The cafeteria. Sheldon laughs to himself. SheldonI wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling. (Pause) Fine, I'll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.
RajOkay, uh, I'd pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I've always dreamed of having.
SheldonWrong. Leonard?
LeonardHorse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.
SheldonWrong, and let's keep it clean, shall we?
HowardKangaroo, uh, I'd be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.
LeonardAlso instead of just living in your mother's house, you could actually live inside her body.
SheldonClever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you'd be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.
LeonardGive me one circumstance in which that would be useful.
SheldonAll right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I'll just snack on this sunlight.
RajHe got us again.
LeonardNo, he didn't.
RajAnyway, if it's okay with you, we should talk about Howard's bachelor party.
SheldonWell, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you're half swan.
RajI've been doing some research on strippers. One agency I spoke to, said they can get us a great price if we're flexible on age range and number of limbs.
HowardSounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers.
RajYou don't want strippers? You're the king of strippers. That one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.
HowardWhat can I tell ya, I'm not into that stuff any more.
LeonardGood for you, Howard. I'm proud of you. And still, you're the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.
SheldonYou know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.
HowardWell, it's probably not for me.
RajMaybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They've got that wine train.
SheldonBoo, wine! But yay, trains. I'm in.
RajAnyway, it's a beautiful time of year. Uh, you travel through the vineyards. There's a tasting on board. And all the wild flowers are in bloom. It's magic.
LeonardLook at that, in 30 seconds, we went from hiring women to being them. The stairwell. PennySo, I hear you and the lost boys are having a bachelor party tonight.
LeonardYeah, just going to a restaurant, get some steaks and Scotch. Nothing to worry about.
PennyWhy should I worry?
LeonardWell, I don't know. It's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Wouldn't that make you a little jealous?
PennyOh, come on Leonard, it's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye-contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
LeonardHey, I am a young man in his sexual prime. Under the right conditions, I-I-I am capable of just, really crazy stuff.
PennyReally? What is the craziest thing you've ever done with a woman? And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count.
LeonardOh, come on, that's gotta count. There was a really strong undertow, we could've died.
PennyWell, have fun tonight.
LeonardOh, I will. There is no telling what might happen.
PennyYeah, there is.
LeonardYou know, there's nothing wrong helping some woman's kid get through their SATs. A restaurant. LeonardHey, I gotta hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.
SheldonIt's not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.
LeonardAre you drinking whisky?
SheldonIndeed. If I'm to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That's yucky.
LeonardWhoa, it's a little early to start dropping J-bombs, don't you think?
Wil WheatonHey, you guys.
LeonardOh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.
WilWell, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei's house.
SheldonI'm confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.
WilOh, I'm friends with Howard too.
SheldonOh. I guess you're just friends with anybody. (Drinks) Aagh!
StuartHey, uh, Leonard, things are a little tight at the comic book store. I might need some help covering my share of the check.
LeonardOh, yeah, no worries.
StuartAnd maybe a few bucks for the valet.
LeonardOh, all right.
StuartAnd gas money to get home.
LeonardYeah, sure.
StuartGreat. You know what? This is my grandfather's watch.
LeonardOh.
Stuart18-carat gold, got it in Europe during the war.
LeonardWow, that's very nice.
StuartMm-hmm. A hundred bucks and it's yours.
RajHey, everybody! The bachelor boy has arrived! For he's a jolly good fellow-
All(Joining in) For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.
KripkeYes, yes, yes. He's a jowwy good fewwow. What time do the stwippers awwive?
HowardActually, Barry, we're not gonna have strippers tonight.
KripkeAh, then what the fwig did I get two hundwed dowwaws in singles out for?
StuartYou wanna buy a watch? Penny's apartment. Amy(Into a mini-cam) This is Maid of Honor Amy Farrah Fowler, bringing you the wedding activities just weeks out from the big day. Let's check in with a beautiful, radiant young woman, and her friend who's about to get married. Ladies, can you tell us what you're doing?
