Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon enters in a hard hat and high-vis jacket. Sounds a klaxon on his phone. LeonardAaargh! What the hell?
SheldonEmergency preparedness drill.
LeonardOh, no, come on!
SheldonYeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.
LeonardI have to get a lock for my door.
SheldonI think you'll like the drill tonight. I've tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.
LeonardSheldon, Canada is not going to invade California.
SheldonYeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?
LeonardFine.
SheldonAll righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.
LeonardOh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People.
SheldonYou make that joke every three months. I still don't get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?
LeonardI don't know, what am I doing?
SheldonLook around you, there's hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You're going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!
LeonardAah!
SheldonAnd that's why we wear hard hats. The cafeteria. HowardCheck it out, press release from NASA.
RajUm, Expedition 31 will launch this spring to the International Space Station. Crew members will include Commander Tom 'Tombo' Johnson, astronaut Mike 'Supernova' Novacelik and Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz.
HowardThis is going right into my synagogue's newsletter.
RajDu-dude, if you're going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname.
HowardI don't get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me.
RajOh. If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite.
HowardAre you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.
RajAre you not looking at me? I am Brown Dynamite. Why do you put six sugars in your coffee?
LeonardBecause the cafeteria doesn't offer little packets of methamphetamine.
HowardEmergency drill night last night, huh?
LeonardUh-huh.
RajHow'd you do?
SheldonI'll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else's day.
LeonardYou know what, I'm so tired I can't even think straight. I'm going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?
SheldonYou can't go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o'clock.
LeonardOh, can't you take the bus to the dentist?
SheldonOf course I can. It's coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that's the problem. Two years ago, after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.
RajThey put you under for a cleaning?
SheldonYeah, they have to, I'm a biter.
LeonardOkay. Whatever, Sheldon. I'm exhausted. I'm not taking you to the dentist.
SheldonWrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It's right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products."
LeonardYou know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It's ridiculous. I'm your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches.
SheldonWell, it has. Ask anybody.
LeonardI don't care. I'm done.
SheldonHold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
LeonardI don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.
SheldonThink carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) 'Sup?
LeonardWhere do I sign?
SheldonRight here. Use your finger.
LeonardThere. Done.
SheldonAll right. That's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.
LeonardI'm gonna go home and take a nap.
SheldonWell, tell it to someone who cares. The apartment. HowardI got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
PennyWhat does that mean?
BernadetteHe's gonna learn to poop in space.
HowardOpen the pod bay doors, HAL.
RajMaybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.
SheldonHello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard'Sup?
Sheldon'Sup? My apologies. I would've been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.
AmyI saved you a dumpling.
SheldonOh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.
AmyI'm sorry, Sheldon, I'm busy. I'm right in the middle of my addiction study. I've got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow's the day we switch them to O'Doul's.
SheldonYou're my girlfriend and you're not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where'd the magic go?
PennySheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know?
BernadetteHoward doesn't make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?
HowardAbsolutely. But when Ma's hips give out, you're up, kid.
SheldonWell, if Amy's too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You're Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here's a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?
Raj(To Howard) Their meatballs are pretty good.
SheldonWhat's that?
RajNothing, nothing. The comic book store. SheldonHello, Stuart.
StuartOh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today?
SheldonNo, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favorite person.
StuartNinth?
SheldonYou moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?
StuartUh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and... blamed me in the note.
SheldonGreat. Great. So, what's new with your family? How's your mother? Is she alive?
StuartYeah.
SheldonAnd your father? Alive?
StuartYes.
SheldonHow about your grandparents, they alive?
StuartNo.
SheldonOh, I'm so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?
StuartI'm sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist?
SheldonYes. And now, I can't make any promises, but that's the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.
StuartSheldon, I'm working. I can't take you to the dentist. Also, and I can't stress this enough, I don't want to take you to the dentist.
SheldonCan't help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from. The apartment. RajOoh, ooh! What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz?
HowardYou can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken.
RajBuzz Lightyear is not real.
HowardNo, that's not what I'm talking about.
RajWell, are you talking about when he thought he was real?
HowardNo.
RajOkay, um, how about Crash"? Howard "Crash" Wolowitz.
HowardYeah, terrific. The other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a guy named Crash.
RajAll right, um, how about, oh, how about Rocket Man?
LeonardThat's not bad, Howard "Rocket Man" Wolowitz.
HowardYeah, it's great, but I told you, I don't get to pick my nickname. It has to come from the other astronauts.
RajMaybe there's a way to get them to come up with it.
HowardLike how?
LeonardOnce I tried carrying around a Duncan yo-yo, hoping the other kids would start calling me Duncan.
HowardDid it work?
LeonardNo, they ended up calling me Sock Mouth. 'Cause they took away my yo-yo and stuffed their socks in my mouth.
