A public washroom. Amy and Penny are in cubicles, Bernadette is washing her hands. AmyI must say, Penny, this is great fun.
PennyGlad you're enjoying yourself.
AmyUntil I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now they have a delightful social aspect.
BernadetteAmy, you must've been in the bathroom with other women before.
AmyOf course I have. But they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.
BernadetteSome women don't like to get chummy when their panties are down.
AmyYou okay in there, bestie?
PennyI'm fine.
AmyThe reason I ask is that many people experience bladder shyness, the inability to pass urine- PennyYeah, I said I'm fine. Stop talking to me.
AmyShe always this crabby when she urinates?
BernadetteWe're really not that close.
PennyScrew it. I'll go later.
AmyAnd I'll be right by your side. A shoe shop. BernadetteDid I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
PennyOh, that's nice.
AmyNo, it's not. It's a strategic maneuver. Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.
BernadetteYou think?
AmyOf course. How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
BernadetteWell, what makes me the weakest member?
AmyYour trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn't last a minute on the Serengeti.
PennyOkay, Amy, you're being silly. I am not concerned about who hangs out with who. And I certainly don't have a problem with Leonard's new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup. Oh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I'll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
BernadetteIt doesn't matter. I'm gonna tell her we can't make it.
AmyOh, no. You have to go.
BernadetteI don't understand. I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.
AmyYou are, with hair that smells like strawberries. And we're gonna use that to our advantage.
PennyWait. What are you talking about?
AmyBy accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes a double agent inside the enemy camp. She could ferret out Priya's tactics, identify her weaknesses and feed her false information, such as, Leonard's no stranger to back-alley cockfights.
BernadetteI don't know. I'm not a very good liar. They kinda whup that out of you in Catholic school.
AmyDon't worry. I'll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.
PennyOkay, I don't know you people. I'm just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.
AmyHow do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
BernadetteI don't want anything in my ample bosom.
AmyCome on, Strawberries. Take one for the team. The living room. LeonardOkay, see you later.
SheldonGood news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
LeonardThat is good news. Bye.
SheldonUh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
LeonardThat, that's brilliant.
SheldonIt's what I do. But wait, there's more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.
LeonardOkay, now I have to ask. What do they do?
SheldonWhen the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.
LeonardAll right.
SheldonUnless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case, she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.
SheldonThat's because it's simple.
LeonardOkay, well, I look forward to playing with you.
LeonardAnd what?
SheldonAnd a third person. It's three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
LeonardExcuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.
SheldonYes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn't been such a hound dog, we'd all have time machines.
LeonardGot it. Bye.
SheldonYou know I'm right.
Leonard(Outside apartment) I think he's getting worse.
AmyOh, my metatarsal are barking. (Comes up the stairs wearing high heels)
LeonardYou okay?
AmyYeah, yeah. I'm just breaking in some new shoes.
LeonardVery pretty.
AmyThank you. Did you know that women wear high heels to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?
LeonardHadn't really thought about it.
LeonardUh, sure. Very... prominent.
AmyPlease, Leonard, don't leer, you have a girlfriend.
AmySo, are you off to dinner with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?
LeonardYeah. How did you know?
AmyI heard it at the mall, when I was shopping with my girlfriends, 'cause, you know, that's kind of my life now. Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away. Raj's apartment. PriyaHey, you.
LeonardHi. Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?
RajThe lonely guy and the two happy couples? I'd rather get a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.
PriyaOh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?
RajI have to feel sorry for myself. I'm the only one who cares. Just like I'm the only one who'll have sex with me.
LeonardReally? In front of your sister?
PriyaWe shared a room growing up. This is not news to me.
RajExcuse me. I'm gonna go wander the streets alone. Invisible, unwanted and unloved, a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart. (Leaves, then returns a moment later) I forgot my windbreaker. It's chilly. Penny's apartment. AmyI don't understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?
PennyNo. Once these puppies touch the ground they're mine, and I'll have to wear them walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard in order to pay them off. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
AmyGood news: the wildebeest is in the curry.
