SheldonGentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.
SheldonUh-huh. And an irrational constant.
SheldonAnd a funny Greek letter.
SheldonI said funny.
SheldonGood one. And an electrical charge.
SheldonHa. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I'll start over. Professor (laughs again)
HowardI haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
SheldonOh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn't.
LeonardIt's not funny. That mistake got published.
SheldonStop! I'm gonna wet myself!
RajHey, guys, guys, President Siebert is headed this way.
HowardI wonder what he wants.
LeonardDoesn't look happy, so I'm guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon.
SheldonOh, President Siebert, I assume you'd like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.
SeibertNo, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere.
SheldonYou don't like written suggestions. You don't like when I give them to you while we're urinating in the men's room. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you're one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.
SeibertDr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you're refusing to take your vacation.
SheldonI don't need a vacation.
SeibertYou're obligated to take one. And I'd also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I'll see you all on Monday, except for you.
SheldonBut if I don't come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?
SeibertRead, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.
HowardNo. You should go.
Leonard's car. Leonard is singing enthusiastically.
LeonardThat tonight's gonna be a good night, and tonight's gonna be a good night, and tonight's gonna be a good, good night! Tonight's the night, uh, uh, let's live it up, uh, I got my money, let's spend it up-
Sheldon(Appearing in the back seat) Good Lord! Would you stop that caterwauling!
LeonardWhat the hell are you doing?
SheldonBleeding from my ears.
LeonardWhat are you doing hiding back there?
SheldonI'm sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what's under the blanket, you tell him it's some lobster traps.
SheldonYes. That's how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.
LeonardWhat are you gonna do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you.
SheldonWill they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)
LeonardFine. Just get back under your blanket, and I'll drive you there.
SheldonAnd no more singing.
SheldonI have GPS on my phone. I know you turned around.
PennyI'm so glad you talked Howard out of having your wedding invitations in Klingon.
BernadetteTurn it over. I'm hoping my relatives think it's Hebrew.
AmyThis is really happening. I'm gonna be a maid of honor. I'm gonna wear a beautiful dress and walk down that aisle and, finally, I will have my special day.
BernadetteYou mean my special day?
AmyThey're gonna need an extra-large veil for somebody's head.
BernadetteIf I ever actually ever get married.
PennyWhy wouldn't you?
BernadetteMy dad. Because I make a lot more money than Howie, he's putting a lot of pressure on me to get a pre-nup.
BernadetteYeah. Howie's gonna freak out.
AmyParental pressure can be daunting. I remember the battle with my mother about shaving my legs. Last year, I finally gave in and let her do it.
BernadetteI just don't know how I'm gonna break it to him.
PennyYou know, I'm a big believer in breaking bad news to a guy when you're in bed with him. That's how I told my high school boyfriend I slept with his brother. That's how I told his brother the same thing.
BernadetteI don't know, I don't wanna manipulate him with sex.
PennyOh, sweetie, that's what sex is for.
AmyYou know, the connection between marriage and money is nothing new. In fact, the term wed referred to the money and livestock that the groom paid the bride's father. For example, you're adorable, intelligent and a good earner. I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose. (To Penny) You, would fetch a unicorn.
LeonardSheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?
SheldonHawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
HowardHow about Florida? They've got Cape Canaveral, they've got Disney, they've got my Aunt Ida and the world's largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.
SheldonMy family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.
RajYou know, if I had a week off, I'd go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert. I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you'll feel like you were born without bones.
HowardI don't think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.
RajReally? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box?
SheldonIt's like I'm living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.
HowardI don't think you have a good handle on dictatorships.
LeonardSheldon, everybody takes vacations.
SheldonOne time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.
HowardEveryone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
SheldonNow you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy's a biologist. I'll go work in her lab.
HowardIsn't that just Feynman's idea?
SheldonTen seconds ago, you never heard of him. Now you're an expert.
LeonardIs that your laundry? You only have, like, six things in there.
PennyYeah, I didn't have any quarters, so I've been sneaking stuff into other people's loads all day. Hey, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anybody?
LeonardIt doesn't matter what I say, you're gonna tell me anyway.
PennyWhat? That is not true. Bernadette wants a pre-nup.
LeonardWow. That's rough.
PennySo you're saying if I became a famous movie star, we got married, you wouldn't sign a pre-nup?
LeonardAbsolutely not. If I'm gonna be stuck at home with the kids while you're on location cheating on me with Ryan Gosling, then Leonard gots to get paid. So, you think about us getting married?
PennyI think about a lot of things. I think about us getting married, I think about us breaking up. Once in a while, I think about how I didn't leave a note on that Mercedes I dinged in the parking lot last month, but then I have a glass of wine and it passes.
LeonardJoke all you want, but you think about it.
PennyWell, tell you one thing, if I ever do get married, no Klingon invitations.
LeonardGood luck catching a man with that attitude.
SheldonBoy, oh, boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of lab animals being dispatched for dissection. Mm, I can already feel my cares just melting away.
AmyI'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's gonna be romantic.
SheldonWay to kill the mood.
AmyCome on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that's the love story Disney should tell.
SheldonOkay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse's back? Ha-ha, I'm a freak!
AmyOh, I'm gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.
SheldonWash those bea- Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I'd better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?
AmyNo, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.
