The University cafeteria.
RajHere's what I wonder about zombies. (Others all groan) What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard(To Leonard) You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
SheldonWell-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
RajYeah, okay, so, zombies.
LeonardI guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like, in 28 Days, if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
HowardYou're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
RajHey, don't bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter.
LeonardDr. Siebert, twelve o'clock.
HowardWhy's the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?
SheldonPerhaps he's emulating Shakespeare's Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he'd have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I've sent him on the subject of his administration, he could've saved himself the trouble.
RajOr maybe he heard it's Tator Tot Tuesday. That's why I'm here.
Dr. SeibertHey, there's my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today?
SheldonThat depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
SeibertSorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
SheldonIt's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia.
SeibertYeah. So, listen, fellas, who's up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls.
SheldonHold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van. What's the occasion?
SeibertJust a little fund-raiser for the university.
SheldonAha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.
SeibertI understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.
SheldonI don't care, it's demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don't want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign's uniform.
SeibertAll right, let me put it this way. You're gonna put on a suit, you're gonna come to this party, and you're gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I'll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire.
RajOh, you don't want that.
SeibertSo, Saturday night! It's gonna be off the hook. (Touches Sheldon's shoulder)
SeibertGet over it.
RajOh, boy! Tator tots and a party invitation? What a great day!
PennyThere you go.
LeonardAre you sure this is right?
PennyYeah, just tuck that part in your pants; you'll be fine.
HowardOkay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tuckus.
PennyOh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey.
HowardExcuse me, my girlfriend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.
LeonardOh. We should get going.
HowardWhat about Sheldon?
SheldonSheldon is not going.
LeonardReally? What do we tell Siebert?
SheldonTell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
PennySheldon, it's Saturday night, you'll be doing laundry.
SheldonDon't tell him that, tell him the mask thing.
HowardHey, put your tie back in your pants.
RajNice place. Reminds me of my parents' house back in New Delhi.
RajNo. We are very wealthy. But the only difference is, we have more servants.
LeonardMore than this?
RajMore than we can use. You see, in India, we don't make the mistake of letting our poor people have dreams.
SeibertAh. There's my band of brainiacs. Where's Dr. Cooper?
LeonardHe's tearing the mask off nature to look at the face of God.
SeibertThe board of directors insists he has a beautiful mind. I think he's just bananas. Come on, let me introduce you to one of the university's leading donors.
RajI think we were misled about the cute girls.
SeibertMrs. Latham, I'd like you to meet three of our outstanding young researchers. This is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz.
Mrs LathamWell, what happened to you, Wolowitz, couldn't stick with it long enough to get your PhD?
HowardI'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a PhD. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste-disposal system for NASA.
Mrs LathamGot it, you're a space plumber.
HowardI'm gonna go hit the bar.
Mrs LathamTell me about these two.
RajDo him first.
SeibertDr. Hofstadter is representing our experimental physics program tonight. I think you'll really enjoy hearing about his fascinating work.
Mrs LathamRight. Fascinate me.
LeonardUh.. b.. d.. uh.. uh..
Mrs LathamThey're cute when they're about to wet themselves, aren't they? I'll make it easy for you. When you arrive at the lab in the morning, what sort of machine do you turn on?
Mrs LathamAll right, Dr. Kooth- uh, whatever it is, you're up.
RajIt's Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.
SheldonAnd so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soiree, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.
Amy(On webcam) Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you've made a foolish mistake.
SheldonUnlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I'm not above minimizing your window.
AmySheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.
SheldonThat's it. Prepare to be minimized.
AmyI'm not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab? I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology.
SheldonYour lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?
AmyTechnically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.
SheldonWell, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.
AmyAnd consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.
SheldonAre you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding.
AmyWell, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the geology department.
SheldonOh, dear,not, not the dirt people!
AmyOr worse, it could go to, the liberal arts.
AmyMillions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
SheldonOh, the humanities!
LeonardOn the bright side, I don't think President Siebert will be making us go to any more fund-raisers.
HowardIt was so much easier at my bar mitzvah. The old people just came up to you, pinched your cheek and handed you a savings bond.
RajOh, don't be such gloomy Gusses. Look at the size of these shrimp! At what point do we start calling them lobsters?
LeonardFace it, Raj, we crashed and burned tonight.
Mrs LathamOh, you didn't do that badly.
LeonardMrs Latham, the first machine I turn on in the morning is the helium-neon laser, 'cause it needs to warm up.
Mrs LathamI no longer care, dear. But don't worry, I really enjoyed meeting you this evening.
LeonardYou're kidding. That was good for you? 'Cause I was sweating through my T-shirt.
Mrs LathamExcellent! There's nothing I like better than making smart people feel ill at ease.
Mrs LathamOh, I don't know, it's one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money. Watch. (To Raj) Hey! Who said you could eat that shrimp? See? Fun.
Sheldon(Behind them) No, no, no, I'm just here for your money. I don't wanna shake anyone's germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.
Sheldon(On phone) I must confess I don't understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there's simply no talking to me, why did you call? I'm sorry, someone's on the other line. Why don't you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we'll try again later. Cooper-Hofstadter residence. Go for Cooper. Good morning, Mrs Latham. Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husband's ill-gotten gains. So, how much money are you going to give me? I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested. Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling? She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now?
