LeonardLesser Warlord of Ka'a.
SheldonNot so fast. Infinite Sheldon.
SheldonYes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
LeonardDo you understand why people don't wanna play with you?
SheldonNo, although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
[Leonard opens the door to reveal Penny and Zack.]
PennyHey, your copy of Science magazine was in my mailbox.
ZackCheck it out, all about planets this month.
LeonardThat's an atom.
ZackAgree to disagree. That's what I love about science, there's no one right answer.
LeonardSo, you and Zack again, huh?
PennyYeah, yeah, me and Zack again.
ZackWere we here earlier?
PennyOkay, we should, we should go.
ZackAh, not yet. I wanna talk science with the science dudes.
HowardOh, and the science dudes wanna talk science with you. What do you wanna talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?
ZackYou know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
SheldonWas the starfish wearing boxer shorts? 'Cause you might've been watching Nickelodeon.
ZackNo, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
LeonardThey might be smarter than some people.
ZackWell, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
SheldonOh, that's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
ZackI don't get it.
LeonardA dolphin might.
ZackOh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.
SheldonThat's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.
PennyYou know, for a group of guys who claim they spent most of their lives being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you. (Closes door)
RajWhat the hell did I do?
Penny(Opens door again) You laughed.
LeonardYou think Penny's right? Were we bullying Zack?
HowardNo, I know bullying. He left here unswirlied and his ass crack was underpants-free.
RajAnd nobody drew a penis on his forehead.
LeonardThat happened to you?
RajFirst day of cricket camp. They drew it so the testicles were my eyes.
LeonardI don't know, I think we might owe the guy an apology.
HowardSo go apologize.
HowardYou started it, we just piled on.
LeonardWhat would I even say?
SheldonZack, I'm sorry you're stupid. Have a Milk Dud.
RajA Milk Dud?
SheldonYeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
LeonardI got a better idea. We're all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who's with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really wanna miss that?
RajJunior Mints are pretty apologetic.
SheldonYou're embarrassing yourself.
At Penny's door.
LeonardYeah, we came to talk to Zack. Hey, Zack.
ZackWhat do you want?
LeonardListen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around.
ZackNo, you weren't. You were making fun of me.
LeonardCome on, that's what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis.
SheldonThat's very hurtful.
ZackI don't know, it still wasn't very nice.
ZackOh, I love Milk Duds. Okay, we're cool.
Sheldon(To Raj) Junior Mints.
ZackYou guys wanna come in and have a beer?
LeonardUh, we're on our way to the comic book store.
ZackReally? I haven't been to a comic book store in literally a million years.
SheldonLiterally? Literally a million years?
Zack(To Penny) You wanna go with 'em?
ZackOkay, see you later.
PennyWait, w-w-wait-wait-wait, you're ditching me to go look at comic books?
ZackAre you mad at me?
PennyI'm not happy.
The comic book store.
ZackWow, this place is awesome. Where do they keep the Archies?
SheldonIn the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.
ZackOh, no, you're thinking old-school Archie. It's much more sophisticated now. Like, there's two universes, and Archie's married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.
ZackAbout time, right?
StuartYou guys finally chip in for a bodyguard?
LeonardUh, no. Oh, this is Zack. He's a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart. He owns the store.
ZackWow, lucky you.
StuartYeah, I work 70 hours a week and average a dollar sixty five an hour.
StuartIs that sarcasm?
HowardUh, no, it's an indictment of the American education system.
RajThe Archies are over here.
StuartSo are you guys coming to my New Year's Eve costume party?
SheldonOf course. We're coming as the Justice League of America.
HowardSwitching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America.
SheldonTo that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.
LeonardHey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches.
SheldonThat's sad. Let's ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?
StuartThan Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard's mother in high-heeled boots?
SheldonI was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there, moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica.
HowardHe is the only person we know with actual muscles.
LeonardYou can't replace me with Zack.
SheldonWhy not? Penny did it.
HowardYeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn't we be?
ZackScore. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos.
SheldonCongratulations. Zack, how would you like to be Superman?
ZackI don't know, sounds like a lot of responsibility.
LeonardFine, if Zack's gonna be Superman, I want to be Green Lantern.
RajBut I'm Green Lantern.
LeonardYou can be Aquaman.
RajI don't wanna be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.
SheldonExcuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.
PennyI'm still mad at you.
ZackWell, you won't be when you hear the great news.
PennyWhat great news?
ZackWe're going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year's Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.
SheldonComplete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.
PennyWait, why me? Wh-Why can't your girlfriend be Wonder Woman?
HowardShe and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.
PennyOkay, what about your friend Amy?
SheldonAmy Farrah Fowler doesn't believe in wearing costumes. She isn't the free spirit I am.
PennyOkay, well, forget it. I'm not spending my New Year's Eve at a comic book store wearing a Wonder Woman costume.
