The apartment. Leonard is laying out wine and napkins in front of his laptop. SheldonWhat are you doing?
LeonardOh, uh, Priya's calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.
SheldonIt's eight o'clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?
LeonardFine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.
SheldonAll right, so technically it's not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you'd open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?
LeonardThat doesn't sound like mocking.
SheldonYou didn't let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?
LeonardI don't know. Why?
SheldonParaffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).
LeonardListen, I don't wanna be rude, but Priya's gonna be calling any minute, so-
SheldonOh, yes, Priya. (Sits down) Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.
LeonardYes, I've always admired that about you.
SheldonAs well you should. But, I'm going to make an exception here.
LeonardOh, good.
SheldonPriya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.
LeonardA hobby?
SheldonYes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.
LeonardYou know, some people might say that it's great that we're trying to make things work long distance. They'd say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.
SheldonWhen I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
LeonardYou video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
SheldonDon't you like Amy?
LeonardOf course I like Amy.
SheldonWell, there's the difference. (Skype tone rings)
LeonardExcuse me, that's Priya.
Priya(On screen) Hi, Leonard.
LeonardHey, honey.
PriyaI miss you.
LeonardOh, I miss you, too.
SheldonI miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store. Penny's apartment. SheldonThanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.
PennyOh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We're like an old married couple.
SheldonIf we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.
PennyI don't have iced tea and snickerdoodles.
SheldonA good wife would go to the store.
PennyI want a divorce.
SheldonGood. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.
PennyOh, it's great, isn't it?
SheldonIt is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.
PennyWhat name?
SheldonChair.
PennyOh, all right, well, I'm glad you like it. I mean, I still can't get over the fact someone just threw it away.
SheldonWhat?
PennyYeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here.
Sheldon(Jumps up) Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)
PennyWhat is wrong?
SheldonI've been sitting in garbage!
PennySheldon, take it easy.
SheldonYou take it easy! I need to use your shower.
PennyI went into this marriage with so much hope.
SheldonThere's a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment). Howard's workshop. RajThis is fun. I've never used a hydraulic thermoforming press before.
HowardPretty sweet, huh? This little baby set the university back 175 grand.
LeonardThat's three minutes. Should we see what we got?
HowardHang on.
RajOh, yeah. This is one good-looking panini.
HowardHand me the tuna melt.
LeonardYep.
HowardThank you. How's it going with the long-distance love affair?
LeonardNot easy, but we're making it work.
HowardWhen you say making it work, does that include doing the cyber nasty?
LeonardWhat?
HowardYou know, the virtual pickle-tickle. The digital bow chicka bow bow.
RajCome on, dude. This is my sister you're talking about.
HowardHey, Leonard jiggling his junk at her through a webcam has got to be easier for you to deal with than him actually touching her with it.
LeonardThere's no junk jiggling. We just talk.
HowardAre you insane? With high-speed Internet, you have at your fingertips the greatest advancement in the field of sex since the invention of the washcloth.
LeonardI can't do that.
HowardWell, if you don't, you're gonna lose Priya to some fancy guy in a turban who grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.
RajHow can you be so racist?
HowardOh, come on, tell me I'm wrong.
Sheldon(Entering) Oh, Leonard, good. There you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
LeonardI did it last night, I'm not doing it again.
HowardJust his head, right? {"Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?" FRIENDS, season 9, episode 7}
LeonardI don't wanna talk about it. You didn't catch bugs from Penny's chair.
SheldonYes, I did. And now they're cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.
LeonardSheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
SheldonName one time I've ever done that.
LeonardHow about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd started growing again.
SheldonI said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills. Penny's apartment door. SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennyYello.
SheldonYou need to remove that chair from the building. It's a health hazard.
PennyOkay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.
SheldonReally?
PennyYeah. It's cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.
SheldonIt certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That's reassuring.
PennyWhy don't you give it a try, Sheldon?
SheldonAll right. It is a comfortable chair.
PennyWhy don't you just admit you overreacted?
SheldonNo, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny's apartment.
LeonardIt's like living with a Chihuahua.
Sheldon(At Penny's door) Penny. Penny. Penny.
PennyWhat's up, buttercup?
SheldonYou have to get rid of the chair.
PennyNope. (Closes door)
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennyWhat's the word, hummingbird?
SheldonFor your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.
PennyNo. (Closes door)
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennyWhat's the gist, physicist?
SheldonUnder my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). Penny. Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) Penny. (Runs off) Leonard's bedroom. LeonardSo, here we are. Back in bed together.
Priya(On laptop screen) Yep, here we are.
LeonardOkay, so I, I, I guess I'll just jump right in.
PriyaAll right.
LeonardUh, you're a naughty girl. And, and, uh, I, I wanna punish you with my love?
PriyaWhat?
LeonardNot good?
PriyaThat's terrible. Try again.
LeonardOkay. Uh, uh, you're not naughty. Uh, you're, you're, you're dirty. You're, you're a, a dirty girl?
PriyaOh, yes. Yes, I am.
LeonardYeah, yeah. Uh, okay. You're a, you're a, you're a, a dirty, disgusting, revolting girl. Ugh!
PriyaGod, Leonard, stop talking.