BernadetteUm, these are gift bags we're gonna put in the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests. This is a map of Pasadena. This is a list of local restaurants. And then, for Howie's relatives, we have antihistamines, antacids, and medicine for diarrhoea and constipation.
PennyYeah, we labeled them stop and go.
AmyAll right, pivoting to the big question. Bernadette, on your wedding night you'll be consummating your marriage. What do you think your first sexual position will be as husband and wife?
{RossOk, you know- you know- this's- I'm sorry, this is insane! I-I-I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I'll-I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now!
JudgeThat won't be necessary. [6/5]}
BernadetteAmy, please.
AmyKeeping in mind that whoever's on top may set the tone for the marriage.
PennyOkay, show's over.
AmyHey, they may conceive a child on their wedding night. Don't you think the kid might get a kick out of knowing how it happened?
PennyI don't care. Ask her things like are you gonna take Howard's name? Not who's gonna sit on who?
BernadetteI've actually been thinking I'm going to hyphenate: Bernadette Mary-Ann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.
PennyNice. You know, you should totally get BernadetteMaryAnnRostenkowskiWolowitz.com before someone snaps it up.
BernadetteHoward already took care of it. Plus, he set up our beautiful wedding website with cute little facts about our family histories. Do you know, for a while in Poland, my family and his family were neighbors.
PennyOh, that's cool.
AmyNo, it's not. I'll explain it to you later. The restaurant. RajMay I have your attention, please? We are here tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.
AllHear! Hear!
SheldonAnd, apparently, Wil Wheaton's best friend.
WilSheldon.
SheldonTalk to the hand. (Shows him his hand)
RajDoes anyone have any words they'd like to say about our man of the evening?
SheldonYeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humor at Howard's expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you'd be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let's see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you're actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that's a zinger, because you're not. I've always thought that you'd make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you'd be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don't see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don't!
LeonardSheldon-
SheldonDoubleazinga! I do! Good luck following that.
LeonardSo, Howard Wolowitz tying the knot. Leaving his crazy bachelor days behind. He was a wild one. Well, I guess we all kinda were. I remember this one time, I was with this girl at the beach. We were in the ocean and we started making out. I know, it was crazy. I wasn't even wearing my aqua socks. Then-
KripkeNobody cares, Hofstadter. Wwap it up.
LeonardRight. To Howard.
AllTo Howard.
LeonardI totally had sex in the ocean.
StuartOkay, I'll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can't help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I'm 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.
RajYeah, to Howard. Um, uh, who, who's next?
KripkeI'll go. Howard, I'm gonna say something to you that evewybody's thinking but no one has the couwage to say out woud. When you invite a man to a bachewor pawty, the impwication is, there will be stwippews. Maybe not compwetewy nude, but at weast pasties and G-stwings. That's not unweasonable.
RajHear, hear.
AllHear, hear.
RajOkay, uh, anybody else? Huh? No? Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, when I first came to this country, I-I didn't know how to behave or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, because we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world.
KripkeYeah, nice speech, Fwancine. (Tucks a dollar in Raj's pants.)
RajI'm not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I'm addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.
HowardShe was my second cousin.
SheldonAnd the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!
RajOh, oh, yeah, and then there was the time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and-and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one's my favorite!
HowardOkay, buddy, that's it. Sit down.
RajOh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
HowardDon't remember. Please sit down.
RajThe only threesome I've ever had in my whole life, and I'm proud to say it was with this man right here.
HowardOh, please shut up.
RajOh, oh, don't get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.
Wil(Filming on his phone) Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you.
SheldonJeepers, I'm drunk. Bernadette's car. HowardThank you for picking us up. There's a warning, right there, on the Scotch bottle. You cannot be operatin' heavy machinery after you had a snootful of this, laddie!
BernadetteFunny. You boys have a nice time?
HowardYeah, it was great. And low-key, like I promised. No hanky-panky, no strippers. Just the guys telling jokes.
BernadetteThat's nice.
HowardHow about you? Did you have a fun night? Yeah, we, uh, made gift bags, had wine, and then went online and saw this.
Raj's VoiceOf all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one's my favorite.
