SheldonWhy hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?
PolicemanHere. Breathe into this bag.
LeonardWhat's going on?
SheldonThey stole everything, Leonard, everything.
PolicemanAre you the roommate?
LeonardYeah, Leonard Hofstadter. What happened?
PolicemanYour friend here called 911 to report a robbery.
LeonardOh, my God, what did they get?
SheldonWhat didn't they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armor, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.
LeonardYou called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?
SheldonWhat choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.
PolicemanInto the bag.
SheldonThey took my battle ostrich.
LeonardOh, no, not Glenn?
SheldonYes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved.
PolicemanGood luck, fellas.
LeonardThank you, officer.
SheldonWait a minute! You're not going to do anything?
PolicemanMr. Cooper, there's nothing-
LeonardNot the kind with access to drugs.
PolicemanFine. Dr. Cooper. I'm sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn't have jurisdiction in Pandora.
SheldonThat's from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?
SheldonYou know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice?
LeonardThank you, officer.
SheldonIt's all gone. All gone.
LeonardI'm really sorry, Sheldon.
SheldonWhat kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man's battle ostrich?
LeonardI don't know.
SheldonThis act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.
LeonardI'm on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.
SheldonSee if Raj is done with Pilates.
SheldonThree thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It's almost as if it was a huge waste of time.
HowardWhoever did this knew what they were doing. He got in and out of your account in under 15 minutes, transferred all your stuff, and didn't leave a digital fingerprint.
SheldonOh! There isn't enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.
RajHold on. I'm talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he'll help us track down your things.
SheldonCan we trust him?
RajI should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.
HowardWhoa! Somebody's auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle!
SheldonNo. Glenn's was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven't given up hope.
LeonardHey, Penny. We're kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.
PennyOh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.
SheldonThat game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing- all right, technically it's a game.
RajBad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.
PennyOkay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!
SheldonStale pastry is hollow succor to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
PennyJust say thank you.
SheldonI thought I just did.
PennyAll right. See you later.
PennyOh, hi! I was just dropping off a cheesecake to Sheldon. He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that's useful in a make-believe place.
PriyaI don't know what that means.
PennyYeah, well, sadly, I do.
PennyDid you know last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading at the beach? Can you believe that?
BernadetteI feel like I'm supposed to say that bitch, but I don't have enough information.
PennyI am the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. And he was so phobic about stepping on medical waste, I had to carry him to the water.
BernadetteI took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
PennySo what's the thanks I get for turning Leonard into quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend.
AmyI think you're on.
BernadetteOh. That bitch!
PennyWant some coffee liqueur on your ice cream?
AmyAh, here's the alcohol and drug peer pressure Mother warned me about. I was starting to think it was never gonna happen. Yes, please.
PennyYou guys should've seen Leonard when I first met him. There was no eye contact. He was either looking up at the ceiling, or down at his shoes.
PennyYou know, for the first couple of months, whenever I would take off my bra, he would giggle and say, oh boy, my breast friends.
BernadetteWell, if it makes you feel any better, I'm never speaking to Priya again.
PennyNo, don't do that. No reason to be mean to her.
AmyThis may be the alcohol talking, but I believe there is. Are you familiar with the recent study of Tanzanian chimpanzees by Nishida and Hosaka out of Kyoto University?
PennyNo, but I can name all the Kardashians.
AmyPrimates, such as ourselves, have a natural instinct to ostracize ill-mannered members of the troop. Bernadette's urge to shun, scowl or fling her waste at Priya is hard-wired into her DNA.
BernadetteI don't have an urge to fling my waste.
AmyBelieve me, it's there, we all have it. Hit me with some more booze, and I'll show you.
HowardAll right, here we are, this is the tavern where all the black-market weapon trades go down.
RajI don't think my character should be in a place like this. Everyone's undressing her with their eyes.
HowardMaybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up.
LeonardOkay, what exactly are we looking for?
HowardRedheaded troll, goes by the name of Glumly. According to the message boards, if you wanna move stolen goods and it's after school hours, he's your guy.
PriyaLeonard, is this going to take much longer? I thought we were going to spend some time together.
LeonardUh, we are. In the meantime, you're welcome to whip up a quick character and join us.
LeonardWell, you have to put in a credit card number, but it's fun.
PriyaMaybe I should just go home.
HowardOur troll just walked in! I got him!
LeonardWe got him. We're almost done.
HowardSo, how do you guys wanna play this?
SheldonBe ruthless. You tell him if he doesn't start talking, we'll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.
RajSheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.
SheldonI don't care! I'm losing it, man!
LeonardWhy don't we play this smart? Try a little good goblin, bad goblin.
PriyaOh, dear Lord.
HowardNah, I think we have to be more subtle.
RajOkay, I see where this is going. Fine, I'll have sex with him.
LeonardThat's not where it was going.
RajGood, because I would hate that.
PriyaLeonard, you're busy, let's talk tomorrow.
LeonardOh, wait. Hang on. Are you upset?
PriyaNo, no, I think it's sexy to date a boy trapped in a man's body.
LeonardGood, good. I'll tell you what happens.
SheldonPeople think I don't get sarcasm.
AmyWell, well, well. Look who it is.
PennyOkay, be nice.
PennyHi. We're just heading out for a drink.
AmyBecause I do that now.
BernadetteCount your blessings you're not a Tanzanian chimp.
PennyDon't listen to her, she's had a lot of ice cream. Do you wanna join us?
PriyaOh, thank you, but I have work to do.
AmyFour women walk down the stairs, how many reach the lobby?
LeonardDid your sister say anything when you got home last night?
