LeonardMm-hmm. Great. Hey, can I ask you something?
LeonardLast night, me wanting to try that stuff out of the Kama Sutra, was that fun for you or kinda racially insensitive?
PriyaYeah, just because you're in bed with an Indian woman, you think that gives you permission to use crazy positions from an ancient Indian love manual?
LeonardHey, if you can find a book called weird sex with white boys, I'd be okay with that. (Puts on his glasses)
PriyaNo no, you have such beautiful eyes. Have you ever thought about getting contacts?
LeonardI tried in the seventh grade. I could never get used to them.
PriyaOh, that's too bad.
LeonardYeah, if I had contacts I would've been the coolest debate club president ever to be stuffed into his own cello case.
PriyaIf you had them on now, you could see what we're going to do next.
LeonardTh-th-th-that's okay. I can infer from context.
HowardHey, Raj, wanna see a new magic trick I've been working on?
SheldonHoward, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you wanna spend your time? Granted, you're just an engineer, but that doesn't mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else's Nobel prize acceptance speech.
RajIs the trick making him disappear? Sure, let's see it.
Howard(Takes out a pack of cards) Here, shuffle these.
HowardNow spread them out on the table, face down. Pick one, look at it.
HowardNow remember your card, put it back in the deck.
SheldonIs it any wonder he doesn't have a doctorate?
HowardRemind me, what's your birthday?
HowardOkay, October is the tenth month. So ten, one plus zero is one, plus six is seven. Turn over the seventh card.
RajHow about that!
HowardIs that your card?
RajYes, it is. Very cool!
SheldonIt's not cool. It's a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How'd you do it?
HowardA magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.
SheldonFine. Give me a second.
HowardYou ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?
(Leonard enters, bumps into random man)
Random manOh, hey!
(Continues across room bumping into nearly everyone in the room and knocking many things over)
LeonardSorry! Pardon me! Oh, I'm so sorry! My fault! Check it out. I just got contacts.
PennyOne, two, three, four, five. No way.
HowardThat's your card, right?
PennySeven of clubs! That is amazing!
SheldonIt's not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.
HowardOh, really? So, how did I do it?
SheldonWell, I don't care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.
HowardI thought you had more important things to think about.
SheldonI do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.
PennyOh, big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun.
SheldonNot knowing is part of the fun. Was that the motto of your community college?
LeonardHey, you guys, what do you think? Priya took me clothes shopping.
PennyHey, you look great. Good for you, Priya. I could never get that stupid hoodie off him when we were- well, you look great.
PriyaLets go hang everything up.
LeonardYeah, good. (Goes to his bedroom and bumps into the wall) New contacts. I should've done this years ago.
HowardSo you finally getting used to them doing it on a daily basis?
PennyI'm not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants.
HowardYeah, I was talking to Raj.
SheldonThis deck is rigged in some fashion.
HowardFine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that.
SheldonSo you're saying this is a regulation deck?
HowardI'm saying believe in magic, you muggle.
PennyYou know, well, I'm happy Leonard's found someone. Not that anybody asked.
PriyaHow many Star Trek uniforms do you have?
LeonardJust two. Everyday and dress.
PriyaUh-huh. Listen, we need to talk about something.
LeonardOh, my god, you're breaking up with me! Why would you take me out shopping and then break up with me? That is so cruel.
PriyaLeonard, I'm not breaking up with you.
LeonardOh, okay. So, what's up?
PriyaIt's a little weird, your ex-girlfriend hanging out here all the time.
LeonardI know. I usually never see my ex-girlfriends, unless their hard drives crash.
PriyaI'm just saying, how would you feel if I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend?
LeonardUm, not great, I guess. But Penny and I are just friends.
PriyaI don't care. This is a woman you have slept with. If you want her around, then I have to wonder if maybe you're not ready to move on.
LeonardNo, no-no-no, I'm ready! I gave up the gift of sight for you. If that's not moving on, what is?
PriyaYou need to cut the cord with Penny.
