The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.
SheldonBuona sera, Luigi's Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante?
LeonardOkay, I'm out of here.
SheldonUn momento. Oh, for heaven's sake, now you're being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where're you going?
LeonardI'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's gonna be there. You wanna join us?
SheldonBut tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
LeonardCan't we make a one-time exception for tonight?
SheldonWe could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
LeonardJust come with me to Raj's.
SheldonWell, I don't wanna go to a party.
LeonardIt's not a party. It's the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there.
SheldonI'm sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.
LeonardHow come it's not a party when we do it here?
SheldonBecause we don't throw parties.
LeonardI don't know what to tell you, Sheldon. I'm going to see Priya. Everyone's over there. You coming or not?
SheldonWell, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.
LeonardI guess you're right. See you later.
SheldonWait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?
LeonardCome with me to Raj's and eat there.
SheldonI can't do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?
LeonardI really doubt that's what he'll serve.
SheldonBut what if he does? I'll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep's stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don't know why he's serving both.
LeonardWhat do you wanna do? You wanna come with me, or do you wanna sit here alone?
SheldonNo, I'll go to your haggis party. I'm telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.
Outside Raj's apartment.
SheldonRaj's television. I just realized we're about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.
LeonardSo don't watch TV. Read a book.
SheldonAnd be a social pariah? Oh, you know that's not my style.
SheldonThe audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?
SheldonIs it about me or the dead pixels?
RajHey, you're just in time. We made Tex-Mex.
LeonardOh, sounds great.
SheldonOh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.
HowardThat's got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister's mouth?
SheldonExcuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.
PriyaThere is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable.
SheldonOh, what fun. We're like hippies at a love-in.
LeonardJust sit here.
SheldonYeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it's Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer's Stone.
RajOkay, we've got fajitas with all the fixings, so you make your own.
SheldonWonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.
PriyaDo you want a margarita, Sheldon?
SheldonA margarita? Where are we? What is happening?
The bar of the Cheesecake Factory.
PennyOh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get ya?
SheldonWater. Neat. With a little umbrella.
PennyWhere are all your friends?
SheldonSadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.
SheldonExcuse me? Isn't this the point where the world-weary barkeep absent-mindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?
PennyWell, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What's troubling you, buddy?
SheldonI don't think your heart's in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj's sister, we're all forced to hang out at his apartment.
PennyOh, the horror.
SheldonIndeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?
SheldonWonder what she's exasperated about. Hello?
Amy(On phone) Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were gonna take a taxi home from Raj's, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory.
SheldonYes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn't look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it.
PennyThere you go. Just like recovering alcoholics drink in the Caribbean.
PennyOh. Hi, Amy. How you been?
AmyFine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.
PennyYeah, it's a great time to be alive, isn't it?
SheldonDon't worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking.
PennyLook, Sheldon, Leonard is dating Priya. She is staying with Raj. That means you're all probably gonna be hanging out there more.
AmyPenny, I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I know you're devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-colored skin.
PennyOkay, I'm not upset about Leonard and Priya.
AmyYour flaring nostrils indicate otherwise.
AmySheldon, look at me. I think it's time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.
SheldonLeonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I'm the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.
AmyI'm not saying that you're not fun. You're the most fun person I know.
PennyA lot of people think I'm fun to be around.
AmyDon't be needy, bestie. That's probably part of what chased Leonard away. What I am saying, Sheldon, is that your group is Leonard-centric. If it were a town, it would be Leonardville. If it were an Islamic nation, Leonardstan. If it were the birthplace of motion pictures, we'd all be singing Hooray for Leonardwood.
PennyOoh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you'd be called Leonard and the Leonards.
LeonardWhat you doing?
SheldonI'm setting out snacks.
LeonardYou do realize everyone's eating at Raj's again tonight?
SheldonI didn't say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?
LeonardYou're having people over?
SheldonYes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I'll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack and TV's LeVar Burton.
LeonardReally? LeVar Burton's coming here?
SheldonPossibly. I Tweeted him.
LeonardOkay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek.
SheldonPlease, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.
LeonardOf course. Good night.
SheldonWe had a good run, you and I.
SheldonBut change is a part of life.
LeonardIt certainly is.
SheldonOkay. I have guests coming. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.
LeonardI am leaving.
SheldonDon't make this harder than it is, Leonard.
SheldonAnd goodbye to you, sir. (Closes the door) He'll be back.
LeonardOf course I'll be back. I live here!
The apartment, later.
SheldonWell, it would appear LeVar Burton won't be joining us, so, let's get started. Um, I thought we'd begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we're here. Okay. I'm Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you're not familiar with that publication, there's a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart?
StuartUm. Hi. I'm Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I'm currently living in. And I guess what I'm hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.
SheldonThat's very nice, Stuart. Zack?
ZackI'm Zack, and I'm, uh... uh... could you come back to me?
SheldonOf course. Barry?
BarryI'm Barry Kwipke, and I'm here because you told me there was gonna be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?
SheldonPatience, patience, Barry. The whaffle- the raffle, is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.
BarryOne more question-
SheldonYes, you must be present to win.
ZackOkay, I'm ready. I'm Zack, and I'm, uh- oh, crap, why is this so hard?
BernadetteWe're here to kidnap you for a girls' night out.
AmyParenthetical, the term kidnap is being used playfully.
PennyI kind of figured that.