SheldonWha? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You're gonna make him do the dishes? That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.
AmySheldon, you've never worked in a lab like this before. You have no experience in the field of biology.
SheldonI have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998. And it's still alive. Let's do this.
RajNo hi, Raj? No how are you, Raj? Just straight to where's the other white guy?
LeonardI'm sorry. So, listen, I heard something about him. Can you keep it between us?
RajOoh, gossip. When I first got here, I thought you Americans really gossiped around the water cooler. So I hung out there for, like, a month, but the only gossip I ever heard was about some creepy guy hanging out by the water cooler.
LeonardBernadette wants to get a pre-nup.
RajOh, that's a shame, he's gonna be devastated.
LeonardI never know what to do in these situations. Should I give him a heads-up?
RajHmm. I'm gonna give you the same advice I yell at the TV when the Bachelor's handing out roses. Follow your heart.
HowardCheck it out. Look at the size of that Rice Krispie Treat. Same price.
LeonardHey, Howard, I need to tell you something.
HowardI know, it's not on my wedding diet. I don't care.
LeonardUh, listen, I heard that Bernadette's thinking about asking you for a pre-nup.
HowardA pre-nup? Wow.
LeonardWhat are you gonna do?
HowardI don't know.
RajFollow your heart.
HowardYou know what, it's not a big deal. She makes more money than me. She wants to protect her financial interests. It's completely reasonable.
LeonardGood. That's a healthy attitude.
HowardYeah, actually, it's good for both of us. I have assets to protect, too.
HowardI've got some rare comic books. The Vespa's almost paid off. And Ma and I have a primo double cemetery plot at Mt. Sinai right near the guy who played Mr. Roper on Three's Company.
RajMr. Roper's dead? You can't just spring that on a guy.
SheldonHere you go. This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
AmySoap spots. Wash 'em again.
SheldonY-you're being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.
AmySheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it's, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.
SheldonBiologists are mean.
AmyAll right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.
SheldonThere was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.
AmyI'm sure it was.
SheldonI intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.
AmyYeah, good for you. Now, start counting.
SheldonYou know what this place needs? A suggestion box.
AmyHow's it going?
SheldonHow's counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.
SheldonAw, nuts! One...
SheldonThis is preposterous. I think you're giving me these tasks because you're afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I'll show you up.
AmyReally? Is that what you think?
SheldonYes, that's what I think. And I'm super smart, so it's probably true.
AmyHey, I've been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You've been here for three hours, and you've spent one of them in the bathroom.
SheldonI'm sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.
AmySheldon, I've given you the simplest things to do, and you haven't done one of them right.
SheldonMaybe that's because I'm not being challenged. It's the same reason Einstein failed math.
AmyMaybe the math was too bubbly for him.
SheldonYou think you're doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they'd offer to toast it for me, too.
AmyOkay, smart guy. I'm about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it.
SheldonAll right. I'm no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.
AmyYou're getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It's the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I'm sure it's no problem for a genius like you.
SheldonIt's not. I'll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.
AmyOh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
SheldonNo. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?
AmyNo. But your thumb does.
SheldonOh, dear. (Faints)
AmyYeah, you're a biologist.
The bar at the Cheesecake Factory.
HowardWhat are you doing here?
SheldonI'm on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.
HowardHow come to your thumb?
SheldonYeah, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we'll be here all day, let's just move on.
BarmanWhat can I get you?
SheldonAh, seeing as I'm on vacation, a pina colada seems appropriate. Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum. Don't let me have too many of those.
PennyHey, what are you guys doing here?
HowardWe're grown men, we drink at bars.
PennyNo and no. Everything okay with you and Bernadette?
HowardOh, yeah, sure.
PennyYou and Amy? Good?
SheldonOh, better than good.
PennyYou know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens.
HowardI'm not signing a pre-nup.
PennyAll right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.
SheldonExcuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)
SheldonAmy? Amy? Amy?
AmyWhat do you want?
SheldonI was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.
AmyDo you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?
SheldonI was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.
AmyThat's not an apology.
SheldonThat is your opinion.
AmyI want a real apology.
SheldonI'm sorry that you weren't able to-
SheldonThat my genius-
SheldonThat the soap was-
AmyYou're forgiven. Now, if you wanna stay, get started on those beakers. They're still dirty from yesterday.
SheldonNext year I'm going to Epcot.
BernadetteAre you mad at me?
HowardNo. I'm not mad at you. I just wish you would've come to me, so I didn't have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
BernadetteSo, what are we gonna do?
HowardYou really want me to sign a pre-nup?
BernadetteI don't know. My dad's pretty insistent on it, though.
HowardWhy don't I talk to your dad, man-to-man?
BernadetteReally? Oh, that'd be so great.
BernadetteI should probably give you a heads-up about a couple of things. Even though he's retired from the police force, he still carries his gun. But don't worry, he won't shoot it. It's more of a fashion statement.
BernadetteAnd just to be safe, when you talk to him, don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.
HowardGot it, got it. Will you e-mail me that list?
BernadetteSo the thing to watch for, if he's shouting at you, you're okay, but if he starts to get real quiet, leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line, throw some zigs and zigs in there.
HowardYou know, this isn't that pressing. Why don't I talk to him about it in May.
BernadetteIn May you're gonna be on the International Space Station.
HowardThey've got a phone.