The cafeteria. LeonardI was reading about this jellyfish that never dies. Instead, it reverts to its asexual state and then grows up again.
HowardWe thought my 90-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.
LeonardMy point is, immortality is not only a possibility, it is real.
RajOnly if you're this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.
SheldonIf I could keep my Gmail account, I'd be okay with that.
BarryHewwo, fewwas.
AllHey Barry.
BarryWemember when we were twying to figuwe out what that smell coming fwom Pwofessor Tupperman's office was?
HowardYeah?
BarryTurns out it was Tupperman. Dead at his desk for two weeks.
HowardThat's terrible.
LeonardOh, my God.
BarryIn wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze.
SheldonIf we're going to change the topic from jellyfish, I'd be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.
HowardShow a little compassion, a man died.
BarryAnd turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter.
SheldonExcuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.
RajWell, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.
SheldonPchew!
BarryIf you need my nose, you'll find it firmwy wodged up the qectum of the tenure committee.
HowardYou Ph.D's gonna go suck up like Kripke?
LeonardNo. I mean, I'll apply, but I'm not gonna stoop to playing politics.
RajYeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can't get tenure, I'd like to see you or Sheldon get it.
SheldonRaj, don't dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.
LeonardExcuse me, but I think I'm just as qualified as you are.
SheldonPchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Penny's apartment. PennySo, tenured means a job for life?
LeonardYup.
PennyYou can't get fired even if you're bad at it?
LeonardMm, not really.
PennyWow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. The apartment. SheldonWhile I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn't diminish my output. You know, I'm like the sun. Can't turn this off.
AmyAre Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well?
SheldonMm-hmm.
AmyDo they know they don't stand a chance 'cause you're so great?
SheldonWell put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running. Howard and Bernadette's apartment. RajIt would be nice to have the increased income. Stop taking money from my parents.
HowardMoney from family does come with strings attached.
RajYou have no idea. They buy me a new BMW for my birthday but can I get seat warmers? No. Rajesh, if you want a warm butt, you're gonna have to pay for it yourself. Well, maybe I will, old man.
BernadetteI think that's enough wine for now. Penny's apartment. LeonardI just keep thinking about how cool it would be if I called my mom and told her that I got tenure at Caltech.
PennyShe'd be proud, huh?
LeonardOh, very. Assuming she takes my call. The apartment. SheldonMy primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.
AmyOr you take advantage of your newfound economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married. start a family.
SheldonOr, the chainsaw. Howard and Bernadette's apartment. RajAnd I will return to New Delhi in triumph atop a bejeweled white elephant. And you know what will be on that elephant's back? A seat warmer. No, Father, you may not have a ride.
BernadetteI'm gonna make some coffee. Penny's apartment. PennySo, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
LeonardI'm not gonna schmooze anybody. I'm gonna let my work speak for itself.
PennyThat's great. That shows a lot of integrity.
LeonardThank you. I'm a naive idiot, right?
PennyOh, good, you heard me. The apartment. AmyYou know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.
SheldonSheldon Cooper does not do cozy.
AmyYou don't say.
SheldonBut I suppose it wouldn't hurt to know who's on the committee. Let's see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.
AmyIs that a problem?
SheldonWell-
(Flashback to Series 6, Episode 12, The Egg Salad Equivalency)
SheldonEven you. You're a slave.
JanineI'm a what?
(End of flashback)
SheldonI'm not sure, it could go either way. The university gymnasium. LeonardHey-hey-hey-hey-hey. Mrs. Davis.
JanineHey.
LeonardHey.
JanineDr. Hofstadter.
LeonardYeah. Just thought I'd come down and start getting ready for swimsuit season.
JanineGood for you.
LeonardNot that you need it. I bet you look great in a swimsuit.
JanineThank you.
LeonardI've got what my father used to call furniture disease. My chest is falling into my drawers. I'm not, uh, familiar with this model. How do I make it start?
JanineYou push start.
LeonardRight. This one might be broken.
JanineYou have to move.
LeonardGot it. Oh. There. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now I'm feeling it. Oh, this is great. I could do this for the rest of my life. Hey, speaking, speaking of things you do for the rest of your life, uh, did I read that you're on that-that tenure committee?
JanineYep. I gotta get a home gym.
LeonardWell, I'm sure you have a lot of good applicants, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I'll be throwing my hat in the ring.
JanineAll right, I'll keep an eye out for that.
LeonardYeah.
BarryHey, Hofstadter. Funny seeing you here for the first time in... ever.
LeonardGo away.
BarryJanine the Machine, wet's do this!
JanineHey, Barry.
LeonardWell, look at that. Burned a whole calorie.
BarryI guess you got here ewwy to burn off that banana bwead I baked you.
JanineYeah, it was delicious. Thank you.
BarryNo, my pweasure.
LeonardOh, if you, if you like banana bread, I've got a-a great recipe. The trick is in fresh ground, I'll e-mail it to you.
BarryAw wight, I'm warm. Weady to kick it up a notch?
JanineLet's go.
LeonardThat's enough cardio for me. I'm just gonna stretch out before I hit the weights.
JanineYou okay?
LeonardCall someone. Janine's office. There is a sound on her computer. It opens up an online video. RajGood day, Mrs. Davis. This is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali from the astrophysics department. Don't be alarmed, I'm not really in space. Anyhoo, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about myself, so sit back, relax and enjoy the following 90-minute video.
