BernadetteBurbank Airport, please. Vegas, here we come! No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules.
AmyNo rules? We're not gonna get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group, are we?
PennyNo.
AmySo there are some rules.
BernadetteFine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
AmyThank you. (Yells) Vegas! The living room. HowardThe ladies are away, the boys will play.
RajAnything can happen.
LeonardIt's gonna get crazy.
SheldonDungeons & Dragons!
In the cab. PennyI got a brand-new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these. (Gestures toward her boobs)
BernadetteI got a sexy new tube top that says "Come hither" and a can of pepper spray that says "Close enough, Jack."
AmyI got some old underwear I'm gonna throw on stage at the Garth Brooks concert.
PennyI'm sorry, why old?
Amy'Cause last time I saw him, I threw new ones and it got me nothing. The living room. SheldonI've got a brand-new seven piece set of polyhedral dice. Hello, new dice smell.
LeonardI've got my helm of lordly might, my boots of speed, and if things get too exciting, my inhaler of asthma.
RajI got my new bloodthirsty savage warrior who will lay waste to all who stand before him. And I had a sensible salad for lunch, so I can eat all the pizza I want.
HowardCome on, are we gonna sit around chatting like a bunch of teenage girls, or are we gonna play D&D like a bunch of teenage boys who are never gonna have sex with those teenage girls?! In the cab. GirlsVegas! Vegas! Vegas!
BoysThe Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko!The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko!The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko!
[Leonard takes a drag on his inhaler of asthma.]
RajI'm actually glad Lucy had to work tonight. Saved me the awkward conversation about how I was gonna be hanging with my bros.
HowardIsn't every conversation you two have awkward?
RajPainfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her.
HowardReady whenever you guys are.
SheldonYeah, yeah, we'll be right there. Leonard...
LeonardYeah?
SheldonI'm not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.
LeonardOh, that's nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.
SheldonOh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto into my face. I'm upset the mailman has a new haircut: Zachary Quinto. I'm upset that daylight saving time started: Zachary Quinto. I'm upset daylight saving time ended: Zachary Quinto. I'm saying this for the last time: Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me.
HowardOkay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree, with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, "Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen... hero!"
LeonardSee, Howard's just as good a dungeon master as I am.
SheldonAs good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes.
RajHey, come on, guys, focus. Oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree, we thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors, and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal. (Phone rings) Oh, Lucy's free after all. See ya.
LeonardHey, hey, hey, you can't leave. We just started.
RajYou're right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I'm dead, I've got a date with a girl. Bye.
HowardWe'll be fine, watch. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali's bloody corpse, and says, "Don't worry, buddies, "Ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest." Well, I'm just a tree, but if I were you, I'd listen to your ghost friend!
SheldonGo on, give him your lunch money. A bar. RajI'm very happy you were able to hang out tonight.
LucyMe too.
RajNot that it's up to you to make me happy. Uh, well, unless you find neediness sexy. In which case, you're about to have dinner with the hottest man on the planet.
LucyCan I tell you something? I was so nervous about seeing you, before I left my apartment, I put roll-on antiperspirant all over my body.
RajReally?
LucyYeah. If sweat starts squirting out the top of my head, you'll know why.
RajI, uh, I'm sorry to put you through that.
LucyOh, it's okay. I've been trying to force myself to do things that make me scared.
RajWhat else have you been thinking about doing?
LucyWell, let's see. I'd love to be able to tell the lady who cuts my hair that I don't like bangs.
RajI like your bangs.
LucyOh, thanks, I like 'em, too.
RajWhat else?
Lucyit's kind of a tie between sending food back in a restaurant and saying no to those kids who sell magazines door-to-door.
RajMm, yeah. Those are both toughies.
LucyI know. I have a two-year subscription to Guns & Ammo. The living room. LeonardI push my shoulder against the secret door to see if it gives way.
HowardIt does.
SheldonHe does sound effects, too!
LeonardHey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn.
SheldonOkay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects.
[The girls enter]
PennyGuess who!
HowardWhat are you doing back?
BernadetteThat's an excellent question. Amy?
AmyUh, well... when we were going through security, I got pulled out of line for a pat down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy... I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
BernadetteLong story short, she's on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone.
AmyI'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
PennyOh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you're filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that's Vegas, you nailed it.
AmyYou guys enjoy your evening. I'm gonna go before I ruin anybody else's weekend.
SheldonThat's my girl.
LeonardNo, no. Amy, wait. Uh, uh, I know it's not the night you had in mind, but why don't you guys stay and play with us? It'll be fun.
SheldonIt would- fun? Yeah, okay, three weeks ago, you bought crunchy peanut butter, but now you want the girls to play D&D, do you have a drug problem?
LeonardWhat's the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.
SheldonWell, I've just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.
PennyOh, don't worry, sweetie. No one has.
LeonardSo, what do you say?
SheldonI'll leave it up to the dungeon master.
HowardYeah, a... satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, "You're playing D&D. You're playing D&D. This whole apartment...is playing D&D."
[Continued from earlier]
PennyOkay, who wants a drink?
SheldonYeah, we- now, Penny, we don't consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. We- it impairs our judgment.
PennyOh, this isn't alcohol. It's a magic potion that makes me like you.
LeonardDouble potion, please.
HowardOkay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. "What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!"
SheldonOkay, literal goose bumps. Look.
HowardWhat do you do?
LeonardI draw my broadsword.
SheldonI ready my quarterstaff.