AmyGood. Now put this pillowcase over your head.
AmyShe used to be much more fun, until Leonard punched her in the heart.
BernadetteWe just thought you might wanna go out and have a good time, maybe go dancing.
PennyOh. Gee, thanks, but I'm not really in the mood.
AmyYou do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai.
PennyOkay, look, if I agree to go out with you guys, will you promise to stop pestering me about Leonard and Priya?
PennyAll right. I'll go change. Come on in.
AmyIf you'd have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn't have had to put up with all this jibber jabber.
ZackAnyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There's no one around, so naturally, I'm free balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.
SheldonQuestion. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub?
BarryWeally? That's your question?
ZackWhat's the difference?
SheldonJacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.
ZackIs that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?
ZackNice. Now, what exactly are toes?
StuartCan you please get back to the drunk girl? I'd like something to think about in the shower.
ZackOh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice-
SheldonThe water level rose.
SheldonOf course it did. It's said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.
BarryTewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee balling, continue.
SheldonForgive me, but I think you'll find my story is more interesting.
BarryDoes yours have wet bweasts in it?
SheldonBetter. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.
ZackSo, long story short, I nailed her.
SheldonWhen he finished, he shouted Eureka!
ZackNo, I always shout, Holy Moly! Don't know why. Just do.
SheldonAll right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who's ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight's selections include ColecoVision's Smurf Rescue in Gargamel's Castle, Atari's Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I'm fun.
BarryThat all sucks the big haiwy meatball. How about I go get the kawaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the woof off this place?
ZackGreat, I'll make a beer run.
StuartAnd I'll take a shower. We'll meet back here in fifteen.
LeonardThis is delicious. Where'd you learn to make chili?
PriyaWhen I was at university in England, my flatmate was from Texas.
LeonardI hope she wasn't anything like my flatmate from Texas.
PriyaSheldon is a bit quirky, isn't he?
HowardOh, please. That crazy bastard's looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.
LeonardDid you know that, per our roommate agreement, I have to wash my feet before I get in the shower? And not in the sink. We each have special buckets.
HowardRaj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
PriyaOh, God, you're kidding.
RajNope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said, maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista.
LeonardBam. Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.
RajI'd like to propose a toast to a rare and wonderful Sheldon-free evening.
HowardCheers. You realize that's the first time we've ever done that without having to listen to Sheldon tell us why it's called a toast?
PriyaWhy is it called a toast?
LeonardOh, the ancient Romans put spiced toast in their punch bowls.
RajSheldon tells it better.
LeonardHe kinda does.
LeonardAw, hell, I miss him.
PennySo, where do you guys wanna go dancing?
BernadetteWe were hoping you'd know a place.
AmyYes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young, beautiful bodies sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.
PennyOh, yeah, I know that place. What do you think?
AmyThat should display enough of your bosom to attract a new mate, or a hungry infant.
PennyOkay, let's go through this one more time. Just because Leonard has a new girlfriend does not mean I need to go out and hook up with some guy.
BernadetteBut you could if you wanted to, right?
PennyWell, yeah, I guess.
BernadettePick out the hottest guy in the room, take him home, do unspeakable things to him, then kick him to the curb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heinie?
PennyMore or less.
AmyWhat's that like?
PennyI don't know. It's fun while you're doing it. And then after, it's mostly embarrassment, self-loathing and regret.
BernadetteI would take that deal all day long.
PennyYeah, well, it's not gonna happen tonight. You know, for the first time in my life, I am not in a relationship, and I'm totally okay with it.
AmyYou know, if being on your own is new to you, I'd be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies I've perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush?
AmyYou should get one.
AmyIt appears to be something preserved between two pieces of acrylic.
PennyOh, it's a snowflake from the North Pole. Leonard gave it to me last year.
BernadetteOh, God, that is so romantic.
PennyYeah, it was.
BernadetteLeonard's really one of a kind.
AmySaying that while holding a snowflake is a little bit heavy-handed, don't you think?
PennyLet me see that. Oh, screw it. I can deal with a little self-loathing. Let's go find me a heinie to bite.
AmyOutstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.
BernadetteThat's kinda creepy.
The apartment. Barry and Zack are singing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart".
StuartAnybody do Walking on Sunshine yet?
PriyaI'm sorry, Sheldon bought a loom and learned how to weave?
LeonardHe actually got pretty good. He made us all matching serapes.
RajI still wear mine when there's a nip in the air.
PriyaNow, was this before or after he adopted the 25 cats?
LeonardLong before the cats. I think it was around the time he tried to declare our apartment a sovereign nation. I still have some of the currency.
Sheldon(Knocks) All my friends. All my friends. All my friends.
HowardI think it's like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.
RajCome on in.
LeonardHey. I thought you were with your new buddies.
SheldonI had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
PriyaCome here, Sheldon. Sit here with me.
PriyaWould you like some homemade chili?
SheldonAre there beans in it?
SheldonThen it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.
PriyaSheldon, do you want some or not?
SheldonYes, please. Your girlfriend's a little short-tempered.
RajI'd like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.
SheldonYeah, Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?
PriyaActually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls.
SheldonShe's also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is.
The apartment. Stuart is singing "Walking on Sunshine". Barry and Zack are doing backing vocals.
LeVar BurtonHello? I- Oh, I don't think so. I am so done with Twitter.