PriyaYou don't sound very confident.
LeonardNo, no, I'm confident. It's not like I'm unfamiliar with the "get lost" conversation. Although, this will be the first time I'll be the one saying it.
PriyaThank you. I appreciate it.
LeonardSure. Oh, god, you smell so good. Of course, that could just be my other senses getting stronger. Hypothetically, if I had access To a Lieutenant Uhura uniform, would you wear it?
PriyaLeonard, it is a source of great pain to me and my family that my brother has that outfit in his wardrobe. Can we not discuss it?
LeonardI'm sorry. I'm, never mind.
HowardAnd was your card the jack of diamonds?
PennyOh, unbelievable! Know how he did it yet?
PennyAw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can't figure out how I got his nose.
HowardYou know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil's rubber!
PennyHey, I think I know how you did the card trick.
SheldonOh, oh, please, if I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.
PennyCome here. (Whispers to Howard)
PennyNot too bad for someone who doesn't know what axiomatic means.
The laundry room.
PennyHey, you. What happened with the contacts?
LeonardOne of them's upstairs. The other one sort of slipped back into my skull.
PennyHey, is that one of the new shirts Priya got you?
PennyYou don't wanna wash that.
PennyNo, that's silk. Seriously, what would you do without me?
PennyYou know, I gotta tell you, I think you got a real winner with Priya.
LeonardYeah, me too.
PennyShe seems really sweet. Believe me, you do not wanna take that for granted. There are a lot of bitches out there.
LeonardYeah, bitches are the worst.
PennyAll right, well I'll see you later.
LeonardUh, Penny, there's something I have to tell you.
LeonardOkay, uh, how do I put this? Um, are you familiar with Darwin's observation of the finches in the Galapagos Islands?
PennyDid they make a movie about it?
LeonardAll right, well, anyway, Darwin observed that when two groups of finches competed over the same food source, eventually one of them would evolve a different beak shape so they could feed on something else.
LeonardSo, what do you think we can learn from that behavior that we can apply to our own lives?
PennyUh, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?
LeonardSure, that has birds in it.
PennyIt's fun talking to you, Leonard, I always learn stuff.
LeonardI'm sorry, but I'm gonna count that.
PriyaDo you really have to wear that in bed?
LeonardYeah. The doctor didn't want me to rub my eye during the night. It was either this or one of those giant neck cones.
PriyaSo, did you get to talk to Penny?
LeonardOh, yes. Indeed, I did.
LeonardShe completely understood everything I said. Case closed.
PriyaWas she upset?
LeonardMaybe, but that's not my problem. She's not my girlfriend, you are.
PriyaI hope you weren't cruel to her.
LeonardIs the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature's way?
Sheldon(Knocks) Leonard? Leonard? Leonard?
SheldonI think I figured out Wolowitz's magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.
LeonardI am not opening that door, Sheldon.
SheldonAs you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?
Sheldon(Sliding card under door) Is this your card?
Leonard(Not looking) Nope.
SheldonDrat. Is this your card?
SheldonI'll be right back.
The apartment. Sheldon is alone.
SheldonPick a card, Sheldon. Now look at it, and put it back in the deck. Now do you remember your card? Well of course I do, I have an eidetic memory. My apologies. Now, shuffle the cards. Shuffling. Wait here. Processing image, cross-referencing.
LeonardWhat you doing?
SheldonI'm reverse engineering Wolowitz's magic trick.
LeonardWhat's up with the infrared cameras?
SheldonI'm measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one's been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.
LeonardHoly crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory?
SheldonYes. I'm using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.
LeonardSheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime.
SheldonRelax, we're not under attack right now.
LeonardOkay, I'm leaving before the black helicopters get here.
SheldonAnd is this my card? Rats! I wonder if Howard used a radioactive tracer. Where am I going to find Uranium-235 this time of night? Come on, Craigslist.
LeonardIs it racist that I took you to an Indian restaurant?
PriyaIt's okay, I like Indian food.
