The apartment. LeonardThe math is all there. It's not real.
PennyYes, it is.
SheldonYeah,uh, look, it is scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you, with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.
RajIt's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
PennyOh, stop it. I've seen you eat, like, a million hamburgers.
RajHey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
PennyLook, I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
LeonardWere you drunk?
PennyI was 16 in Nebraska. What do you think?
LeonardI think you're the one who fell over.
PennyThat would explain why the sky was also on its side.
HowardHey.
PennyHoward. Cow tipping. Real or not?
HowardMmm. I'm gonna say not. That's just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she's snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she's invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house.
SheldonMmm. You know, I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I'd love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful.
HowardCome on, it'll be fun.
PennyUh, we were actually gonna do it here.
HowardPlease? Bernadette's bringing her dad 'cause her mom's out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy.
SheldonOh, since you put it that way, I'd love to go, but that sounds even more awful.
LeonardIt'd actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.
SheldonUh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?
LeonardI wanna go.
PennyYeah, me too.
RajI'm in.
HowardSheldon.
SheldonUgh, fine, I'll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it's on you. The apartment. SheldonDo we really have to go to Mrs Wolowitz's house?
AmyWe do. And I expect you to be on your best behavior.
SheldonNow I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labor under the yoke of the white man.
AmyAre you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz's mom's with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?
SheldonYes.
PennySheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
LeonardYou did?
PennyYeah, back when I was dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, we went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels, we had a really good turkey dinner. Which was surprising, since we were at a strip club.
LeonardWait, you went to a chapel?
PennyYeah.
LeonardWhy?
PennyWe had one of those silly fake weddings.
LeonardPenny, you know those are real, right?
PennyNo, they're not.
LeonardYeah, they are.
PennyNo, they're not.
LeonardYeah, they are.
SheldonHe's right.
AmyThey're real.
PennyBut it didn't seem real.
SheldonLet me ask you a question. At any point, was Las Vegas on its side? Mrs Wolowitz's house. BernadetteHi, Dad.
MikeHi, honey.
BernadetteOh, you brought beer for everybody.
MikeUh, okay, yeah, it's for everybody. I really just wanted to have a nice, quiet day at home and watch the game.
BernadetteYou can have a quiet day and watch the game here.
Mrs Wolowitz(Off) Howard, the medicine's not working.
Howard(Off) You just took it. At least let it reach your first stomach. (Entering) Hey, Mike. Let me help you out, there.
MikeThanks. What's wrong with your mom?
HowardOh, her gout's flaring up. Turns out an apple pie a day does not keep the doctor away.
Mrs WolowitzHow can one little toe hurt so bad?
HowardMaybe because that little piggy is being crushed by the barn. She should quiet down soon. I gave her enough pain meds to choke a, well, her.
BernadetteI guess we're gonna have to do all the cooking.
HowardI have a better idea.
BernadetteIf you think you're gonna make me do all this by myself, you're crazy.
HowardI was gonna make Raj do it all by himself.
BernadetteOh, well, that's a great idea. Leonard's car. AmyNo traffic, we're sailing.
SheldonYes. Like we're on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.
AmySheldon, that's completely inappropriate. You can't keep comparing yourself to a slave.
SheldonYes, Miss Amy.
LeonardI can't believe you're married to that idiot.
PennyUgh, would you stop? We just did it as a goof.
LeonardWell, a goof or not, you're actually married. You need to get this taken care of.
PennyI will. Why are you making this such a big deal?
SheldonOh oh oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed, he's gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that's just off the top of my head.
PennySo how do I undo this?
LeonardI'm hoping you can get an annulment. It's just like it never happened.
PennyGreat, well, what do I have to do?
AmyIt says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
SheldonHah!Penny? Next.
AmyIs there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
PennyWant of understanding? What does that even mean?
AmyDing, ding, ding. We have a winner. Mrs Wolowitz's kitchen. BernadetteThanks for saving the day.
RajAh, no problem. It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food. Uh, now, where does your mom keep the Crisco?
HowardUm, I don't know. Probably in a wad in her cheek.
