On the deck of a ship on the North Sea, in the middle of a storm. Leonard is on a sat-phone.
LeonardSheldon, it's not a great time, what do you want?
Sheldon(In the apartment) Hello to you, too. I'm sorry, but this is important.
LeonardWhat is it?
SheldonBack to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.
SheldonSo, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?
LeonardSheldon, I got to go inside. It's getting rough out here.
SheldonYou're dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?
LeonardWhat was what?
SheldonThis isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.
LeonardOkay, I'm hanging up now. You know there's no such thing as a kran- (attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)
Penny's apartment door.
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennyWhat's the matter?
SheldonUm, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you'd get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.
PennySweetie, did you have a bad dream?
SheldonTo be honest, I did.
SheldonBack to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.
SheldonNo, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here, so you don't miss Leonard as much, uh, 'cause you're being kind of a baby about it.
PennyYou know what? That would make me feel better. Thank you.
SheldonYou're welcome. (Goes into her bedroom and closes the door) Good night.
RajI think you'd be pleased to hear that this morning in the parking garage I saw this oil stain on the ground that was shaped just like my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, and I didn't get upset at all.
HowardI'm proud of you.
RajWell, you should be, 'cause she was looking good.
SheldonDear Lord, you're an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.
RajIs that true?
SheldonEverything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating feces, living in feces and making little balls out of feces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.
HowardCome on, you can talk to girls now. It shouldn't be hard for you to meet someone new.
RajHow can I meet someone new when everywhere I look, I see Lucy's face? Tell me you don't see her smile in the crust of this chicken pot pie.
HowardOh, would you stop it. Listen to me, there's a welcome party for incoming post-docs tonight. Go to it and meet someone who isn't made of grease or pie.
RajYou think you're so cool because your wife is a person?
HowardLook, Bernie's at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I'll go with you.
RajYou would do that for me?
HowardOf course. You're my friend. I want you to be happy.
RajThanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy's out of town, would you like to join us?
SheldonI want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.
A hotel room.
Bernadette(On phone) Howie, stop. I can't talk like that. Amy's right here.
Amy(On phone) Sheldon, stop. For the last time, I will not bring home bed bugs.
BernadetteThe hotel's nice. There's a pool, a gym, the bar looks like fun.
AmyBecause I looked in the bed, and there are no bugs.
BernadetteAw, I love you, too. If I don't talk to you before you go to sleep, I'll meet you in dreamland.
AmyGood night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.
SheldonPenny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains-
SheldonWell, now that I've piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.
PennyWhy don't you just admit you only wanna play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?
SheldonYou overestimate his significance in my life.
SheldonDo I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)
PennyOkay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot.
SheldonWell, I try.
PennyAll right, let's just get this stupid game over with.
SheldonGreat. I'll go first.
SheldonBy the way, how are you with zippers?
SheldonWell, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one's gone all cattywampus.
The mixer party.
RajWow, your work on jellyfish neural nets sounds so interesting.
GirlIt is. You can download my paper off the university server.
RajI will. You can download my paper on the Van Allen Belts from the university server as well.
HowardHow'd it go?
RajWell, if you like dry, factual statements interspersed with painful moments of silence, it was bananas.
HowardCheck it out. Mrs Davis from Human Resources is here. She's probably on the lookout for sexual harassment.
RajOh, great. There go my chances of being sexually harassed.
HowardI heard her husband left her for a hot, young undergrad.
RajThat's so much better than the old, ugly ones.
Mrs DavisMr. Wolowitz, Dr. Koothrappali.
HowardMrs Davis, nice to see you.
RajYou know, I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.
RajSo, if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember, penguins get cheated on, and they're adorable.
HowardIt was better when you couldn't talk to women.
The hotel bar.
BernadetteI was thinking of going to the lecture on posterior cingulate cortex lesions in the formation of autobiographical memory.
AmyOh, brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they're yours, then they're a drag.
BernadetteTo the advancement of science.
AmyAnd to the sick and dying who make it possible.
BernadetteThis is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.
AmyWhich is fine, but it's nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.
WaiterFrom the two gentlemen at the bar.
AmyOh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
AmyYou be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.
BernadetteYou're right. Thank you.
SheldonOoh. Bad move.
SheldonMy queen can now take your rook from below.
PennySo, that means I lose, right? It's over?
SheldonIf I make this move, but I won't because we're having too much fun.
PennyOkay, let's take a break.
SheldonWe're all out of alcohol.
PennyI wasn't going to get alcohol. (Sits back) Gosh, I wonder what Leonard's doing right now. I miss him so much.
SheldonWell, if you'd like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I've explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.
PennyI'm calling him.
SheldonOh, goodie, put him on speaker phone.
Leonard(On board boat, at a party, dancing) Excuse me, ladies, my pants are buzzing. North Sea, how can I kelp you?
LeonardPenny? Hey, it's Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny.
PennyWow, it sounds like you're having a good time.
LeonardBest time of my life.
SheldonIsn't it five thirty in the morning there?
LeonardIs it? Hey, everybody, it's five thirty in the morning!
PennyUh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you.
LeonardUh-oh, hang on.
SheldonAre you in danger?
