The stairwell. SheldonAnd here's another interesting weather fact.
PennyAnother? Great.
SheldonChanges in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.
PennyWell, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere.
SheldonJoke if you must, but you're going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.
PennyYou know, I will miss this.
SheldonI'll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we'll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don't take my looking forward to Leonard's return as criticism of the job you've been doing in his absence.
PennyI won't.
SheldonThat criticism will come later in your report card.
PennyYeah, I didn't stay for the detention, I'm not gonna read the report card.
Leonard(In Penny's apartment) Hello.
PennyLeonard! Hi!
LeonardKeep your voice down.
PennyOh, my God. You weren't supposed to be here till Sunday.
LeonardWe finished the experiment early, so I thought I'd come home and surprise you.
PennyOh, my gosh, why are we whispering?
LeonardI didn't tell Sheldon, so we could have a few days alone.
PennyOh, that is so romantic.
LeonardUh, sure, that's why I did it.
PennyOh, I just cannot believe you're here.
Sheldon(Off) Penny, it's your lucky day. Three of the eggs are clearly not jumbo. Grab your keys. The comic book store. SheldonUh, Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.
StuartHappy to, unless it's hope or a reason to live.
SheldonOh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he's been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.
StuartOkay, well, I don't know how much you wanna spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.
SheldonAquaman? Oh, this isn't a gag gift, Stuart.
StuartYeah, just as well. It's a pretty rare piece. I'd rather just sell it to a real collector.
SheldonI'm a real collector. How rare is it?
StuartOh, I shouldn't even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun?
SheldonDon't try and trick me into buying something I don't want. Now let's talk Aquaman.
HowardWhat were they thinking, putting Doctor Octopus's mind in Spider-Man's body?
RajWell, I've been quite enjoying that. It combines all the superhero fun of Spider-Man with all the body-switching shenanigans of Freaky Friday. Both versions, original and Lohan.
HowardBoth versions: original and Lohan. You're an idiot.
RajHey, what's your problem?
HowardI'm sorry, I've been kind of snippy lately. It's probably this stupid diet I'm on.
RajWhy are you on a diet?
HowardI've put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men's section.
RajWell, we've all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost.
SheldonTwelve hundred dollars. That's my final offer.
StuartAll right, Sheldon, you win. I'm sure Leonard is gonna love this.
SheldonOh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.
StuartOoh, yeah, I don't know. This squirt gun, it's, uh, it's pretty rare.
SheldonOhhh. Penny's apartment. LeonardMm, this is me doing the Titanic pose on the boat.
LeonardAnd, oh, that's me getting rescued after I fell in.
PennyOh. (Knock on door) Oh, that's pizza.
LeonardYep. Here's some money.
PennyThank you.
LeonardAnd I'm gonna hit the head. That's what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee-pee.
Pizza guyTwenty-two fifty.
PennyOkay, here's, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change.
Pizza guySeriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.
PennyOh. Okay. Well, here's, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won't call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana.
SheldonOh, Penny, I see you've ordered pizza. I have Chinese food.
PennyThat's nice.
SheldonOh, that's a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.
PennyYeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so-
SheldonAre you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.
PennyUh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night!
SheldonWhat, now, do you have company?
PennyNo. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet's been doing that. I called the building manager, so-
SheldonOh, I can take a look at it.
SheldonI'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with Wiki]">my head in a toilet.
PennyYeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it's okay. You don't have to go into the bathroom.
SheldonThat's curious. If there's no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?
PennyOh. Well, you know, I, I've got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem.
SheldonOf course. Ask a silly question.
SheldonThat's odd.
PennyUm, what?
SheldonThere are takeout containers in the trash can.
PennySo? That's my dinner from last night.
SheldonWhat's odd is they're in the trash can.
PennyOkay. I promise there's no one's here. I've had a long day. I just wanna have a quiet dinner by myself.
SheldonOh, very well. I'm no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. (Starts to leave) Oh!
SheldonHave you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?
SheldonOh, great. Do you wanna go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt gun? Howard and Bernadette's apartment. BernadetteHi, honey.
