A corridor at the university. RajIt was a nice retirement party.
HowardI guess. Still, it's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
LeonardWhat choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
HowardI wonder how long Sheldon's got.
SheldonThese shrimp are all the same size. There's no the logical order to eat them in.
LeonardCan't be very long.
RajHey, look, there's Rothman's empty office. Sad.
LeonardYeah.
SheldonMm, indeed.
HowardSo sad.
SheldonDibs. (They enter the office to find Kripke)
KripkeWhat's up, fewwas?
SheldonWhat are you doing here, Kripke?
KripkeAh, measuwing my new office for dwapes.
SheldonThis is not your office. It hasn't been assigned yet.
KripkeWell, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the Toys for Tots cowwection box.
SheldonDibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
LeonardYou just called dibs.
SheldonShut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.
KripkeI awwived at the office first. I'm the pwoverbial earwy bird.
Rothman(Entering, naked) Gentlemen.
AllProfessor Rothman.
RothmanGood evening.
AllGood evening.
RajI'm glad that men are wearing hats again. They're so distinguished. Penny's apartment. AmyI got you a little something.
PennyA little something? Oh, it- what, this is huge.
AmyWhat's huge is what you've done for me.
PennyOh, no, Amy, I haven't done anything.
AmyNo, no, before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kinda downtown hipster party girl. With a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front, of all things. Open it. Open it.
PennyOkay. (Opens parcel to find a huge and not at all flattering painting of Penny and Amy)
AmyI wanted to get you something you didn't have.
PennyWow. I-I don't know what to s- Wow.
AmyDo you like it?
PennyDo I like it? Wow.
AmySo, uh, where are you gonna hang it?
PennyOh, my God. Hang it. Wow. Um, you know, I'd have to go get a hook and nails and a hammer and-
AmyNo problem.
PennyOh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow. A bathroom at the university. SheldonI found him. He's in the bathroom. President Siebert?
SiebertCan't this wait?
SheldonI'm sorry. We just need a word.
SiebertNow? You realize I'm your boss, and I am holding my penis?
KripkeSheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I'm sowwy. This guy's got no wespect for boundawies.
SiebertWhat do you want?
KripkeWill you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman's office is wightfully mine?
SiebertCan't you take this up with your department chairman?
SheldonWe tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.
SiebertGentlemen, there's a task I'm trying to accomplish here, and I'm having trouble doing it.
SheldonOh, my. President Siebert, I don't mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you're interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that'll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.
KripkeIgnore him, Pwesident Siebert. I'm sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.
SheldonOh, he's just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.
SiebertGentlemen, I'm going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you're both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman's office, I couldn't give the furry crack of a rat's behind.
KripkeWell, as wong as we're here, I might as well take a weak.
SheldonKripke?
KripkeYes?
SheldonYou're in my spot. Penny's apartment. BernadetteThat is big.
PennySo big.
BernadetteAnd ugly.
PennySo ugly. What am I gonna do?
BernadetteI don't know. You can't take it down. You'll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.
PennyIs there any chance I'll learn to love it?
BernadetteThat depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?
PennyAll right, it's gotta go.
BernadetteWhat will you tell Amy?
PennyHow about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you're not in it?
BernadetteNuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard's mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I've suffered enough.
PennyWell, I guess I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it's kind of heavy.
BernadetteMmm, too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting. The apartment. RajWould you look at this? I paid twenty five dollars to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.
HowardIt's numbered.
RajOoh, limited edition. Nice.
Sheldon(Knock on door) Oh, that'll be Kripke.
LeonardWhat's he doing here?
SheldonWe're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.
KripkeCooper.
SheldonKripke. Come in. I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?
KripkeAm I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don't want tea. Wet's get down to bwass tacks.
SheldonFine. In the interest of preserving our friendship-
KripkeWe're not fwiends.
SheldonWell, that's a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman's office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.
KripkeHow about I take Wothman's office, and you go suck a wemon?
SheldonYou sure I can't get you that cup of tea?
RajHow about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?
KripkeWhat the fwig is that?
SheldonRock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.
AllHail.
KripkeHow does it work?
SheldonOh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
KripkeI'm sowwy. Can you wepeat that?
SheldonWell, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
KripkeAlmost got it. One more time.
SheldonSurely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock-
HowardSheldon, stop. He's screwing with you.
SheldonIs he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.
HowardIt's the 21st century. You can't have a duel.
LeonardH-h-h-hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a shot are you?
SheldonNot pistols. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.
KripkeYou have a compwete advantage in twivia. You have an eidetic memowy. Pwus, I haven't watched Star Twek since I discovered the stwip cwub near my apartment has a fwee buffet.
LeonardIt's gonna be hard to find something you're both equally good at.
RajIs there anything you're both equally bad at?
BothSports. A basketball court. LeonardAll right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?
SheldonFive what?
LeonardBalls in the basket. (Throws ball to Sheldon)
Sheldon(Dodging out of the way) Ew!
[Later. Sheldon dribbling ball, approached Kripke, throws it wildly at a pile of mats in the corner.]
KripkeIt's out, wight?
[Later. Kripke, dribbling ball, watched by Sheldon, dribbles it all the way into the back wall.]
KripkeTime. Wan out of woom.
LeonardYou know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us?
RajYeah.
LeonardI get it.
[Later. Kripke chases ball across room chased by Sheldon. Sounds of collision. Sheldon chases ball back across the room chased by Kripke.]
[Later. Ball hits Sheldon in back of head.]
