? (Raj whistles) We're looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.
SheldonYou whistled?
LeonardWhat is that?
SheldonRaiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can't see it, no one else can see it.
LeonardSheldon, this is crazy.
SheldonNo. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.
LeonardListen to me. You are over-tired. You're not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.
SheldonTrouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer Trouble.
Wil WheatonOh, look who they let in.
SheldonDon't worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!
HowardCome on, Short Round.
LeonardYeah. Outside the movie theatre. SheldonDa-da-da-da, da-da-da!
RajCome on, guys! Hurry up! Hurry up!
HowardLet's see you run with a bag of urine strapped to your leg.
WilHe's got the movie! Get him!
SheldonWhy is there never a pontoon plane when you need one? Penny's apartment. BernadetteShe's been in there a long time.
AmyClearly, losing Truth or Dare upset her. Perhaps we should try to take her mind off it with another popular slumber party activity.
BernadetteOoh, like what?
AmyWell, the Internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.
BernadetteWhere exactly on the Internet have you been looking?
AmyPenny?
PennyOh, hey, Amy. Look, I'm sorry I got so upset. I just,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa! What are you doing?
AmyDon't worry. I'll avoid the nether yayeh.
BernadetteI might've gone with eating raw cookie dough.