Sheldon's office. SheldonAnd reverse the spin on the antiproton, and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative I comma zero, and there we have it. Conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after nine o'clock.
Ghostly voiceSheldon, Sheldon.
SheldonHmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what's going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch's cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.
Ghostly voiceSheldon.
SheldonOh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.
RajYou should've seen your face.
SheldonYes, there's nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.
HowardCome on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon.
SheldonPlease, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask) it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
RajHe's probably right.
HowardWe can't beat him. He's just too smart.
SheldonGentlemen. (Turns and sees Leonard. Screams and faints).
HowardWho had money on faints?
RajI had pee his pants.
LeonardHang on. Looks like everyone's a winner. The comic book store. LeonardOh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!
SheldonDroll.
HowardNot as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine.
LeonardThat was pretty droll. With a hint of ammonia.
SheldonYes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you've poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you've forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I'm Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.
StuartHot girl, nine o'clock. Don't everybody look at once!
RajWhat is she doing in a comic book store?
StuartI don't know, she might be lost. Doesn't matter. Watch and learn. (Approaches the girl) Hi.
Hot girlHi.
StuartUm... it-it-it... (Returns to guys) Shut up.
Hot girl(To Leonard) Are you getting this Next Men?
LeonardUh, yeah. It's issue number 21. First appearance of Hellboy.
Hot girlI know. I've been looking for it for years.
LeonardSorry.
Hot girlHey, if I pretended to hit on you, could I distract you enough to sneak it away?
LeonardYes, but you'd be using your superpowers for evil.
Hot girlDamn, I'm forbidden by my Kryptonian father to do so. I am Alice.
LeonardLeonard.
AliceYou are very cute, Leonard.
LeonardThanks. You, too. You know, go ahead and take it.
AliceNo, no. No, no, I, I, I did evil. Would you be open to a trade?
LeonardUh, yeah, yeah, sure, I guess.
AliceOkay. Here. This is my number, call me.
LeonardSorry, palm's a little sweaty. What's that word?
AliceAlice.
LeonardOh, right, your name. That makes more sense than penis.
AliceLater.
HowardDid we just see you pick up a girl in a comic book store?
Stuart'Cause if you did, you get your picture up there on the Wall of Heroes.
LeonardNo, I don't think I picked her up. Besides, I have a girlfriend.
StuartDoesn't matter. This is the closest anyone's ever come. You're going on the wall, my friend. Entering the apartment building. SheldonBe sure to check the mail.
LeonardHow many times are you gonna tell me? What's with you?
SheldonNothing. It's not suspicious that I'm fixating. It's consistent with my personality.
LeonardRight.
PennyHey, guys.
LeonardMore Halloween candy? Didn't you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?
PennyOh. Yeah. That's gone. It's a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.
SheldonLeonard doesn't have time to chat, he has to get the mail.
LeonardWill you relax? I'll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work?
SheldonOpen the mail!
LeonardExcuse me. (Sheldon holds fingers in ears) A couple of circulars, nothing important.
PennyWhat's with him?
LeonardHang on. (Sheldon opens mail box. A loud horn blows and a balloon with Leonard's face on pops out. Sheldon faints again.) You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey. The apartment. Leonard is with Alice. LeonardCheck it out. Jim Lee drew this of me two years ago at Comic Con.
AliceWhat are you wearing?
LeonardWell, you know, it's Comic Con. I'm Lion-O from ThunderCats.
AliceWow, you must have gotten so laid.
LeonardNo. But Jessica Alba did rub my furry belly.
AliceWanna see a comic I draw?
LeonardYou're kidding. You have your own book?
AliceYeah. It's kinda based on my life.
LeonardCool. Oh, look. There's you having sex with a guy in the top half of a Chewbacca costume. Comic Con?
AliceYou'd think, but no.
LeonardYou're very talented. This is really good. Did you do- (she kisses him.)
AliceSo, can I trade you my comic for the Hellboy?
LeonardYou can have my car. Sheldon's office. Sheldon(Creeps into his office carrying a box) Oh, dear. (Reaches into box, picks up a snake) Oh, dear. (Puts snake into Raj's top drawer) Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Purell, Purell, Purell, Purell.
Raj(Entering) Good morning, Sheldon.
SheldonIt is, isn't it? Oh, bother. Isn't that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you're out of staples. Gosh, I wish I'd known that earlier today when I was at Staples.
RajYou have a thing of paper clips right there.
Sheldonwell, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don't you keep staples in your top desk drawer?
RajI don't know. Maybe.
SheldonBe a lamb and check.
RajAll right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here?
SheldonIt's a snake. A terrifying snake.
RajOh, did some bad man put us in a drawer?
SheldonStop talking like that. You've been rendered speechless by fear.
RajLet's go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice.
SheldonI tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You're better than this. Penny's apartment. There is a knock. PennyIt's open.
LeonardHey, you got a minute?
PennyYeah, sure, come on in.
LeonardThanks.
PennyWant some mac and cheese?
LeonardNo. Lactose. Gas.
PennyGlass of wine?
LeonardNo. Sulfites. Migraines.
PennyOkay, well, I'd offer you Halloween candy, but that's gone. So, what's up?
LeonardOkay, we used to go out, right?
PennyOh, my God, that's where I know you from.
LeonardI'm dealing with a situation and it's kind of about my love life, so I know that might be weird for us to talk about, but in this area, as you know, all my other friends are just so stupid.
PennyAll right, what's going on?
LeonardSo, you're okay talking about this?
PennyYes.
LeonardSure it's not weird.
PennyIt's okay.