LeonardHello, Mrs Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don't, I, I really don't know why. Tonight? Sure, that'd be great. Okay, I'll, I'll see you then. Bye. Uh, she wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
SheldonAn entire dinner to talk about your research? Where're you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?
LeonardWell, wherever we're going, she's sending a car to pick me up.
SheldonOkay, I see what's happening.
SheldonMy stature intimidates her, so she's using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.
LeonardExcuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I've been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.
SheldonNo, that can't be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we're best friends. And I got your back, Jack.
Mrs Latham's car.
LeonardThat was a great meal.
Mrs LathamI'm glad you enjoyed it.
LeonardThe only time I eat this well is when my mom's in town and she takes me out to dinner.
Mrs LathamIs that so?
LeonardYou kinda remind me of her. She enjoys making people uncomfortable, too.
Mrs LathamWell, you remind me of a boy I dated in college.
Mrs LathamSweet boy. Very smart. If only he'd had money.
LeonardYeah, um, so, hey, speaking of money, how are you feeling about helping the physics department get a cryogenic centrifugal pump and molecular sieve?
Mrs LathamWell, I must say, you make a very persuasive case for it.
LeonardOh, good, good.
Mrs LathamAnd I'm seriously considering taking it to the next level.
LeonardTerrific. Great. What level is that? (She grabs him and kisses him) Okay, now you don't remind me of my mom.
SheldonI'm sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?
PennyYes, Sheldon. Keep watching.
SheldonYou know, it's a shame, all that work she's doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.
HowardHey. How was dinner?
LeonardSwell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol?
SheldonNo. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It'll take two weeks.
PennyLeonard, are you okay?
LeonardUm, I'm not sure.
HowardWhat's going on?
LeonardWell, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
LeonardThen she stuck her tongue down my throat.
PennyOkay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
LeonardShe hit on me.
HowardWait-wait-wait. Are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
LeonardI think so.
HowardYou lucky duck.
PennyYou're really a broken toy, aren't you?
LeonardI was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.
SheldonExcellent! What are you planning to wear?
SheldonPenny, you're an expert on trading sexual favors for material gain, walk him through this.
LeonardWell, n-no, hold on a second, I'm not going to sleep with her.
SheldonBut we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
LeonardForget it! It's not gonna happen.
SheldonWell, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!
LeonardI repeat, not gonna happen.
PennyWhat was all that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?
SheldonIt was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
The apartment, the following night.
Sheldon(On phone) Okay, fine. I'll tell him. Leonard, Mrs Latham's car is here for you.
LeonardI won't be too late. I'm just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.
SheldonHold on, I have something for you.
SheldonJust a few things you may need tonight. There's, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.
LeonardI am not going to have sex with her.
SheldonMaybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!
LeonardAre you insane? I'm not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment.
SheldonOh, come on! Why not?
LeonardGood night, Sheldon.
SheldonGiven how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
PennyHe still won't shag the old lady, huh?
SheldonNo. But thank you for asking.
Mrs Latham's car.
Mrs LathamHello, Leonard. I hope you're hungry.
LeonardI'm very hungry. For food, right?
Mrs LathamOh, I made you uncomfortable last night. I'm so sorry.
LeonardNo, that's okay.
Mrs LathamNo, it most certainly is not. Leonard, I'm making the donation to your department regardless of what happens between us.
Mrs LathamOf course. There's no quid pro quo here. You and your colleagues are doing remarkable research, and you deserve the money.
LeonardOh. Then what was last night about?
Mrs LathamI took a shot, sue me.
Mrs LathamYou're a very handsome man, Leonard.
Mrs LathamIt was foolish of me to think someone your age might ever be interested in someone like me.
LeonardOh, don't say that. You're a very attractive woman.
Mrs LathamOh, please.
LeonardNo, it's true.
Mrs LathamWell, aren't you sweet. Just for the record, you'd remember a night with me for the rest of your life.
LeonardI'm sure I would. But why, why, exactly?
Mrs LathamYou're a very smart man. How do you think I landed such a rich husband?
LeonardI hadn't really given it much thought.
Mrs LathamWell, think about it.
LeonardDo you mean?
Mrs LathamYep. I'm that good.
LeonardOh, what the hell. (Kisses her)
The stairwell. Leonard is returning home looking dishevelled.
PennyGood morning, slut.
PennyOh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.
SheldonWhat's going on?
LeonardOh, nothing's going on. Excuse me.
SheldonAre you just getting home?
SheldonThat's a good sign, right?
SheldonI'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
LeonardNo, I didn't do it for the money.
SheldonShe stiffed you?
PennyI believe that's what your roommate did to her.
PennyAgain, read the book we gave you.
LeonardNo, I mean, I, I, I got the money first.
SheldonSmart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.
LeonardUh, I'm gonna go lie down.
SheldonThat's a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn't learn anything from his relationship with you.
SheldonAnother compliment! Learn to recognize them.
SeibertAh, there he is! The man of the hour! He took one for the team!
LeonardI didn't do it for the money!
SeibertKeep telling yourself that, it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
RajCool, buddy! That's awesome!
HowardHow was she?