RajOh, no, don't put me in the middle of this. I'm not going to be your go-between.
LeonardCome on, help me out. Am I in trouble?
RajThere's no reason to worry.
LeonardThat's a relief.
RajI'm sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.
HowardGood news, gentlemen, I found our hacker.
HowardYeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman.
SheldonI've never said these words before, but good job, Howard!
HowardThanks. Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
SheldonThe name and the address drip with evil.
RajWhat else do we know about him?
HowardWell, quite a bit, actually.
LeonardI'll bet he's some loser who lives with his parents.
HowardYes, he does live with his parents. Here's a Google Earth shot of their house.
SheldonExcellent! It's in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.
LeonardHold on, you're thinking of going there?
SheldonCarlsbad is only a couple of hours away.
LeonardFine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?
SheldonI don't know if you've been following the news, Leonard, but there've been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.
LeonardNo one's getting tortured.
SheldonFine, we'll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?
RajI totally had one of those.
SheldonOf course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who's with me?
RajI have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after?
HowardAlso, tonight's the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and watching Wheel of Fortune, so, if we could leave at eight, we'd still be able to regain our birthright at ten, ten thirty latest.
LeonardOh, geez, I don't know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row.
RajOh, come on, man. Bros before... my sister.
LeonardAw, screw it. I'm in.
SheldonOne moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I'm hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.
SheldonI'm sorry, I thought this delay was so you could watch Wheel of Fortune with your mother.
HowardI am. She's just bleaching her moustache. Check it out. Hey, Ma! Before and After! Four words, 17 letters, two N's, one V.
Ms. WolowitzFanny pack of wolves.
HowardYeah, she's kind of a Wheel savant.
Leonard(Phone rings) Uh-oh, that's Priya.
RajSitar music for her ringtone is not cool, dude.
LeonardHit the- (Motions to Howard to turn the TV down) Hey, sweetie. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be working late. I, I, I miss you too. Okay, sure, I'll call you when I get home. Okay, bye-bye.
RajVery nice. You lie to my sister.
HowardThat's the nicest thing he does to your sister.
Raj(Phone rings) Oh, guess who.
LeonardCover for me.
RajHello, Priya. What's up? How would I know if Leonard's at work or not? Don't be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you're going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. (To Leonard) You owe me.
HowardNew puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D's, three O's.
Ms. WolowitzWhoopi and Rube Goldberg!
HowardI know. It's her superpower. Well, that and jiggling her arm fat.
LeonardI can't believe we're going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.
HowardYeah, we're kind of bad-asses, aren't we?
RajHey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning?
SheldonSeaWorld is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let's stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.
RajYeah, we're coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive.
SheldonI almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?
RajI took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.
SheldonThis says Beyonce Bootylicious Dance Mix.
RajIt's a re-writable CD. Just put it in.
RajShe's curvy and she owns it. I like that.
Leonard(As Ride of the Valkyries begins) Oh, yeah, I'm feeling it.
SheldonWe are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.
Stuck in a traffic tailback.
HowardNext time we go to kick someone's ass, we take the train.
SheldonI always prefer the train.
Outside Todd Zarnecki's house.
LeonardSheldon, let's go.
HowardWhy did you bring that?
SheldonNo weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
LeonardOkay, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's bat'lething anybody.
SheldonSo my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
SheldonWell, now I just feel silly holding it.
SheldonCan I at least kick down the door?
LeonardYou're welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)
Voice InsideWho is it?
RajDon't say your doom. Who opens the door for their doom?
SheldonGood point. Basket of puppies.
Huge man(Opening door) What?
SheldonAre you Todd Zarnecki?
ToddYeah. Who are you?
SheldonI am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.
ToddI don't think so. Let me see that. (Snatches the bat'leth)
SheldonCareful. That's a collectible.
ToddI know. I've always wanted one. (Closes door)
SheldonWell, he's even more cunning than we thought.
SheldonYou know, the joke's on him. Without the certificate of authenticity, that bat'leth is worthless.
HowardYeah, he walked right into our trap.
RajLegoland seems like a hollow dream now.
RajWhat's the matter?
LeonardSomething's wrong, I'm not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?
LeonardDoes anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?
HowardNo, not a clue.
LeonardWell, we'd better call somebody to come pick us up.
SheldonIt'd be swell if they had a train.
SheldonThank you, Penny.
PennyNo problem. So, Leonard, I think it's interesting you didn't call your girlfriend to come get you.
LeonardUh, I kinda told her I was working.
PennySo you lied to her. Also interesting.
LeonardYeah, she doesn't really understand the whole Warcraft adventure-role-playing thing.
PennyWell, doesn't matter if she gets it, only she's pretty.
HowardThis one's funny, Leonard. How come you couldn't make it work with her?
PennySo did you at least get Sheldon's fake stuff back?
SheldonNo. We failed in our noble quest.
SheldonTodd Zarnecki was mean.
PennyAll right. Hang on.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
PennyI'm gonna show you how we finish a quest in Nebraska. Oh. Beyonce. (Ride of the Valkyries) This ain't no Beyonce.
Todd Zarnecki's house. Todd answers the door.
PennyGive my friend his stuff back.
ToddI don't know what you're talking about.
PennyWell then, good news. Today's the day a girl's finally gonna touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.
SheldonWe did it! I said, we.
PriyaOh, hold the door.
PennyGoing to see Leonard?
PriyaYes. How have you been?
PriyaVery well, thank you.
(They ascend all three flights of stairs in silence.)
PennyAlright, well great seeing you.
PriyaYeah, you too.
PennyAmy's right. I do wanna fling my poop at her.