Howard(After Raj whispers to him) He says he'll wear it if you'll be Aquaman.
The apartment. Leonard is dressed as Green Lantern, Sheldon as The Flash.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonWe're going to be late. I'm pacing nervously.
SheldonThis is how the Flash paces.
LeonardJust chill out, Sheldon.
SheldonI'm not Sheldon. I'm the Flash. And now I'm going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I'm back.
SheldonOh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he's running late.
HowardI had to walk. I couldn't get Raj on the back of my scooter.
RajI've said this before, and I'll say it again. Aquaman sucks.
ZackLook up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. I forget the rest.
PennyAll right. Let's get this thing over with.
SheldonI'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
HowardRelax. No one's gonna be looking at her hair. (Penny punches him) Ow! I mean, ow.
ZackHold on. The costume came with a black wig. Where is it, babe?
PennyNo. I'm not wearing it. It looks stupid.
ZackCome on. We're trying to win a contest here.
PennyForget it. I'm not wearing the wig.
ZackPenny, there's no I in Justice League.
SheldonDon't. He's making our case.
ZackOkay, babe. Uh, kinda embarrassing me in front of my friends.
PennyOkay. You know what? I changed my mind. I'm not going.
RajLooks like someone else is gonna have to be Wonder Woman.
ZackBabe, open up.
PennyI'm not talking to you.
ZackThen who are you talking to? Babe?
Sheldon(Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.
PennyWhat the hell is wrong with you?
SheldonI'm the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.
PennyOkay. What do you want, Sheldon?
SheldonI understand why you're upset.
SheldonYes. You're afraid that costume makes you look fat.
PennyNo. Wait, wait, does it?
SheldonDon't worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
SheldonBut they're not blonde, so put on your wig. Hello?
LeonardIf it makes you feel any better, when I was dating Penny, she used to flip out on me all the time.
ZackWhoa. You dated Penny?
LeonardShe didn't tell you?
ZackShe told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would've thought it was you?
LeonardWho else would it be?
ZackI don't know. Somebody bigger and, yeah, sure. Why not you?
SheldonI may have failed.
HowardOkay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman.
ZackI don't wanna go without Penny.
RajOh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we've got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.
SheldonObviously, we're no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
RajOoh, I call Kermit.
SheldonI'm Kermit. You're Scooter.
RajOh, man. Scooter sucks. He's the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.
HowardNo, we can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
LeonardWhat makes you think I can convince her?
HowardYou got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.
LeonardOkay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?
SheldonYes. And make her wear the black wig. Good luck.
Penny's apartment. Knocking.
PennyGo away, Sheldon.
PennyOh. Go away, Leonard.
LeonardCome on, let me just talk to you.
PennyI'm not going to that party, Leonard.
LeonardOkay, listen. You don't have to wear the wig. At this party, we're gonna win first prize just by showing up with a girl.
PennyIt's not the wig.
LeonardDid I do something? I mean, I tried to be friends with Zack, like you said, which believe me, was difficult, given how you and me used to be, you know, you and me, and now you and him are you and him.
PennyOkay, look. We're not really me and him.
LeonardThen what are you?
PennyI don't know. I only started seeing Zack again so I wouldn't be alone on New Year's Eve. How pathetic is that?
LeonardNot as pathetic as dressing up like this and going to a comic book store on New Year's Eve.
PennyYou make a cute Green Arrow.
PennyLike there's a difference.
LeonardThere's a big difference. Arrow. Lantern.
PennyWhatever. Look, if Zack and I had just gone to a regular club or a party, it would've been fine, but this, with the costumes, and you.
LeonardWhat about me?
PennyNothing. Let's go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look?
LeonardUm, I guarantee you'll be the prettiest girl there.
Howard(Outside the door) Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.
SheldonWhat's the bad news?
HowardSuperman probably isn't getting laid tonight.
StuartAnd the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America (There are three Justice Leagues of America) number three!
SheldonThank you! Thank you so much!
StuartOkay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight.
AllTen, nine, eight-
SheldonNo, wait! I have a speech.
AllFive, four, three-
SheldonThis is my moment, dag nab it!
AllTwo, one! Happy New Year!
SheldonI'm not going to say another word until you people settle down. I'm waiting.
ZackThat was a great party. We should dress like this all the time.
PennyAre you high?
LeonardYou're being a bully.
HowardCheck it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.
LeonardWhat should we do?
SheldonWe're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away. (The gang but Zack turn around and slowly walk away)
Zack(After a moment's thought) Nah. (To the gang) Hold up.
LeonardLook, I know our winter thermostat setting is 72 degrees, but I'm a little warm, so I'm gonna to turn it down.
Sheldon(As The Flash, runs to the Grand Canyon) Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter! (Runs back) Fine.