PennyThe what?
AmyBernadette is with Priya and Leonard. Message received. Commence operation "Priya Wouldn't Wanna Be-ya."
PennyHey. Seriously? Didn't you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
AmyI wish. A clique requires friends. I didn't have any.
AmyI used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop. Hang on. It's the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
PennyWh- What the hell did she say?
AmyShe thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.
PennyThat bitch!
AmyHow do you wanna handle it?
PennyUm, okay. Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
AmyGot it. Is it gonna to be in 3-D?
PennyWhat? I don't know. It doesn't matter.
AmyI'm gonna say 3-D. That'll let her know the studio has faith in it. Raj's apartment. They are playing Jenga. LeonardYou're kidding. 3-D?
BernadetteThat's what I hear.
HowardThen the studio must have real faith in it.
LeonardWonder why she didn't tell me.
PriyaHave you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
PriyaThen why are you surprised she didn't tell you?
LeonardWell, it's not as much surprised as, uh, uh, you know, uh. th-th-th-the other thing.
PriyaWhat other thing?
LeonardWell, you know, if you, if, if, if you, uh, I don't, oh, what's the word I'm looking for?
HowardI'm not gonna help you. This is hilarious.
BernadetteShe's also dating an astronaut.
PriyaWow. That's very impressive.
BernadetteYeah. But Leonard's impressive, too.
LeonardThank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled. The apartment. Sheldon is playing three person chess by himself. SheldonKnight to old woman six-and-a-third. Brilliant move. Thank you. (Knock on door) Will the two of you excuse me?
RajI need a hug.
SheldonSorry, I have company. (Closes the door)
RajCome on, Sheldon, open the door.
SheldonI don't want to hug you.
RajI don't wanna hug you, either. I was just feeling blue.
SheldonBlue, as in depressed.
RajWell, not so much depressed as lonely.
SheldonI don't know what color lonely is.
SheldonRed is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a color to lonely.
RajNothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely.
SheldonAll right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don't see that catching on at all.
RajWhat are you doing?
SheldonI'm working on my three-person chess game.
RajOh, cool. Can I play?
SheldonIt's three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?
SheldonThen as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can't play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.
RajNo, thank you. I'm fine.
SheldonNo, it's not optional. We're out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.
RajI, uh, I guess you're probably wondering what's got me down.
SheldonActually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king's feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?
RajI'm gonna be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I'm such a basket case, I can't even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.
SheldonThe fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there's a one-in-five chance he'll kill himself.
RajSheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I'm scared.
SheldonYellow. Go ahead.
RajA friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they're testing. He says it's the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.
SheldonFascinating. What's in it?
RajI'm not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.
SheldonI like cows.
RajThat's not the point.
SheldonIt was its own point. Go on.
RajI'm a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I'm afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.
SheldonRajesh, I've had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs. Raj's apartment. HowardOkay, I'm still trying to work this out. How did Penny meet an astronaut?
BernadetteI don't know. The regular way people meet astronauts.
HowardMost of those guys live in Texas.
BernadetteObviously, this one doesn't.
BernadetteLeonard lives here. Priya's from India. People meet, Howard. God!
BernadetteYou've met lots of astronauts, and I've never grilled you about that. I'd thank you to extend me the same courtesy.
HowardI'm not grilling you, I was just curious.
LeonardI still can't get over the fact that she got a big movie part. Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend's up to, 'cause I don't.
BernadetteMaybe that's where she met the astronaut, all right?
PriyaI'm sorry. What would an astronaut be doing working on a movie?
BernadetteHe's a consultant.
LeonardI thought the movie was about 18th-century Vienna?
BernadetteHe can't have a hobby? Excuse me, I have to pee. Or is that implausible, as well? (Leaves)
HowardIt's nice to have another couple to hang with, isn't it? Penny's apartment. Penny(To the shoes) All right, guys, you have to go back. I can't afford you. "No, don't send us away, we love you." I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent. "But, Penny, you look so good in us." Damn it, the shoes are right.