BernadetteI made some brownies. You want one?
HowardYou're kidding, right? I mean, you know I'm trying to lose weight. God, I thought we were partners in this marriage.
BernadetteWe are. Stop it. And for the last time, you're not fat.
HowardReally? Tell that to the bathroom scale, 'cause one of you is lying.
BernadetteFine, forget I asked. How was dinner at your mom's?
HowardAwful. I had to rub her ointment all over her again.
BernadetteWhy can't she do it?
Howard'Cause we've got a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which reminds me, do you think you can get any samples of this from work? This was supposed to last her a month, but they didn't take into account the square footage of her back.
BernadetteLet me see. How long have you been putting this on her?
HowardI don't know. Few weeks. Why?
BernadetteOkay. This is really strong oestrogen cream. Please tell me you've been wearing gloves.
HowardLike these swollen sausages could fit in gloves.
BernadetteHowie, the oestrogen's getting absorbed by your skin. That's why you've been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
HowardYou're full of oestrogen and you don't act like that.
BernadetteThat's 'cause I'm a woman. I've had years of practice riding the dragon.
HowardFine. I'll wear gloves next time.
BernadetteIt's still gonna take a few weeks for the hormones to leave your system.
HowardI feel so stupid. And fat.
BernadetteIt's okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don't we go in the bedroom and I'll prove it to you?
HowardSex? Really? I mean, that's just your solution to everything. The apartment. AmyOh, and here's a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you're not even listening to the rules of my made-up language.
SheldonYes, I am.
AmyThen what does tweepadock mean?
SheldonUh, elephant?
AmyLucky guess.
SheldonI'm sorry. I'm just distracted by something that happened over at Penny's.
AmyWhat happened?
SheldonI fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.
SheldonShe claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard's lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.
AmyI don't think Penny would cheat on Leonard.
SheldonOh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It's a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.
AmyYou're being ridiculous.
SheldonAmy, there were Chinese food containers, IN the trash can.
AmyPoor Leonard. Sheldon and Amy listening at Penny's door. AmyDo you hear anything?
SheldonI hear a woman's voice.
AmyIs it Penny?
SheldonNo, it's you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.
AmyYeah, like you know what kissing sounds like.
SheldonThere's kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.
AmyLet me listen. Sounds like Leonard.
SheldonPlease. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that's it. I'm catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)
AmyNo, Sheldon, don't.
PennyWhat the hell?
PennySheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that.
SheldonRight. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again? Penny's apartment. LeonardI'm sorry, Sheldon. I should've told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny.
SheldonOh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.
LeonardThat is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.
SheldonOh, no, no, let's not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying.
PennyNo, he doesn't.
LeonardI actually have used those exact words before. In that order.
SheldonWell, Leonard, I think it's high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.
LeonardThe what?
AmyPlease leave me out of this.
SheldonFine. Leonard, there's no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.
LeonardCome on, I said I was sorry.
SheldonNo, no, you save your apologies for after you've had disappointing coitus with Penny.
Penny(To Amy) It was fine.
LeonardCome on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It's that sailor cap that you wanted. It's neat, huh?
SheldonYou honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir?
LeonardI don't. I really don't. Just try it on. Oh, yeah.
AmyHello, sailor.
PennyOoh, now we're talking.
SheldonExcuse me. (Goes into the bathroom to look in the mirror and then comes back) This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I'm wearing this year. Yo, Amy, you're going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts. Howard and Bernadette's apartment. HowardThanks for coming over.
RajNo problem. Ooh, you made little sandwiches.
HowardYeah, that's cucumber and cream cheese. That's turkey and loganberry. And don't tell my hips, but I'm warming up a brie in the oven.
RajNice. So, mmm. What's up?
HowardOkay, well, I've been reading up on all the side effects you can get from oestrogen, and, I need you to be honest with me. (Pulls up his shirt) Do my boobs look bigger to you?
RajWell, it's kind of hard to tell.
HowardCome on, Raj, it's a yes or no question.
