The comic book store. HowardIt's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally.
LeonardIt's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
HowardOh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.
SheldonWell? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?
AmySheldon, I'm disappointed. As a brilliant man, you're entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.
SheldonA) Comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, an medium that dates back 17, 000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B) You play the harp. Like that's cool.
StuartCan I help you to find anything?
AmyA comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can't be used as a flotation device.
StuartSorry. Most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. Couple of them have big boobs.
RajThe new Warlords of Ka'a expansion pack is out.
HowardA new one? Unbelievable. They just keep making up more cheesy monsters, slapping them on cards and selling them at 25 bucks a pop. It's like a secret tax on guys who can't get laid.
RajThey're not even trying. Remember the Satanimals pack with the Hellephant? Why, absurd. What was he, a bad elephant who died and went to hell? What could an elephant possibly do that would cause him eternal damnation?
Howard(Reading a pack) "Wild West and Witches"? What kind of loser cares about a showdown between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North?
RajA total loser. Obviously, a guy with a six-shooter beats an old man with a magic wand.
LeonardWell, ho-hold on. Uh, what if the wizard casts a Helmet of Confusion spell on Billy the Kid's cowboy hat?
HowardWhat? Please! This is Billy the Kid we're talking about. I mean, the wizard would get shot between the eyes
before he could ever get out the words, "What the hell is Billy the Kid doing in the mystic realm of Ka'a?"
StuartLeonard... What's the deal with Sheldon's friend Amy? Are they a couple?
LeonardCouple of weirdos. Why?
HowardYou interested in Amy?
StuartWell, I mean, she didn't look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman. Could you run it by Sheldon if I could ask her out?
LeonardSure. I guess.
RajStuart, settle an argument for us. Who would win, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
StuartIf I tell you that, I'm robbing you of the hours of fun you could have for the magical, rooting-tooting low price of $24.95.
RajI'll take one.
HowardMm... make it two.
LeonardI hate all of you and myself. Three.
StuartI'll ring it up. (Murmurs) Like shooting nerds in a barrel. The living room. LeonardHey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.
SheldonI know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. (Pause) Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things. You know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.
LeonardYeah, that's not it. Stuart's kind of interested in Amy.
SheldonOh, of course he is. She's very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?
LeonardNo. He wanted me to find out if you'd have a problem with him asking her out.
SheldonI'm not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don't own Amy. Can't own a person. At least not since (Pauses) 1863, President Lincoln freed the... (Pauses) Slaves! Come on, Leonard, if you're going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you'll have to know.
LeonardYou know what? Never mind. I'm gonna tell him it's okay to ask her out.
SheldonThe question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.
LeonardAll right, but for the record, I checked in with you to see how you'd feel about it.
SheldonFine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist...
LeonardI am not washed-up.
SheldonOh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can't until you admit the problem. A kitchen. PennyWell, ladies, we killed the bottle.
AmyI had half a glass.
BernadetteI didn't have any.
PennyOkay, don't judge me. So, what do you want to do, go to the movies, go dancing, lay down for a little bit?
AmyOr, we play... Travel Twister.
BernadetteAmy, really? Twister?
Amy'Scuse me. I've passed many an enjoyable evening playing this game. And I'm sure it's a lot more exciting when you play with other people. What do you say, bestie? We can do shirts and skins. I'm shirts. Called it.
(Amy's phone rings)
BernadetteI'm too small for Twister. And roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.
PennyHey, you know, my mom smoked pot when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out just fine. Hey, look, I have peach schnapps. Thank God.
AmyGuys, something happened.
PennyWhat's wrong?
AmyI think a boy likes me. (Bernadette reads the message) "Hi. It's Stuart. We met at the comic book store. I was wondering if you'd like to get coffee sometime. It's okay if you say no. "It might be the kick in the pants I need to start taking Zoloft."
PennyAmy, little vixen. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.
BernadetteWhat are you going to do? Doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?
PennyOh, she doesn't have a boyfriend; she has a Sheldon. So, do you like Stuart?
AmyI don't know. He's nice. He's funny. He has the sallow, drawn countenance associated with an overactive thyroid gland. That's kind of hot.
PennyOkay, look, sweetie, we all love Sheldon, but you've been with him over a year now. If it's not going anywhere, what does it hurt to look around?
BernadetteWell, yeah, I guess they're not engaged like me and Howie.
PennyYeah, for what it's worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there. The comic book store. SheldonWhere's Stuart?
Dale(Giggles) Out.
SheldonWho are you?
DaleI'm Dale. He left me in charge.
LeonardReally?
DaleYeah. I don't get it, either.
LeonardI wanna return this "Wild West and Witches Ka'a" expansion pack.
DaleSorry. I don't do returns. They're hard.
LeonardSure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?
DaleI don't know. He went out for coffee. With a girl. (Makes a funny noise)
SheldonOh, I guess I was wrong.
LeonardYou okay?
SheldonAm I okay? Leonard, I'm on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?
DaleI'm okay, too! The living room. RajWild Bill Witchcock.
LeonardA tribe of Abra-Comanches.
