BernadetteAnd the next wedding gift is... a gravy boat.
PennyOoh, one gravy boat.
AmyThat's from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved.
BernadetteIn the event of a divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper.
PennyOne inappropriate, yet I wish I thought of that gravy boat.
AmyWhen I get married I'm gonna register at the UCLA Cadaver Lab.
Amy'Cause I've always wanted a whole human skeleton and they are really spendy.
BernadetteSo, you actually see you and Sheldon getting married someday?
AmyNot just someday. In exactly four years. But don't tell Sheldon. He's still a flight risk.
BernadetteWhat about you, Penny?
PennyWhat about me what?
BernadetteDo you think you and Leonard might ever get married?
PennyOh, well, you know, Leonard is great.
BernadetteBut do you think you'll ever get married?
PennyHe's a sweetie.
AmyYou're not answering the question. Do you love him?
PennyYeah, sure, of course I love him.
BernadetteIt doesn't sound like it.
PennyWell, I do.
BernadetteDo you tell him that?
PennyNo, he'd just take it the wrong way.
AmyWhat does that mean?
PennyIt means he is special and smart and nice and-
BernadetteAre you gonna break up with him?
PennyNo. Maybe. I don't know.
BernadetteI had no idea you were unhappy.
PennyThat's the thing, I'm not. I'm not unhappy at all. It's just, I don't know, I, I've been in love before, but it felt different. But maybe this is a new, better, boring kinda love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
BernadetteOh, that's not really a fair comparison. I'm basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.
AmyCan't help ya, kid. Whenever I'm around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on fire. In the good way. Not the urinary tract infection way.
Cutting between the International Space Station and the apartment (the guys are on webcam).
RajHey, buddy, how's it going up there?
HowardYou don't have to shout, Raj. It's not like I'm an astronaut floating around in outer space. Oh, wait, I am.
LeonardSo, is it everything you hoped it would be?
HowardIt's better. I wake up every morning and I just can't believe I'm on this incredible adventure.
DimitriHey, Froot Loops, did you clean the space toilet?
Howard'Scuse me. I'm talking to my friends.
MikeYou know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet.
DimitriIf you do good job, next time we give you a brush.
HowardFunny. We're always giving each other a hard time up here. It's kinda like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings.
SheldonOkay, my turn. Let me talk to him.
Sheldon2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)
HowardYes, I read you, Sheldon.
SheldonCopy that. Over. (Static noise)
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonI am talking to a man in space. If you don't have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.
HowardYou're out of your mind, Sheldon.
SheldonThat's a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise)
MikeCome on, scrub it up, Loops.
HowardAll right, all right. I gotta go. There's a meteor shower.
MikeYou wanna see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.
SheldonOver and out. (Static noise)
Stuart(Knocking and entering) Hello.
RajHey, Stuart, come on in.
SheldonWhat are you doing here?
StuartUm, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys.
SheldonExcuse me. I didn't authorize this.
LeonardSheldon, you are not in charge.
SheldonThat's mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.
RajWhat's the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn't wanna sit by myself.
SheldonThe big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we're gonna be a faceless mass of six.
LeonardIt'll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he's Wolowitz.
SheldonHmm. Do you like Raisinets?
StuartI can take them or leave them.
SheldonAt the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.
StuartWould you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets?
SheldonWell, it's hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn't crunch during the film and it's Raisinets.
StuartOkay. Should we go?
SheldonYuh-uh, one more question, if you're gonna replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.
SheldonWolowitz went to MIT. What's your educational background?
StuartI went to art school.
SheldonEqually ridiculous. Let's go.
SheldonThis insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
AmyWell, I like it.
SheldonYeah, of course you do. You're a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
AmyJust watch the movie.
SheldonIt's not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
AmyThere might be a reason for that.
SheldonSweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
AmyPenny said she's not sure she wants to be Leonard's girlfriend anymore.
SheldonWrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
SheldonSo, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches' brew of his soda and spit?
SheldonString theory is complicated. That's just yucky. (Removes his drink away) Don't get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let's say that's true. Why doesn't Penny just end the relationship?
AmyShe's not sure how she feels.
SheldonHow can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They're fish with a sword for a nose.
AmyRegardless, don't say anything to Leonard.
SheldonNow you're asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
AmyYes, please, Penny will kill me.
SheldonUh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it's another fish with a tool on its head.
SheldonShh, we're trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
The apartment. Sheldon is making a sucking noise with his teeth.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonI think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won't go as far forward as it used to.
LeonardMaybe your tongue is shrinking.
Sheldon(Measures) Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.
LeonardI'm starting to get a sense of it. Don't worry. I'll take you to the dentist tomorrow.
SheldonThank you. I appreciate that. You're good people, Leonard. There's something I need to tell you.
SheldonI can't tell you.
SheldonI can't tell you why I can't tell you. So I guess there's two things I can't tell you.
LeonardI wish there were more.
SheldonGood night. I'm sorry. This is really important.
LeonardWhat is it?
SheldonI like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?
