Howard and Bernadette's apartment. BernadetteWhat you doing?
HowardYou said clean up. I'm cleaning up.
BernadetteYou can't just throw everything in the closet.
HowardHey, you can tell me what to do or you can tell me how to do it, but you can't do both. This isn't sex.
BernadetteWhat if someone looks in there?
HowardThey're just coming over for dinner. No one's gonna look in the closet.
BernadetteWell, you don't know that. What if someone's looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
HowardCould work out. For all we know there's a toilet in there somewhere.
BernadetteFine. But after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.
HowardYou know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon.
BernadetteWhy?
HowardAre you kidding? He's like a savant at organizing. You know, everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you'll see a label that says label.
BernadetteHe's our guest, we can't just ask him to straighten our closet.
HowardNo, we wouldn't ask him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.
[Later.]
HowardHey, guys, come on in.
AllHi.
PennyOoh, it smells good.
BernadetteThanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.
SheldonOh, you shouldn't have.
BernadetteOh, it's my pleasure.
SheldonNo, you really shouldn't have. I brought my own.
BernadetteYou stopped and got him takeout?
LeonardI had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
BernadetteSheldon, I've been cooking all day.
SheldonWell, now don't you feel silly.
BernadetteShow him the closet. Howard and Bernadette's apartment. RajThese spring rolls are amazing. Good job, Bernadette.
BernadetteThat's the takeout that Sheldon brought.
RajOh, well, I'm sure they wouldn't have tasted nearly as good if I hadn't tried your food first.
SheldonHoward, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by color?
HowardColor's fine.
SheldonWrong, they'll be arranged seasonally.
PennySheldon, aren't you gonna spend a little time with Amy?
AmyOh, it's okay, I'm used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.
SheldonYeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.
AmyHis quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me. The closet. LeonardSheldon, come on. It's getting late. Time to go.
SheldonOh, five more minutes.
LeonardThat's what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let's move it.
SheldonHow come I never get to do anything I wanna do?
HowardYou know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.
SheldonPlease, Leonard, he said it's okay.
LeonardSheldon, it's, wait, I can go home without you? Bye.
SheldonHoward, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?
HowardJuggle.
SheldonYou health nuts kill me.
BernadetteOh, my God, it's beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid.
SheldonUh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed-
HowardWhoa, you opened this?
SheldonWell, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content-
HowardI couldn't be less interested. Now, come on, I'll take you home.
BernadetteHoward, don't you wanna know what's in the letter?
HowardIf I wanted to know, I would've opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let's get out of here.
SheldonWait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?
HowardDo whatever you want.
SheldonThanks. (To Bernadette) Oh. Great party. The stairwell. LeonardYou know, when I first met Howard, he would pull his scrotum out of his shorts and say, aw, I sat in gum.
PennyWhat is your point?
LeonardWell, it's just kind of weird how grown up he is now. Happily married guy throwing dinner parties.
PennyReally? You couldn't just say that? You had to tell the scrotum story?
LeonardTrying to paint a picture.
PennyIt was a nice change of pace not eating takeout around a coffee table.
LeonardMm, you know, we could throw a dinner party, too. Maybe even ask everyone to get dressed up.
PennySure. Just, when you say dressed up, you mean nice clothes, right? Not, like, capes and tights and crap?
LeonardYeah. Although-
PennyNo. Howard and Bernadette's apartment. BernadetteHowie, you okay?
HowardYeah, I just couldn't sleep.
BernadetteTold you you shouldn't have espresso after dinner. I know the little cups make you feel big, but it's not worth it.
HowardIt's this stupid letter.
BernadetteDid you read it?
HowardNo.
BernadetteYou must be curious.
HowardOf course I'm curious. I haven't seen the man since, oh, I was a little kid. And a letter shows up on my 18th birthday? What's that about?
BernadetteWhy don't you read it? Maybe he apologizes or explains why he left.
HowardHe abandoned me and my mother. Why does he deserve a chance to explain anything?
BernadetteI get that. So, what do you want to do with it?
HowardSomething I should have done a long time ago. (Sets fire to it)
BernadetteReally? Are you sure?
HowardYep.
BernadetteFeel better?
HowardI do. (Smoke alarm goes off) Great. Neither one of us is tall enough to reach that. Penny's apartment. AmyI can't believe he set it on fire.
BernadetteYeah, just seeing that letter really freaked him out. And he was already having a tough day 'cause he accidentally wore my pants to work. I don't know why he was upset. They were bigger on him than me.
AmyBoy, I'm really curious what was in that letter.
BernadetteMe too, but I guess now we'll never know.
AmyWell, you said Sheldon read it. Why not ask him?
BernadetteI can't do that. What kind of wife would I be if I didn't respect my husband's privacy?
PennyWhat if I ask Sheldon, you just happen to be in the room?
BermadetteThat works.
PennyOkay. The laundry room. SheldonBleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building's belly button.
PennyHey, Sheldon.
SheldonOh, hello. What can I do for you ladies?
AmyYou have something we want.
SheldonOh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.
PennyNo, we just want information.
SheldonOh. Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me.
PennyWe heard you read the letter from Howard's father.
SheldonI did.
PennyWhat did it say?
SheldonI can't tell you that. I'm bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
AmySheldon, that's not a real thing.