Sheldon(Wearing a cowboy hat) Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I'm very disappointed in you cowpokes. We're playing our inaugural round of "Wild West and Witches", and I'm the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits in a spittoon) Patooie.
HowardWe're not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous.
SheldonAnd I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too?
HowardYeah.
RajIncredibly so.
SheldonDid it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?
LeonardYeah.
RajIncredibly so.
SheldonAll right, fine. Let's just play.
LeonardWe should go easy on him. Amy's out with Stuart tonight.
HowardWait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon's patented blend of condescension and no sex isn't enough to hold on to a woman?
SheldonCluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?
HowardSorry. Creepy Tepee.
RajAnnie Ogly.
LeonardHocus Pocus Pocahontas.
SheldonAnd may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who's really being ridiculous here. (Stands up and heads for the fridge; the spurs clink)
RajIt's you.
LeonardYou are.
HowardTotally you. The cafeteria. RajHey, guys, check it out. The deluxe limited edition "Wild West and Witches" expansion pack in the signed and numbered collector's tin.
LeonardCome on, no! We just bought the regular pack.
HowardOoh, a sheriff's badge.
HowardYeah, it's also a wand. (The badade can be telescoped)
LeonardWith a hologram? Nice! Hey, do you see this?
SheldonI'm in the matrix, Leonard; I see everything.
LeonardYou got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?
HowardI thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
SheldonDon't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.
RajPlease. You're looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.
SheldonReally? You think I care if a man, what, "shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady"?
RajYou're so full of it.
SheldonYou are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.
RajYou unfriended me? Seriously?
HowardOh, yeah. Now he's gonna miss all those great updates like, "I can't believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri."
LeonardSheldon, why don't you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don't want her going out with other men?
SheldonAnd unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.
HowardHere's a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.
SheldonAnd unfriend Howard Wolowitz.
LeonardThat's all of us. Can I use the laptop?
SheldonWhy? I have to buy that stupid collector's tin. At Penny's door. PennyWho do we love?
SheldonPenny.
PennyWho do we love?
SheldonPenny.
PennyWho do we love?
SheldonPenny.
PennyHello, Sheldon. Come on in.
SheldonThank you.
PennyWhat's up?
SheldonI came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
PennyI'm sorry, what?
SheldonA date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you'd like to take in a prizefight?
PennyGod, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
SheldonNo. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? Whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.
PennyOkay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
SheldonI am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?
PennyAll right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this?
SheldonI believe I do. I'm the guy.
PennyYou're not the guy.
SheldonAre you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me "sweetie" all the time.
PennyI call everyone "sweetie."
SheldonYou tramp.
PennyLook, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon"Strap on a pair"? Of what, skates?
PennyOh, sweetie, you are so not the guy. A movie theater. StuartIf you're bored, you can go. I understand.
AmyNo, I'm having a nice time.
StuartDon't patronize me.
SheldonExcuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.
StuartHi, Sheldon.
SheldonPardon me. Excuse me. (Sits next to Amy)
AmySheldon, what are you doing here?
SheldonThe thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offense, Stuart.
StuartNone taken. Although "repellent" is kind of a... kind of a strong word.
AmyI'm sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
StuartUm, again...
SheldonStuart, please. You're being rude.
AmyAnything else?
SheldonI believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
AmyI'm listening.
SheldonWith the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as "not my girlfriend."
AmyInteresting.
Now try it without the quadruple negative.
SheldonYou're being impossible.
AmyHi, Stuart.
SheldonFine. Amy... will you be my girlfriend?
AmyYes.
SheldonWell, that's enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here's a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. The staircase of Amy's apartment building. StuartSo, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice.
AmyYes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
StuartOh, you're welcome.
Sheldon(Knocks at the inside of the door) Amy. Amy. Amy. Let's wrap things up out there.
AmyUm, good night, Stuart.
StuartGood night. (They hug)
SheldonTake the hint, Stuart. The lady said "Good night."
AmyHow did you get into my apartment?
SheldonWow. Well, is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you're my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.
AmyWhat's that?
SheldonI present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as "the boyfriend, " and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as "the girlfriend".
AmyIt's so romantic.
SheldonMutual indemnification always is.
Why don't you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.
Amy(Reads out the document) "Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A) Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge; B) Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize; C) Moral support during flu shots." Seems a bit restrictive.
SheldonYeah well, feel free to retain a lawyer. Penny's apartment. The girls are playing Twister. AmyPenny, I said "right hand red."
PennyYeah, I heard you. I got red. (She's got a glass of red wine in the hand)
AmyBernadette, left foot yellow.
BernadetteWe should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo.
Sheldon(Knocks at the door) Penny. Amy. Bernadette.
AmyThat's my boyfriend. (To Sheldon) It's open!
SheldonI got a splinter.
AmyWhat do you want me to do about it?
SheldonRelationship agreement Section 4: Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
AmyI should've gotten a lawyer.
BernadetteLooks like it's just us playing. (Penny passed out and is snoring) Penny? Penny, we're out of wine!
PennyYou should probably drive.