LeonardWhere exactly did your mother have you tested?
SheldonLeonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I'm gonna pause to let that sink in.
LeonardOkay, I think I understand.
LeonardThe guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.
SheldonThat is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
SheldonLeonard? Leonard? Leonard?
SheldonAre you sleeping?
LeonardI was. Now I'm having a nightmare. What do you want?
SheldonNever mind. I still can't tell you.
Penny's bedroom. Sheldon is standing over Penny's bed, knocking on the wall.
SheldonPenny? Penny? Penny? (Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams)
PennyOh, my God. Sheldon?
SheldonYou frightened me.
PennyWhat are you doing in my bedroom?
SheldonYeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
PennyHow did you even get in, you weirdo?
SheldonYeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it's weird?
PennyWhat do you want, Sheldon?
SheldonOh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you're up, we could talk.
PennyTalk about what?
SheldonOh, I don't know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.
SheldonDid you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
PennyOkay, go home, crazy man.
SheldonYeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today's North Korea, he's downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
PennyOkay, what did Amy tell you?
SheldonOh, very well. I can't keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
PennyOkay, you listen to me. I think it's really sweet you're trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
SheldonExcuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. (Sits down on her bed) I'm a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
PennyOf course not.
SheldonHomeostasis refers to a system's ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
PennyWorst bedtime story ever.
SheldonMy point is I don't like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we're on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I'm not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
PennyOkay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
SheldonI do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
SheldonPlease don't hurt my friend.
PennyThat is the last thing I want to do.
SheldonThank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?
Amy's bedroom. Phone rings.
PennyWhat the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps)
AmyHang on, please. Hello?
SheldonYeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She's pretty mad.
AmyI know. She's yelling at me right now.
SheldonAll right then, so we're all on the same page.
Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette's apartment.
BernadetteThere's my hubby. How's everything going up there?
HowardOh, it's okay. Space is beautiful. Earth is beautiful. Same old, same old.
HowardNothing. Everything's fine.
HowardThe other astronauts are being mean to me.
BernadetteNo, what are they doing?
HowardWell, like for instance, the other day when I was asleep, one of the guys went on a space walk and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask to the outside of my window. When I woke up, I screamed for like nine minutes.
HowardYou can see it if you want. It's on YouTube. Google astronaut screams for nine minutes.
BernadetteWhy don't you stand up to them?
HowardWhat am I supposed to say?
BernadetteI don't know. Say, being mean is lame, what's cool is being nice.
HowardGreat, I'll do that when I wanna be the first guy in space to get a wedgie.
BernadetteDo you want me to call somebody at NASA?
HowardNo. My mom already tried that. It only made things worse.
The apartment. The guys are playing a card game.
StuartTemple of Yip.
SheldonI'm sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.
StuartAll right, Lesser Demon Turtle.
SheldonFairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.
RajSo, what are you guys doing later? Stuart and I were thinking of going out for a drink.
StuartWe're gonna try to meet some girls.
Raj'Cause that's what we do.
StuartWatch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.
RajIn case you didn't follow that, I'm the coffee.
SheldonLeonard? Maybe you'd like to go with them to meet girls.
LeonardWhy would I be interested? I have Penny.
SheldonYeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I'd get a back-up.
LeonardYou can't just replace someone you care about with some other random person.
StuartNo, please don't ruin this for me.
SheldonDo you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?
Leonard(In Hulk's voice) Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice.
SheldonBut, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.
LeonardWhat's your point?
SheldonCall me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere.
LeonardThis is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?
StuartI like Mark Ruffalo, too.
SheldonYeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up.
LeonardSo, I had to take Sheldon to the dentist this morning.
LeonardYeah. I told him if he didn't bite the hygienist, I'd take him for ice cream.
LeonardI didn't have to take him for ice cream.
LeonardYou okay? You seem a little distracted.
PennyLook, there's something I need to tell you.
LeonardOh. Yeah, okay.
PennyI don't really know how to say this.
LeonardJust say it.
PennyOkay. Here goes.
AmyYou slept with him?
PennyI didn't know what else to do. He had those big, sad eyes.
BernadetteOh, sure, you had no choice.
PennyHe looked at me like this.
AmyWell, if that's all it takes, it's a good thing you don't have a dog.
BernadetteDon't worry. You'll have plenty of chances to break up with him. Your wedding day, your honeymoon, your 50th anniversary.
PennyLook, it's fine. We're not getting married, okay? We're keeping things, you know, homeostasis.
AmyIt's so cute when she tries.
Penny(Phone text tone) It's from Leonard. Last night was amazing. You're amazing. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. (They give him a hangdog look) Please stop it.
Cutting between the International Space Station and the Bernadette's apartment.
HowardHey, Bernie, guess what? I stood up to the other astronauts like you said and I got to tell you, last night was the first time in a week I got a good night's sleep. (On screen, Howard has a mouse face drawn on his face, and the words F.LOOPS on his forehead.)
HowardWhat's wrong? You look upset.
BernadetteNope, this is my proud face.