The apartment. SheldonOh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
PennyNo.
SheldonAnswer honestly. This is not a trial. That'll come later.
PennyAbsolutely not. (To Leonard) Help me out here, I can't afford another demerit.
LeonardYeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.
SheldonWhy would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
LeonardI don't know. It's a fat guy on a Segway. That's funny everywhere.
SheldonI'm deleting it.
PennyWell, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.
LeonardYou know, if you're trying to make space on the DVR, why don't you just get rid of some of the stuff you've already watched? Like, um, Alphas.
SheldonNo, that's the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I'm going to re-watch it before season three starts.
LeonardThere is no season three. They cancelled that show.
SheldonWell, they can't cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.
LeonardThey did.
PennyUh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?
SheldonDumplings? Don't you understand what's going on here?
PennyAs a rule, no.
SheldonThat show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I'll never know what happened.
PennyWell, why don't you make up your own ending?
SheldonOh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I'll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I'll rub pudding on my gums. I'm going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.
LeonardOh, please, don't do that.
SheldonNo. They can't just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.
PennyI feel bad for whoever gets that phone call.
LeonardAh, don't. If they didn't wanna be yelled at by crazy nerds, they shouldn't have started a sci-fi channel. Raj's apartment. HowardI think you're gonna be really happy with this security camera. The optics are great, it's got infrared technology, and there's even a backup battery when the power goes out.
RajWhatever. I can see my little princess while I'm at work, right?
HowardWhy can't you just watch porn like a regular guy? I need your laptop so I can configure the software.
RajWait, hold on. This is weird.
HowardWhat?
RajI was Googling that girl I've been dating, and I found her blog.
HowardCool. Anything juicy?
RajShe said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he's Indian? And he's an astrophysicist, too?
HowardYou know what's going on, don't you?
RajYes, Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.
HowardI can't believe I have to explain this. People change names on blogs to protect their privacy. Roger is Raj.
RajOh. I always thought, if I had a white name, it would be Gavin.
HowardKeep reading. What does it say?
RajNo, no, I don't know if I should. If she wanted me to know about her blog, she would've told me. It's almost like I'm reading her diary.
HowardIt's exactly what it's like. Keep reading.
RajNo, this is creepy.
HowardOh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rear-view mirror when I put up that camera.
Raj(To the dog) It's not creepy. Don't listen to him. Oh, look who's got the sweetest kisses.
HowardShould I go? Penny's apartment. LeonardWith all the TV Sheldon was talking about, I had the greatest idea ever. It even blows away my idea for a Star Wars themed coffee shop called Brewbacca's. You need to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the perfect show for the two of us. It's got action and jokes and hot vampires and romance. I cannot oversell this. What do you say?
PennyIt's six thirty in the morning.
LeonardI thought you grew up on a farm. The apartment. Sheldon(On phone) Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it's me, and I don't wanna answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just. I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about y'all cancelling his favorite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?
AmyI'm sorry you're upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
SheldonI am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.
AmyOkay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.
SheldonOh, that's nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don't care how they end.
AmyYou know, I might be able to help you with this. There's a whole field of behavioral neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.
SheldonYeah, but I just told you, I don't have a problem with closure.
AmyYou sure about that?
SheldonOh, quite sure. (Amy starts a knocking sequence on the table. After staring at her a moment, Sheldon completes it.) That proves nothing. Raj's office. HowardReady to go to lunch?
RajDo you think I'm feminine?
HowardYeah. Let's go.
RajThanks a lot.
HowardWhat's going on?
RajI broke down, and I read Lucy's blog, and in one of the entries she said, when we first met, I struck her as a little feminine.
HowardJust a little? That's great.
RajI have to talk to her about this.
HowardOh, geez, why do you girls always wanna talk about things? Listen to me, if she's writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage. Rig the game.
RajWell, that doesn't seem fair.
HowardIs it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?
RajNo, it's not. I've always thought that was unfair.
HowardSo, take what's in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
RajWhy do you have to make everything so filthy? Why couldn't you just say the blog is like her giving me the key to her heart?
HowardThe key to her heart. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
RajI was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women, Sir Elton John. Penny's apartment. LeonardSo, did you love it? Of course you loved it. How could you not love it? Tell me how much you loved it.
PennyIt was cute.
LeonardOh, don't say cute. That's the worst.
PennyWhat's wrong with cute?
LeonardIt just makes things seem small. It diminishes them.
PennySo you want me to stop calling your little tushy cute?
LeonardYou can try, but nobody's gonna believe you. I just, I don't understand how you can watch a show that great and not be excited by it.
PennyI liked it. I'm excited.
LeonardWell, then, tell your face.
PennyWhat do you want from me?
LeonardYou know what? Never mind. We gave it a shot. Let's just see what else is on.
PennyOh, come on, don't be like that. I'm sorry I called it cute. Let's watch another one.
LeonardReally?
PennyYeah, it was fun. Kind of reminded me of my high school. But instead of vampires, we had meth heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.
LeonardAll right, cool. I think you'll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
PennyOh. Well, that's like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs. The apartment. AmyI've come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.
SheldonWh- I take issue with the word compulsive.
AmyAll I'm saying is, we live in a world where closure isn't always an op (Stops talking)
Sheldontion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?
AmyI'm going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn't so overwhelming.
SheldonBy playing tic-tac-toe?