RajYou know, we're not that far from my apartment. If you stop the car, I can walk from here.
BernadetteYou ain't going anywhere, Threeway.
HowardBernadette, listen-
BernadetteYou lied to me. You said you told me about all the girls you've been with, but you never mentioned your cousin, the prostitute, or Raj!
RajSeriously, you don't even have to stop the car. Anything under ten miles an hour and I can combat roll into the street.
HowardOkay, just to set the record straight, I didn't hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
BernadetteDon't you try and blame this on him.
RajThank you, Bernadette.
BernadetteZip it, pervert! Bernadette's apartment. BernadetteI don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm supposed to marry Howard in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure I even know who the man is any more.
AmyI'm curious what's bothering you most, the borderline incest, the prostitute or group sex with the girl dressed as the children's cartoon?
PennyAmy, remember when we went over things that would be helpful and things that wouldn't?
AmyRight. And that was...
PennyNot.
BernadetteWhen I first met Howard, he seemed so innocent to me, just a sweet little guy who lives with his mother.
PennyWell, if that's what you like, I'll take you to the comic book store, the place is full of 'em.
BernadetteWait a minute. You set me up with Howard. Did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into?
PennyWell, a little. You hear stuff.
BernadetteWhy didn't you tell me?
PennyWell, I was gonna, but I didn't think it would go past the first date. Then, when it did, I thought for sure it wouldn't go past you meeting his mother. Definitely not past the two of you sleeping together. I mean, the warning signs were there, this is really on you.
BernadetteMy God! I thought you were my friend. (Runs to bedroom)
AmyI don't think that was helpful. The apartment. Howard is on the phone. HowardHi, Bernie, it's me again. Please call me back.
RajDude, I am so sorry.
HowardIt's not your fault, it's mine. I did all that stuff, not you.
LeonardActually, you did do one of them together.
SheldonHere.
HowardWhat is this?
SheldonYou're upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.
HowardNo, but what is it?
SheldonChicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it's been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.
HowardI don't know what my next move is.
LeonardWell, Howard, I don't know much about women.
HowardYeah?
LeonardNo, uh, that, that's it. I don't know much about women. Raj, you got anything?
RajI've got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con.
HowardI'm not calling the girl from Comic-con.
RajAll right. More Sailor Moon for me.
SheldonI just threw up the bachelor party. Bernadette's apartment. PennyPlease come out, Bernadette. Let's talk through this.
BernadetteNo, leave me alone.
AmyPerhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. Do you have a cousin who you find attractive?
PennyAmy.
AmyHey, you introduced him to the sleazebag. I'm just trying to clean up your mess.
Howard(At the door) Oh, hi.
PennyHey.
HowardI need to talk to Bernadette.
PennyWell, I don't think she wants to talk to anyone right now.
HowardAll right, well, could you at least give her a message?
PennyYeah, sure, I guess.
HowardTell her I'm really sorry, and if she doesn't want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she's disgusted by, is the guy that I'm disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn't exist any more, he's gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you.
PennyOh, my God, Howard. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. And it came out of you.
BernadetteHowie?
HowardPenny has a message for you.
BernadetteI heard. Your voice, not unlike your mother's, travels through walls.
HowardDo you want me to go?
BernadetteNo. Come here. (They hug) I'm still really mad at you.
HowardI get that.
BernadetteIs there anything else about your past I should know?
HowardCouple things, but, you know, most of them happened overseas. I'll tell you later.
BernadetteOkay.
HowardSo, is the wedding still on?
BernadetteYeah, the wedding's still on. (They hug again)
AmyOh, thank God. I'm still a maid of honor. (Joins in the hug)
PennyOh, what the hell. (Joins in too)
AmyThis is kind of hot. The laundry room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. LeonardHello.
PennyWhat's with the robe?
Leonard(Taking it off) I'm gonna have s*x with you right here, right now, on that washing machine.
PennyNo, you're not.
LeonardCome on, please.
PennyIf you wanna do something, you can help me fold this sheet.
LeonardFolding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy.