AmyItem 28, your pet name for me. Time's running out on this. You need to make a decision.
SheldonI submitted you a notarized list.
AmyI'm sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable.
SheldonWell, you don't like Princess Corncob, you don't like Fester, you're just impossible to please.
AmyWe'll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine's Day.
SheldonAh, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.
AmyBefore you get upset, I believe I've come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.
SheldonPeople usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.
AmyI propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.
SheldonI hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.
AmyCome on, Sheldon. Why not?
SheldonFor starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.
AmyOne step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.
SheldonOh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We've only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.
AmyI got you your own room.
SheldonWhat if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?
AmyIt doesn't. I know it makes you feel like you're bathing inside a monster.
SheldonLook, I appreciate the effort, but I'm still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.
AmyWe're going to have Valentine's Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.
SheldonVintage? Be specific.
AmyAn Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.
SheldonWow. I'm feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we're good.
BernadetteAre you sure you guys don't wanna come with us to Napa? You could probably still get a room.
PennyNo, I think we're just gonna have a quiet weekend at home.
LeonardPlus, I'm not sure it's a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It's a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it's all for laughs.
PennyThat would really piss me off if I didn't have a buzz going on.
SheldonHoward, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?
HowardI'm sorry, what?
SheldonOh, I'm afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.
HowardI don't own a pocket watch.
SheldonOh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.
RajSince you two are gonna be around for Valentine's, would you mind watching Cinnamon?
PennyYou have Valentine's plans? Which came out sounding way more surprised than I meant. Here, let me try that again. You have Valent- See? I can't do it.
RajI don't have plans which is why I booked time on the big telescope that night.
AmyWell, an evening looking at the stars, that's still kind of romantic.
RajExcept I'll be alone.
AmyI'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.
LeonardWe'd be happy to watch Cinnamon.
RajThank you. Oh, and I'd like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have sex, it's cool if she stays in the room.
Penny(To Bernadette and Howard) Hey, same goes for the two of you with Amy.
The Pullman dining car.
AmyWhat do you think, Sheldon?
SheldonIt's magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever.
AmyI'm so glad you like it.
SheldonI'm prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.
Leonard(On phone) Okay. Raj, I got it. Bye. (To Cinnamon) That was your daddy. He wanted me to say that he misses- Why am I doing this?
PennyHappy Valentine's Day.
LeonardOoh, flowers and chocolates? Somebody's trying to get me out of my panties.
PennyDon't be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. It came that way when I bought it.
LeonardGot you a little something, too.
PennyAw, jewellery. Oh, my God, Lakers tickets?
LeonardIt gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.
PennyAw. You are the best boyfriend ever.
LeonardThank you. Seriously, please don't make me go.
PennyShould we take this little party to the bedroom?
LeonardMm, don't have to, we have the whole place to ourselves.
PennyOh, that's true.
LeonardIn fact, if you want, we can do it right here on Sheldon's spot.
PennyThat is the least sexy thing anyone's ever said to me.
LeonardTo the bedroom.
The dining car.
WaiterAnd for the entrée, tonight's special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?
SheldonUh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?
WaiterI'm sorry, I meant questions about the food.
SheldonOh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?
AmyUh, I think we're gonna need a minute.
Man in seat behindFun fact, it's neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you'll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.
SheldonGet out of town.
HowardFun fact, I'm gonna jump off this train.
LeonardHey, Cinnamon, guess who just did it human style.
PennyOh, my God.
LeonardIt's a little late, but I'll take it.
PennyNo, Cinnamon ate the chocolates. That's really bad for dogs.
LeonardOh, crap. What are we gonna do?
PennyWe gotta get her to a vet right now.
LeonardI don't have a vet. I have a podiatrist, an optometrist, an allergist, a dermatologist, a urologist. You'd think I'd have a vet.
PennyOkay. There's one not far from here. Come on. Let's go.
LeonardOkay. Koothrappali was right. We should've let her watch.
The dining car. Sheldon is sitting with the man instead of Amy.
SheldonDo another one, do another one.
ManOkay. Here's my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh.
SheldonIt's like there's a train in your mouth. Oh, yeah. I've got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.
ManI've been on that train. And I just was again.
AmySee if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Bom.
SheldonHow many trains have you been on?
ManTons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
SheldonWow. Your life's amazing.
ManNot always. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
AmyWhy do I even try?
BernadetteI'm gonna fix this right now.
HowardOkay. Just make it look like an accident.
BernadetteExcuse me. You are at Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
SheldonYou're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.
BernadetteGreat. Now there's two of 'em.
A vet's surgery.
Lady VetHow much chocolate did she eat?
PennyA whole box.
LeonardWell, to be fair, you ate a lot of it before you gave it to me.
PennySo the point is I may have saved her life.
VetI'm sorry, is this a joke to you?
LeonardNo. Maybe to her.
VetHow big a box of chocolate was it?
PennyUh, something like this. I don't know. It came free with a full tank of gas.
LeonardReally? Do you know how much those Lakers tickets were?
PennyDo you know how much gas is?
Penny & LeonardSorry.
Raj(Comes in) Oh, my God, Cinnamon, are you okay? I can't believe you two. You do whatever it takes to save her life. If she needs new organs, I'll buy any dog necessary and scrap them for parts.
VetYou're the owner?
RajOwner, father, soul mate, (To Penny and Leonard) and if anything happens to her, your worst nightmare.