BernadetteI'll help Raj in here. Why don't you go keep my dad company?
HowardHe doesn't want me in there. I'm the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
BernadetteDon't be silly, he loves you.
HowardDoes he?
BernadetteOkay, he cares about you a lot.
HowardReally?
BernadetteI do crap for you all the time. Get out there. The living room. HowardSo your wife's in Arizona with the grandkids?
MikeUh-huh.
HowardYou know, my mom's been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. 'Cause she's so fat. I'll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.
AmyHappy Thanksgiving.
SheldonIt smells wonderful. Is anyone slaving away in the kitchen? Because I, too, know-
AmySheldon.
PennyHere. Thank you for having us.
HowardWhat's with you?
LeonardOh, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
HowardReally? That dumb-ass she used to date? That's hysterical.
PennyI can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car (Snatches back a bottle of wine from Howard.) The kitchen. AmyYou need any help?
RajUh, yeah, can you, uh, reach that, uh, gravy boat up there?
AmyUh, sure.
RajGreat. That makes one of you. (Bernadette casts an evil glance) Okay, we have a lot to do and not much time to do it. Bernadette, you're on corn, gravy and yam detail. Amy, you're on rolls, cranberries and making sure Bernadette stays away from the marshmallows. That's right, I see you. Okay, if you have any questions, I'll be over here basting my ass off. Focus is key.
AmyDid you guys know Penny married Zack three years ago?
TogetherWhat? (Bernadette has a marshmallow in her mouth.) The living room. HowardYou ever play football?
MikeA little in college. You?
HowardNo. But I did get tackled in the hallway once. The whole school cheered.
LeonardOkay, I found the, uh, court papers that you and Zack need to fill out. I'll print them when we get home.
PennyFine.
LeonardAnd we can just put this whole thing behind us.
PennyAre you done?
LeonardWhat?
PennyLook, I get it, I screwed up. Is this all we're gonna talk about the rest of the day?
LeonardWhy are you mad at me? You're the one that did the stupid thing. I'm just trying to fix it.
PennyUgh, I need some air.
LeonardWuh, Penny.
SheldonI don't know the first thing about women, but I would not follow her.
MikeListen to Stretch. Later. LeonardHow am I the bad guy? She's the one who married someone else. I'm the victim.
HowardSounds like Zack's the victim. You're sleeping with his wife.
MikeI've kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
LeonardSure.
MikeI'm trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there?
SheldonThey passed against a nickel defense. They should have run it off-tackle.
MikeHow the hell do you know that?
SheldonMy father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.
PennyWell, you'll be happy to know I just spoke to Zack and he's willing to sign the court papers. He's on his way here now.
LeonardWait, you invited him here?
PennyYeah.
MikeI'm getting ready to weigh in again. (Leonard and Penny leave)
MikeWhat do you think they ought to do now?
SheldonI would throw a quick slant to a wideout, given that the defence is showing blitz.
HowardOh, I love a good blitz, especially with sour cream. Get it? 'Cause it sounds like blintz.
Mrs WolowitzDid someone say blintz? The dining room. LeonardI-I just don't understand why you invited him here today.
PennyBecause you wouldn't shut up about it. When I called him, he had nothing to do, so I just thought it would-
RajHey, guys, I'm trying to cook in here.
PennyOh, sorry. We'll keep it down.
RajNo, no, speak up. I'm about to use the blender, and I don't wanna miss anything.
LeonardWell, you might have to cook for one more because she invited Zack.
BernadetteWhat?
AmyOoh!
RajMy, my. The plot, like my gravy, thickens. The living room. SheldonI don't care for your mother's bathroom. There's not an angle to do one's business without a clown figurine staring at you.
HowardThat's why I sit.
MikeYeah, that's why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?
Sheldon1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.
MikeI was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.
SheldonSo was my dad. And then he did.
HowardAnyone need a beer?
MikeYeah.
HowardThank God.
MikeSo, does your dad still live in Texas?
SheldonNo. He died when I was 14.
MikeI'm sorry to hear that.
SheldonSo was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried.