LeonardYou know what, if you ever wanna talk to me about a problem in your life with a guy, then I-I would be fine with that.
PennyOkay, good, because there's this one guy I used to date who's about to be force-fed wine and cheese if he doesn't get to the point.
LeonardOkay, uh, here it is. Is it cheating if a guy has a girlfriend-
PennyYeah, probably.
LeonardCome on.
PennyI'm sorry, go ahead.
LeonardI met this girl, and she's great. We have a lot in common.
PennyDid you guys do it?
LeonardNo. We just made out a little.
PennyOh, look at you, you bad boy. Did you tell her about Priya?
LeonardUh, I was gonna, but there were too many tongues in my mouth.
PennyThat's gross.
LeonardHere's the thing, I, I'm not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman.
PennyWell, good for you.
LeonardThe problem is, I wanna be one of those guys.
PennySo sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya.
LeonardOh, that's not who I am.
PennyAll right, then break it off with the new girl.
LeonardNow, let's not do anything rash. She's really hot.
PennyIf you like this girl so much, why don't you just end things with Priya?
LeonardPriya and I are in love. I think we could get married someday.
PennyLeonard, you're looking for a way to sleep with both women and have everybody be happy about it.
LeonardNow we're getting somewhere.
PennyWhat does your gut tell you?
LeonardGo ask Penny; she'll know what to do. The apartment. Sheldon is adjusting a device on his arm. SheldonHello, Howard. I've realized that you scaring me was all in jest. Allow me to say, job well done. (Grabs his own hand. Electrocutes himself.) Perfect.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonScience. You wouldn't understand.
LeonardHey, well, see you. I'm going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn't.)
SheldonI thought you were leaving the apartment.
LeonardYeah, me, too. I can't make up my mind.
SheldonAre you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?
LeonardNo. I'm having a moral crisis.
SheldonWell, if it's of any help, I've read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.
LeonardOh, what the hell. I'm supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don't know if I should, because I'm going out with Priya, but she's in India.
SheldonAll right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won't be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.
LeonardWell, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn't do more than the stuff that you did, and I'm pretty sure Alice is the stuff I wanna do.
SheldonYou know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.
LeonardThat actually does help.
SheldonIt's worth noting that he died of syphilis.
LeonardScrew it, I'm going.
SheldonOn your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?
LeonardDo you mind? I'm questioning a lot of things in my life right now.
SheldonIs one of those things your fondness for orange juice?
LeonardNo.
SheldonGreat. Tropicana, no pulp. Howard's house. Sheldon rings the doorbell. HowardHey, Sheldon.
Bernadette(Off) Who is it?
SheldonIt's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz.
HowardThat's not my mom, it's Bernadette.
SheldonReally? That's very unsettling.
BernadetteHi, Sheldon.
SheldonHi.
HowardWhat's up?
SheldonIt just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put 'er there, you old so-and-so.
HowardWell, I, I'm gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don't you think it could've waited until then?
SheldonHoly smoke, why didn't I think of that? You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun!
HowardWhatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My- oh- it's- (Clutches heart and collapses)
BernadetteOh, my God, Howard! What did you do?
SheldonIt was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.
BernadetteHoward has a heart condition! You know that!
SheldonWell, I thought he made that up. Isn't hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
BernadetteThis is adrenaline, we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
SheldonWe are?
BernadetteYou are. I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot.
SheldonOh, no! I can't!
BernadetteHurry! We're running out of time!
SheldonOkay.
BernadetteJust do it!
SheldonOh, God! One, two, three!
HowardTrick or treat, bubbeleh.
SheldonWhat? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu… (Puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself). Alice's apartment. Alice and Leonard are kissing. LeonardDamn it, I can't. I can't, I can't do this.
AliceUh, is it my tongue stud? 'Cause if that freaks you out, you're in for a real surprise later on.
LeonardNo, no, no. I, I can't do this. Believe me, I really want to.
AliceBut?
LeonardBut I kinda have a girlfriend.
AliceAre you kidding?
LeonardYou're cool with you and me just being friends, right?
AliceI don't believe this.
LeonardWait, I don't, which part?
AliceI'm so stupid. I thought for once I'd met a good guy, but you're just another jackass.
LeonardOh, no, no, you have it wrong. No. I, I was going to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I stayed a good guy, so, I'm gonna pass on the sex. But you should know, that's not a comment on your hotness but on my goodness. That's kind of my superpower. I'm, like, Captain Good Guy. (Being ejected into the corridor.) It's okay. Did the right thing. You idiot! The apartment. Leonard is on skype. LeonardHey, Priya.
PriyaHey, sweetheart. How's it going?
LeonardUh, not so good. We have to talk.
PriyaOh, sounds serious. What's up?
LeonardOkay, uh, here it is. I met this girl and I kissed her, and I feel terrible about it. But it's done, it's never gonna happen again. And I am so, so sorry.
PriyaLeonard, relax. It's okay.
LeonardIt is?
PriyaYeah, these things happen. They happen to everybody.
LeonardOh, my God, you are amazing. I mean, I don't deserve you. Wh, what do, what do you mean everybody?
PriyaLeonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but I kind of cheated on you, too.
LeonardUh, kind of?
PriyaA couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. So, I guess we both messed up a little.
LeonardNo, no, I messed up a little. You messed up a lot.
PriyaWell, it's not a competition.
LeonardOh yeah, it is, and you won. I, I, I'm, I'm sorry, I have to go. I don't believe this.
Sheldon(Leaping out of the base of the sofa) Bazinga, punk. Now we're even.