AmyI've never seen him this happy before.
LeonardThat's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day.
SheldonLook. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can't wait until I get a rash.
LeonardOh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail.
SheldonHey, isn't that Professor Proton?
SheldonLook at him, just standing in line like he wasn't moderately famous 30 years ago. Let's go say hello.
LeonardOh, maybe we shouldn't bother him.
SheldonI'm not going to bother him, I'm going to talk to him.
LeonardHe thinks there's a difference.
SheldonArthur? Arthur, it's me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.
ArthurTrust me, I, I remember.
SheldonThis is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.
ArthurHold, hold, hold on. You, you have a girlfriend?
AmyYes, and I've heard so much about you. Hey look, we're wearing the same orthopaedic shoes. I can't believe I dress like a celebrity.
ArthurOh, okay, I get it now.
LeonardDr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter.
ArthurOh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?
LeonardNo, she's not.
SheldonSo, what prescription are you getting filled?
SheldonNo. Wait, I wanna guess. Don't tell me.
ArthurI wasn't going to tell you.
AmySheldon, come on.
SheldonNo, no, no. I'm really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?
ArthurWell, given my age, that's more than just a lucky guess.
LeonardHey, Sheldon, let's go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that.
SheldonBut I'm hanging out with my friend, and we're having fun. Look how happy he is.
HowardOh, Bernie's having a girls' night on Friday at our place. You wanna do something?
RajActually, I'm busy.
RajThere's a new sports bar over on Colorado Ave-
HowardYou're going to girls' night.
HowardYou know they're making jewellery, right?
RajYou think they came up with that? They were gonna drink beer and play darts.
HowardNot his testosterone levels.
RajExcuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity.
HowardHow is that possible?
LeonardHey, I got an email from Professor Proton.
SheldonGoody. What's it say?
LeonardHe's working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I'd take a look at it.
SheldonThat's strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard's email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can't believe he picked you over me.
HowardYou don't wanna read a paper by some old has-been who hasn't done any real science in decades.
RajYeah, it's nothing to cry about.
SheldonSheldon Cooper does not cry.
HowardIt's true, you'd rust.
SheldonAnd to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he's just another Hollywood phony.
AmyIs it really worth getting upset about?
SheldonYeah, they say don't meet your heroes. Don't peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you'll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.
AmyCome on, he's a retired kids show host.
SheldonThat's even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.
AmyHave you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?
SheldonYes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
AmyMaybe he found you, um, a bit much.
SheldonThat's kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three. There's the coy smile. There's the friendly chuckle. There's the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one's tricky, I'm still working on it.
AmyFrom what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you-
SheldonNo, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I've heard it my whole life. The word's annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I'm annoying.
SheldonOh, it won't hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I'm annoying. I'm annoying. I'm annoying. I'm annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you wanna say it, say it. Say I'm annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can't stand it when I'm right.
Howard and Bernadette's apartment.
AmyThis is fun. I'm gonna feel like such a vixen wearing jewellery that doesn't have a list of medications I'm allergic to.
RajPenny, how's it going over there?
PennyGood, I'm just having little trouble with the glue.
AmyHow do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch pre-school?
PennyYeah, but only because I was dating a second grader.
RajOkay, let me have it. Let's hear all the Raj is a girl jokes.
HowardNope. Bernadette told me it isn't nice and I'm not allowed.
HowardSo I won't be making fun of you, or the things you like, or the fact that you just wanna have fu-un.
BernadetteHowie, stop. Come on, look at what I'm making.
HowardOh, that's actually pretty nice.
AmyI'm making a bracelet.
PennyYeah, I'm just making a mess.
HowardYou know, instead of beads and glue, you guys can use my soldering iron. You'd be able to make much cooler stuff.
RajOh, I think we're doing just fine, thank you.
AmyActually, I'd kind of like to try that.
HowardBe right back.
PennyWhen did I have pistachios?
Professor Proton's house.
Sheldon(Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Arthur. Arthur. Door knocker. That's TV money.
ArthurSheldon, what are you doing here?
SheldonI'm sorry, did I wake you?
ArthurOf course you woke me, it's seven thirty.
SheldonWell, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn't on this map of Hollywood stars.
ArthurWhat do you want, Sheldon?
SheldonIt's been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.
ArthurShe sounds like a keeper.
SheldonAnyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.
ArthurAll right, apology accepted. Have a nice night.
SheldonNo, no, now that we've cleared the air, I, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.
ArthurSheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house.
SheldonWell, then, I'll make this quick. Um, I wanna talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it's promising and he's going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you're a washed-up has-been. Or dead.
ArthurI should be so lucky.
SheldonSo, uh, what do you say?
ArthurYou know, if it's all the same with you, I, I think I'll, I'll stick with Leonard.
SheldonIt's because I'm annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I'm annoying.
SheldonSay it. Arthur, say it. Say I'm annoying. Say it. Say it. I'm annoying. Say it.
SheldonWell, that really hurt.
LeonardIf you would've told me when I was a kid that someday I would be doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you.
ArthurIf someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.
LeonardI'm sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I'm just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it's really interesting.
SheldonHello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you're both here.
LeonardWhy is it odd?
SheldonBecause as it just so happens, I'm also spending the day with a beloved children's television science personality. Isn't that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model.
Bill NyeWow, Arthur Jeffries. It's an honor to meet you. My show never would've happened without yours.
ArthurThat's what I told my lawyers.
LeonardMr. Nye, hello. I'm sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.
BillHe said I'd be speaking to a class.