LeonardWhy don't you just give me five minutes? I'll Google how to do this. I'll call you right back.
PriyaShh-shh-shh. Just be quiet and do what I tell you.
LeonardOkay, like usual. Good.
PriyaTake off your shirt.
LeonardAll rightie. Shirt coming off. Ta-da! Man nipples.
PriyaI said be quiet.
LeonardYes, ma'am.
PriyaNow take off your shorts.
LeonardTaking shorts off. There we go. Naked, naked, naked!
PriyaWonderful. Now I'll take off my clothes.
LeonardCool. (computer screen freezes) Uh-oh!
PriyaHere I am, baby. You miss these?
LeonardOh, damn it!
PriyaOh, Leonard! Already?
LeonardNo, no! No-no-no! The screen froze. It's probably just buffering, just give it a second.
PriyaFine.
LeonardSo, how are your mom and dad?
PriyaYeah, I really don't want to talk about my parents now.
LeonardYeah. Sure, sure.
Sheldon(Calling from outside) If your video's frozen, try resetting the TCP/IP stack.
LeonardOhhh! I didn't even think of that. Thanks.
SheldonYou're welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here. Amy's apartment. Amy is playing a harp. AmyFive, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes-
SheldonAmy. Amy. Amy.
AmyOh... (Opens the door) You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
SheldonIs not. Is not, is not.
AmyDenial. Denial, denial. Come in.
SheldonThank you.
AmyWould you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?
SheldonNo.
AmyHow about the theme song to the classic television show Diff'rent Strokes? Now the world don't move to the beat-
SheldonNo.
AmyWell, that's every song I know. What's up?
SheldonYou're good friends with Penny, right?
AmyBest friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.
SheldonI was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
AmyFor general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
SheldonCholera is water-borne. You're mocking me.
AmyYes, I am.
SheldonPenny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.
AmySheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
SheldonAll right, name your price.
AmyKiss me where I've never been kissed before.
SheldonYou mean like Salt Lake City?
AmyNever mind. I'll talk to Penny.
SheldonThank you.
AmyWill you listen to me play my harp now?
SheldonNo. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I'm going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I'm sorry, Mommy. Don't be mad at me. Don't do that! Howard's workshop. LeonardI don't know about this, Howard.
HowardWhat? You're having trouble with the long-distance lovemaking. This is your answer. There are two interfaces that simulate a human mouth. You have one, Priya has one in India. When you move your lips and tongue on yours, it transmits exactly what you're doing to hers. See? Internet kissing. (Howard kisses device) Give it a try.
LeonardI don't think so.
RajI'll try it. Like this?
HowardAlmost. Really get your tongue in there, to activate the motion sensor.
RajLike this?
HowardClose. Really French it.
RajBetter?
HowardYeah, you got it, you got it.
RajI'm impressed. This is very lifelike.
HowardWhoa! You just bit my tongue!
RajI, I nibbled. I was being playful.
HowardWhy do you have to make everything weird?
RajSorry. Better?
HowardOh, yeah. Penny's apartment. PennyPretty cool, huh? Probably would cost, like, two hundred bucks in a store.
AmyI do appreciate a bargain. This entire ensemble once belonged to my dead grandmother.
PennyYou're kidding.
AmyEverything except bra and panties. And they're a leopard-spotted secret I share with Victoria.
PennyAnd now me.
AmyI just have one question about the chair.
PennyAnd what's that?
AmyAren't you worried about it being unhygienic?
PennyNo, it's completely fine. Hmm. I get it. Sheldon sent you. He put you up to this.
AmyNo, he didn't.
PennyReally?
AmyYes, he did. He absolutely did.
PennyMy God, Amy, that's really crappy of you.
AmyIt is?
PennyYeah! Letting Sheldon use you to manipulate me? I thought you were my friend.
AmyNo, I am your friend. Please don't be mad at me.
PennyI can't even believe this. You know, maybe you should just go.
AmyNo, no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I take it all back. Look. I'm, uh, I'm sitting in your chair. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a great chair. Please let me continue to be part of your world. Ow!
PennyWhat's wrong?
AmySomething in the chair's biting my tushy. It's not important. Ow!
PennyWait. Get up, get up! (She does. Something is moving in the seat cushion. They both run out of the apartment screaming.) Swear you won't tell Sheldon what happened!
Amy(Between screams) I swear! Can I tell my doctor? I'm probably gonna need shots!
Penny(Also still screaming) Yeah, sure! Leonard's bedroom. LeonardOh, hey, babe, I-I think I figured this thing out.
Priya(On screen) Oh, Leonard, listen-
LeonardNo, you listen. You're my woman, and I'm gonna make you feel things you have never felt before.
PriyaLeonard-
LeonardThat's right, say my name, and beg me for more, 'cause, I'm gonna give it to you.
PriyaMy parents are here.
Dr KoothrappaliHello, Leonard, if I may also say your name. The street outside the apartment block. HowardCheck it out. Free chair.
RajYeah. Hey, you know, if this was in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, I wouldn't wind up sitting on the floor all the time.
HowardOn three?
TogetherThree!
RajWhat kind of idiot throws away a terrific chair like this?