LeonardNo, it's a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot!
EverybodyBerg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!
PennyLeonard, Leonard? I cannot believe we were missing that jerk.
The hotel bar.
AmySo what happened? How'd it go?
BernadetteIt's fine. I thanked them again and let them know we're not available.
AmySo I can drink this without having to give up the goodies?
BernadetteYes, it's all cool. Although, if you wanted to talk to one of them, no one would blame you.
AmyAnd why would no one blame me?
BernadetteI don't know what I'm saying.
AmyWell, it sounds like you're saying that I could do better than Sheldon.
BernadetteBoy, these drinks are strong. Hoo, mama, I'm gonna be hugging the toilet tonight.
AmyNo, tell me, I wanna know what you meant by that.
BernadetteI just meant that you're not married and your boyfriend's kind of, Sheldon.
AmyAnd your husband is extremely Howard. What's your point?
BernadetteSorry. I have no point. That was a stupid thing to say. Can we please just go back to having a nice time?
AmyWe could, but unfortunately my brain is lesion-free and I remember that rotten thing you just said about my sweet baboo.
BernadetteCome on. I apologize. Can we please just let it go?
AmyYour husband's weird and his clothes are ridiculous.
PennyI can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
SheldonThat you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
PennyNo. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.
SheldonAllow me to comfort you. At least you've got your health.
PennyReally? That, that's it? That's comforting?
SheldonUm, uh, in a hundred years, you'll both be dead and it won't matter?
PennyNo. Come on, you're supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he's partying is to cover up his pain.
SheldonOh, no, I don't think that's true at all.
PennyThis is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he's off having a good time?
SheldonWell, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?
PennyOkay, that, that's great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.
SheldonActually, I can't. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I'd take care of you.
PennyOh, that's really sweet.
SheldonPlus, if I do a good job, he said he'd bring me back a sailor's cap.
PennyWell, now I miss him even more.
SheldonWell, if it's any consolation, I'm sure Leonard's tormented every moment he's away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.
RajUh, excuse me, Mrs Davis?
RajI-I'd like to apologize for being insensitive. And for possibly making penguins seem like jerks, because 99% of them are stand-up guys.
Mrs DavisForget about it.
RajYou know, you, you and I, you and I have a lot in common.
Mrs DavisIs that right?
RajOh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I'll tell you about it.
SheldonHere is a hot beverage to comfort you. It's in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.
PennyCome on. It's still early. Let's do something.
SheldonWell, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess.
PennyHow about we just talk?
SheldonAll right. In 4D chess-
PennyNo. Come on, let's talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don't know.
SheldonI own nine pairs of pants.
PennyOkay, that, that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
SheldonI see. I own nine pairs of underpants.
PennyHow about I go first?
SheldonBut I don't wanna know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I'd say it's a thousand.
PennyOkay, look, here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
SheldonI've seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.
SheldonAnd it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you're going for. Okay, here's one I thought I'd take to the grave.
SheldonHmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not.
PennyThat's your big revelation?
SheldonYes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.
PennyOkay, you know what? I give up. I'm going to bed.
SheldonHere's something else you don't know about me. You just hurt my feelings.
PennyWhat did I do?
SheldonI opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.
PennyI, I didn't think it was a big deal.
SheldonIt is to me; that's the point.
PennySheldon, you are right. I'm really sorry. I should've known better.
SheldonYour apology is accepted.
PennyThank you. How about a hug?
SheldonHow about a hearty handshake?
SheldonNow I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.
The hotel room.
AmyMm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.
BernadetteYeah, that felt nice.
AmyMaybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.
BernadetteSo, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?
AmyI think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.
BernadetteOh, good, 'cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I'd have to teach him a thing or two.
AmyNot my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It'd be nice to be with a man who wants to know what's underneath my cardigan. FYI, it's another cardigan.
BernadetteYour short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.
AmyYour brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.
Mrs DavisAll right, Dr. Koothrappali, it's been nice talking to you, but I need to go home and relieve my babysitter.
RajYeah, I can relate to being a single parent. I have a dog.
Mrs DavisYeah, it's exactly the same thing. Good night.
RajMrs Davis, I, uh, I must confess, I came here tonight in a futile attempt to pick up some lonely postdoc, but instead I got to connect with you at a human level. That's a much better evening. You're a lovely person.
Mrs DavisAre you hitting on me?
RajNo, no, no, that would be crazy. I mean, if I were hitting on you, you'd know it 'cause you'd feel uncomfortable and a little sad for me.
Mrs DavisYou're sweet. Good night, Dr. Koothrappali.
HowardLooks like she accepted your apology.
RajAnd then some. I think we had a moment.
HowardOh, please, you did not have a moment.
RajWho died and made you king of moments?
HowardOkay, fine. Let's say there was a moment.
HowardThere wasn't. But, but even if there was, what are you gonna do about it?
RajI will slowly seduce her until she falls helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I can give her.
RajNo, not a thing.
A bathroom shower.
Penny(Acting) Ah, I'm so glad the police finally caught that psychotic genetically engineered ape.
Leonard(On ship) That is my girlfriend. I swear to God.
EveryoneLeonard! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard!