The Cheesecake Factory. PennyHey, do me a favor and take table seven.
BernadetteYou mean the one with my one hundred and eighteen-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who's prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
PennyNah, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful and sophisticated girlfriend, who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
BernadetteDo you want me to spill hot soup on her?
PennyOh, please, you're not that kind of person.
BernadetteI know. But if she orders something low-fat I'll totally give her the full-fat version.
LeonardUh, that's my water.
LeonardMy water. You're drinking it.
SheldonDear Lord! Have you been drinking it?
LeonardYes. It's my water.
SheldonWell, that's it then. I'm dead.
LeonardHere we go.
SheldonI'm sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
RajHey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other.
BernadetteYou guys ready to order?
SheldonYes, I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint.
BernadetteI don't understand.
HowardHe drank from Leonard's glass.
SheldonHe drank from Leonard's glass. Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
LeonardThat's actually my napkin.
SheldonOh, this is a nightmare!
HowardWhere are you going?
SheldonTo the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gangway! Dead man walking! The same. BernadetteAll right. Here you go. Two lemonades, one iced tea and a root beer for Priya.
PriyaIs it diet?
BernadetteThat's what you ordered.
PriyaThank you. Hey, have you and Howard started planning your wedding yet?
BernadetteYeah. We're thinking of having it on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
HowardNothing soothes those pre-wedding jitters like the thought of falling and drowning.
LeonardWhat did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
BernadetteHe hasn't told her yet. He's waiting for the right time.
HowardI was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
PriyaHoward, you've got to tell your mother.
HowardHey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk here?
PriyaUh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
HowardRight, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.
SheldonI gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
LeonardYou all right?
SheldonFine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much. The apartment. SheldonFire demon.
RajOoh, fire demon. Sheldon's turning up the heat.
HowardTroll master.
RajCheck it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
LeonardWater nymph.
RajOh, yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
SheldonCould you please play the game without commenting on every card?
RajSorry. Walking tree.
SheldonLast one.
RajI'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood.
Howard(Reading a text) Okay, the Eagle has landed.
LeonardWhat's going on?
HowardBernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
RajOh, that sounds lovely.
HowardHope so. Of course, if history is any indication, my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
LeonardHave you met Bernadette's parents?
HowardYou mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goosestep at a time.
RajSheldon, that's my water.
SheldonOh, dear Lord!
LeonardThat's not your water.
RajI know.
SheldonWhere's the mouthwash?
Raj(Holding it) Where indeed. Howard's house. HowardMa, I'm home! Where are you?
Ms. WolowitzI'm in the toilet.
HowardSo, how'd it go?
Ms. WolowitzToo soon to say. I'm not done yet.
HowardNo, I mean lunch, today, with Bernadette.
Ms. WolowitzOh! I had a pastrami sandwich. She had eggplant lasagna. Like that's what a person orders in a Jewish deli.
HowardBesides food, did you get along? Did you talk?
Ms. WolowitzOh, sure. Did you know she's going to school to become a microbiologist?
HowardNo, she never mentioned it.
Ms. WolowitzI bet she did and you didn't listen.
HowardYeah, that's probably it. So, what do you think? Do you like her? She's great, huh?
Ms. WolowitzShe's a lovely girl. Cute as a button.
HowardThat's good to hear, 'cause I've got some news.
Ms. WolowitzI hope it's good news, because I've got nothing but disappointment in here!
HowardBernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? (Crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Stand back, I'm gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn't break down. Falls over.) Son of a bitch! Ma, help! The laundry room. PennyHey.
PennyHaven't seen you in a while. How's it going?
SheldonOh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?
PennyI don't know, maybe, I have no idea what you said.
SheldonSo, your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?
PennyMy mirth. Classic.
SheldonIs there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?
PennyIt's not a big deal, Sheldon. It's just, ever since Leonard's been dating Raj's sister, I've had to keep my distance. I don't get to hear all your jibber-jabber.
SheldonJibber-jabber? I don't jibber-jabber.
PennyWhat are you doing at work these days?
SheldonOh, I'm working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.
PennyAlright, come on, even you have to admit that's jibber-jabber.
SheldonInteresting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
PennyOh, my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.
LeonardHoward and his mother are at the hospital. Come on, we gotta go.
PennyOh, my God! What happened?
LeonardI don't know, I just got a text. Come on, hurry.
LeonardSheldon, let's go!
SheldonTo a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
PennyOkay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we're going.
SheldonI can't.
PennyOh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
SheldonNot all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It's the same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
LeonardRight, fine. I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
SheldonI would think he would know that.
PennyOkay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
SheldonFine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel. A hospital waiting room. HowardSo I knocked down the bathroom door, picked up my poor unconscious mother, carried her to the car, and drove like a madman to the emergency room.
BernadetteYou're a real hero, Howard.
HowardNo, I did what any son would do.
PennyHang on a second, you picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
HowardI was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off babies.
PennyYeah, I'm saying, it'd be easier to lift a car.
HowardWhat can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
LeonardSo, how is she?
HowardThey're running tests. I don't know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.
PennyWhat's the difference?
SheldonA heart-attack-like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
PennyThanks for clearing that up.
SheldonRegardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What's more likely going to kill Howard's mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.
PennyOkay, you're not helping.
LeonardGo sit over there.
SheldonI'll sit over there, it looks cleaner.
LeonardIs there a history of heart disease in your family?
HowardMy family is the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this (clutches chest).
BernadetteSo it's probably genetic.
HowardWell, maybe. Mom also had just gotten some news that might have upset her.
HowardIt's not important.
BernadetteCome on, Howard, I'm gonna be your wife. You can share anything with me.
HowardYou'd think that. But no.
BernadetteYou told her we were gonna get married and she had a heart attack?
HowardYou can't take that personally.
PennyHow else is she supposed to take it?
HowardWhat you've got to keep in mind is that, ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
BernadetteYou mean sexual intercourse?
HowardWell, when you say it like that you make it sound creepy.
Priya(Arriving) What happened?
BernadetteHoward's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't.
HowardBernie, wait!
Sheldon(To Raj) I'll give you $1,000 if you'll drive me home. The same, later. PriyaNice of you to come for Howard.
PennyWell, he's my friend. It's what you do. (Laughs)
PriyaI'm sorry, did I miss something?
PennyIt's just so weird. Howard Wolowitz is my friend. You know, once he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose. {212}
PriyaThat's a little easier to believe than he's your friend.
PennyYeah, tell me about it.
PriyaYou know, my brother had a group of friends like this in India. They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves the New Delhi Power Rangers.
PennyYou mean when he was little.
PriyaNot as little as you'd want him to be.
PennyYou know, this stuff is horrible. You wanna see if we can find the cafeteria and get real coffee?
PriyaSure. We're going to the cafeteria to get some coffee. You want anything?
LeonardI'm fine. (They leave) That's nice that they're getting along.
RajYour girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend are hanging out together? Oh, yeah, that can only be good for you.
LeonardWhat are you talking about?
RajOne of them broke up with you. Do you really want her telling the other one why?
LeonardI don't care. I don't have anything to hide.
RajGood, good. Then you have nothing to worry about.
LeonardNo, I do not. You are a mean little man.
RajYou'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.
HowardBernie, it's not you. She's just set in her ways.
BernadetteHow can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
HowardIt's the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.
SheldonHoward, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
HowardWhat's wrong with the bathroom here?
SheldonPneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus, and other assorted coccuses.
HowardSheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiance is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm not taking you home.
SheldonWill you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
SheldonThis might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take. (A doctor comes out of a door) Hold the door.
DoctorMr. Wolowitz?
HowardIs she okay?
DoctorIt wasn't a heart attack. She's awake, she's resting comfortably, we're still running a few tests.
HowardCan I see her?
DoctorActually, she said, and I quote, she'd "like to see the little Catholic girl first."
BernadetteMe? Why me?
HowardJews have been asking that for centuries. There's no real good answer.
BernadetteOkay, wish me luck.
HowardDon't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
DoctorYou brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
DoctorWhy don't I write you a prescription for Xanax. A bathroom. A man comes in. Sheldon(Comes out without touching the door) Finally. (Accidentally goes into a room with a "CAUTION BIOHAZARD" sign) Oh, what fresh hell is this?
DoctorWait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed.
Sheldon(Covers his mouth with the collar) No, I haven't. It's all good.
A hallway. PennyYou wanna talk about crazy mothers, Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up.
PriyaOh, the poor thing.
PennyIt makes him desperate to please women. That's why the foreplay goes on and on.
PriyaIt does, doesn't it?
PennyIt's like he's trying to win a prize. A word of advice: don't doze off. You will never hear the end of it.
Sheldon(In the room) Help me! Come back! Penny! The waiting room. LeonardThere are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly, but...
RajLike what?
LeonardEvery once in a while, before we go to bed, I put on a little show for her.
RajWhat do you mean "a show"?
LeonardWell, you know, the way I took my clothes off.
RajLike, to music?
LeonardI'd look pretty stupid if there was no music.
RajSo you do a striptease?
LeonardI wasn't swinging around a pole.
RajGood, good.
LeonardThere was one time I put body glitter on.
RajWell, I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
LeonardNo, she wouldn't.
RajYour big problem is me telling her.
LeonardYou really are a mean little man.
PriyaOh, God, that's so true.
PennyI know, right?
LeonardHey, what took you guys so long?
PriyaOh, we were just chatting.
LeonardThat's nice. What about?
PennyWe were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
LeonardThat's funny. (They walk away)
RajWhat if she wasn't kidding?
LeonardIt doesn't matter. I'm the king of foreplay.
[Bernadette comes out]
HowardHey, how'd it go?
BernadetteYou're a putz! You know what that means?
HowardYeah. Do you?
BernadetteYour mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
HowardAnd are you?
BernadetteNo, because I'm engaged to a putz.
You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.
HowardWell, based on the available evid-
BernadetteShut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
HowardWhere are you going?
BernadetteTo the toilet! Is that okay with you?!
HowardIs it just me or did she sound sexy when she's angry? The room. Sheldon's in bed, the other guys are in isolation suit. SheldonMountain Elf.
RajHe takes the elf from off the shelf.
LeonardHell Hounds.
RajHell Hounds, who let the Satanic dogs out? Who? Who-who?
HowardColossal Serpent.
RajI got a colossal serpent right here. (Touches his genitals)
SheldonMust you?
RajSorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting Zombie. Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
SheldonZandor, Wizard of the North. Ha! I win.
HowardIf you skip the part about being under a two-week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.