VetWell, she's not throwing up, which is a good sign. So, I'm gonna take her in back, put her on fluids and give her something to absorb the toxins.
RajOkay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she's scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don't do Firework, that gets her all riled up.
VetGot it. (Leaves and to herself) Should have been a dentist.
The dining car.
ManOkay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?
SheldonTrick question. There never was one.
ManOr was there?
ManIn 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.
SheldonIn what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?
HowardA world I don't wanna live in. Seriously, I no longer wanna live in this world.
ManHold on to your conductor's hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.
SheldonI may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?
WaiterBetter than you think.
ManYou know, if you ask nicely, they'll let you visit the engine room.
SheldonI never want this day to end.
AmyIt's feeling like it never will.
ManHey, did I tell you what happened to me at UPS?
The vets surgery.
RajAs if Valentine's Day wasn't bad enough, you try to kill my dog? And with cheap chocolate, no less?
PennyIt wasn't cheap. It was free.
LeonardWe're really sorry. It was an accident.
PennyYeah, we weren't even out of the room that long.
LeonardOh, no, come on. It was a while. It was a while.
RajOh, is Cinnamon gonna be okay?
VetShe's responding well. We just wanna keep her a little longer for observation.
RajAll right. Uh, would, would it be okay for me to see her? We're usually in bed by now, and I want her to know that I'm here. Yes, we sleep together, and sometimes we spoon.
VetIt's okay. I sleep with my dog, too. We're not supposed to let people in back, but I think I can make an exception.
VetCome on. By the way, I sang her Katy Perry.
VetAnd I don't care what that obnoxious parrot back there says. I crushed it.
PennyThere's something going on between the two of them.
LeonardMaybe, but you also think nine minutes isn't a while, so what do you know?
The dining car.
AmyWhy? Because my boyfriend's off playing choo-choo with some weirdo?
HowardWell, to be fair, they're both weirdos.
AmyI don't know what made me think tonight would be any different.
BernadetteWell, just the fact that you got him up here still says a lot. To be honest, I bet Howie 200 bucks it wasn't gonna happen.
HowardI'm going to the Lego store to get a big-ass R2-D2.
BernadetteSee? It's not just Sheldon. They're all idiots.
BernadetteSo, your boyfriend's a fixer-upper. Most of them are. I mean, look at this guy. You think he came like this? When I met him, he was a hot, goofy mess. Now, he's been to space. That's all me.
HowardI had a little to do with it.
BernadetteOh, sure you did. Who's Mama's big space man?
The vets surgery.
LeonardThey've been in there, like, half an hour.
PennyYeah, for future reference, that's a while.
LeonardHow long should we stay?
PennyI don't know. I'm kind of hungry.
LeonardI saw a Thai place next door.
PennyOh. Okay. Oh. Oh. Hey.
LeonardHow's she doing?
PennyHow is everything?
RajShe's gonna be okay; they're gonna let me take her home.
VetSo I want you to keep a close eye on her for the next 24 hours. Here are a few warning signs to look out for, and if you see any of them, don't hesitate to call.
RajOh. Thank you for taking such good care of my little girl.
VetMy pleasure. Have a nice night.
LeonardYes, thank you for all your help.
PennyYeah. I'm sorry if you didn't think we were taking it seriously. We love animals.
VetOh, do you guys own any pets?
The dining car.
HowardI love you so much.
BernadetteI love you, too.
Howard & Bernadette(To Amy) Sorry.
ManYou guys missed a pretty great time.
SheldonThe conductor and I have the same pocket watch.
ManIt was crazy.
SheldonDare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.
AmyOkay. I-I need to speak to my boyfriend in private, like, right now.
HowardThere's a car with a glass roof. Wanna go look at the stars?
BernadetteOh, that sounds so romantic.
AmyOh, give it a rest.
Amy(To the man) Why are you still here?
SheldonExcuse me. I think you're being a little rude.
AmyI'm being rude? You've been rude to me this entire evening.
SheldonHow is that possible? I've hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.
ManI'm detecting a little friction between you two, and I don't wanna be a third rail. Get it?
SheldonI get it.
SheldonWhat is your problem?
AmyIt's Valentine's Day. We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.
SheldonOh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?
AmyFine, it's true. I deserve romance, and I didn't know how else to make it happen.
SheldonWell, if you want romance, then let's have romance. Oh, look, there's wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let's gaze into each other's eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.
SheldonLet's see. What's next? Oh, kissing's romantic. (Kisses her)
AmyThat was nice.
SheldonGood. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he'd show me how to bring the train through a crossing.
AmyOkay, have fun.
SheldonDo you wanna come with me?
AmyReally? I do.
ManHey, guys, wait up.
RajThere you go. All cozy wozy. Here, let's see what the doctor says to keep an eye out for. Hmm. Rajesh, I was dreading Valentine's Day. Thank you for spending it with me. Yvette. Cinnamon, she-she gave me her phone number. If I'd known it was that easy, I would have considered poisoning you months ago. Oh, what should I say? Oh, I know. I'll point out her name's Yvette, and that she's a vet. That's hysterical. She'll love it.
LeonardOh, hey. You're back. How was your trip?
SheldonIt was wonderful.
LeonardGreat. What did you do?
SheldonI made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.
LeonardWait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna need more details.
SheldonOh, well, my new friend's name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.
LeonardNo, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you?
SheldonHmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favorite.
LeonardWell, give it a go.
SheldonI can't answer that without collecting additional data.
LeonardAdditional data. You dog.
SheldonI'm not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.