SheldonNo, I said you were teaching someone a lesson. Now let's go.
BillWhat are you guys working on?
LeonardOh, uh, we're making nano vacuum tubes.
BillOh, that's interesting.
ArthurHaven't you stolen enough from me? Back off, bow tie.
PennyHey, guys, what do you think?
AmyWow, Penny, good job.
PennyThanks. Target, four ninety-nine. I'm getting a drink.
AmyWhat are you working on?
RajAh, I'm making a necklace for my mom.
RajYeah, she and my dad are going through a bit of a rough patch, so I wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her.
PennyWhat's going on with them?
RajThey're just having a little trouble communicating. My dad says it's because the sound of my mom's voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again.
HowardLook who's here to put the Jew in jewellery night.
BernadetteOh, sure, so it's fine when you say it.
HowardSorry we're late. I wanted to swing by the lab and pick up some even cooler tools for us to use.
RajI didn't know you were coming again.
HowardWell, last week was a blast. Plus, I thought you might like having a guy here.
Penny(Laughing) It was not funny.
AmySo, what tools did you bring?
HowardEverything we need to make jewellery moulds. Here's some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
PennyOoh, that looks like fun.
BernadetteMaybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.
HowardOkay, who's up first?
AmyRajesh, do you wanna make a bracelet for your mom to go with the necklace?
HowardI was gonna make a necklace for my mom, but unfortunately she doesn't have a neck. She's just chins and fat and feet.
LeonardOkay, we're almost ready to go. Once we bond the wires, we can test the tubes.
ArthurThis is so exciting, I, I feel like I'm 75 again.
ArthurWhat, what is it?
LeonardSheldon just sent me a picture of him and Bill Nye getting smoothies.
ArthurCan, can I ask you a question?
ArthurWhy do you put up with Sheldon?
LeonardOh, uh, you know, because we're friends.
LeonardWow, you ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but what you have to remember is that he's not doing it on purpose. It's just how he is. Oh, but he's also loyal and trustworthy and we have fun together.
ArthurYou, you know you're describing a dog.
LeonardHe did bite me once. But in his defence, I came up behind him while he was eating.
ArthurYeah, they, they hate that.
LeonardYou know what, Sheldon is the smartest person I have ever met. And he's a little broken and he needs me. I guess I need him, too.
ArthurWhy, why is that?
LeonardBoy, you will not let this go, will you? Oh, jeez.
ArthurAnother photo from Sheldon?
LeonardNo, I have to go pick him up. Bill Nye ditched him at the smoothie place.
ArthurHe probably stole his wallet, too.
HowardYou know, if you guys are interested, there's a technique where I can take a lock of your hair, refine it into carbon dust and use the hydraulic press at work to turn it into a tiny little diamond with your DNA in it.
PennyOh, that's amazing,
HowardYeah. See Bernie's engagement ring? That came right off my mom's back.
BernadetteHe's kidding. If that were true, it'd be so much bigger.
RajMy name is Howard. I can make your hair into diamonds. My mom is morbidly obese. Everybody love me.
HowardWhoa, where is that coming from?
RajI'll tell you where it's coming from. All you do is make fun of me for coming to girls' night and now you're here ruining it for everyone.
PennyRaj, cool it, he's gonna make us hair diamonds.
HowardHow am I ruining anything? I'm just trying to help you make better jewellery.
RajBut this isn't about the jewellery. This is about me having a place where I can open up about my feelings.
HowardSince when can't you open up with me?
RajThere are just some things that I feel more comfortable sharing with the girls, because they won't make fun of me or and call me names, or ask me if my Koothrapanties are in a bunch.
HowardBuddy, I was just joking around.
RajYeah, well, sometimes your jokes hurt.
HowardYou're right. I didn't realize I was making you feel that way. It was very brave of you to tell me.
RajThank you. It wasn't easy.
AmyThey're gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do, I know it.
SheldonI'm surprised to see you here.
ArthurYeah, me too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light.
SheldonI'll get Leonard.
ArthurNo, no, no, I'm, I'm here, I'm here to see you.
SheldonIf you're hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can't help you. I've been informed that he's now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.
ArthurNo, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn't too much trouble, I'd like to get your opinion about my, my paper.
SheldonThank you. It would be an honor.
ArthurOh. Uh, great.
SheldonActually, I don't need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.
ArthurAnd, what did you think?
SheldonWell, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing.
ArthurMmm. Thank you.
SheldonSecond, um, I thought your paper was inspired.
ArthurOh, well, that, that means a lot to me.
SheldonCan I invite you in for tea?
ArthurUh, no, no. I, I really, I have, I have to run.
PennyHey, Arthur. How are you?
ArthurWell, I guess one cup wouldn't hurt. (RUNS into the living room)
Howard and Bernadette's apartment.
HowardOh, hey, buddy, what's up?
RajWell, I was feeling bad about how I acted the other night so I made you a little something.
HowardYou didn't have to do that.
RajWell, it was fun. I used some of the jewellery techniques you taught us. It's a lightsabre belt buckle.
HowardWow, this is so cool. Thanks.
RajOh gets better. (Presses a button and it glows)
RajAnd that's not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.
SheldonYeah, and my eighth favorite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember?
LeonardHe can't help it. He can't. He really can't.
SheldonOh, wait here. I'll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can shoot it at Bill Nye's house. As long as I'm not within 500 feet of it.
ArthurSo, you, uh, you have, you have any, single grandmothers?
PennySorry, they're both married.
ArthurHap, hap, happily?