AmyYep. Your turn.
SheldonOh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn't finish.
AmyExactly. How does that make you feel?
SheldonThe same way any normal person would. I feel like I wanna peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.
AmyAnd that's exactly the feeling we wanna address with this course of treatment.
SheldonOr you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.
AmyCome on, you can do this.
SheldonYou don't know what it's like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.
AmyYeah, sounds like a drag. Penny's apartment. PennyOkay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?
BernadetteWell, there was action, it was funny. I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl, but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?
PennyYippee, it's backwards. I get it.
BernadetteWhy does this bother you so much?
PennyI don't know. It's just, he's so passionate about so many different things. I just don't get that way. Do you?
BernadetteWell, sure. I'm pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms. It was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to, I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.
PennySee? I wish I had some of that fire in my life. I mean, I wanna care about things and get excited like you guys.
BernadetteWell, there's no reason you can't.
PennyYou think?
BernadetteAbsolutely. All we need to do is spend a little time and find something you're passionate about.
PennyUgh, that sounds like a lot of work. Raj's apartment. Howard(On webcam) Hey, what's up?
RajUh, Lucy's coming over. I need some advice.
HowardHowever long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.
RajJust tell me which one you think is more manly. This hockey jersey or this football jersey.
HowardI don't know. Go with hockey.
RajGood, black is more slimming. Oh, that's her. I got to go be butch. Toodles. (To Lucy) Hey.
LucyHi.
RajCome in.
LucyOh, look how cute your little doggy is.
RajYeah, well, I wouldn't get too close. If I give the right command in German, she'll rip your face off. The apartment. Montage of scenes. AmyO'er the land of the free, and the home of the... Next.
(Sheldon is laying out an intricate pattern of dominoes)
AmyThat's quite an impressive layout, isn't it?
SheldonYes.
AmyLet's box it up.
SheldonLet's box it up.
(Sheldon is turning the handle on a jack-in-the-box. Just before the end of the tune)
AmyThat's enough. Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!
AmyOkay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles. Oops, missed one. Now your wish can't come true.
SheldonLucky for you, 'cause I wished you were dead. Raj's apartment. LucyI like your jersey.
RajThanks. I love hockey.
LucyOh, cool. So does my dad. We watched it all the time growing up. Who's your favorite player?
RajNot Brian Boitano, that's for sure. How's your burrito?
LucyIt's still a little frozen in the middle.
RajProbably because I didn't read the instructions. No wrapper's going to tell me what to do. Unless his name is Jay-Z.
LucyIs something going on?
RajWhat do you mean?
LucyWell, you're acting all weird, and I'm pretty weird, so I think I know what I'm talking about.
RajI don't know. Maybe it's all those steroids I've been taking.
LucyI think I'm gonna go. Thank you for the burrito and the pork rinds and the 20-minute lecture on why monster trucks are better than regular trucks.
RajWait, wait. I, I found your blog where you wrote about me.
LucyOh. I kinda just write that for myself. I didn't think anybody actually read it.
RajNo kidding. You didn't make it easy to find. I spent hours digging around online. For the record, you have excellent credit scores. And your diabetic aunt seems to be adjusting to her new leg just fine.
LucyWhy were you acting so strange tonight?
RajYou called me feminine. And I, I wanted you to think I was more manly.
LucyRaj, I didn't say feminine was a bad thing. I meant that you're sweet and thoughtful and your skin looks so much like caramel, I just wanna dip an apple in your face.
RajI do have a pretty balls to the wall moisturising regimen.
LucySo, are you okay?
RajYeah.
LucyGood. Do you even like hockey?
RajNo. Bought this at the Staples Center when I went to see Taylor Swift. Penny's apartment. PennySo, I was thinking how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
LeonardThe Harmony One was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the eleven hundred, which he knows is too big for my hand.
PennySee, that's the kinda passion I didn't think I had. But then I realized I'm passionate about you.
LeonardOh, my cute little tushy strikes again.
PennyNo, I'm serious. Look, I've always had these plans. I was gonna be in movies and live this glamorous life, and anything less than that just wasn't worth getting excited about.
LeonardThose things can still happen.
PennyOh, obviously it's gonna happen. Yeah, a psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway, what I meant was, I shouldn't wait, you know? I've got you, I've got Sheldon, all these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
LeonardThat's a big deal.
PennyIt is, isn't it?
LeonardSo, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-Con?
PennyLeonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke. The apartment. SheldonAmy, I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.
AmyI'm a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.
SheldonWell, you're an excellent neuroscientist, you're a wonderful girlfriend, and...
AmyAnd?
SheldonDoesn't matter, does it?
AmyI'm proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.)
SheldonAnd a complete sucker.
(Montage of sccenes)
Sheldon(Redraws tic-tac-toe board) Oh, yeah.
(Blows out all candles on the cake)
Sheldon(Winds up jack-in-the-box until it pops out.) There he is.
SheldonAnd the home of the brave.
Sheldon(Knocks over first of intricate domino pattern) Don't stop. Yes, keep going. Just like that. Almost there, almost there. Uh-huh-huh!
PennySheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you're in my life.
SheldonI love you, too. Later. SheldonHello. Uh, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas? Oh, smashing. Yeah, you already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Yeah. Now, down to business. Um, your show ended on a cliffhanger. Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see. Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.