LeonardOr as you probably call it back home, food.
PriyaWhy didn't you wear your contacts? Don't you like them?
LeonardNo, no, I do. It's just I knew I was having curry tonight and I only want one part of my body to burn at a time.
PriyaYou know, my company offered me a position here in Los Angeles.
LeonardDoes that mean you'd relocate here permanently?
PriyaMaybe. What do you think?
LeonardOh, I love it. Oh, that's great!
Penny(Knocking on window) Hi! Hi! Hang on.
PriyaYou did talk to her, didn't you?
LeonardOf course, I did. I talked and talked and talked.
PennyHey! Look at Leonard in his fancy-ass grownup clothes. Way to go, Priya. For once, he doesn't look like a mannequin in the boys' department. Hey, did he tell you I saved the silk shirt?
PriyaNo, he did not.
PennyHe was gonna throw it in the washing machine with his Spiderman underwear. That's our Lenny, huh?
PriyaYes, that's our Lenny.
PennySo, how's the food here? Oh, wow, that is really, really good. Oh, I'm sorry. You guys are on a date. We can hang out anytime. Have fun.
PennyOh, that's, hot, hot, hot, hot! Whoo! It really sneaks up on ya, huh? All right, I gotta go.
LeonardIt is pretty spicy.
SheldonOh, I've been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick.
SheldonOh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it.
HowardI'd love to see that. How about you, Raj?
RajBeefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down?
SheldonAll right. Pick a card.
HowardWhat's with the wand and the beep?
SheldonThe wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I'm getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning's ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.
RajThese cards have barcodes on them. The wand is a reader. It's transmitting to your phone.
SheldonI said ta-da. Show's over.
HowardThat-that's pathetic. Let me show you how a real magician does it. Raj, take a card. Don't let me see it.
HowardThree of clubs. (It isn't)
RajSon of a gun, you're blowing my mind!
SheldonThat does it. I'm getting uranium.
RajYou ever gonna tell him?
HowardMaybe. When it stops being fun.
PennyOh, hey, I was just on my way to work.
LeonardOh, okay, it's not important. It can wait.
PennyNo, it's all right. Walk me down. So, what's up?
LeonardUh, I kinda have a problem I was hoping you could help me with.
LeonardWell, uh, not far. Hey, if you ever wanna start a family, La Cañada has some great schools.
PennyOkay, I'm not moving anywhere. What the hell is this all about?
LeonardWhy does it have to be about anything? Can't a fella ask his buddy to relocate, no questions asked?
PennyOh, for god's sake, Leonard, this is about Priya, isn't it? She doesn't want me hanging out with you.
LeonardYes. There, I said it.
PennyOkay, look, I, I happen to like your girlfriend.
LeonardAnd she likes you.
PennyNo, she doesn't.
LeonardNot really, no.
PennyIt doesn't matter. Look, I promise from now on I will keep my distance from you.
LeonardWell, now, hold on. What kind of distance are we talking about? Because we are neighbors. I mean, I can hear the toilet flush in your apartment.
PennyYou can hear my toilet flush?
LeonardI don't listen for it, but it's nice to know everything's okay with your plumbing. The building's plumbing.
PennyLeonard, I get it. You're in a new relationship now. And I'm happy for you. So why don't we just shake hands and part friends?
LeonardWell, now hold on, how about this? How about we still hang out, but on the down-low?
PennyAre you really that kinda guy?
LeonardNo. I actually felt kinda silly just saying on the down-low.
LeonardPenny, wait. (Bumps into door) Damned contacts.
RajWhy so glum, chum?
SheldonApparently, you can't hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.
HowardOh, that's too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet?
SheldonFigure out the magic trick yet?
HowardWant me to tell you how to do it?
HowardI'll show you one more time. Raj?
SheldonHang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there's no monkey business.
HowardAll right. (Raj looks over Sheldon's shoulder. Holds two fingers over his heart). Two of hearts.
SheldonI hate you.
HowardYeah, he's gonna win the Nobel prize.