AmyGood golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless. (Phone rings) What do you got for me, wildebeest?
Bernadette(In Raj's bathroom) I think they're on to me. The story's starting to fall apart.
AmyCalm down. Everything's gonna be okay. (To Penny) We may have to kill her. Bernadette, I'm putting you on speakerphone. Where are you now?
BernadetteIn the bathroom.
AmyOh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests. What's the problem?
BernadetteThey're just asking all sorts of questions I can't answer.
AmyJust change the subject.
BernadetteI suppose I could get them back to talking about Leonard going to India to meet Priya's parents.
BernadetteThey said something about going there this summer.
PennyWhat, are they getting engaged?
BernadetteI don't know. I was too busy covering my heinie on Amy's stupid astronaut story!
AmyWhat astronaut story?
BernadetteYou texted me Penny's dating an astronaut.
AmyI texted architect. That's amusing. Auto-correct must've changed it.
BernadetteYeah, it's hysterical.
PennyAll right, look, just forget about the astronaut.
AmyArchitect. Where would you have met an astronaut?
PennyLook, just find out what's up with this trip to India.
BernadetteI don't wanna do this anymore!
PennyDon't you quit on us!
Howard(Knocking on bathroom door) Bernie, you okay?
Bernadette(Screaming) It was an architect! A coffee shop. RajThank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You're a good friend.
SheldonI'm glad you think so. That's what I strive to emulate.
RajOkay, let's see if this drug works.
Woman at tableCan I help you?
RajForgive me for staring, but you're very beautiful.
WomanThank you. That's a great accent. Where are you from?
WomanOh, cool. I've always wanted to go there.
RajIt's a beautiful country. You'd love it. May I join you?
WomanUh, okay, sure. Why not?
RajMy name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
SheldonOh, there's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe.
WomanWhat's he observing?
RajWe're scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone. (Gives Sheldon a bill)
SheldonAll right.
RajAnd what is your name?
RajOh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.
AngelaYou're cute.
Sheldon(At the counter) I'd like to buy a scone.
ServerOh, I'm sorry, we're out. We have muffins.
SheldonThey sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.
AngelaWhat are you doing?
Raj(Taking his shirt off) Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
SheldonThey were out of scones.
Raj(Removing his trousers) Sheldon, I'm talking to someone. You're being rude. I'll bet you're an actress. If not, you should be. You have a very expressive face.
AngelaOh, my God.
RajWait, where are you going? We were doing so well. She never even got to see my penis. (Takes off his underwear) Ta-da! (Sheldon's observing) Raj's apartment. PriyaWho wants some more coffee?
LeonardThanks, yeah.
BernadetteLet me help you.
HowardNice to see that the gals are getting along.
LeonardGals? Who are you, Fred Flintstone?
BernadetteThis trip to India sounds fun.
PriyaYeah, I think it will be.
BernadetteAre you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard?
PriyaA little. They're very old-fashioned.
BernadetteWell, I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like you guys are getting engaged, right?
PriyaOh, God, no. We're not there yet.
BernadetteNot engaged. Very interesting. I have to tinkle.
PriyaYou've been in there a lot tonight. Are you okay?
BernadetteYes. Are you writing a book?
PriyaWhy are you getting upset?
BernadetteI'm not upset. Maybe you're upset.
PriyaWhat's up with you? Bernadette?
BernadetteI can't do this anymore! I'm a good girl! I went to Catholic school! (Storms out)
HowardOkay, well, it's getting late. This was terrific. You win. Bernie?
LeonardI think the word you're looking for is befuddled. The apartment. Sheldon, Leonard and Howard are playing three person chess. SheldonMy catapult flings my bishop to Howard's Queen's Gorilla two.
HowardNice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out, at Leonard's Queen's Bishop five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.
LeonardHang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?
SheldonWhen it's done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.
LeonardOh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.
SheldonI knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.
Raj(Still naked) Hey, I've got winners.