RajI'm not sure. Um, wait. Jump up and down, let's see if they jiggle. Uh, no, I, I still can't tell, uh, oh, you know what? Okay, uh, give me some of this. (Shakes his body)
RajDo you want my help or not?
RajOkay, yup. See, see, that, that looks like, that looks like they could be bigger. But you know, I bet, I bet when I do it, mine do the same thing.
HowardYeah, they kind of do.
RajHmm. Uh, let me see something. (Grabs his boob)
HowardHey, easy, my nipples are sensitive.
RajOh. Sorry, sorry, uh, okay. (Grabs boob again. Behind them, Bernadette walks in) I mean, yeah, maybe.
HowardOkay, let me feel. No, I am definitely up a cup size.
RajYou know, but, but they're very firm, so you've got that going for you.
HowardYou think?
RajYeah, yeah, yeah, very perky.
HowardThank you. I really needed to hear that today. (Bernadette rolls her eyes and walks out) Ooh, brie's ready.
RajYay. The apartment. LeonardGood morning.
LeonardSo am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
SheldonI'd like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
LeonardWhere do you think I would take you?
SheldonWho knows? Uh, you said you'd be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you're taking me to work, but for all I know, I'll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
LeonardI'm going to work. You can come if you want.
SheldonOkay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.
LeonardNo, I don't.
SheldonHurts, doesn't it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you've ever told me is true.
LeonardI didn't make it back. The ship sank, I'm in hell.
SheldonYou say you're from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?
LeonardWhy would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren't?
SheldonAll right, I'll give you that one.
LeonardHey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?
SheldonI want you to admit that what you did was wrong.
LeonardFine. What I did was wrong.
SheldonI wish I could believe you.
LeonardYou know what? I'm not driving you to work, because you're incredibly annoying.
SheldonYou say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.
LeonardStop it.
SheldonKeep it up?
SheldonHello. So I guess you're really holding up the other four fingers? The stairwell. PennyOh, hey, what are you doing here so early?
AmyDriving Sheldon to work.
PennyHe's still mad at Leonard, huh?
AmyWell, he's mad at you, too. He says you're the succubus who led his friend astray.
PennyI don't know what succubus is, but, it has suck in it, so that can't be good.
SheldonThought I heard you out here.
PennyHey, Sheldon.
SheldonYou don't get a hey. You get a hmm.
PennyCome on, don't be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months.
SheldonYou're right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.
SheldonI let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?
AmySheldon, your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do-
SheldonCareful, Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy.
SheldonYes. You're either with me or against me.
AmyYou wanna take the bus to work?
SheldonMaybe there's a third option.
AmyFYI, I had a doughnut for breakfast, you jerk. The cafeteria. LeonardSo now we're just waiting for the data from the ship to be crunched, but the numbers look pretty promising.
HowardThat's so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation- (To Raj) Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here.
SheldonHoward, Raj. Judas.
LeonardYou know what? You're a crazy person.
SheldonA crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.
HowardStop it.
SheldonOr a mutant army. It depends on how my Kickstarter goes.
HowardI said, stop it. Now, listen to me. You two aren't just friends. You're best friends. And that's a beautiful thing. I mean, Leonard, you know why he's so mad at you? It's 'cause he missed you. Yeah, and as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life. As I do. This man held my breast the other day and I love him for it.
RajA little loud, dude.
HowardSo, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we're here together?
SheldonI suppose so.
HowardThank you.
Raj(To the staring people) Uh, it wasn't anything weird. It was just to see how big they were. The apartment. SheldonAnd then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
LeonardI thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights.
PennyI'm so glad you guys are friends again.
SheldonAnd I'm glad you and I are friends again, too.
SheldonWhich reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
PennyFifty cents off Vagisil.
SheldonThink of me when you apply it.
RajUh, can I just say, I've missed all of us hanging out together.
PennyMe too.
LeonardUm, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
BernadetteOh, that happened right after you left.
LeonardAnd no one told me?
Howard(Crying) Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny(Handing Howard the Vagisil coupon) Think of Sheldon when you apply it.