SheldonHey! He did that on purpose,
LeonardNo, he didn't. Nothing that's happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let's try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office.
KripkeMaking it too easy there, Hofstadter.
LeonardNo. No, I'm not.
SheldonUse the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I'm gonna need more force.
KripkeAw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn't come down.) Do I get points for that?
[Later. A trampoline has been added. Sheldon tries first, ball hits backboard, bounces back in his face. Kripke tries next, with a run up, ends up crashing into the back wall again.]
[Later.]
LeonardAll right, we gave it 45 minutes. It's no longer funny. Let's try something else.
SheldonWhat do you propose?
LeonardUh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.
KripkeOh, you are going down, Cooper.
SheldonI don't think so, Kripke. I've bounced many a rubber ball in my day.
LeonardAll right, that's enough trash talk. One, two, three.
HowardSheldon was higher.
LeonardCongratulations, Sheldon. You win office.
SheldonWho's unsatisfactory in P.E. now? Penny's apartment. AmyOh, what a great movie.
PennyI cannot believe you've never seen Grease.
AmyMy mother didn't allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang.
BernadetteI gotta go. I gotta get up early. My company's testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn't shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.
AmyI guess I should get going, too. Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
PennyGood night, real Amy.
AmyYou don't have to say good night to painting Amy, 'cause she's never leaving.
BernadetteGood night, real Penny.
PennyBye.
BernadetteGood night, transvestite Penny.
PennyAh, okay. Let us take you off the wall. Out of sight, out of mind. I wish.
Amy(Entering) You know, can I borrow that movie? Those singing hooligans really got my motor running.
PennySure, sure. Enjoy. I mean, get it back to me when you can, or, you know what, actually, you keep it. It's just gonna be my gift to you. Bye.
AmyThank you. Wait. Where'd the painting go?
PennyIt's right over there.
AmyWhy?
PennyI have no idea. That is weird.
AmyYou hate it.
PennyNo. No, no. It's just, it's a little big.
AmyI feel like an idiot.
PennyNo, come on, you're not an idiot. Look, just help me put it back up.
AmyWhy? So you can just take it down when I leave? I don't need your pity.
PennyOh, Amy, come on.
AmyI'm just glad I didn't go for the sculpture. Rothman's office. SheldonAh, the spoils. I see why victors love them.
RajI'm happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I'm going to miss sharing an office with you.
SheldonOh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.
RajThank you.
SheldonYeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)
RothmanOh. Hello.
SheldonProfessor Rothman. This isn't your office any more. You're retired.
RothmanI think the word you're looking for is invisible. Amy's apartment. PennyI came to say I'm sorry.
AmyDon't bother.
PennyAmy, please.
AmyI'm so humiliated. I sat there the whole time that we were watching Grease, thinking you liked the painting.
PennyI know.
AmyI was a fool from Summer Lovin' to the very last rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.
PennyYou're right. You're absolutely right. I should've been honest with you and told you the gift was too much.
AmyYes, too much. Because our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical. I clearly like you more than you like me.
PennyI don't think you can put a number on how much one person likes another.
AmyI bought you a painting that's 12 square feet in area. There's a number.
PennyAmy, come on-
AmyIf you don't like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back three grand.
PennyThree gr- Oh, my God! Look, Amy, all you need to know is, you are my friend and I don't wanna lose you out of my life.
AmyI'm sorry, I'm just having trouble believing you right now.
PennyGrab your hammer.
AmyNo. Damage is done.
PennyOkay, look, I didn't wanna say this, but the real reason I took the painting down was because it made Bernadette very jealous.
AmyOh, my goodness, how could I have not seen that? The painting is a constant reminder that of the three of us, she is the least cool.
PennyYeah, th-th-th-that's what it is, so-
AmyYou have such a good heart.
PennyHuh, I try.
AmyCome on.
PennyWell where are we going?
AmyWe're gonna go put this painting back up in your apartment.
PennyWell, what about Bernadette?
AmyOh, screw her. She's just lucky we let her hang out with us. Rothman's office. Sheldon is trying to affix paper over a fiercely blowing air vent. LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonI'm trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.
HowardWhy don't you just turn up the thermostat?
SheldonAha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn't in my new office. No. It's next door, in Professor Davenport's office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.
LeonardWhy is there a hole here?
SheldonWhy is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.
RajWell, at least you finally got a window that opens. That's nice.
SheldonIs it? Listen.
RajWhat, you don't like wind chimes?
SheldonNo, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.
HowardThe bird?
SheldonYeah, It's completely out of tune with the wind chimes.
RajSo?
SheldonYou don't get it, do you? That's a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he's out of tune on purpose. He's mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?
HowardThe growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.
SheldonNo. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they're running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!
LeonardSheldon, relax.
SheldonHow can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.
LeonardIf you're not happy, why don't you just let Kripke have the office? SheldonWhat, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We're trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree! Penny's apartment. PennyHow's that?
AmyLittle higher on the right.
PennyNow?
AmyLittle more. No. That's got it.
PennyYeah, okay. That's, uh, that's good.
AmyI'll let you in on a little secret.
PennyMm.
AmyOriginally we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes, 'cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
PennyYeah, good call.
AmyBut if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
PennyYou're talking about the painting, right?
AmySure. Rothman's office. Sheldon has his head stuck in the hole in the wall. SheldonHelp! Somebody help!
LeonardWhat happened?
SheldonI was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.
LeonardWhy would you do that?
SheldonIt's called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter.
LeonardHang in there. I'll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)