RajOkay, uh, what if we make Rocket Man your ringtone, and the next time you talk to those guys, I'll call you and they'll hear it. Plant the seed.
HowardThat's actually not a terrible plan.
RajThey don't call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.
Leonard(To Sheldon, entering) 'Sup?
Sheldon'Sup?
LeonardHey, did you ever make it to the dentist?
SheldonNot necessary. No. I found a service that'll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but, the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.
LeonardAll right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist.
SheldonAre you suggesting that you've come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?
LeonardAbsolutely. If you admit that you're a 30-year-old man who's incapable of functioning on his own.
RajOoh, Sock Mouth's got him on the ropes.
SheldonI will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped. The apartment. Leonard is watching television. All the power goes off. Penny(Entering) Oh, good, your power's out, too.
LeonardWhy is that good?
PennyBecause last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.
SheldonPower failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.
LeonardWhat happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?
SheldonOh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it's too bad you're no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It's not for you.
LeonardIt's just a blackout, I'm sure the power will be back on soon.
SheldonAnd I'm sure some fool in the Donner Party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.
PennyYou know, I got some candles in my apartment.
SheldonBut candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
Leonard(Pulling out a toy lightsabre) You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let's go.
SheldonBefore you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you're willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.
PennyI've got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop.
SheldonOh, he'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he's gonna be bored out of his mind. Penny's apartment. LeonardTo wine and bubble wrap. And to not having to watch Sheldon demonstrate his reverse osmosis machine that converts urine into drinking water.
PennyYou know, in Girl Scouts, Tammie Dinisha said you could do that with panty hose. Boy, was she wrong. Anyway, you wanna make out?
LeonardI thought because our relationship's in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow.
PennyOkay. Do you wanna make out slow?
LeonardI can go so slow it'll be like there's a snail in your mouth.
PennyUgh. Well, lucky for you, there's nothing else to do right now.
SheldonExcuse me, Leonard.
LeonardSince when don't you knock? It's like the only good thing about you.
SheldonSocial niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We're in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.
LeonardFine, what is it?
SheldonI'm making s'mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.
LeonardS'mores, huh? Good for you.
SheldonYes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.
LeonardNo, thanks. I'm good.
SheldonReally? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s'more by myself. And then I'm gonna have s'more. By myself.
PennyAw.
LeonardNo, don't aw him. He brought this all on himself.
PennyBut he's sad.
LeonardNo, he's crazy. Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it'll suck you back in.
PennyI think he misses his little buddy.
LeonardFine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over. The apartment. LeonardI thought you said candles were dangerous.
SheldonThis is a Bunsen burner. I'm a scientist, I know what I'm doing. (His s'more is on fire.) Oh, drat. (He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.
LeonardListen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don't see why we can't be friends. And I'm willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don't wanna do it because of some silly roommate agreement.
SheldonWhat are you proposing?
LeonardThat we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.
SheldonAnd how would I do that?
LeonardYou say thank you.
SheldonEvery time?
LeonardIt's not crazy.
SheldonCounter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother's Day or Father's Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard's Day.
LeonardI kinda like the sound of that.
SheldonOf course you do. It's about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don't think I had it in me to make another glass of water.
LeonardSo, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard's Day?
SheldonNo.
LeonardCan I sit in your spot?
SheldonNo.
LeonardCan I control the thermostat?
SheldonNo.
LeonardDo I get a card?
SheldonOf course you get a card. It's Leonard's Day.
PennyHey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.
LeonardReally. Who do you think did that, Sheldon?
SheldonOh, I don't know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard's Day.
PennyLeonard's Day?
SheldonOh, no pressure. Just get him a crummy card, you're good. Howard's bedroom. HowardAll right, test my ring tone. That really is a good song.
RajOh, yeah. There's a reason he's Sir Elton John. They don't make you a knight for writing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
Mrs Wolowitz(Off) Howard, are you coming down for breakfast?
HowardMa, I told you I have a video conference with NASA. I said don't bother me!
Mrs WolowitzOh! Listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut.
HowardYes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut. (On Skype) Hey, good morning.
NASA GuyHey, Howard, thanks for getting up so early.
HowardNo problem, Dr. Massimino.
Dr MassiminoThe guys here call me Mass.
HowardMass. That's a cool nickname. 'Cause force equals mass times acceleration.
MassYeah. It's just short for Massimino. Anyway, the plan for this morning is to go over the-
HowardSorry. My phone.
MassWhat is that? Is that Rocket Man?
HowardYeah, my ring tone. Kind of my favorite song, Rocket Man.
Mrs WolowitzHoward, your Fruit Loops are getting soggy!
HowardNot now!
MassWho's that?
HowardMy mom. Sorry.
HowardNo problem, Fruit Loops.