SheldonWell, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend's hand at the movies. You know. That doesn't stop you from pawing at me like you're a bear and I'm a trash can full of sweets.
PennyWhy do you even care? Just tell us what it says.
SheldonControl over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn't give me the right to disseminate it freely.
PennyCome on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette's closet. Doesn't that count for something?
SheldonAre you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?
PennyYeah, obviously.
SheldonWell played. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit, Penny. The apartment. RajDude, you made the right choice coming to me for help with this party.
LeonardActually, all I did was invite you.
RajWell, put your mind at ease. I'm here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard's dinner party's ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I'm thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge.
LeonardI'm thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just wanna do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d'oeuvres.
RajSo your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe's? Hate to miss that.
LeonardHey, where have you been?
SheldonOh, Leonard. You know, if I was prone to sarcasm, I'd say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.
LeonardOne, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you've been gone a long time.
SheldonYeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard's father.
LeonardWhat information?
SheldonI can't tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
RajWell, come on, we won't tell anyone.
SheldonSorry, badgering me won't work. What you should have said is, It's pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.
LeonardFine, then that.
SheldonAll right, I'll tell you. My goodness, everyone's on their game today. The apartment kitchen. AmyThis is really fun.
RajYeah, it's nice to get dressed up once in a while.
PennyYeah, and the hors d'oeuvres are delightful.
LeonardAs is the company.
PennyAw.
SheldonMy shirt is itchy and I wish I were dead.
LeonardHey, uh, listen, everybody. Before Howard gets here, let's all just agree to not bring up the letter from his father.
RajOf course.
PennySure.
AmyAbsolutely.
SheldonIf I say yes, can we turn off that Latin orgy music? The stairwell. HowardRidiculous that we still have to walk up all these flights of stairs.
BernadetteYeah, try doing it in heels.
HowardI am.
BernadetteWait. There's something I have to tell you.
HowardWhat?
BernadetteI know what was in your dad's letter.
HowardSheldon, I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you.
Amy(Sheldon grabs her as a human shield) Hey.
BernadetteI made him tell us.
HowardWhat? Us? Who else knows?
PennyI know.
AmyMe too.
LeonardSame here.
RajShame on all of you.
LeonardYou know, too.
RajCouldn't leave him one friend, could you?
HowardSo everybody knows what's in that letter except for me?
SheldonYes, it's six against one. Stand down, sir.
Howard(To Bernadette) How could you do this?
BernadetteI'm sorry.
RajIf you want, we could tell you.
HowardNo, I don't want to know. I mean, I do, but- I gotta go.
AmyUse me as a human shield!
SheldonI panicked. He looked taller than usual. The closet. Bernadette(Off) Howard?
HowardIn here.
BernadetteI'm sorry. I should've left it alone.
HowardIt's okay. Sorry I ran off like that.
BernadetteWhat are you looking at?
HowardUh, pictures of my dad and me when I was a kid.
BernadetteThat's nice.
HowardI gotta tell you, as angry as I am at Sheldon for blabbing, he did a hell of a job organizing this closet. Look at this. Photos of Wolowitz family before father left forever. Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those.
BernadetteThink you could take a break?
HowardWhy?
BernadetteGot a little surprise for you. Come on.
HowardOh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I mean, I'll lay there if you absolutely have to have it- Oh. What are you guys doing here?
LeonardWhen you left, you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad's letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
HowardOh, yeah, what's that?
SheldonIt's simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.
PennyWe were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room.
SheldonAnyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don't tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
PennyYeah. And I said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.
BernadetteSit down, honey.
LeonardRaj, you're up.
RajOkay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
LeonardSheldon.
SheldonIt was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
HowardNice try. That's the plot for Goonies.
AmyTold you.
SheldonDon't.
LeonardAmy.
AmyYou didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.
HowardReally?
SheldonOr that's complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map.
LeonardPenny.
PennyIt was a letter explaining that your dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave.
SheldonI would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
AmyNo, it's not.
SheldonDon't.
LeonardOkay, my turn. Your dad wrote about how family is the most important thing, and that you should never throw it away like he did.
HowardHmm.
LeonardBernadette.
BernadetteInside the envelope was a picture of your dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote Howard, my son, my greatest gift. You okay?
HowardYeah. I'm terrific.
SheldonSo, which one do you think it is, matey?
HowardActually, I don't wanna know. I want all of them to be true.
LeonardWell, one of them is.
HowardThat's pretty cool. Thank you, guys.
PennyHey, it's still early. Why don't we go back and have that party?
RajYeah, cool.
SheldonYou know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.
BernadetteSheldon, don't you dare.
SheldonThere's nothing to worry about. Your secret's safe with me.
BernadetteThat's more like it.
SheldonAlthough copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review. The apartment. BernadetteGlad you're feeling better.
HowardMe too. If I'd known we were gonna be dancing, would've worn my flats.
PennyThis turned out pretty well, huh?
LeonardYeah, I think so.
RajI agree. That is, if you've never been to or heard of a party before.
AmyIf you'd let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you'd be happy all the time.
SheldonUh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you're keeping this dead goldfish?
PennyDamn, I forgot to feed him. And that I had him.
SheldonWell, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.
PennyParty's over! Party's over!