SheldonThe entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
HowardI say, hey Ma, what's for dinner?"
Sheldon(Rolls the dice) Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too.
LeonardHey, how go the wedding plans, Howard?
HowardGreat. We spent five hours last night at Macy's registering for gifts. Looks like I'm finally gonna have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I've always wanted.
LeonardSee, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want.
HowardYou mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?
LeonardMaybe. We enter the dungeon.
SheldonYou see a dragon.
HowardReally? So, we're playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?
SheldonWhen you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?
LeonardAre you gonna eat that whole pie?
RajMaybe. Why not? Who do I have in my life to watch my figure for?
LeonardOh, God, did you watch Bridget Jones again?
RajNo, it's just that everybody's got someone. Sheldon's with Amy, Howard's getting married, you're dating my sister.
LeonardYou know, now that Howard's getting married, maybe he'll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you.
RajYou know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas.
HowardEat another pie, you'll have your own bazongas.
RajThat's cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips.
SheldonGentlemen, please focus. You're facing a fire-breathing dragon.
RajI don't know if I wanna play anymore.
SheldonBecause you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.
AmyNow, I assume we use this same wax later on to neaten up each other's bikini regions.
PennyYeah, my bikini region is fine.
AmyWho's shocked? I'm not. So, Bernadette, how's the wedding planning going? And I'm not asking as a prospective bridesmaid. Pick me! Pick me!
BernadetteWe went cake-tasting yesterday. Raj came along. He cried and ate half the samples.
PennyOh, the poor guy's so lonely. We should set him up with someone.
BernadetteYou know, I met a really cute girl at work. She's married to a guy in one of our drug trials.
PennyWell, hello? She's married.
BernadetteYeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he's in the placebo group.
PennyOkay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat.
The Cheesecake Factory.
LeonardAre we ready to order?
SheldonOne moment. I'm conducting an experiment.
HowardWith Dungeons and Dragons dice?
SheldonYes. From here on in, I've decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.
HowardSo, what's for dinner?
SheldonA side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting.
PennyUm, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please?
HowardUh, I don't wanna show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.
PennyUh, no, that's not it. Just come with me, please.
SheldonLet's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.
LeonardDo you really want that?
SheldonThat's the great thing. It doesn't matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.
RajWhat's it thinking about now?
SheldonHamburgers and lemonade.
PennyUm, Raj, there's someone I want you to meet. This is my friend Emily. I know her from my spin class. (Raj whispers something in Leonard's ear) No, Raj, relax. She can't hear you. She's deaf.
Howard(Signing) Emily, this is our friend Raj.
Penny(Raj happily waves something) Oh! Look at you guys just hitting it off. I am so good.
HowardShe says it's nice to meet you.
RajDoes she really mean that or was she signing it sarcastically?
HowardRaj says it's nice to meet you, too. Oh, she says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you wanna text her and get together.
RajOkay, I'm-I'm gonna play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe.
HowardHe'll text you.
RajAh, look at that. I have a date. I love America again.
SheldonAnd now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That's what I'm talking about!
A coffee shop.
RajOkay, as soon as she gets here, so she knows I'm cool with it, I'm going to make a joke about her being deaf. I was thinking, hey, did you hear the one about...? Oh, no, I bet you didn't.
HowardMaybe we should revisit your lonely fat guy plan.
RajOh, she's here.
HowardNo joke. Oh, she says she's sorry she's late.
RajTell her it doesn't matter. Tell her, her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens.
HowardReally? That's the first thing you wanna say?
RajI worked on it all night. Use it.
HowardLook, I don't know the sign for opalescent.
RajThen spell it.
HowardI don't know how to spell it.
RajYou're blowing this for me!
HowardHe likes your eyes.
RajYou're making me sound like a caveman.
HowardShe says, thank you, you have nice eyes, too.
RajReally? Ask her how many children she wants, and whatever number she says, say, me too.
RajFine. Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice like James Earl Jones.
HowardShe doesn't know what James Earl Jones sounds like.
RajGreat. Then she won't know I'm lying.
The same, later.
RajLet's see, what else can I tell you about me that would make you like me? Ooh, I love music. Do you love music?
HowardYou really wanna ask her that?
RajYou're right. Everyone loves music.
HowardShe says, do you play an instrument?
RajNo, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boy band called Frankie Goes to Bollywood. But I couldn't get any other boys to join, so my parents asked the servants to be my backup dancers. Wait, when you sign servants, don't sign it like I'm bragging. Sign it in a way that I sound humble with just a hint of, that's right, I had servants.
HowardDo you hear yourself?
RajYes, but she doesn't. So get signing, hand monkey.
The same, later.
Howard(Translating for Emily) I think I wrote a letter to Santa Claus every day. And then on Christmas morning, under the tree is a little puppy with a red ribbon.
RajWhat are you doing?
HowardTexting Bernadette that I'm gonna be late.
RajDude, what is she saying?
HowardIt's a funny story about a puppy. Just smile and laugh. Quick, quick, stop smiling.
HowardThe puppy died, it choked on a doll head. Sad face, sad face!
Outside the coffee shop.
RajIt's a little hard to see with the city lights, but that W-shaped constellation is Cassiopeia. And she was the mother of Andromeda who's over there.
HowardLook, pretty stars. Oh, this is her car. She hopes she can see you again sometime.
RajGood, good. Oh, boy, help me out here. Does she want me to kiss her or not?
HowardI speak sign language, I don't read minds.