JanineOh, come on.
RajBorn in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon.
Shelldon(Off) (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?
JanineGod, they're everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?
SheldonYes, hello. I'm fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.
JanineUh, Dr. Cooper, that's not necessary.
SheldonIt's too late. Get ready to like me.
JanineRoots?
SheldonThe tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.
JanineWhy would you think this is an appropriate gift?
SheldonUm... Well... You are black, right?
JanineThis meeting has come to an end.
SheldonBecause you wanna start watching it right now. Copy that. (Leaves) Let's see. Up next on the tenure committee is... Professor Wu. Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan. The cafeteria. LeonardGentlemen.
RajWhere have you been?
LeonardNurse's office.
HowardAsthma attack?
LeonardAsthma, heart, some kind of attack. I'm fine, though.
HowardYou guys going to Professor Tupperman's memorial?
RajI don't know.
LeonardProbably not.
SheldonBarely knew him.
HowardYeah, you wouldn't want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that's what I was hoping for, meerkats. The apartment. SheldonI won't be able to make our date night this Thursday, so, bad news for you.
AmyWell you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.
SheldonFirst of all, when you say things like that, people think you're crazy. Second, the reason I'm cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.
AmyIt sounds like a long and tedious evening.
SheldonEh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I'd rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee's going to be there.
AmyOh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along.
SheldonWell, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.
AmyOf course it would. I'm well-versed in academic politics, and as a respected scientist, I can only raise your stock as a candidate.
SheldonActually, I meant you could drive me. But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too. Penny's apartment. LeonardDo anything interesting today?
PennyOh, not really. I was out shopping with Amy. She wanted me to help her find something for this memorial thing.
LeonardWait, Sheldon's going to be there? We all promised we weren't gonna go.
PennyOh, what a jerk.
LeonardI know. I was hoping to go without anyone finding out.
PennyWell, since Amy's going, do you want me there? You know, to support you?
LeonardOh, that's nice, but it-it's just gonna be a room full of boring old men and I'm not sure how much help you'd be.
PennyOkay. I'm just gonna tie my shoe while you think about that.
Leonard(Sees her butt) Oh, yeah. No. Thanks, that would be great help. You realize you might kill some of them.
PennyOh, then you all can get tenure. Raj's apartment. RajCome on, Daddy. All the other scientists have seat warmers. (To his dog) This is so humiliating. I've got to get tenure. (On phone) Okay, let-let's meet halfway. How about I cut my cleaning lady down to twice a week? (To his dog) Looks like we're both going to be living like animals. The memorial. AmyLet's go over our emotional responses one last time.
SheldonOkay.
AmyProfessor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us?
SheldonSad.
AmyThe fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn't make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us?
SheldonGlad.
AmyGiving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was?
SheldonBad. However-
AmyNo.
SheldonFine. Bad.
RajUnbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
SheldonYou're here.
RajExcuse me. I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.
SheldonSo am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
LeonardWell, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all. And you, you said you weren't coming here, either.
RajI have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.
AmyI'd like to know why Penny's here.
PennyI'm here to support my man, just like you.
SheldonWhat are you going to do? Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
LeonardDo it. (Penny takes off her coat)
SheldonWhat? Did she do it yet?
AmyShe plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.
SheldonWell, that's a fine how-do-you-do. Don't just stand there. Take your breasts out.
HowardOoh, meerkat fight!
AmyYou're all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom's going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that?
LeonardWay to hit 'em with both barrels.
RajYou two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.
SheldonAre you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?
RajYes.
SheldonOkay, because that was not clear.
AmySheldon!
SheldonWhat? That was ambiguous.
RajWell, now it's biguous. What are you gonna do about it?
SheldonUm...
HowardYou could talk some smack about his mother.
SheldonWell, yes, of course, he wouldn't like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.
LeonardOkay, okay. Guys, what are we doing here?
SheldonI don't know what you're doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj's mother for a dollar.
LeonardOh, you do what you want, but I don't wanna lose my friends over tenure. Friends are forever.
HowardSo is tenure.
BernadetteWalk.
LeonardOh, I'm just gonna go home and let my work speak for itself.
RajYou're right. This is beneath me. (To Sheldon) Like your mother was last night.
LeonardHow about it, Sheldon?
SheldonWhat do you think I should do?
AmyWell, you'll always be an academic success, but I seriously question whether you'll make any more friends.
SheldonI don't want any more, but let's go.
BarryAre you kidding? I would wove to baby-sit for you.
JanineI could not ask you to do that.
BarryNonsense. Childwen wove me. Something about me just makes them waugh and waugh.
LeonardNo. We cannot lose to that jerk.
RajYeah, screw it. I'm going in.
SheldonWait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I'm going in is what I said to your mother last night. (To Amy) Don't worry, I didn't really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.
AmyShould've taken my breasts out while I had the chance. Janine's office. SheldonMrs Davis? Mrs Davis? Mrs Davis? I know you're in there. I saw your car in the parking lot.
JanineWhat?
SheldonI just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.
JanineWell, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.
SheldonI don't know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.
JanineYou didn't bring another gift, did you?
SheldonNo, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.
JanineGood.
SheldonAnyway, thank you.
JanineYou're welcome. I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen.
SheldonYeah, right on, sister.