PennyI drink my potion.
BernadetteI say we attack the big one.
PennyYou know what? Give me the dice, I wanna roll.
HowardWell, the dungeon master's supposed to roll.
PennyYeah, well I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. (Howard hands her the dice) All right, what do I need?
HowardUh, 15 or higher.
Penny15's the point, the point is 15. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we're playing for money.
SheldonOh, even better than money. You gained experience points.
PennyMore potion, please.
LeonardYeah. A restaurant. RajHow are your crab cakes?
LucyKind of funky.
RajThat's great.
LucyIt is? Does "funky" mean something different in India?
RajNo, no. Uh, you've always wanted to send your food back in a restaurant; here's your chance.
LucyIt's okay. I just won't eat 'em.
RajDon't be ridiculous. Waiter?
WaiterEverything all right?
LucyUh... yeah. Everything all right with you?
WaiterYes.
LucyOkay, thanks, bye.
RajHold on. Isn't there something else you wanted to tell him?
LucyNo, it-it's fine. Uh... He's from a different country, he doesn't understand our ways.
RajDon't be silly. Just tell him.
LucyI have to go to the bathroom. And it's not because the crab cakes are funky.
WaiterSo you're okay here?
RajUh, yeah, sorry. She's just a little shy. The-the first time we met, she was so nervous, she climbed out a bathroom window to get away from me.
Lucy(Climbed out the bathroom to find the back door is locked) Uh-oh. (Calling him) Hey, Raj. Funny story. The living room. BernadetteCome on, mama wants a pair of dead ogres!
Howard17! The larger ogre is dead! The-the other ogre says, "You killed my brother. Now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined."
SheldonThat is amazing. He made me care about the ogre!
LeonardAll right, Amy, there's one ogre left. Take him out!
AmyOkay.
PennyPretend he's that TSA agent. Come on.
AmyNineteen! Yes! (Everyone cheers) This is turning out to be even better than Vegas!
PennyNo, it's not! An alley behind the restaurant. RajLucy?
LucyHey, long time no see.
RajOkay, you don't know me very well, but each time you crawl out a bathroom window to escape my company, it chips away at my masculinity.
LucyI'm sorry.
RajWhy would you leave like that?
LucyYou were pushing me; I clearly didn't wanna send my food back, and you tried to make me do it anyway.
RajOkay, if I upset you, then why didn't you just say something?
LucyWell, how can I tell you I'm upset if I can't tell the woman at Supercuts that my forehead's my best feature? It's scary.
RajYeah, well, I like you a lot, and that's scary for me. Mostly because you're a proven flight risk.
LucyHow could you like me a lot?
RajWell, uh, for one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do, and I find that very attractive in a woman! I don't know. I just... I think you're wonderful. (They kiss through the wire mesh)
LucyI'm sweating out of my head. The living room. HowardThe dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano! (Everyone cheers) But wait! He's not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack.
SheldonYeah, uh, wait! Doesn't he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?
HowardFine. "You'd think, after all these years, I'd know not to fly over volcanoes. I'm a freaking idiot."
SheldonThe dragon's Christopher Walken! (To Howard) That's perfect.
LeonardAll right, Amy, it's your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off!
AmyHere we go. Fifteen?
HowardIt's a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground!
SheldonWait. Wait. And says...
HowardMother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home.
SheldonOh, I don't know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.
BernadetteThis may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.
HowardOh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I'm gonna take you on a whole different adventure.
SheldonAnother quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.
AmySheldon, they're talking about sex.
SheldonOh, then I'm out.
PennyOoh! I have an idea. Since it's not happening anytime soon, why don't your character and your character do it in the game?
Bernadette(Makes a funny noise) (To Howard) Come on, back me up here. Okay, I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy.
LeonardOo... Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that...
HowardThe love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he's ever seen, and he's overcome with a desire to rip her armor off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks...well, just like Sheldon, 'cause apparently she's into that. What do you do?
AmyI don't like this. (Gets up and leaves)
SheldonYou see what happens when you let girls play D&D? Sheldon's bedroom. Amy's sitting in the bed. SheldonAmy. Amy. Amy.
AmyWhat?
SheldonI've never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
AmyYou don't have to come in here and cheer me up.
SheldonThank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.
AmyI'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
SheldonWell, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think, a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, "why the long face?", that's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
AmySheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
SheldonOh, my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy... before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
AmyAnd now?
SheldonAnd now what?
AmyDo you have any interest now?
SheldonI have not ruled it out.
AmyWow. Talk dirty to me.
SheldonI know it doesn't seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.
AmyI guess I know that. It's just... part of me wants more.
SheldonMore? I mean, look at us. It's only been three years; here we are in bed together.
AmyCome on. Let's go back out there.
SheldonY... Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
AmyOh, okay.
SheldonI believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor. (Rolls a dice) It comes off. (Amy gasps) What do you do?
AmyI... kiss you... on the lips.
SheldonI kiss you back on the... (Rolls the dice again) lips as well. Your turn.
AmyI... remove your armor. What do you do?
SheldonI... erotically caress your... (Rolls the dice again) nose.
AmyKeep rolling.
[Continued from earlier. Penny and Leonard are at the door. Leonard knocks on the door.]
LeonardHey, you guys have been in there for a while. You doing okay?
SheldonWe're fine, thank you.
PennyOkay, we just want to say, we feel really bad about...
AmyGo away! Sheldon is nibbling on my... (Rolls the dice) 14! Yes!