RajIf you were me, would you kiss her?
HowardYeah, but I'm a make out king. (She kisses Raj and gets into car)
RajI was so smooth on that date.
HowardYou? I made you smooth. You were an idiot.
RajWhatever, dude. She kissed me.
HowardIt might've been on your lips, but it was my kiss.
RajOh, fine. Let's agree she kissed both of us.
PennyMustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
SheldonDon't thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
HowardWhy are you still doing this?
SheldonBecause it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
LeonardYou left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
SheldonThe dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
PennyIs Raj out with Emily again?
LeonardYeah, every night for the last month.
PennyWow, can't believe he has a girlfriend.
Sheldon(Rolls dice) Me neither.
HowardHere's some other fun news on the Raj/Emily front. He gave her a pair of diamond earrings and leased her a car.
LeonardYou think she's taking advantage of him?
PennyOh, of course not. She wouldn't do something like that. She's deaf.
LeonardDeaf women can't be gold diggers?
PennyHandicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that.
SheldonYeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
LeonardCould you tell us?
SheldonLet's see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
PennyWait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
SheldonOkay, get this. It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
PennyWhat do you mean, vastly wealthy?
SheldonWell, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
LeonardLook, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.
SheldonNo, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich, they're Richie Rich rich.
PennyWell, so how much is that?
SheldonAbout halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
HowardWhat the hell? The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro.
LeonardListen, guys, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
PennyOkay, so he's got money, and it's a few gifts and a car.
HowardAnd she got him to pay off all her credit cards.
PennyWhat? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could've dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn't have, 'cause I'm not that kinda girl. We should really talk to Raj.
HowardHe's not gonna listen, he's in love.
SheldonCan't figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you'll excuse me, (Stands up) I have to- (Rolls dice) stay right here. (Sits down)
HowardYeah, this is a bad idea. We should go.
PennyNo. I'm the one that introduced him to her. I've got to say something.
Howard(A girl walks past them) Wow.
PennyYou're engaged to my friend.
HowardHey, Bernadette doesn't mind where I get my motor running, as long as I park in the right garage.
PennyI can't believe you're engaged to my friend. Oh, here she comes.
HowardSmart. Whisper so the deaf chick can't hear you.
Howard(Translating) Oh, hey, hi. Nice to see you.
PennyUm, can we talk to you about Raj?
HowardShe says, sure, what about him?
PennyOkay, um, gosh, how do I start? Um, see, Raj is kinda naive. I mean, he hasn't dated a whole lot of women. (Howard turns around seeing two girls go to the front desk) And I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him. You know, by letting him buy you a bunch of expensive things.And I... I, Howard, focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
HowardRight. Are you a gold digger or not? Oh, uh, something, something, who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself. Oh, wait, I got this now.
Penny's apartment. She answers the door.
RajI'm so mad at you!
RajHow dare you ambush my girlfriend at the gym!
PennyWe didn't mean for it to be an ambush. Just, it's kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people. And hey, since when are you so chatty?
PennyRaj, come here. This girl is trouble. What kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you sex?
RajThe best one I ever had!
PennyOkay, come on. You know you can do better.
RajAha. I see what's going on here. You and I had our crazy night together, and now you can't stand to see me with another woman.
PennyWhoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
RajOkay, I can't get mad at your feelings.
PennyI don't have feelings.
RajYeah, that's good. Keep telling yourself that. (Leaves)
PennyHe is cuter now that I know he's rich.
RajI have a surprise for you. Cover your eyes. Open them. It's a real ruby. It was a little expensive, but no one can put a price on love. Although, the people at Cartier took a pretty good shot at it. (Skype tone from computer) Oh, Mummy, Daddy. What a nice surprise.
Dr KoothrappaliNo, it's not a nice surprise, it's a bad surprise.
Mrs KoothrappaliPenny called us.
Mrs KoothrappaliShe told us you're spending all our money on your new girlfriend.
RajI just got her a couple of things. She gives me things, too.
Dr KoothrappaliYeah, yeah, I'm a gynaecologist. I know exactly what she gives you.
Mrs KoothrappaliYou need to find a nice Indian girl from a good family. If you keep seeing this woman, you're cut off.
RajWhat? You're going to make me choose between the woman I love and the money I have very strong feelings for?
Dr KoothrappaliIt's up to you.
RajWell, I choose love.
Dr KoothrappaliHah. You're an idiot. Love doesn't last. Well, he's going to find out eventually. Think about it.
RajMy parents are making me choose between money and you. I choose you. (She signs) No, I think we'll have to return the car. (Again) And that necklace, yeah, that, too. But none of those things matter, because we have something better. We have love.
RajOh, Penny, I hurt so bad.
PennyI know, I know.
RajSometimes I put the TV on mute just to pretend she's still with me. But I can't watch the closed captioning without crying.
PennyOh, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make you feel better.
RajSeriously? I'm heartbroken and you're hitting on me?
RajLook, Penny, you're great, but I had a long talk with my parents, and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati.
The Cheesecake Factory.
RajMmm. Oh, cheesecake, you're just as good as a woman, even though I can't have sex with you.
HowardTry throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.
SheldonShould I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that's not what you want to see after three buttermilks.
PennyHere you go, boys. I'll pick it up when you're ready.
HowardThanks for dinner, buddy.
LeonardYeah, real big of you.
SheldonHurry, hurry, hurry.
PennyOh, and don't cheap out on the tip. We all know you're loaded now.