HowardHere you go.
MikeOh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.
SheldonNo, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.
MikeWell, you're having one with me.
SheldonAll right.
MikeTo your dad.
HowardI never had a beer with my dad, either.
SheldonDo you mind? We're having a moment here. The kitchen. AmyI can't believe Penny's married to Zack.
RajWonder what she saw in that guy.
BernadetteI don't know. He's sweet, he's tall, handsome.
AmyBroad shoulders, good hair.
RajHmm. Wonder what she sees in Leonard.
BernadetteHow's it going out there?
HowardSheldon and your dad are bonding and completely ignoring me.
AmyI know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I kick it when he's not looking.
BernadetteWhat are they doing?
HowardThey're drinking beer and watching football.
BernadetteSo why don't you do that with them?
HowardThey don't want me.
BernadetteWhat do you mean?
HowardWell, Sheldon started talking about how his dad isn't alive any more, and they were toasting, and I tried to tell them about how sad I was when my dad abandoned-
AmyZack's here! (She and Bernadette run out)
RajStir the gravy. (Runs out, too)
Bernadette(Comes back) Sorry. I really wanna hear how sad you are. I'll be back in like five, ten minutes. (Grabs a marshmallow and goes again) The dining room. LeonardSorry she made you come over here on a holiday.
ZackIt's all right. I didn't have anything going on. Plus, Penny told me we're married, and Thanksgiving's a time to be with family.
PennyYeah, okay, great. Can we just get this over with?
LeonardYeah, uh, you guys have to sign here and here. On Monday, we'll file for the annulment, and this marriage will be over.
PennyOkay.
ZackI don't know if I wanna sign it.
Raj, Bernadette and AmyOoh.
LeonardWhy won't you sign it?
ZackI just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
PennyWe don't have any kids.
ZackAre you sure? 'Cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.
PennyOkay, look, Zack, come on. You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean, we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
ZackOf course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.
LeonardYou married him instead of me? Good call. Sign the papers.
PennyHang on. You know what? You have been a jerk about this all day. You always do this, whenever I mess up, you're right there to make me feel even worse about it.
LeonardThat is not true.
PennyYeah, we could've waited till Monday, signed the papers, this all would have been over.
LeonardYou're the one who invited him here.
PennyOh, there you go again, just another mistake you're throwing in my face.
ZackNot cool, bro. I'm starting to think you're not the kind of guy I want dating my wife.
LeonardYeah, well, she's not gonna be your wife for long.
ZackOh, no. Are you dying?
PennyI'm about to. Sign the paper.
ZackKnow what they say, happy wife, happy life. Let's eat. The living room. Sheldon(Burping) Two, three, eight, four, six. (Normal) That's all I can do without throwing up.
MikeThat is not what I expected when you said you were gonna burp pie.
Mrs WolowitzDid somebody say pie?
MikeI don't know what's scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there.
SheldonAll I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. (Points at Howard who enters) And there's the clown that came out of her. I really didn't wanna come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I've had in a long time.
MikeMe, too.
BernadetteHey. Howie says you've been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now.
SheldonShe's so tiny. It's funny when she's mad.
AmyAll right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
SheldonPerhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol, and it's caused me to be inappropriate.
BernadetteIt's okay.
HowardDon't worry about it.
AmyThank you.
SheldonAin't she great?
MikeMmm.
AmySheldon.
SheldonNow, how's about you get us a couple of beers? (Smacks her butt) The dining room. BernadetteThanks again for cooking.
AmyYeah, everything was delicious.
RajWell, I couldn't have done it without my two favorite girls. Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.
MikeHey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?
SheldonThis is a Jewish house. I don't think they have pigskin.
Mrs WolowitzDid someone say pigskin?
PennyHey, I'm sorry about today. And I promise, next time I get married, it won't be a joke. It'll be for love. Or money.
LeonardI'm sorry, too.
ZackDon't be. It's my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.
MikeI know I'm hard on you, but you're not the worst son-in-law in the world.
HowardMike, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
MikeWell, I'm drunk.
SheldonI just vomited on a lot of clowns.