SheldonClarify something for me. Isn't the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?
LeonardIt is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.
SheldonWell, we could argue about who said what all night long, but, to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.
SheldonWhat is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.
RajFive million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
SheldonWrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.
Sheldon73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?
LeonardWe get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
SheldonChuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.
RajJust for the record, when you enter five million three hundred eighteen thousand and eight in a calculator, upside-down it spells boobies.
LeonardRemember when you were wondering why the girls didn't wanna eat with us tonight?
HowardYeah, I get it now.
PennyI love your little heart locket, Bernadette.
BernadetteOh, thanks. Howard gave it to me. It's the cutest thing. Every time I have dinner with his mom, the next day I get jewellery.
AmyDid you know that the iconic Valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?
PennyOh, so I spent seventh grade dotting my I's with little asses? (Amy nods) Cool.
ZackHey, Penny, how's it going?
PennyHey, Zack, what are you doing here?
ZackMy dad's company prints the menus for this place. I'm just dropping off some new ones laminated. Makes 'em easier to clean if people throw up on 'em. Guess how I got the idea?
PennyYeah, I got it, I got it. Uh, Zack, these are my friends Bernadette and Amy.
ZackOkay, well, it was good to see you.
PennyYeah, you, too.
BernadetteHe's really cute. How do you know him?
PennyOh, we went out a couple of times.
AmyI'm often flummoxed by current slang. Does went out mean had intercourse?
PennyNo, no. But in this case, yes.
AmyInteresting. And was it not satisfactory?
PennyNo, it was great. He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.
BernadetteCouldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
PennyWouldn't help. Zack can't even spell NPR.
BernadetteIt's what I do with Howard. I'm much smarter than he is. But it's important to protect his manhood.
Amy(Sees Zack bending over) Hoo.
BernadetteWhat's the matter?
AmyI'm suddenly feeling flushed. My heart rate is elevated, my palms are clammy, my mouth is dry. In addition, I keep involuntarily saying hoo.
PennyOh, we know what's causing that, don't we?
AmyIt's no mystery. I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden-onset Tourette's syndrome.
The university cafeteria.
HowardDid you hear about the accident at the bio lab?
LeonardNo. What happened?
HowardThey were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes and one of the techs got bit.
RajDid he get superpowers?
HowardNo, he got five stitches and a tetanus shot.
RajOh. Well, that's disappointing.
RajWell, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab, you kinda wanna turn into a superhero.
HowardYeah, but who'd wanna become Rat-Man?
RajWho wouldn't? You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound. And the best part is, if I were Rat-Man, you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy.
RajOh, you don't like Mouse Boy? How about, uh, Kid Vermin?
HowardFirst of all, if we had superpowers, I wouldn't be the sidekick. You'd be the sidekick.
RajRat-Man is nobody's sidekick.
HowardLeonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
RajYeah, Leonard, who?
Leonard12 years after high school, and I'm still at the nerd table.
SheldonAren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?
AmyIt's too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it's fine.
SheldonWell, you're the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.
AmyVery well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.
AmyNow, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.
SheldonAre you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.
AmyNo, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I'm checking my vital signs every hour.
SheldonI'd be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.
AmyOh, that sounds like fun.
SheldonAll right. What were the symptoms?
AmyElevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.
SheldonLocalized to what region?
AmyEars and genitalia.
SheldonInteresting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.
AmyI was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny's friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.
SheldonThen why did you ask?
SheldonAll right, let's start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?
AmyWhy do you keep saying Zack?
SheldonBecause you keep saying who.
AmyI'm not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night.
SheldonAnd the answer was Zack, correct?
AmyThere was no question. I simply said hoo.
SheldonAll right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.
AmyWhere would I have picked up an alien parasite?
HowardThere you are.
HowardLet me ask you a question. What are you most afraid of?
RajI don't know. Um, nuclear war. Accidentally being buried alive. Any of those movies where you get that phone call that says you're going to die, and then you do.
HowardNo. Something very specific that we both know you, Rajesh Koothrappali, are terrified of.
RajWell, type two diabetes runs in my family. The thought of losing a toe-
HowardSpiders! You're afraid of spiders! (Sets a jar on the table)
RajWhat the heck is this?
HowardA jar with a big spider in it, of course. Bravery test. First one to take his hand out, is the sidekick. (Sticks his hand into the jar)
RajAre you crazy?
HowardPerhaps. Are you scared?
RajNo. But it's a stupid test.
HowardOh, really? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to stick your hand in a jar with a spider?
RajOh, yeah? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to take a shower in the locker room and let other guys see you naked?
HowardOh, come on. That's never gonna happen. Now put your hand in the jar or forever be revealed as my sidekick.
RajAll right, I will.
HowardHow did you get so brave all of a sudden?
RajIt's easy. The spider's crawling up your arm.
HowardGet it off! Get it off! Please, Raj! Ah! Ah! Ah! Please. Oh!
AmyMy blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.
SheldonHow about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?
AmySheldon, I am not going through menopause.
SheldonAre you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.
AmyI think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny's friend Zack.
SheldonHang on. I don't know that we've given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.
AmyLet's look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal.
SheldonA cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.
SheldonStar Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?
SheldonDon't. It's terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.
AmyAre you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?
SheldonCheap science fiction?
AmyWhat are you doing?
SheldonUsing Kolinar, to suppress my anger at that last comment.
AmyIs it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy?
SheldonI hadn't considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I've considered it.
SheldonI reject it.
AmyYou reject it because you don't feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?
SheldonI think I'll eat my lunch at home.
AmyThat's not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.
SheldonOh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.
The laundry room.
PennyHey. Isn't tomorrow your usual laundry night?
SheldonThe supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I'll need time to make things right.
PennyThat's thinking ahead.
SheldonThe alternative would be to think backwards. And that's just remembering.
PennySo how's Amy?
SheldonAmy's changed. I might've to let her go.
PennyOh, no. Why?
SheldonI thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.
PennyJust gonna skip over that insult.
PennyYeah. That's why I'm gonna skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what's the scientific word?
SheldonForget science. She's horny.
PennyOh! Okay. Wow.
SheldonIt's simple biology. There's nothing I can do about it.
PennyAre you sure?
SheldonWhat're you suggesting?
PennyI'm suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy's urges?
SheldonIt's illegal to spay a human being.
PennyYeah. That's not what I had in mind.
SheldonOh. Oh! You mean something I could do.
SheldonWell, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I'll let you know what happens.
PennyOh, Amy, you lucky girl.
The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
SheldonYes. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Is this the Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny? Sorry to bother you. (Hangs up and dials another number) Hello. I'm looking for a Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny. Coitus. It means intercourse. And I have a feeling I'm speaking to the right Zack. This is Sheldon Cooper. Fine. Shelly. Yes, that does sound like a girl's name. No, it doesn't bother me. Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother me. Let me tell you why I'm calling. I'd like to know if you'd be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl's name. Good grief. It's like trying to talk to a dolphin.
LeonardReally? This is gonna decide who's the hero and who's the sidekick?
HowardYou got a better idea?
LeonardEvery idea is better than this idea.
RajWait. What the hell is ding?
HowardIt's a bell.
RajI don't think this kind of wrestling has a bell.
HowardFine. How do you wanna start?
RajI say, uh, how about one, two, three, go?
HowardOne-two-three-go? That's for babies.
RajOkay, how about, uh, on your mark, get set, go?
HowardThat's for a footrace. If you wanna race, we have to go outside.
RajNo, it's chilly outside. Didn't bring my jacket.
HowardOh, for crying out loud. What kind of superhero needs a jacket?
RajWhat kind of superhero says dibs on the red tights, dibs on the red tights.
HowardAll right, how about this? Ready, wrestle.
RajWait. Are we starting now? Or is that what you're gonna say when we do start, or-
HowardWe're starting now!
RajDon't yell at me!
LeonardSuppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.
SheldonLook at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?
AmyI'm sure it'll wash off.
SheldonLittle comfort tonight. I look like a Hell's Angel.
SheldonAre you sure this is what you want to do?
AmyIt's not what I want to do, it's what I have to do.
SheldonGo, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.
AmyThank you, Sheldon. You're a good friend.
SheldonPlease don't drag this out. (Amy goes away) This is never going to come off.
AmyExcuse me? Zack? I am Amy Farrah Fowler. We met the other night. I have spent my life in pursuit of pure knowledge. Until I met you, my decisions were founded in logic and reason. And yet here I stand before you, 130 pounds of raging estrogen, longing to grab hold of your gluteus maximus and make Shakespeare's metaphorical beast with two backs.
ZackMy gluteus what?
AmyOn the other hand, as I look at the blank, ape-like expression on your face, I have decided to adopt the Vulcan practice of Kolinar. Goodbye, Zack.
AmyHoo. That should hold me for a while.
HowardI'm legally obligated to inform you that I took a karate lesson when I was 11. I'd be a regular ninja by now if my mom could've arranged a carpool.
RajOh, yeah? Well, I've been taking Pilates class at the rec center, and my abs look like sections of a Hershey bar.
HowardOh, yeah? Won't matter, you're going down!
RajNo, uh-uh, you're going down!
HowardIf anybody's going to go down, it's gonna be you.
LeonardFellas. It's been 30 minutes. Nobody's touched each other.
SheldonI'm glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.
AmyAs am I. (Holds Sheldon's hand)
SheldonWhat're you doing?
AmyAn experiment. Nope. Nothing. Never mind.
RajYou realize you can't win.
HowardI prefer to think that I can't lose.
RajYou're wrong. It's only a matter of time before you fall into Rat-Man's rat trap.
HowardYou pathetic fool! If there were a rat-catcher, wouldn't it catch Rat-Man?
RajJust because I didn't express myself well doesn't mean my underlying point was invalid! You bloviating buffoon!
HowardYou narcissistic nincompoop!
RajYou crimson coward! Oh, Leonard, wake up, you're missing some very excellent superhero quips.